PROFOUND REVELATIONS

Tales oF the Absurd, Original Satire, Politics & News Commentary

Month: February 2017

Florida Man Tells Police His Dog Shot His Girlfriend

Florida Man Tells Police His Dog Shot His Girlfriend

Note to my readers: I was having a bout of writer’s block for a few days when suddenly this headline popped up and snapped me right out of it. I’m back now!

The story you are about to read is true, the names have not been changed to protect the dumbasses involved, This is their story.

Jacksonville, Florida. – Police received a 911 call from 25-year-old, Brian Murphy around 11:05 p.m.  Murphy reported that his dog had just shot his girlfriend.

I am going to just let that sink in for just a moment. It’s O.K. I can wait. (I am going to imagine the theme music on the game show Jeopardy when the contestants are writing down their answers down during the final jeopardy round).

O.K. times up. At 11:05 P.M. Jacksonville, Police responded to a home where a shooting had just occurred. Brian Murphy answered the door and reported that his girlfriend, one Summer Miracle (Yes, that is her real name) had just been accidentally shot in the leg by their dog, Diesel while she was asleep in bed.

Seriously, so far, The Jacksonville Police are actually believing this story. Really, you can’t make this stuff up.

Let’s look at the fact’s as we know them so far, and then you can be the judge.

Upon arriving at the scene of the crime, Brian Murphy told the responding officers that he and his girlfriend, Summer Miracle, were sleeping, when Diesel, the dog woke him up wanting to go outside.

When Diesel and Murphy went back into the house, the dog led the way into the bedroom, he said, according to First Coast News and multiple other news sources.

Brian Murphy reported that he then saw a flash and heard a bang. He told police he thinks Diesel the dog,  jumped up on a nightstand, somehow, causing a gun on it to fire. The bullet from Murphy’s gun hit Summer Miracle in the leg. Murphy told police he covered Miracle’s wound with a towel before calling 911.

Seriously??? This is the only story he can come up with, a modified version of the tried and true, totally unbelievable, the dog ate my homework excuse?

Also, what dumbass keeps a loaded gun on the nightstand with the barrel facing towards them?

Let’s look at the facts as I see them, of course, since this is my story, these truths, are the only ones that count.

First of all, I have previously written about how various wild animals are beginning to turn on us, especially squirrels, crabs, etc. but not dogs. No, never man’s best friend, the faithful and beloved dog. Man’s best friend would have to have a really good reason to turn upon him or a loved one.

I have a dog, his name is Homer. He has never, ever, tried to kill me, not with a gun or any other type of weapon of mass destruction. Sure, he periodically gets mad at me and pees or craps in the house, he steals food, or shreds paper towels, to try and annoy me sure, but to actually try and kill me, I think not at least not yet.

So, here’s a 25-year-old guy who for whatever reason goe’s to bed stupidly early and suddenly gets woken up from a dead sleep, because his dog, Diesel needs to go outside.  This very fact alone should raise red flags.

Seriously, what 25-year-old guy goes to bed before 11:00 P.M. anyway. Hell, when I was 25, I specialised in 4-5 hours of sleep, per night, in between working full time, and partying late into the evenings. Not that I could do that now, Oh No!, but it was fun while it lasted.

So, Brian (and I will refer to him by his first name since he isn’t here to defend himself) wakes up because Diesel the dog want’s to go outside.  (Now, mind you by the photos I saw on-line, Diesel the dog >looks like a purebred Rottweiler which is a really large breed of dog).  

Brian get’s up out of bed and takes Diesel the dog outside, so Diesel can do his business. Upon completion of his dog duties, Diesel the dog comes ru back inside and “precedes” Brian into the bedroom.  According to Brian, he then saw a flash and heard a bang before he could even get to the bedroom himself.

According to Brian, he thinks that diesel the dog jumped onto the nightstand where his gun was sitting and accidently fired the gun, striking his girlfriend, Summer Miracle, in the right leg.

