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Category: Stupid Criminals Page 1 of 5

Canadian Mint Employee Steals 22 Hunks Of Gold By Hiding Them In His Butt

Canadian Mint Employee Steals 22 Hunks Of Gold By Hiding Them In His Butt!

This is certainly not an original crime by any means. Stupid criminals have been hiding stolen loot in their butts since the beginning of time. Butt, this guy takes the cake for the sheer audacity he exhibited for his ass crime.

Let me introduce our ass clenching butt bandit, Mr. Leston Lawrence;

Leston Lawrence

Leston Lawrence worked for the Canadian mint in the refinery section for 7 years before being fired for his ass crimes in 2015.

The butt bandit set off a metal detector inside the fortress-like high-security Canadian Mint building 28 times in a span of 41 days, although gold was never found on his person. Now, you would think that Canadian Mint security employees would become suspicious of a person setting off metal detectors 28 times in a little over a month, but evidently not.

Not that I blame the Canadian Mint security team,  After all, who wants to intimately examine someone’s butt to find evidence of a potential crappy crime. not to mention the fact that each gold puck used at the Canadian Mint is approximately the size of a golf ball, (The standard sized golf ball is specified to be 1.68″ in diameter). Let that thought sink in for a moment. Canadian Mint security must have thought the exact same thing.

Believe it or not, it was not the intrepid security team at the Canadian Mint who ultimately busted the rectum ranger. Nope, it was an alert bank employee at a Royal Canadian Bank that ultimately sniffed out the butt bandit’s aspirations to become the asshole that got away with his rectum rampage.

The alert bank employee noticed that Mr. Lawrence was cashing a lot of checks from The Ottawa Gold Buyers in the Westgate Shopping Centre, for about $8,000 each. He would then deposit the cheques at the Royal Bank in the same mall.

This stupid ass didn’t even bother to even go to different branches of the bank to try to hide his ass crimes.

Let’s recap our story so far:

  •  Steals a several chunks of gold approximately 1.68″ in diameter, by sticking it up his ass. Check!
  • Pass through metal detectors while keeping sphincter tightly clenched. Check!
  • Remove said golf ball sized piece of gold from his ass. (I assume he washed it off at this point) Check!
  • Sell gold to Ottawa Gold buyers for $8,000.00, get paid by check.  Check!
  • Walk around the corner to his local bank branch, that was conveniently located in the same shopping center, and deposit checks from the Ottawa gold buyers. Check!
  • Repeat 20+ times.

The hyper-vigilant bank teller remembered making an especially large deposit for Mr. Lawrence in February 2015.  noticed on his account information was a Canadian Mint employee. and because he was essentially a blue-collar worker decided to alert bank security who smelled foul play, relayed their suspicions to  the Royal Canadian Mounted Police (RCMP).

An investigation was opened and the butt bandit was put under surveillance and four stolen pucks were eventually recovered in his safety deposit box.

The investigation also lead to the discovery of Vaseline and latex gloves being found in Mr. Lawrance’s locker at the Canadian Mint.

As with things always do with stupid criminals, the butt bandit’s smelly crime spree came to an end.

Lesten Lawrence, also known as “Goldsphincter” by the media, the butt bandit or the rectum tanger, eventually went to trial and even more facts were uncovered. The Judge overseeing the trial, The Honorable Peter Doody (Yes, that was the Judge’s actual name) determined that a 30-month prison sentence term was appropriate to deter others from attempting similar crimes.

It was revealed in court that the butt bandit was arranging to have a home built in Jamaica and had sent about $33,000 to a contractor in the Caribbean. He had also invested about $34,000 in a commercial fishing boat in Florida. Another $9,500 was wired out of the country to himself and a Marvin Lawrence, while $42,000 was withdrawn as cash.

The funny things is it was revealed that The Mint, in fact, never knew the gold was missing, and its internal security system was called “appalling” in open court.

The Judge, Peter Doody also ordered the rectum ranger to repay $190,000.00 in restitution or face additional jail time.

It is unclear how the but bandit will be able to pay $190,000.00 in restitution while behind bars.

 

Al Always,

I Am…

Tom Dye, The Safety Guy

 

This article is satire and a news commentary based on actual events by Tom Dye, The Safety Guy. 

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Naked Burglar Arrested in Florida Looking For Sesame Seeds!

