Tales oF the Absurd, Original Satire, Politics & News Commentary

Month: October 2016 (Page 1 of 3)

Florida Man Spends 10 Hours In Jail After Donut Glaze Mistaken For Meth!

Florida Man Spends 10 Hours In Jail After Donut Glaze Mistaken For Meth!

I never liked glazed donut sugar bombs, and this just reinforces my belief that I have been right all along. Eating Krispy Kreme glazed donuts can land you in jail.

A Orlando Florida man was pulled over by Orlando Police Officer Cpl. Shelby Riggs-Hopkin for a minor traffic infraction. The driver, 64-year-old, Daniel Rushing certainly didn’t think his life would be turned upside down just a few minutes later.

How could Daniel Rushing have possibly known that a simple traffic stop would somehow turn his life into a nightmare, similar to an episode of  The Twilight Zone?

Officer Riggs-Hopkin eagle eyes spotted four, yes, four, tiny flakes of glaze on the floor of Mr. Rushing’s vehicle and immediately jumped to the conclusion that this was some sort of illegal substance. Really???

According to Officer Riggs-Hopkin, “I recognized through my eleven years of training and experience as a law enforcement officer the substance to be some sort of narcotic,” Officer Riggs-Hopkin and the un-named Officer debated if this was actually crack cocaine before settling on the fact that it must certainly be crystal meth.

This entire unfortunate affair started when Officer Riggs-Hopkin and another un-named officer were watching a local 7-11 in Orlando due to alleged drug dealing.

The 7-11 also just happens to sell Krispy Creme donuts as well.

You see, Daniel Rushing treats himself to a couple of Krispy Creme glazed donuts every other Wednesday, he used to eat them in his car.

Let’s just look at the facts. Crack Cocaine, Crystal Meth, and Crispy Creme Donut glaze look nothing alike. Here’s some photos, so you can see for yourself:

Crack Cocaine

Crack Cocaine

Crystal Meth

Crystal Meth

Krispy Kreme Glazed Donut

Krispy Kreme Glazed Donut

Evidently, Officer Riggs-Hopkin’s eleven years of experience could not have prepared her for the challenge of determining the difference between Crystal Meth and Krispy Kreme donut glaze.

Daniel Rushing kept proclaiming his innocence and repeatedly stated that the substance found in his vehicle was actually Krispy Kreme donut glaze. The Officers weren’t buying his excuse or innocence.

But it didn’t stop there. OH NO! Officer Riggs-hopkin decided to confirm her off-base suspicion by using employing a standard roadside drug test using a kit manufactured by the company Safariland.  showed, not once, but twice, that the  sample contained methamphetamine.

This brings up an entirely whole new line of questions.  Either Krispy Kreme is using Crystal Meth-Amphetamine as a secret ingredient in their glazed donuts? or the company Safariland’s field drug testing kits are seriously flawed.

Either way, Daniel Rushing was immediately arrested, handcuffed and taken to county jail where he was also strip searched. Mr. Rushing spent 10 hours in jail before he was released on $2,500.00 bond.

It was not until several weeks later that the Florida Department of Law Enforcement (FDLE) State crime lab, confirmed that the substance was in fact not any sort of illegal substance and the case against Daniel Rushing was dropped.

Mr. Rushing is suing the Orlando Police Department and the maker of the field drug test, Safariland, for $15,000.00 for the ten hours he had to spend in jail for doing nothing more than eating Krispy Kreme glazed donuts in his car.

I believe that there should be an investigation into Krispy Kreme glazed donuts.

Let’s look at the facts. An innocent man was arrested for nothing more than having Krispy Kreme glazed donut flakes on the floor of his car. A trained law Enforcement Officer and a field test for illegal substances produced positive indications for crystal methamphetamine, not once, but twice.

Every time a new Krispy Kreme donut franchise opens there are stupidly long lines that go all the way down the block just to get in. I mean seriously, have you ever had a Krispy Kreme donut? There is nothing particularly special about them. I have had better donuts from my local Publix Supermarket.