But was it an accident? could Diesel the dog have actually decided to commit premeditated murder?  Let’s explore that possibility.

Diesel the dog’s plan was brilliant in its sheer simplicity, Diesel the dog, woke up Brian on the false pretence that he needed to go outside to do what dogs do, then quickly do his business and rush back into the bedroom, jump up on the night table and fire the loaded handgun that Brian had so carelessly left there. The plan was perfect, except for the fact that Summer Miracle did not die, she was only wounded.So, evidently, Diesel the dog being unhappy that Summer Miracle was taking up the space that Diesel the dog felt was rightfully his, decided there was only one course of action.  Diesel determined that the only rational course of action was to kill Summer Miracle, so he could rightfully reclaim his rightful place on the bed. Sounds perfectly reasonable right?

This sounds like a perfectly logical line of reasoning right? Are you kidding me? I don’t fucking think so.

What are the chances that an 80-100 pound dog would contemplate premeditated murder and somehow manage to stick his over-sized paws into the trigger guard, aim the weapon, and fire the gun, in an attempt to kill Summer Miracle? Any statisticians out there help me out, will you? the odds have to be astronomical right? Or are they?

Summer Miracle, claims that she was sound asleep, and has now idea how she was shot. Besides, Diesel the dog has never, ever, exhibited any sort of homicidal tendencies prior to that fateful night.

So, the facts as we know them are, Brian left a loaded handgun on the night table barrel facing towards the bed…. Check!

Brian, a healthy 25-year-old male, and his girlfriend, Summer Miracle were both sound asleep some time considerably prior to 11:05 P.M. ….Check!

The news reports made no mention if the Police inquired if drugs or alcohol was consumed by either Brian, Summer, or Diesel, the dog prior to the shooting incident…Check!

So let’s recap the three possibilities presented to us for how this crime was committed.

  1. Brian feeling trapped in a bad relationship felt compelled to kill Summer Miracle. Brian got Diesel the dog out of the house to avoid any eyewitnesses, made his way back the bedroom in the dark and shot Summer in an attempt to make it look like Diesel the dog did it. The only reason Summer Miracle is alive today is either she moved in her sleep while Brian was letting Diesel the dog out, it was dark, and quite possibly Brian is a really piss poor shot. It could also be a combination of the above.
  2. The other possible scenario is that Diesel the dog is a killer and actually tried to murder Summer Miracle. After all, dogs are very smart and very sneaky. It’s possible that Diesel the dog was harbouring a deep-seated resentment of Summer Miracle because Summer had displaced Diesel’s usual spot on the bed. Diesel having been relegated to the cold hard floor at night hatched a plan to get rid of Summer Miracle once and for all. After having studied the gun and how to fire it, Diesel hatched his plan to pretend to have to go outside, race into the bedroom ahead of brian, shoot Summer Miracle. Obviously, everyone would think it was just a tragic accident and nobody would be the wiser. However, the plan failed.
  3. Or, Brians story that this was strictly a freak accident, and Diesel the dog did, in fact, jump up on the nightstand and accidently shoot Summer Miracle

All three scenarios are possible, so I leave it up to you to decide for yourselves.

If you wish to weigh in on any of the scenarios or propose your own

Let me know, and I will add it so we can all debate it together.

In the meantime, I would suggest that if you have a dog, you may want to keep all loaded firearms or other potential weapons locked up just in case. You can never be too safe.

As Always,

I Am…..

Tom Dye, The Safety Guy

This article is satire and news commentary loosely, O.K. very loosely based on actual events.

 

My Capture And Escape From A Trump Internment Camp

My Capture And Escape From A Trump Internment Camp

I had always laughed at the conspiracy theorists who during the Obama Administration used to claim that President Obama had set up secret internment camps all across the country to imprison those who would oppose his liberal agenda. On face value this claim is absurd. It wasn’t true then, but believe me, it’s true now.

They were actually right except for one important point!