Naked Burglar Arrested in Florida Looking For Sesame Seeds!

This story really resonates with me. Not just because I live in Florida, Normally that would be more than enough. As an extra bonus, this guy was also arrested in the same city where I work.

Considering that Largo, Florida where this sad story occurred is 65 miles from the city where I live, by my rough calculations, this is a cool 100 extra bonus points. Believe me, I keep track of this sort of thing.

Of course, this incident happened in a trailer park, which is exactly what you would expect from trailer park trash. It all started with one Martin Henderson, 48, of Largo, Florida.

Martin Henderson

As you can tell by the photo above, our anti-hero, and trailer trash burglar, is a fine upstanding human being. Personally, I think he looks a lot like Howard Stern, no offense to Mr. Stern. I was just making an observation. Please don’t sue me.

Mr. Henderson was Sitting around all day long in the ol’ trailer smoking synthetic marijuana. Evidently, this behavior starts to take its toll.  I mean seriously, what could possibly go wrong?

Evidently, and this is pure speculation on my part. Sitting around the ol’ trailer park smoking synthetic marijuana all day makes you very hungry. Mr. Martin Henderson decides that a delicious hamburger would be just the thing.

A delicious hamburger would be on the top of my list of food to satisfy my cravings for a delicious dinner. I mean unless you are a vegan, this would be on the top of everyone’s list right? Sorry, My vegan friends, personally tofu just doesn’t cut it for me.

Anyway, our anti-hero, Mr. Martin Henderson makes his delicious hamburger and suddenly discovers that he doesn’t have any sesame seeds for his hamburger bun. This seems a little strange because I usually buy my hamburger buns with the sesame seeds included. I never even considered that I could add sesame seeds, after the fact. Who knew?

So, our anti-hero, Martin Henderson upon discovering that he was missing a key ingredient of his delicious hamburger, sesame seeds; decided upon a mission to rectify this major culinary oversight.

Mr. Henderson somehow became convinced that his neighbors in the trailer behind him were hoarding his coveted sesame seeds. So he hatched his plan to acquire what he so desired. It was actually much more than that, he absolutely had to have them. By now, he was obsessed.

Mr. Henderson’s plan was simple, and genius in its sheer simplicity. Nothing could possibly go wrong. The sesame seeds were as good as his.

Our anti-hero, striped off all of his clothes, which is a requirement for a successful sesame seed caper, grabbed a butter knife and was out the door. It took only a couple of minutes to jimmy the neighbor’s front door on their trailer, and he was finally inside looking for his coveted sesame seeds for his hamburger that was patiently waiting for the final delicious ingredient.

Mr. Henderson proceeded to rifle the kitchen looking for his coveted sesame seeds. Our sesame seed burglar looked everywhere, he was absolutely certain that they were in there somewhere.  He looked high and he looked low. He looked in every cabinet and nook and cranny until…… he opened the very last cupboard.

There on the second shelf near the back was a golden glow, as our sesame seed burglar pulled out items from the front, flour, sugar, brown sugar, and more. The glow became brighter and brighter until it was so bright it was almost blinding, it was like looking directly into the face of God. Hallelujah! Our sesame seed burglar slowly reached for his elusive prize. When….

William Loland, the owner of the trailer in question, and rightful owner of said sesame seeds was previously sound asleep with his girlfriend until being rudely awakened by all the commotion in his kitchen and decided to get up and investigate.

Per Mr. Loland’s testimony to the Police, he was awakened by a commotion in his kitchen. Mr, Loland being a cautious man, crept from his bedroom and peered into the kitchen. The only light was from a night-light in the kitchen, and of course, the golden blinding light emanating from one of his kitchen cabinets.

According to Mr. Loland, and this is a direct quote, “I thought it was a woman because he had long hair, and he was all nude. I thought it was a woman because he had a pot belly,”

WTF! Mr. Loland thought that this was a woman in his kitchen because he was naked, had long hair and had a pot belly? Evidently, our hapless sesame seed burglar also has a penis so small that he is easily mistaken for a woman even while naked. By Mr. Loland’s standards, the sesame seed burglar’s long hair and his pot belly, was definitely a tell-tale sign that he was in fact, a woman.

