Tales oF the Absurd, Original Satire, Politics & News Commentary

Month: August 2016 (Page 1 of 19)

TACO HELL: Man Allegedly Assaults Teen With Burrito

TACO HELL: Man Allegedly Assaults Teen With Burrito.  Of course this incident happened in the great weird State of Florida. Those of you who regularly read my posts, already know that the most absurd stories of all, are inspired by events that happened right here in Florida.

This is a very serious crime. The stuff that Taco Bell Burritos are made of, may already be considered a weapon. Have you ever seen the Taco Bell re-fried beans? or the mystery meat? and don’t get me started on the cheese. Taco Bell burritos don’t look like any Mexican food from anywhere else on the entire planet. They have this really weird texture and consistency, I really can’t explain it any better then that. Not that there is anything wrong with that, it’s just strange.

Exhibit A


These burritos have some hefty weight to them as well. I can see how an assault with one of these would be considered a serious crime. Evidently a sixteen year old kid was mouthing off to his mother when he asked his brother in law to hand him a burrito. This was his first mistake.

The thirty six year old brother in law, delivered the burrito alright, “with force” to the teenagers face, by throwing it at him, from across the room, as hard as he could. The burrito exploded on impact with the boys face as evidenced by the Taco Bell burrito cheese, sauce, and meat all over the boys face and clothes, which was still evident when the cops arrived.

After the boy was struck by the flying Taco Bell burrito bomb, which hit it’s intended target and exploded on contact with the teens face, the stricken teen somehow safely stumbled into the bathroom, locked the door and manage to call 911 to report the assault. This was a pretty amazing feat for a kid blinded by a burrito bomb. Luckily the teen reacted quickly, so he could receive medical treatment for exposure to the deadly ingredients. Sadly, the burrito did not survive the assault.

Part of the mystery to this story is, it did not state how old the Taco Bell burrito bomb was. How is that important? you might ask. Think about it. Anyone who has ordered Taco Bell burritos knows that when they sit for a time and get cold, they get as hard as concrete. This could have been a very serious blow to the teen.

If the burrito was more then an hour old, the teen could have been critically injured, or even killed. If the burrito was only a few minutes old it could have exploded on impact and the molten re-fried beans would have severely burned and disfigured the kid.

By using my SWAG theory (scientific wild ass guess) I am deducing that the burrito was somewhere around 30 minutes old. Otherwise, the teen would have been far more seriously injured.

The alleged burrito bomber was promptly arrested on 3rd degree assault charges.

Important Safety Tip: For all my teenage readers, pay close attention, take notes if you have to.

Never mouth off to your Mother, especially if there are Taco Bell burritos in the house

If you mouth off to your Mother, you will get burrito bombed.

If you get burrito bombed and survive the deadly encounter, you will call the Police.

If the Police are called, the story will make the news.

If the story makes the news, I may read it.

If I read the story, I may feature the absurd news headline right here on Profound Revelations.

If I feature you on Profound Revelations, my version of the events will be far more absurd, and you will be exposed for the dumb–s moron that you are.

Don’t mouth off to your mother!

As always,
I am…

Tom Dye, The Safety Guy


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Brave Brit Fights Off 4 Attackers While Holding Fish And Chips

Brave Brit Fights Off 4 Attackers While Holding Fish And Chips.  This story is a tribute to my British readers.  Right off the bat, I want to say, This guy is my f–king hero. He is obviously some a British version of the Bruce Willis, character John McClane from the ‘Die Hard’ series of movies. He even resembles Bruce Willis, except he has hair.

This real life action hero, John Wood, 37 (I even mentioned this guy by name because he is that f–king bada-s) a Pub owner, in Britain had just purchased some of the British version of fast food, Fish n’ Chips. The shop is appropriately named, Frank’s Fish & Chips Shop, and is located in Wisbech, Cambridgeshire, England.

John Wood Photo by Steve Williams

John, as I am going to refer to him from now on, single-handily, I mean literally, single-handily fought off four, count um, four muggers at once, when the four muggers asked for his wallet. at this same moment his phone went off so the muggers told John to hand over his phone as well.

John, being the super hero that he is, simply told the muggers “Come and Get it”. All four of the unlucky muggers jumped our hero, John at once. John remembering some Aikido skills he learned as a kid and immediately took two of the would be muggers down. He then knocked down a third before the fourth mugger stabbed him in the side with a sharpened screwdriver.

Of course, John was not going to be stopped by something as trivial as being stabbed in the side with a screwdriver. As a matter of fact, I am sure that this was not more then a mere annoyance for our super hero. John then proceeded to disarm the mugger with the screwdriver. John  pulled the screwdriver out of his side himself, which disarmed the mugger and then hit him. John thinks he knocked out the unlucky screwdriver stabber.