You see, it actually wasn’t President Obama, the Democrats, or the Liberals who set up internment camps for dissenting Americans, these never existed except in the fertile imaginations of the fringe elements of society. But  President Trump and his Trumpian deplorable’s took this idea, acted upon it, and actually created these internment camps. I know this horrifying truth, first-hand, and this is my story.

I have always been a vocal opponent of Donald Trump for the last couple of years. I have posted a multitude of anti-Trump posts on my FaceBook page, Twitter, as well as my own website. I mean, seriously I know a racist, bigoted, xenophobic, misogynistic, authoritarian half-wit when I see one. I never thought anything about it, even after he somehow became President. After all, I have first amendment rights just like everyone else, Right? Evidently, it’s not really true anymore now that Trump is President.

My ordeal started not long ago, on a warm Wednesday afternoon. It was 5:37 PM when I had just arrived home from work. (I know this because I was listening to NPR and they had just said the time) I backed my car into my usual spot behind the house. Victoria was off from work and visiting her mother, so I was alone at the house. Just me, Homer the dog, and Isabella the cat. I was looking forward to just relaxing, eating dinner, maybe a couple of beers, and going to bed early.

I got out of the car and looked over to the gate where Homer was barking and doing his usual happy dance which he doe’s every single day when I come home. I started walking around to the other side of the car to get my stuff when this white van pulled to a stop right in front of my car.  You know the type of van, no windows, nothing descriptive, just one of those typical vans that you see every day that is usually emblazoned with the logos of plumbing companies, electricians or A.C. companies or whatever.

As I was reaching for my passenger door, the van’s side door and passenger side door opened, and three people jumped out. These people were wearing military fatigues and all of them were wearing black knitted masks that covered their faces. The most notable thing about them was the military type weapons that they were carrying and were pointed directly at me.  Behind me, Homer was barking hysterically.

About this time, one of the masked marauders spoke. You won’t be needing those things Mr. Dye, as you are coming with us.  I actually started laughing as I have seen a hundred movies with this exact scenario. I might have thought it was funny, but they weren’t laughing. Suddenly, it dawned on me, this wasn’t a movie.

Two of them rushed up to me, grabbed my arms and handcuffed my hands behind my back. I started objecting with “Hey!!! Who the fuck are you?” The one on my right pulled out a black hood and said, “Shut up libtard unless you want to do this the hard way” I shut up, and he placed the hood over my head and they proceeded to frog march me over to the van and unceremoniously tossed me inside.

Once inside the van, they pulled the hood off of me and took off my handcuffs just long enough to make me send a text to my wife stating that I was called away on emergency business and I would be gone for a few days and I would not have access to my phone. Once I complied, they put my handcuffs back on and placed the black hood back over my head.

They all hopped in, slammed the doors and off we went. They drove down city streets and highways too. They never said a word. They were playing country western music on the radio. That’s the moment when I really started getting concerned.

They drove for two or three hours and suddenly we came to a stop. The driver rolled down the window and spoke to someone outside the van and said ” We got another one”  There was the sound of gates opening, and the voice outside said, “drop him off at the intake area”  The driver responded “will do” and then said; “Just doing our part to Make America Great Again”, and drove on. By this time I really, really, had to pee.

We came to a stop, the door opened and I was pulled from the floor of the van. My handcuffs and hood were removed. The military type masked dude motioned for me to enter the double doors that led into a building that looked a lot like an auditorium or school gymnasium. I glanced up, and there over the doors, in two foot high red letters, I read the following words; “Make America Great Again”. I went inside.

I went inside…

The very first thing I did was ask the nearest guy who looked like he may be in charge of something just because he happened to be wearing a red Make America Great Again hat where the bathrooms were. He responded by pointing to the left and saying “Over there libtard” and then go in and take a seat.

So, off I went to do my thing, wash my hands, and try to learn the lay of the land so to speak. There were several questions that came to mind right away. Who are these people? What do they want? When can I get some food? Is there beer? and more importantly, how do I get home?

