Tales oF the Absurd, Original Satire, Politics & News Commentary

Month: March 2013 (Page 1 of 2)

These Shoes Will Literally Kill You

These Shoes Will Literally Kill You!

In this case, this is not a cliche. You know what I mean, we’ve all heard the expression, my feet are killing me, or these shoes are killing me, etc.  Seriously, women wear shoes all the time that literally kill their feet and actually experience  pain in every single step,  all in the name of fashion. Me, I would much much rather wear clunky looking sensible shoes.

Actually,  my feet are f–king killing me right now! I  have a really good  excuse though. You see, I was replacing the entire bathroom floor down to the floor joists, replacing the beams, plywood, etc. I did this for the entire freaking weekend. So, I can safely say that my aching feet are strictly due to overworking and not because of something far more insidious.

This foot attack which happened in Japan is something entirely different. This is truly a horrendous crime. Japanese police say they have arrested a man because he tried to kill a female colleague by putting hydrofluoric acid, a highly toxic and corrosive chemical, in her shoes. The alleged attack, which took place in December, caused gangrene to develop in the toes of the woman’s left foot.

Being Tom Dye the Safety Guy, I know something about hydrofluoric acid. Trust me, when I say that this would have to be a very depraved individual to purposely expose anyone to this truly nasty substance. Hydrofluoric acid is one of the most toxic and corrosive substances known to man.

You see, hydrofluoric acid doesn’t burn the skin like sulfuric acid, which you hear about in the news when there is an acid attack on somebody. Acids like sulfuric, cause immediate burns and scaring. No, my friends, hydrofluoric acid is far, far, more insidious. Here’s a little trivia, hydrofluoric acid actually dissolves glass. That’s right, this s–t actually dissolves glass.

When someone is exposed to hydrofluoric acid they need to seek medical treatment immediately. Hydrofluoric acid is absorbed through the skin and starts dissolving bones. I just want that to sink in for a moment…..

Not only is exposure to this substance excruciatingly painful it dissolves your bones. Do you know what you would turn into if all your bones dissolved?

Giant earthworm

That’s right, you would be nothing more than a giant f–king earthworm, maybe something similar to the one pictured above.  Just imagine all the bones in your body dissolving? You would get to spend the rest of your life slithering around on the ground.  It seems to me that this would present unique challenges. Certainly, you wouldn’t be able to work. Seriously, someone slithering around on the floor would most likely be seen as fairly disruptive by your fellow coworkers.

You couldn’t drive. Have you ever seen a giant earthworm driving a car? I think not. You would have serious issues shopping at your local Walmart. Besides, how are you going to carry cash or credit cards? How would you pick up items off the shelves and place them into your shopping cart? How would you even push a shopping cart? I could think of about a hundred more questions, but what would be the point.

This woman was very lucky indeed. Thank God, she realized something was seriously wrong and sought medical attention right away. Maybe her shoes dissolving right off her feet as she was wearing them was a dead giveaway. Maybe it was something else. To deal with the immediate issue, doctors had to remove the tips of five of her toes, according to the local deputy chief of police.

You are never going to believe why this evil moron did this to the nice young woman. No, it wasn’t because she did something so horrible to the guy and he felt the need to seek revenge in one of the most horrific ways possible. Oh no, my friends, he did this to her because he had had “romantic feelings” toward the victim.

I bet that this dude was one of those stupid kids who used to pull the girl’s pony tails when he was a kid in his expression of puppy love. It seems to me that putting hydrofluoric acid in your love interests shoes is not a very good way to get a date. In fact, I can safely say that the only date that this guy is going top get is the sumo wrestler sized cell mate that he is going to have for the next few years.

Luckily, the nice girl only lost the top of a few toes and was not transformed into a giant earthworm.  I suppose she got off lucky.

As always,

I am…

Tom Dye, The Safety Guy


Incoming search terms:

More than 17,000 genital injuries tied to zippers

More than 17,000 genital injuries tied to zippers

Holy Sh-t! A study published in a recent issue of a British urology journal found 17,616 people went to the emergency room between 2002 and 2010 for genital injuries caused by zippers.

When is everyone with a ‘wanker’ on the planet going to stand up and demand justice. This hideous device, the zipper must be some sort of evil plot to scar mankind, and I really mean, man-kind. If any of you guys have seen that movie “There’s Something About Mary” then you know exactly what I am talking about. The Ben Stiller zipper scene is truly horrifying.

What the hell was wrong with buttons anyway? Before buttons there was draw strings, both these pants closures were extremely wanker friendly. Seriously, did you ever hear of any guy getting his wanker caught up in his button fly jeans or draw string pants? I think not.

So what changed? Why did someone decide that the non-hazardous pants closures, buttons and draw strings, that was used for centuries suddenly needed to be replaced with something that included really, really, sharp metal teeth?

I have a theory about this. I believe that the inventor of the zipper,  a man named Whitcomb L. Judson, was an American mechanical engineer from Chicago who was the first to invent and conceive of the idea, and the first to construct a workable-zipper, obviously had a hidden agenda.

You see, Witcomb had it out for his fellow man. I don’t know what happened in his childhood to cause him turn on the rest of  us,  maybe he just had an extra small penis. Whatever was going on in this madman’s mind, we will never know for sure. But one thing is clear, Witcomb L. Judson is a man to be despised and cursed until the end of time.

Think about it 17,616 people went to the emergency room between 2002 and 2010 for genital injuries caused by zippers.  The scary thing is, this was just in the United Kingdom.  Can you imagine what the number is worldwide? WTF…I don’t thing I can even imagine that, and I don’t even want to try. Hell, I’m still damaged from watching the zipper scene from “There’s Something About Mary”.