Then as John so aptly put it – “Then I just got in my car and left.” John was quite proud to point out that his order of Frank’s Fish n’ Chips wasn’t even squashed.

After John got home, John’s fiancee eventually convinced our reluctant super hero to go to the hospital, he felt it wasn’t really necessary. John reluctantly agreed early the next morning, but only because the wound wouldn’t stop bleeding. John received 18 stitches (15 internal, and 3 external) to close the stab wound to his side. This guy makes Chuck Norris look like a f–king wimp.

Photo by Steve Williams

There is a bit of irony in this story, remember I told you his phone went off the moment the muggers asked our hero John for his wallet? Well, it was a text message from his fiancee telling John “Be careful, it’s dangerous out there” This is f–king priceless. Evidently it isn’t dangerous for John, it’s far more dangerous for muggers.

Of course this brings up some questions. John being a Pub owner, certainly has experience fighting off people while holding a pint, and not spilling a drop to boot. This is to be expected as this would be alcohol abuse, which by the way, is a serious crime in the United Kingdom, as well as the United States.

But this was not a beer our reluctant super hero was holding, it was an order of Frank’s Fish n’ Chips. Something similar the the image below.

Fish n’ Chips

The only possible explanation for John’s heroics is these must be the best Fish n’ Chips on the entire planet. Is there some sort of secret ingredient that I am not aware of? are they worth risking your life for? Evidently at least as far as John is concerned the answer is a resounding YES!

Of course, here in the United States, especially the great weird State of Florida, this feat of heroism certainly not be that heroic. You see even one handed, the gun nuts would always make sure that they had quick access to their legally concealed military type assault firearm. It would not take more then a second or two, and the four muggers would be dead on the ground.

It’s even easier here in Florida, because of our asinine, “Stand Your Ground Law”. Evidently our dumb–s Florida Lawmakers dream of returning to the lawless, bloodbath, days of the old west. Maybe they all secretly think of themselves as Clint Eastwood’s character from his spaghetti western movie days from the 1960’s. When in actuality, these half-wit lawmakers are more like the half insane Clint Eastwood, who recently had a rambling incoherent conversation with an empty chair.

Did you know that in Florida all you have to do is say you felt threatened. You can even be the aggressive party who started the altercation. All you have to do is kill the other person or persons and say you felt threatened by them. You would most likely get away with murder. After all dead men tell no tales.

Did I mention that I was in London in 1991, I had an absolutely amazing time. I also had Fish n’ Chips. However, I certainly would not have died for them, they were certainly very good, and I thoroughly enjoyed them. They were even wrapped in paper that was made to look like the London Times. That being said, I still would not have risked my life for them. I would have given my wallet, phone and the Fish n’ Chips to the four muggers. Of course, these poor imitations were not from Frank’s Fish N’ Chips Shop either.

Maybe some of my British readers can enlighten us, as to what makes these Fish n’ Chips worth risking your life over.  Sounds like Victoria and I need to plan a trip to Wisbech, Cambridgeshire. England.

In order to get to the bottom of this story, Tom Dye, The Safety Guy and my seriously lovely fiancee, and editor, Victoria, will need to investigate this Frank’s Fish n’ Chips Shop personally. If anyone wants to finance our trip for some Profound Revelations on-site investigative reporting and dining, at Frank’s Fish n’ Chips Shop,  please contact me by email. Your support would certainly be very much appreciated.

To my new hero, John Wood.  I am raising a pint of ice cold Heineken, just for you. Well done John, very well done indeed. Cheers!

As always,

I am…

Tom Dye, The Safety Guy


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Stripper Turned Ministry Leader: Homosexuality Caused By Sex With Demons

Stripper Turned Ministry Leader: Homosexuality Caused By Sex With Demons. Strippers for Jesus, Hallelujah,  Really!!!

The only thing that I could imagine, that could be causing these bizarre hallucinations are toxic chemicals leaching from her over sized, stripper, breast implants. Obviously, this stripper turned Minister had her, come to Jesus moments, brought on by toxic chemicals leaking from her breast implants, constantly leaching into her blood stream, and shorting out the pre-frontal cortex of her brain, thus, causing a severe psychotic break with reality..

Her next chemical infused psychotic visions became even more crystal clear….

Que; The Voice of God, trumpets sounding, hoards of angels, bright light and lots of fluffy clouds.

Homosexuality is caused by having sex with demons.