The first thing I did was pull out my phone and see if I could get help. There was literally no signal, which could only mean that they had cell phone jammers operating and I would not be able to call for help. I turned my phone off to save the battery and walked out.

I was lead over to a long table and was told by on of the solder type dudes in camo to empty my pockets. I emptied my pockets, and they took my pocket knife, cash, change, and debit card. Obviously, this was so I couldn’t spend any cash while incarcerated in this black ops asylum. They handed my phone back saying how it won’t work here anyway. They then handed me my wallet that was liberated of all cash and my debit card as well. This was their first mistake.

I was lead into a small sized auditorium where there must have been a hundred or hundred fifty people seated. There were men and women, young and old, all of them were looking around and it was clear by the look of confusion on their faces that they arrived here under the same circumstances as I did.

As soon as I walked into the back of the auditorium the first thing I noticed was the 24 American flags across the back of the stage as a huge banner that said “Make America Great Again” There was a screen set up with an obviously hastily put together Power Point Presentation with the words “Resistance is Futile” and below that “How you can contribute to making America great again” .

As soon as I walked in, the red hat on stage pointed at me and said, “How kind of you to join us Tom Dye, The Safety Guy. Please, ladies and gentlemen, give a warm welcome to one of the number one members of your so-called resistance.

Everyone turned to look at me and of course still being in movie mode because this entire scenario was straight out of a bad Hollywood movie, I raised my left fist into the air and shouted, “Long Live The Fighters”.

Everyone turned as one and immediately stood up and applauded, most yelled back “Long Live The Fighters” basking in the glow of the admiration of those assembled, I took a bow and ceremoniously took my seat in the back row.

After the assembled crowd settled down, the red hat on the stage made an ominous warning, “Enjoy it while you can Safety Guy because when we finish your indoctrination, there won’t be any more resistance”  Of course I couldn’t help but say to this Trumpian idiot, “Whatever Dude, If that’s what you think, then please be my guest and fuck off”  Once again there was another round of applause. I was actually starting to enjoy myself.

Red hat proceeded to give us a 45-minute cheesy PowerPoint presentation on how we all were going to be indoctrinated into being Trump supporters and how none of us would be allowed to leave until we were, the resistance would be broken once and for all, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Frankly, I wasn’t really paying much attention.

We were then all herded into military style dormitories where the men and women were separated and each dormitory held maybe 50 people. It was by now late afternoon and we were told by the red hat guards to prepare for dinner in the mess hall in 30 minutes. This was fine by me as I was starving at this point.

At the appointed time we were all herded into this giant mess hall with long tables and a sort of serve yourself buffet of either taco bowls or McDonald’s food. Evidently, their thinking was eating Trump’s favourite foods would somehow break us down. Personally, I was more concerned about my cholesterol levels. We were to be served the same foods for every meal.

In between eating the next few days consisted of sleeping, being forced to work in the camps factory churning out Make America Great hats as well as making Ivanka Trump’s clothing and accessories, followed by being forced to watch Donald Trump speeches on this gigantic 10′ high by 20′ long screen with the volume at 11, for hours at a time.

My first job at the factory, I was to run an industrial embroidery machine and embroider the words “Make America Great Again” on these red Chinese made trucker hats. I purposely kept writing “Mak Merica Grate Again” every chance I got.

When one of the red hats would come over and yell at me, I would just claim that I was a poor speller and dyslexic at that. This was just another type of resistance for me. The red hats, they believed me and soon transferred me over to putting rivets in fake leather Ivanka Trump purses. Of course, I screwed this up as much as possible as well.

In between eating, sleeping and working in the factories, we were forced to all pile into the auditorium to watch Donald Trump speeches on this giant screen with the volume turned up to 11.

I always made sure that I got right up close to the screen in the very first row. This seemed to make the red hats very happy as they thought their indoctrination was working. But in reality, this was just my way of perfecting my Donald Trump impersonations as well as mentally playing connect the dots with Trump’s giant pores on the big screen.