There is another more sinister option that we are forced to consider. This could be a conspiracy of gigantic proportions, happening right before our very eyes.

We have to consider the fact that Krispy Kreme may be using a secret illegal ingredient in their glazed donuts have something to do with their wildly successful sales?

Until, we can figure this out, I strongly recommend that everyone refrain from eating Krispy Kreme donuts, or at the very least eat them only in the privacy of your own home.

It may also be prudent to avoid driving or operating heavy machinery for, six to eight hours after ingesting Krispy Kreme glazed donuts, just to err on the side of safety.

Don’t let what happened to Daniel Rushing, happen to you.


As Always,

I Am,

Tom Dye, The Safety Guy

Note: This article is satire based on actual events. The source material can be found here -> Huffington Post and here -> The Orlando Sentinal

The Great Anti-Trump Peanut Butter Smear Campaign

The Great Anti-Trump Peanut Butter Smear Campaign

This is awesome. Finally, an absurd story that I can really sink my teeth into. You seriously can’t make this stuff up. I read all about it on The Huffington Post.

This is the story of, 32-year-old, Chelsea Ferguson. Chelsea is from Amherst Junction, Wisconsin.

My first thought was that this woman had to be from Florida. After all, most of these type stories almost always originate from Florida. However, there was no mention that she might have been a transplant from Florida. Personally, I believe that she probably was. Here is her booking photo.

Here is her booking photo.


Anyway, Chelsea Ferguson decided that she had finally had enough of the 2016 Presidential election cycle, and especially Donald Trump supporters.

So far, she sounds just like all of us. Seriously, isn’t everyone tired of this election? I mean I can seriously relate to her being sick and tired of Donald Trump supporters as well. I for one can’t wait for these next two weeks to be over with, so we can all just get back to our lives.

Where Chelsea Ferguson differs from the rest of us she stopped imagining what could be done about all those annoying Donald Trump supporters, she decided to take direct action. Chelsea Ferguson did something about it. This is her story.

Chelsea Ferguson, in an apparent alcohol, and Peanut Butter, fueled rage finally snapped. You see people had been terrorizing her because she is a Hillary Clinton supporter, and these tormenters were ALL Donald Trump supporters.

So what is a Hillary Clinton supporter to do? Chelsea had a plan. Not only did she have a plan, she carried it out.

Unfortunately, Chelsea Ferguson’s plan had a serious flaw. She mistook the “Tomorrow River Conservation Club” to mean the “Tomorrow River Conservative Club”.

This is an honest mistake, right? I mean the words are identical except for the very last three letters. Anybody could make this mistake, especially if you were high on a deadly combination of alcohol and peanut butter.

Who know’s maybe the Tomorrow River Conservation Club is actually a front for Conservative’s who love Donald Trump. This definitely needs further investigation to be sure.

Finally, at her breaking point, and desperate to take action, Chelsea burst into the Tomorrow River Conservation Club meeting, armed only with a Family sized jar of; “Low Sodium, All Natural, Creamy Jiff Peanut Butter”  This is the weapon that Chelsea Ferguson so bravely wielded;

This is photo of the type of horrifying weapon that Chelsea Ferguson so bravely wielded.


This would be considered a weapon of mass destruction if this was a meeting of people who all had peanut allergies. But, for the rest of us not so much. Chelsea Ferguson stormed into the meeting and yelled how much she hated Donald Trump, armed only with her family sized jar of Low Sodium, All Natural, Creamy Jiff Peanut Butter. This takes guts friends!

She was asked by the group to leave, and surprisingly, she just turned around and left the building. Little did the members of the Tomorrow River Conservation Club know, this was all part of Chelsea Ferguson’s plan and the real terror was about to begin……..

You see, Allegedly, Chelsea calmly walked out of the building where the; Tomorrow River Conservation Club’s meeting was being held. She slowly unscrewed the lid off her Family sized jar of; “Low Sodium, All Natural, Creamy Jiff Peanut Butter” and proceeded to methodically smear peanut butter on all of the 30 cars parked in the parking lot.