I think all the men on the planet, or anyone else with a wanker for that matter, should immediately rise up and demand that all men’s pants only be made with a button fly’s or draw string’s.  Think about it,  if all of us refused to buy any pants with zippers, this scourge, of the earth will slowly disappear from the earth once and for all.

In the meantime, there is something you can do should any part of your wanker, or if you’re inclined, a friends wanker (not that there is anything wrong with that) gets caught up in a zipper.  Here’s what you do. You may want to take notes. Don’t worry I can wait….

“You want to just pour mineral oil all over the zipper victims wanker and the zipper. Be generous, that’s the key.  Then let the victim sit there for 20 or 30 minutes. Park him in a room somewhere. When you come back, the foreskin will have simply slipped out of that zipper, although in some cases you may need a cotton swab to help it along a bit,”

That’s it guys, Let’s get to work and get rid of these wanker chomping zipper’s once and for all.

As always,

I am…

Tom Dye, The Safety Guy


Man Banned From All The Libraries On The Face Of The Earth

Man Banned From All The Libraries On The Face Of The Earth

This guy was actually banned from “all the libraries on the face of the earth. WOW! banished to a life of illiteracy forever. This guy seriously f–ked up.

Surprisingly, this incident did not happen in the great weird State of Florida. This actually happened in the State of Wisconsin. Nice try Wisconsin, you have a long way to go to catch up with Florida.This guy decided to stand right out in the open in the library and masturbate  Yes, you heard me right, he was masturbating right there in the middle of the library. Seriously, He wasn’t even trying to hide it or anything. He just dropped his drawers and started j–king off right there, in the middle of the library.

Yes, you heard me right, he was masturbating right there in the middle of the library. Seriously, He wasn’t even trying to hide it or anything. He just dropped his drawers and started j–king off right there, in the middle of the library.

Typical Library
 He wasn’t masturbating to “50 Shades of Grey”, or other some other erotic novel, or anything else for that matter. WTF…is there something erotic about shelves lined with books, the smell of musty reading materials, he wasn’t even with a woman, man, or anyone else.

So, now our library masturbator is; by court order, banned from “all the libraries on the face of the earth”. Wow!!! this is a serious punishment. Especially since you know that book stores,, etc. are also going to follow suit, The next thing you know his local newspaper is going to stop delivery as well. This poor schmuck is doomed to a life without reading materials for as long as he lives. Talk about forced illiteracy.

Sure, he can still buy second-hand books and magazines at the grocery store or thrift shops, but it is not the same as  brand new periodicals, untouched by human hands, with that nice new book smell to it.

You know what I was wondering? Do you think when the librarians noticed this halfwit masturbating right there in the middle of the library, do you think they used that exaggerated stage whisper thing to tell him to stop? You know what I mean right? Maybe it went something like this;

Pssst, Pssst, you there! Yeah, you wanker! Put it away right now and get out. There are people trying to read you pervert. Get out right now, I am calling the Cops. (Note: The small print represents the hushed conversation.)

Just imagine the hell that this guy is going to have to live through for now for the rest of his life. I am not just talking about the humiliation of being arrested for masturbating right in the middle of the library, for no apparent reason. The extensive media coverage alone for doing something so incredibly stupid is enough to mark him as a literary pervert for life. After all, that’s how I got wind of it, to write about it, because it was extensively covered by the media.

This guy is now banned from every library on earth for life. Seriously, it doesn’t get any worse than this. This dumba-s is not allowed inside any libraries, bookstores, news-stands, or anywhere else where publications are sold.

I don’t know about you, but I am not a big fan of Libraries anyway and this incident just reinforces my belief that a lot of those old books have been handled by people who don’t wash their hands after using the bathroom, or in this guy’s case after masturbating, Ewww.

This reminds me of that one weird dude at work who takes his papers, reports, etc. into the bathroom with them and then want’s you to take those same papers and read them. I think not my friends, you never know what they may be infected with after that little trip.

This poor halfwit is going to be f–ked in more ways as well. Restaurants and related establishments are not going to let this moron touch their menus either. Seriously, after all, the bad press this guy has received, nobody with any type of printed materials is going to let this dude anywhere near them. I highly doubt that they will even serve him at all. Let’s not even go there and start talking about shaking hands with this moron. Enough said right?

This reminds me of my fiancee, Victoria, and her steadfast refusal, to let me even think about touching any of those two or three-year-old magazines, you always see in the waiting room of the Doctor’s office. Her theory is, hundreds of sick people have thumbed through those pages prior to you.

You know what? I hate to admit it, but, she is exactly right. However, I am not overly concerned though, as she is always squirting alcohol based hand sanitizer into my hands, whenever I touch anything. I am pretty sure she has a lifetime supply right there in her purse. Trust me she never, ever, runs out. Hey, Better safe then sorry.

I would not be surprised at all, if this dumba-s public library masturbator descends slowly into madness from only having access to yesterdays newspapers and paperback books he may be able to scavenge from his neighbors trash on garbage day.

Think about it? Would you want to touch any reading material that this dude handled at anytime? I don’t know about you, but I am sticking with brand new books, magazines or whatever and I am definitely going to look into getting more digital media.

I am pretty sure that nobody would be able to masturbate to my digital downloads.

Don’t be alarmed my friends, I can assure you that, Profound Revelations – Tales of the Absurd is free from any sort of previously masturbated upon pages and is certified to be sanitized prior to your reading it.

As always, 
I am…

Tom Dye, The Safety Guy

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