It would seem to me that the sesame seed burglar has a lot more problems than just needing his coveted sesame seeds for his hamburger.

Mr. Loland further stated, “I grabbed him by his neck, and I escorted him towards the door,” Loland said. “He was still naked. I said, ‘You’re lucky I don’t knock you out.’ He said, ‘I don’t think you can.’ So that’s when I hit him. That’s when I hit him twice.”

911 was called, and our micro penis, pot-bellied, sesame seed burglar, was arrested soon thereafter.

And that’s how we do things here in Florida.

 

As Always,

I Am…..

Tom Dye, The Safety Guy

 

This article is a news commentary and is a work of original satire by Tom Dye, The Safety Guy.

 

The Great Anti-Trump Peanut Butter Smear Campaign

The Great Anti-Trump Peanut Butter Smear Campaign

This is awesome. Finally, an absurd story that I can really sink my teeth into. You seriously can’t make this stuff up. I read all about it on The Huffington Post.

This is the story of, 32-year-old, Chelsea Ferguson. Chelsea is from Amherst Junction, Wisconsin.

My first thought was that this woman had to be from Florida. After all, most of these type stories almost always originate from Florida. However, there was no mention that she might have been a transplant from Florida. Personally, I believe that she probably was. Here is her booking photo.

Here is her booking photo.

chelsea

Anyway, Chelsea Ferguson decided that she had finally had enough of the 2016 Presidential election cycle, and especially Donald Trump supporters.

So far, she sounds just like all of us. Seriously, isn’t everyone tired of this election? I mean I can seriously relate to her being sick and tired of Donald Trump supporters as well. I for one can’t wait for these next two weeks to be over with, so we can all just get back to our lives.

Where Chelsea Ferguson differs from the rest of us she stopped imagining what could be done about all those annoying Donald Trump supporters, she decided to take direct action. Chelsea Ferguson did something about it. This is her story.

Chelsea Ferguson, in an apparent alcohol, and Peanut Butter, fueled rage finally snapped. You see people had been terrorizing her because she is a Hillary Clinton supporter, and these tormenters were ALL Donald Trump supporters.

So what is a Hillary Clinton supporter to do? Chelsea had a plan. Not only did she have a plan, she carried it out.

Unfortunately, Chelsea Ferguson’s plan had a serious flaw. She mistook the “Tomorrow River Conservation Club” to mean the “Tomorrow River Conservative Club”.

This is an honest mistake, right? I mean the words are identical except for the very last three letters. Anybody could make this mistake, especially if you were high on a deadly combination of alcohol and peanut butter.

Who know’s maybe the Tomorrow River Conservation Club is actually a front for Conservative’s who love Donald Trump. This definitely needs further investigation to be sure.

Finally, at her breaking point, and desperate to take action, Chelsea burst into the Tomorrow River Conservation Club meeting, armed only with a Family sized jar of; “Low Sodium, All Natural, Creamy Jiff Peanut Butter”  This is the weapon that Chelsea Ferguson so bravely wielded;

This is photo of the type of horrifying weapon that Chelsea Ferguson so bravely wielded.

jiff-peanut-butter

This would be considered a weapon of mass destruction if this was a meeting of people who all had peanut allergies. But, for the rest of us not so much. Chelsea Ferguson stormed into the meeting and yelled how much she hated Donald Trump, armed only with her family sized jar of Low Sodium, All Natural, Creamy Jiff Peanut Butter. This takes guts friends!

She was asked by the group to leave, and surprisingly, she just turned around and left the building. Little did the members of the Tomorrow River Conservation Club know, this was all part of Chelsea Ferguson’s plan and the real terror was about to begin……..

You see, Allegedly, Chelsea calmly walked out of the building where the; Tomorrow River Conservation Club’s meeting was being held. She slowly unscrewed the lid off her Family sized jar of; “Low Sodium, All Natural, Creamy Jiff Peanut Butter” and proceeded to methodically smear peanut butter on all of the 30 cars parked in the parking lot.

This was Chelsea Ferguson’s moment. This was her great anti-Trump peanut butter smear campaign, and it was coming together right now.

Chelsea Ferguson’s organic peanut butter attack was almost complete when several minutes later, members of the Tomorrow River Conservation Club began to wonder just what Chelsea had in mind when she burst into their meeting brandishing only her family sized jar of Low Sodium, All Natural, Creamy Jiff Peanut Butter.