This was Chelsea Ferguson’s moment. This was her great anti-Trump peanut butter smear campaign, and it was coming together right now.

Chelsea Ferguson’s organic peanut butter attack was almost complete when several minutes later, members of the Tomorrow River Conservation Club began to wonder just what Chelsea had in mind when she burst into their meeting brandishing only her family sized jar of Low Sodium, All Natural, Creamy Jiff Peanut Butter.

One has to wonder why it took the members of the Tomorrow River Conservation Club “several minutes” to figure out that something might be amiss here.

The members of the Tomorrow River Conservation Club ran out into the parking lot only to discover that it was too late. Chelsea’s plan had already been carried out, and there was nothing they could do to stop it.

Chelsea Ferguson as caught red handed smearing her anti-Trump peanut butter on one of the last of the member’s cars. He yelled at her to stop!

Once again, Chelsea complied and calmly walked into a nearby apartment and calmly shut the door behind her. But the story did not end there my friends, no, not at all. The Sheriff’s Department was called.

Sheriff’s Deputies were dispatched to the peanut butter terrorist’s apartment. At first, an unidentified man answered the door and denied that Chelsea Ferguson had not left the apartment all evening.

Eventually, Chelsea Ferguson answered the door reeking of alcohol and peanut butter. According to Sheriff’s Deputies stated that Chelsea was licking her fingers while talking to them. Of course, Chelsea Ferguson denied ever leaving the apartment all evening.

Eventually, the truth came out after she was identified by a member of   conservation club, as the person that was in fact, wielding the Family sized jar of; “Low Sodium, All Natural, Creamy Jiff Peanut Butter”.

The jig was up, The reign of terror was finally over. Chelsea Ferguson confessed to being the mastermind behind the great anti-Trump peanut butter smear campaign.

Officers said Chelsea broke down and  became very emotional as she described how much she hated Donald Trump and absolutely loves Hillary Clinton.

She went on to explain why she decided to use peanut butter as a weapon. “Peanut butter is better than fire-bombing,”  She went on to explain how  Trump wants to fire-bomb everybody in other countries.

I really have to say that I agree with Chelsea Ferguson on this point,  Peanut Butter is better than fire bombing. That is unless you have a peanut allergy then it may actually be a toss-up.

She went on to express how she was so very sorry, and that she was “just fed up with the entire election.”

Chelsea Ferguson was arrested, and the Family sized jar of; “Low Sodium, All Natural, Creamy Jiff Peanut Butter” was confiscated as evidence. The Deputies also photographed the cars across the street that allegedly had peanut butter smeared on them.

It was reported that many of the car’s owners had already left, or they had already cleaned off the peanut butter. Obviously, this destroyed the only evidence that could have been used against Chelsea Ferguson. What?  Was this intentional? Did Chelsea Ferguson have sympathizers on the inside?

As you can tell by the facts I have laid out before you there are several unanswered questions which were not addressed. Let’s take a look at some of the most obvious ones:

  1. Was the fact that Chelsea Ferguson decided to use a Family sized jar of; “Low Sodium, All Natural, Creamy Jiff Peanut Butter” Vs. a store or generic brand of peanut butter, some sort of statement on corporate greed or malfeasance?
  2. Did Chelsea Ferguson purposely decide use “All Natural, ‘ Low Sodium” peanut butter an attempt to limit or minimize the damage that might be done to the cars paint job?
  3. Is the fact that she used “creamy” Vs. “chunky” peanut butter a conscious attempt not to do any damage to the cars that she smeared it on? After all “Chunky” peanut butter would certainly scratch a car or truck’s paint job due to the fact that peanut chunks are sharp and abrasive?
  4. Is the fact that Chelsea Ferguson was alleged to be intoxicated on a dangerous combination of alcohol and peanut butter a legitimate legal defense such as temporary insanity?
  5. Was the fact that that several of  the cars were either cleaned up or the owners had left prior to the Sheriff Deputies arriving evidence of some sort of cover-up? Were there other un-named, co-conspirators?