Well, all good things come to an end. After three or four days, I grew bored with the factory work, as the Donald Trump TV marathon, not to mention the McDonald;s food or taco bowls every fucking day and night. I started plotting my escape.

Remember when I said that it was a mistake when they returned my wallet to me? well, that was because I carry a credit card sized stainless steel multi-tool stashed inside on of the pockets. This is what it looks like;

Credit card sized multi-tool

Well, I want to say it was a Saturday or Sunday night, I wasn’t sure because I was starting to lose track of the days when I decided that I had enough of this Trumpian nonsense. I decided that sometime after lights out, I was going to make my escape before it was too late,

It was pretty sad because I had already seen how many of my fellow resistance fighters were weak and had become Trump supporters because of the indoctrination. This was obvious because some of them were now wearing “Make America Great red hats.

This same phenom had already happened to some of my close friends who drank the Trump kool-aid, and were already solid believers in the Trump authoritarian doctrine. Well, I wasn’t about to let this happen to me, After all, I Am Tom Dye, The Safety Guy, and I am one of the leaders of the resistance.

Lights out was promptly at 11:00 PM sharp. I waited for my fellow dorm mates to all fall asleep. I knew I couldn’t take anyone with me because of informers and recent converts, I was all alone.

I waited maybe two hours until I was certain everyone was asleep. I got dressed and pulled out my trusty credit sized multi-tool from my wallet and went to work. You see there was a window right behind my bunk that had galvanised 1/2 inch hardware cloth placed over the window and screwed into place. There were 36 screws. I know because I counted them multiple times.

Using my trusty multi-tool, I meticulously started removing each and every screw until I could fold the wire back far enough for me to open the window. At one point I dropped one of the screws on the floor. The sound seemed so loud that I thought everyone would wake up, but miraculously, no one did.

Once I could get to the window, I opened it wide I grabbed my blanket and slithered out to the grounds outside.  The compound was dark, so I made really good time to the fence at the edge of the compound. The fence was an 8-foot high chain link fence with three strands of barbed wire across the top. I threw the folded blanket across the barbed wire and climbed the fence. I scrambled over the top, grabbed my blanket and off I went into the night.

I walked for what seemed like hours. Just as it was starting to get light, I came to one of those all-night diners and inquired as to exactly where I was. I found out that I was near Claremont Florida about 1.5 hours east of my house. Essentially, I was out in the middle of nowhere.

I kept on walking until I reach a main road heading East-West. I came across a homeless dude on the corner with whom I traded my blanket for his black sharpie and a piece of cardboard. We were both really happy with the trade.

It sun was just coming up. I took the sharpie and made a simple sign. The sign read, ” Trump Resistance Fighter! I need a ride to Brooksville”  The moment I stepped out onto the sidewalk and held up my sign, at least 17 – 20 cars immediately pulled over and offered me a ride. This almost caused a traffic jam with the amount of Trump resistance sympathisers pulling over to offer me a ride. It was incredible.

I jumped into the first car with a guy that said he would gladly take me all the way home. A little over an hour and a half later I was dropped off right in front of my house by a complete stranger who for the last hour and a half had lapped up my story in multi-part harmony like a person stranded in the desert who had just found an oasis with the only water for miles around.

And here I am, still posting my stories on FaceBook, Twitter and on here too. Obviously, the Trumpian brain-washers failed. I heard that when others heard about my plight they discovered that the Trumpian Internment Camp had been hastily abandoned, and upon further investigation, it was discovered that there was nobody there. I have heard rumours that everyone was moved to North Carolina. Although, I have no way of knowing this for sure.

As the late Paul Harvey used to say, “Now You Know The Rest Of The Story”.

 

As Always,

I Am…..

Tom Dye, The Safety Guy

 

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This article is an original satirical news commentary by Tom Dye, The Safety Guy.

Canadian Mint Employee Steals 22 Hunks Of Gold By Hiding Them In His Butt

Canadian Mint Employee Steals 22 Hunks Of Gold By Hiding Them In His Butt!

