Tales oF the Absurd, Original Satire, Politics & News Commentary

Month: January 2017 (Page 1 of 3)

Florida Man Claims His Pants Took Off Running By Themselves

Florida Man Claims His Pants Took Off Running By Themselves!

Meet 52-year old, Charles William Raulerson of Pensacola, Florida.

Charles William Raulerson

Escambia County Sheriff’s Office in Pensacola, Florida received a call last Sunday regarding a naked man at the carwash. Upon arriving at the scene Deputies saw a pantsless man standing by his car with music blaring from his vehicle. Nothing unusual here, after all, this is Florida, so at first glance, this was just another day for law enforcement.

Deputies asked Mr. Raulerson to put on his pants. You would think that this was a perfectly reasonable request and in most cases, it would have been. This was not one of those times.

You see, this was one of those strange but true cases that fall well into the category of the unexplained.

Mr. Raulerson explained that he could not comply with their perfectly reasonable request, because as he explained, “They took off running by themselves without me.”

Of, course the Sheriff’s Deputies did not believe him, and that was to be expected. You see my friends, Law Enforcement is not privy to the more esoteric knowledge that I as Tom Dye, The Safety Guy possess including; Possessed Pants Syndrome (PPS). If the Sheriff’s Deputies would have done a little more digging into the situation they would have uncovered the eyewitness to this bizarre encounter. I did some extensive digging and actually found the eyewitness to Charles Raulerson’s bizarre encounter on that fateful day.

If the Sheriff’s Deputies would have done a little more digging into the situation they would have uncovered the eyewitness to this bizarre encounter. I did some extensive digging and actually found the eyewitness to Charles Raulerson’s bizarre encounter on that fateful day.

For the first time, the actual first-hand account of what actually happened is being reported by Profound Revelations.

The eyewitness who is still traumatized by the entire incident is speaking out exclusively to me, Tom Dye, The Safety Guy. What follows is the actual first-hand account of what he personally witnessed. To protect his privacy, I will refer to him only as; Mr. Smith. His real name is being withheld to protect his privacy and his sanity.

According to Mr. Smith, it was about 5:40 AM, last Sunday, when he arrived at the carwash to wash his car when he saw a strange and unexpected event that literally challenged his entire view of reality.

Mr. Smith arrived at the carwash early to get his car washed and complete his other errands complete before the big game last Sunday.

Per Mr. Smith’s first-hand account, it was still dark, but the parking lot was well lit. Mr. Smith relates how he saw Mr. Raulerson exit his vehicle in the parking lot and suddenly started acting strange. He further stated that it wasn’t Mr. Raulerson per say way not acting strange, it was as if he suddenly became a martinet on a string.

Suddenly Mr. Raulerson was seen what could only be described as a combination of jumping and goose-stepping around his vehicle. He seemed that he was not in control of the lower half of his own body. Mr. Raulseron was observed swatting at his pants and screaming in terror.

He jumped and goose-stepped around his car two or three times and suddenly seemed to be flung to the ground. His shoes were suddenly flung off, one in one direction, and the other in another. His pants, described as denim jeans by Mr. Smith, unbuttoned themselves, unzipped on their own accord, and quickly slithered all the way down the legs of the terrified Mr. Raulsrson.

According to Mr. Smith, the pants suddenly stood tall and took off running. The humanless pants bolted for the carwash and ran back and forth through the carwash right past him, three or four times before suddenly running full speed through the car wash one last time, and bolted full speed down the street before turning onto a side street and disappearing around the corner. The entire bizarre encounter lasted less than two minutes.

Obviously, this is not normal behavior for your average pants. Mr. Smith stated that he was so stunned that he actually stood there frozen in disbelief,  and doing so, wasted $2.50 in quarters because he just stood there letting his time run out, mouth open, trying to reconcile what he had just witnessed first hand with the reality that he has always known.

About then, the Sheriff’s Deputies arrived and asked Mr. Raulerson to put on his pants. Mr Raulserson then explained in detail how his pants suddenly took off running without him.

The Sheriff Deputies blissfully ignorant of Possessed Pants Syndrome (PPS) were not buying his story on how his pants somehow defied the laws of physics and ran away all by themselves, asked him to then sit in his car. Frustrated that the Deputies were so ignorant and unsympathetic to his predicament Mr. Raulerson then threatened the Sheriff’s Deputies with a screwdriver.

Mr. Raulerson was tasered and immediately arrested. His pants were never found.

Charles Raulerson is not the first unlucky sap to be caught without pants. Possessed Pants Syndrome (PPS) strikes randomly and without warning. Nobody knows why, or even where the pants go after they run off, as they are never apprehended while on the run.

Some theories suggest that somehow possessed pants end up at thrift stores. Whether they ran there by themselves or were dropped off by some unsuspecting person isn’t clear. The only thing that is certain is that they lay in wait for another unsuspecting person to buy them, and run off once again. There is some evidence to suggest that the hot spot for Possessed Pants Syndrome is in Florida, although this is still unconfirmed.