Sex with demons causes homosexuality??? are you f–king kidding me?

Just for full disclosure, I am not a homosexual myself. I have however, known, and do know, several homosexuals, (not that there is anything wrong with that), and I can assure you none of them seem like the type to have sex with demons.

Even with my very liberal attitude towards all people, I think anyone that would have sex with demons would be a major red-line issue for me. Certainly, I would never associate with people who have sex with demons. Have you ever seen a demon?
I have, and they are pretty damn ugly. Well, here’s picture of a typical Demon.


Really! Who’s going to have sex with this ugly a– thing? Not even another Demon, would have sex with a Demon. Hell, believe it or not, this guy is actually one of the better looking Demons.

Mostly,  all the Gays and Lesbians that I know, are highly intelligent, funny, articulate, artistic, fashion conscious, and well educated. They wouldn’t sleep with a Demon ever, no matter what. This Stripper turned Minister even quoted the Bible; Matthew 12:44, which speaks of when a demon is cast out and then looks to return, but finds the house is clean, swept and in order.

This passage alone should be a dead giveaway. Virtually every gay and lesbian that I have ever known, have the neatest, cleanest, most tastefully decorated homes, that I have ever seen. So obviously, this entire notion that homosexuality being caused by having sex with Demons is totally absurd.

She claims herself that she was once possessed by sexual demons, specifically, a Succubus. A Succubus is a female sexual demon that only assaults men. According to her, this Succubus actually made her contemplate becoming a lesbian. According to religious doctrine a Succubus only appears in your dreams. This must have been the original mind f–ck.

Apparently, she did not have an explanation for why a Succubus, that only attacks men would attack her. Why would this Succubus make her contemplate being a lesbian? This makes no sense. Think about it, Did I mention she wrote a book? This is nothing more then an ill conceived story to convince weak minded people to buy her book.

For those of you who don’t know, an Incubus is the male version of this particular demon. I believe that the only way you can tell them apart is, a Succubus has very large fake stripper boobs.

Also, Religious traditions hold that repeated intercourse with a succubus may result in the deterioration of health or even death. Hmm. Unless I missed something, there is nothing there, about about turning it’s victims into homosexuals.

Now, here’s what I think. I think that the Stripper turned Minister, with the leaky toxic breast implants, is being manipulated by a Demon into believing that she is a Minister. This explanation most accurately fits the facts as we know them. This delusional behavior is far more typical  for those possessed by Demons.

Demons often make their victims believe themselves to be something they are not. From a Demon’s point of view, making a Stripper believe that she is a Minister, would be pretty damned funny.

Or it could be a more scientific explanation. In the field of medicine, there is some belief that the stories relating to encounters with succubus bear similar resemblance to the contemporary phenomenon of people reporting alien abductions.  This phenomenon has been ascribed to a condition called sleep paralysis.

Sleep paralysis? That’s absurd. I am sticking with the demon manipulating the toxic chemicals from her leaky over sized stripper breast implants to turn this stripper into a Minister, just for fun scenario.  This is the only explanation that actually makes any sense.

Final Thoughts….This woman’s story is nothing more then thinly veiled fear, hatred, bigotry, and homophobia wrapped in the cloak of religion to gain respectability. Interesting how she is promoting a new book. Simple research, online, reveals all the holes, and factual falsehoods, in her story.  My version of events, is equally just as plausible. Both versions of events are equally absurd. I guess you will just have to take it on faith, as to which version is real.

Anyone who twists religious doctrine to suit their own twisted version of reality, is not a ministry leader at all. These individuals, are the exact types, that standard religious doctrine warns about.

This is not an isolated case. She joins a large despicable group. If you watch the NEWS you may be aware of the hateful minister in Gainesville, Florida, as well as the religious hate group based in Topeka, Kansas. There are many, many more. All hate, all the time, all brought to you, in the name of God.

I don’t have to be religious, to understand that fear, bigotry, hatred, intolerance, and homophobia, have no place in civilized society. If we could all just love, accept, and embrace our differences as individuals, we could all live in peace and harmony as a society. After all, we are all just human beings, living together on a very small rock, that we all call home.

OK, enough serious sh-t. After all, this is satire.

Important Safety Tip: If you, or anyone else you know, has great big stripper implants that may be leaking, please see a physician immediately.

As always,

I am…

Tom Dye, The Safety Guy

Become a follower today and receive a notifications of new content as soon as it’s posted.
If you enjoy this blog, Please tell your friends, family and co-workers. Post a link on Facebook,, Twitter, Google+, share it by email, or shout it from the roof to unsuspecting passersby.
Your support is genuinely appreciated.

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