One has to wonder why it took the members of the Tomorrow River Conservation Club “several minutes” to figure out that something might be amiss here.

The members of the Tomorrow River Conservation Club ran out into the parking lot only to discover that it was too late. Chelsea’s plan had already been carried out, and there was nothing they could do to stop it.

Chelsea Ferguson as caught red handed smearing her anti-Trump peanut butter on one of the last of the member’s cars. He yelled at her to stop!

Once again, Chelsea complied and calmly walked into a nearby apartment and calmly shut the door behind her. But the story did not end there my friends, no, not at all. The Sheriff’s Department was called.

Sheriff’s Deputies were dispatched to the peanut butter terrorist’s apartment. At first, an unidentified man answered the door and denied that Chelsea Ferguson had not left the apartment all evening.

Eventually, Chelsea Ferguson answered the door reeking of alcohol and peanut butter. According to Sheriff’s Deputies stated that Chelsea was licking her fingers while talking to them. Of course, Chelsea Ferguson denied ever leaving the apartment all evening.

Eventually, the truth came out after she was identified by a member of   conservation club, as the person that was in fact, wielding the Family sized jar of; “Low Sodium, All Natural, Creamy Jiff Peanut Butter”.

The jig was up, The reign of terror was finally over. Chelsea Ferguson confessed to being the mastermind behind the great anti-Trump peanut butter smear campaign.

Officers said Chelsea broke down and  became very emotional as she described how much she hated Donald Trump and absolutely loves Hillary Clinton.

She went on to explain why she decided to use peanut butter as a weapon. “Peanut butter is better than fire-bombing,”  She went on to explain how  Trump wants to fire-bomb everybody in other countries.

I really have to say that I agree with Chelsea Ferguson on this point,  Peanut Butter is better than fire bombing. That is unless you have a peanut allergy then it may actually be a toss-up.

She went on to express how she was so very sorry, and that she was “just fed up with the entire election.”

Chelsea Ferguson was arrested, and the Family sized jar of; “Low Sodium, All Natural, Creamy Jiff Peanut Butter” was confiscated as evidence. The Deputies also photographed the cars across the street that allegedly had peanut butter smeared on them.

It was reported that many of the car’s owners had already left, or they had already cleaned off the peanut butter. Obviously, this destroyed the only evidence that could have been used against Chelsea Ferguson. What?  Was this intentional? Did Chelsea Ferguson have sympathizers on the inside?

As you can tell by the facts I have laid out before you there are several unanswered questions which were not addressed. Let’s take a look at some of the most obvious ones:

  1. Was the fact that Chelsea Ferguson decided to use a Family sized jar of; “Low Sodium, All Natural, Creamy Jiff Peanut Butter” Vs. a store or generic brand of peanut butter, some sort of statement on corporate greed or malfeasance?
  2. Did Chelsea Ferguson purposely decide use “All Natural, ‘ Low Sodium” peanut butter an attempt to limit or minimize the damage that might be done to the cars paint job?
  3. Is the fact that she used “creamy” Vs. “chunky” peanut butter a conscious attempt not to do any damage to the cars that she smeared it on? After all “Chunky” peanut butter would certainly scratch a car or truck’s paint job due to the fact that peanut chunks are sharp and abrasive?
  4. Is the fact that Chelsea Ferguson was alleged to be intoxicated on a dangerous combination of alcohol and peanut butter a legitimate legal defense such as temporary insanity?
  5. Was the fact that that several of  the cars were either cleaned up or the owners had left prior to the Sheriff Deputies arriving evidence of some sort of cover-up? Were there other un-named, co-conspirators?

These are the serious questions that absolutely have to be answered, as well as proven in court, beyond any reasonable doubt, in order to give this courageous woman a fair trial.

Let’s not forget the fact that the United States Constitution guarantees a trial by a “jury of her peers”.

Good luck, finding a group of her peers that had also used a family sized jar of “Low Sodium, All Natural, Creamy Jiff Peanut Butter” as  a weapon in the commission of a crime.

I would be interested in hearing your thoughts. Leave a comment and let me know what you think.

If your interested, You can read the original story here –> The Peanut Butter Caper .

As Always,

I Am,

Tom Dye, The Safety Guy

 

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