If any of my readers have ever experienced Possessed Pants Syndrome or have any further insights on how, or why this happens, please leave a comment and your contact information so we can try to get to the bottom of this once and for all.


As Always,

I Am….

Tom Dye, The Safety Guy.


This article is satire and news commentary based on actual events. The original source material can be found here

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The Complete Guide On How To Create Your Own Alternative Facts For Fun & Profit

The Complete Guide On How To Create Your Own Alternative Facts For Fun & Profit

This tutorial will have you on way creating your own “Alternative Facts” in no time, and never be accused of lying again.

Part One – The History of Alternative Facts

The term “alternative facts” was first coined by Kellyanne Conway, President Trump’s Counselor to the President on NBC’s, Meet The Press with Chuck Todd.

Kellyanne Conway

After being grilled by Chuck Todd on Trump’s Press Secretary lying about the size of the inauguration crowd. Spicer, and Trump insisted on Saturday that the crowds were the biggest ever and, even commented that the crowds went all the way back to the Washington Monument.

Spicer went on to claim that this was the biggest audience to ever witness an inauguration – Period – both in person and around the globe. These statements, as well as many others, caused a huge uproar with the media. 

The problem was, these statements were demonstrably false, as well as easily verifiable. The evidence was clear not only from photographs taken during the inauguration but D.C. Metro ride numbers as well.Most of Spicers, other statements were blatantly false as well. 

Nothing special about that right? Enter Kellyanne Conway, the creator of the alternative facts narrative. Conway was a guest on Meet The Press with Chuck Todd on January 22, 2016. This was the moment that the alternative facts narrative was born.

Conway skillfully used every tool in her arsenal and successfully deflected every single question while creating an entirely new narrative or alternate facts to support her case.

These are the skills and techniques that you are going to learn in this complete guide to creating successful alternative facts that you can use for not only fun but profit as well. I strongly suggest that you pay close attention to the master at work.

As you noticed, as Chuck Todd accused Kellyanne Conway of lying, Conway fired back, deflected every question and finally ended with a veiled threat against the media and stated that Spicer was just giving “Alternative Facts” in regards to the crowd size.This was genius.

Part Two – What Are Alternative Facts?

In order for you to use “Alternative Facts” correctly and with conviction you need to understand the word definitions.

According to the dictionary, the words can be defined as:

Alternativea choice limited to one of two or more possibilities

Facts – a truth known by actual experience or observation; something known to be true

You see, you now we have a way to not let those pesky facts get in the way of your own reality. This guide will teach you how to create your own”Alternative Facts” and never be accused of lying again.

Part Three – How to use Alternative Facts to your advantage in your personal and work life.

There are certain key rules for “Alternative Facts” that must be adhered to in order for you to successfully create your own fact-free reality:

  1. No matter what the actual facts are, whether it be video, audio recordings, historical records or even what others can actually see or hear for themselves, once you claim “Alternative Facts” you can never, ever walk back on your alternative fact claims, not now, not ever. Doing so would severely damage your credibility.
  2. Repetition is critically important, I can’t stress this enough. The more you repeat your alternative facts, the more they intrude into the reality of others. Eventually, your alternative facts are everyone else’s facts as well.
  3. If anyone, ever challenges you on your alternative facts whether it is the media, coworkers, friends, family, etc. IMMEDIATELY GO ON THE ATTACK! Accuse them of bias, disrespect, ignorance; threaten retaliation, whatever it takes. Deflect every question they ask no matter how reasonable or rational it may be. Do not listen! Shut down the person challenging your alternative facts, and walk away.  Mock outrage is also an extremely useful deflective tool; however, it is also extremely difficult to master.
  4. Find others who agree with your alternative facts. It is always easier in the alternative universe when others agree with you and who are willing to back you up. As the old adage goes, there is safety in numbers. The internet and especially Facebook, can be quite useful in recruiting like-minded allies. Use these allies to your advantage. Note: It is always important to remember, that if you can adjust your alternative facts narrative closer to conspiracy theory territory, you will maximize your alternative fact believer, which of course creates maximum impact as well as mass credibility.
  5. Always remember that you have to absolutely believe that you are right and everybody else is wrong. That is unless they agree with you of course.
  6. Practice. Practice, Practice. I highly recommend that you watch Donald Trump and Kellyanne Conway in action. There is lots of video of both of them in action. Attacking, deflecting and of course their judicious use of alternative facts.

For those of you willing to practice advanced deflection techniques such as mock outrage, I highly recommend Marco Rubio or Ted Cruz videos from the 2016 Republican debates. Just be forewarned Ted Cruz is a master at mock outrage and very few others have the ability to rise to his level of ability.  