This is certainly not an original crime by any means. Stupid criminals have been hiding stolen loot in their butts since the beginning of time. Butt, this guy takes the cake for the sheer audacity he exhibited for his ass crime.

Let me introduce our ass clenching butt bandit, Mr. Leston Lawrence;

Leston Lawrence

Leston Lawrence worked for the Canadian mint in the refinery section for 7 years before being fired for his ass crimes in 2015.

The butt bandit set off a metal detector inside the fortress-like high-security Canadian Mint building 28 times in a span of 41 days, although gold was never found on his person. Now, you would think that Canadian Mint security employees would become suspicious of a person setting off metal detectors 28 times in a little over a month, but evidently not.

Not that I blame the Canadian Mint security team,  After all, who wants to intimately examine someone’s butt to find evidence of a potential crappy crime. not to mention the fact that each gold puck used at the Canadian Mint is approximately the size of a golf ball, (The standard sized golf ball is specified to be 1.68″ in diameter). Let that thought sink in for a moment. Canadian Mint security must have thought the exact same thing.

Believe it or not, it was not the intrepid security team at the Canadian Mint who ultimately busted the rectum ranger. Nope, it was an alert bank employee at a Royal Canadian Bank that ultimately sniffed out the butt bandit’s aspirations to become the asshole that got away with his rectum rampage.

The alert bank employee noticed that Mr. Lawrence was cashing a lot of checks from The Ottawa Gold Buyers in the Westgate Shopping Centre, for about $8,000 each. He would then deposit the cheques at the Royal Bank in the same mall.

This stupid ass didn’t even bother to even go to different branches of the bank to try to hide his ass crimes.

Let’s recap our story so far:

  •  Steals a several chunks of gold approximately 1.68″ in diameter, by sticking it up his ass. Check!
  • Pass through metal detectors while keeping sphincter tightly clenched. Check!
  • Remove said golf ball sized piece of gold from his ass. (I assume he washed it off at this point) Check!
  • Sell gold to Ottawa Gold buyers for $8,000.00, get paid by check.  Check!
  • Walk around the corner to his local bank branch, that was conveniently located in the same shopping center, and deposit checks from the Ottawa gold buyers. Check!
  • Repeat 20+ times.

The hyper-vigilant bank teller remembered making an especially large deposit for Mr. Lawrence in February 2015.  noticed on his account information was a Canadian Mint employee. and because he was essentially a blue-collar worker decided to alert bank security who smelled foul play, relayed their suspicions to  the Royal Canadian Mounted Police (RCMP).

An investigation was opened and the butt bandit was put under surveillance and four stolen pucks were eventually recovered in his safety deposit box.

The investigation also lead to the discovery of Vaseline and latex gloves being found in Mr. Lawrance’s locker at the Canadian Mint.

As with things always do with stupid criminals, the butt bandit’s smelly crime spree came to an end.

Lesten Lawrence, also known as “Goldsphincter” by the media, the butt bandit or the rectum tanger, eventually went to trial and even more facts were uncovered. The Judge overseeing the trial, The Honorable Peter Doody (Yes, that was the Judge’s actual name) determined that a 30-month prison sentence term was appropriate to deter others from attempting similar crimes.

It was revealed in court that the butt bandit was arranging to have a home built in Jamaica and had sent about $33,000 to a contractor in the Caribbean. He had also invested about $34,000 in a commercial fishing boat in Florida. Another $9,500 was wired out of the country to himself and a Marvin Lawrence, while $42,000 was withdrawn as cash.

The funny things is it was revealed that The Mint, in fact, never knew the gold was missing, and its internal security system was called “appalling” in open court.

The Judge, Peter Doody also ordered the rectum ranger to repay $190,000.00 in restitution or face additional jail time.

It is unclear how the but bandit will be able to pay $190,000.00 in restitution while behind bars.

 

Al Always,

I Am…

Tom Dye, The Safety Guy

 

This article is satire and a news commentary based on actual events by Tom Dye, The Safety Guy. 

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