These are the serious questions that absolutely have to be answered, as well as proven in court, beyond any reasonable doubt, in order to give this courageous woman a fair trial.

Let’s not forget the fact that the United States Constitution guarantees a trial by a “jury of her peers”.

Good luck, finding a group of her peers that had also used a family sized jar of “Low Sodium, All Natural, Creamy Jiff Peanut Butter” as  a weapon in the commission of a crime.

I would be interested in hearing your thoughts. Leave a comment and let me know what you think.

If your interested, You can read the original story here –> The Peanut Butter Caper .

As Always,

I Am,

Tom Dye, The Safety Guy


Brace For Impact!

Brace For Impact!

With just two weeks to go before the election, Donald Trump has only a 4.1% chance of winning the General Election for President of the Unite States. At this point in time, Donald Trump would have to win virtually every single one of the 16 battleground States to win enough electoral votes to win the election. The polls indicate that this is highly unlikely, if not impossible.

If Donald Trump were to somehow win the election, it would be the greatest polling error in the history of polling the elections.

By all indications, The Democrat, Hillary Clinton, will win the election by a comfortable margin, or even possibly by a landslide.

This article is not about the fact that Hillary Clinton may very well be the first woman President in history.

This article is about the percentage of Trump supporters who are in fact “deplorable”. These people are not going away just because Donald Trump lost the election.

You would be naive to assume that if Hillary Clinton wins these deplorable’s will just go away. Sure, maybe a small percentage will just shrug their shoulders and say Hillary won, so we will now just support the Clinton Presidency. Sadly, most will not.

Don’t get me wrong. Not all Trump supporters are deplorable. I personally know a few, and they are not deplorable. Misguided maybe, deplorable, no.

Donald Trump has awakened the dark side of America. He has said horrendous things about many groups of people, and the incidence of hate speech and crimes against Muslims, African Americans, Mexicans, Women, and Jewish people have risen dramatically since Trump entered his name into nomination as the Republican nominee for President.

Donald Trump has called our elections rigged, and that the media is biased against him. Our free and fair elections, and the peaceful transfer of power, as well as our freedom of the press, are the bedrock foundations of our American Democracy.

How could this happen?

It all started with Donald Trump’s main mantra that the country has become “Too politically correct”. This was a serious mistake. I have written about this previously. you can read about it by clicking This link,

Political correctness is the filter and the binding element that keeps the fringe elements of society in check. Without political correctness, the fringe elements have been unleashed and actually believe they have found a voice in Donald Trump.

Donald Trump has made; xenophobic, racist, bigoted, and misogynistic statements and his supporters go wild.  Donald Trump has incited political violence and even mocked a disabled reporter. He was even on tape advocating criminal sexual assault against women.

Donald Trump is also supported by; the Klu Klux Klan, Neo-Nazis, White Supremacists, and other, conspiracy theorists of all kinds, as well as the radical Alt-Right. These are all fringe elements of society and Donald Trump has done little or nothing to discourage their support.

Donald Trump’s own words have unbound these fringe elements from the political correctness that society has managed to mostly keep in check for the last couple of decades.

Even when Donald Trump, loses the election these fringe elements are not going away. We experienced a similar phenomenon in the late 1960’s and early 1970’s with the radical leftest groups. It took decades to but this genie back in the bottle.

Donald Trump’s greatest sin against America is that he has given a voice to those who should have been left voiceless. Donald Trump has encouraged those who would harm American society to stand proudly and spew their hate when in reality they should have been left in the shadows and been relegated to the dustbin of history.

No, these fringe groups will not be going away anytime soon, and it will take a very long time to undue the damage he has been already done.

We are in for a long stretch of rough times ahead, and we have only one person to blame, and that’s Donald Trump.  Trump has awakened the dark side of American society, and all we can do is, place our tray tables in their upright position, fasten our seatbelts and prepare for strong turbulence for the next several years. And if for some reason sanity doesn’t prevail, be prepared to……… Brace For Impact!

As Always,

I Am,

Tom Dye, The Safety Guy


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