Note: I would begin first with Marco Rubio videos as he is at an intermediate skill level for mock outrage. if you master that then move up to the Ted Cruze master class mock outrage.

Part Four – What Alternative Facts are not.

I have been asked by several people, “Isn’t “Plausible Deniability” the same as Alternative Facts?

That’s a very good question and the simple answer is no. Plausible deniability is an entirely different tool altogether. However, in some extremely advanced uses, both may be used together to spin a plausible narrative.

Per Wikipedia, Plausible Deniability is defined as:

The ability for persons (typically senior officials in a formal or informal chain of command) to deny knowledge of or responsibility for any damnable actions committed by others (usually subordinates in an organizational hierarchy) because of a lack of evidence that can confirm their participation, even if they were personally involved in or at least willfully ignorant of the actions. In the case that illegal or otherwise disreputable and unpopular activities become public, high-ranking officials may deny any awareness of such acts in order to insulate themselves and shift blame onto the agents who carried out the acts, as they are confident that their doubters will be unable to prove otherwise. The lack of evidence to the contrary ostensibly makes the denial plausible, that is, credible, although sometimes it merely makes it unactionable. The term typically implies forethought, such as intentionally setting up the conditions to plausibly avoid responsibility for one’s (future) actions or knowledge. In some organizations, legal doctrines such as command responsibility exist to hold major parties responsible for the actions of subordinates involved in heinous acts and nullify any legal protection that their denial of involvement would carry”

As you can clearly see, Plausible Deniability is a very important tool, especially if you are a politician, career civil servant, diplomat, high-ranking member of the military, or high-level corporate executive. This is also a very advanced tool to use, and if used correctly, nobody knows or suspects that it was ever used at all.

By itself, Plausible Deniability is a somewhat limited purpose tool. However, those who are expert at both, alternative facts and plausible deniability, are extremely successful in their fields of expertise.

You are far better off just sticking to alternative facts as it’s a far more useful multi-purpose tool that you can use every day and get great results.


As Always

I Am…..

Tom Dye, The Safety Guy

This news commentary is an original work of satire by Tom Dye, The Safety Guy

Yes, Beer Yoga, REALLY Is A Thing!

Yes, Beer Yoga, REALLY Is A Thing!

and, I’m all in.

The geniuses at Germany’s, Bier Yoga (On FaceBook @bieryoga) seem to have started this trend over a year ago. Why didn’t anybody friggin bring this to my attention sooner? Jhula over at @bieryoga is my new hero. It’s no surprise that Beer Yoga is taking the world by storm.

Beer Yoga from @bieryoga

Beer is one thing I know about. I consider myself a professional beer aficionado.  I don’t mean the horrible King of Beers, The Champagne of Beer or even beer brewed with Rocky Mountain Spring Water. I am talking about real beer, mirco-brews, brew pubs, Sam Adams, Carlsburg, Guiness, etc. essentially beers with body and flavor. Obviously, this is how it should be.

Don’t get be wrong. I am not advocating excessive beer drinking at all. However, a nice cold beer or two after a grueling day at work is certainly appropriate.

I do have extensive experience with fine beers that are certainly related to Yoga. Deep breathing a fine aroma of a fine beer for starters. I am even fairly expert at both 12-ounce as well as 16-ounce curls. I have even proven proficient at 64-ounce “growler” curls as well.

Yoga, on the other hand, not so much. You see, I have never been very flexible. I mean not now, not ever in my life. When I watch Yoga all I can see is pain, and a severe risk if falling down. This actually makes me feel pretty inadequate.

On the other hand, after a couple of beers, I feel enough courage that I could give Yoga a shot, and maybe even be semi-successful. Like I sad, Beer and Yoga is a genius combination, and I for one, I am fully prepared to pursue it to the fullest and strive to become an expert at Beer Yoga. I mean why not? For just once in my life I want to be on the cutting edge of something, instead of a Johnny come lately.

I have already instructed my retirement advisors to liquidate my retirement so I can start a new Beer and Yoga pub to be called, Yogi Beera’s Beer & Yoga Pub. As we speak, I am currently interviewing and hiring the best Beer Yoga instructors and bartenders from all over the country. I envision that Yogi Beera’s Beer & Yoga Pub will feature 58 beers on tap as well as plenty of open space for the new Beer Yoga craze.

Once Yogi Beera’s Beer & Yoga Pub is up and running, I will begin selling franchise opportunities all across America.

Beer Yoga Photo from @bieryoga

Do you think @bieryoga’s Jhula is available? I think I need some personalized instruction in Beer Yoga as soon as possible.

Who knows this could be the next big thing. After all, the guy who invented the Pet Rock, made millions in the early 1970’s because he had vision. I believe that I can see quite clearly now.

I am definitely going to spring for the extra thick yoga mats.


As Always,

I Am…..

Tom Dye, The Safety Guy


This is an original article of news satire by Tom Dye, The Safety Guy.


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