PROFOUND REVELATIONS

Tales oF the Absurd, Original Satire, Politics, Religion & News Commentary

Category: Weird Florida Page 1 of 4

The Karma Files: Miami Lawyer’s Pants Burst Into Flames During Absurd Defense At Arson Trial

The Karma Files: Miami Lawyer’s Pants Burst Into Flames During Absurd Defense At Arson Trial!

This news story literally begged me, no DEMANDED that I take immediate action. It shouted my name from the rooftops and literally slapped me in the face to get my attention. Well, you have my full undivided attention now!

Not only is this story totally absurd, but as extra bonus points, it happened right here in my home State of Florida. You seriously can’t make this stuff up. Sit back with an ice-cold beer, or other adult beverage of your choice, and grab some snacks and enjoy.

Karma really is a bitch. But, she’s a bitch with an amazing sense of humour, and a solid sense of justice. That’s why I love her so much.

On Wednesday, March 8, 2017, A Lawyer, Stephen Gutierrez, a Miami defence attorney was representing a client in a Miami, Florida on a charge of arson.

Stephen Gutierrez

Attorney Gutierrez was representing his client, Mr. Claudy Charles, who was accused of intentionally setting his car on fire. Attorney Gutierrez just started his closing argument that Claudy Charles’ car was actually a case of “spontaneous combustion” Seriously, that was his defence for his client.

For those of you who are not familiar with the term, “Spontaneous Combustion” is defined as: the ignition of a substance or body from the rapid oxidation of its own constituents without heat from any external source.

To distill it down to its most basic essence, Attorney Gutierrez was actually arguing that his client’s vehicle was not intentionally set on fire, as the prosecution had claimed, but that Claudy Charles vehicle had actually just spontaneous combusted, on its own accord, for no apparent reason, or mechanical failure.

It was literally at this very moment when Attorney Gutierrez was delivering his absurd defence in his closing arguments to the jury when his right front pocket of his pants started smoking, and suddenly burst into flames. Talk about a pants-on-fire, lying attorney.

I certainly hope that Claudy Charles did not pay very much or anything, for this absurd defence, as he certainly didn’t get very much for his money.

I mean seriously, Attorney Gutierrez did not even attempt to argue that the Prosecution did not prove reasonable doubt, or present any technical evidence of a mechanical malfunction, OH NO! went straight to spontaneous combustion. Is this the guy you want representing you in a serious criminal case?

According to Attorney Gutierrez, the fire was caused because he had not one, but three, spare batteries for his e-cigarette in his front pocket. Wow! he must be a really, really, heavy smoker.

This is total bullshit!

Let me tell what really happened here. This was a typical case of Karma directly intervening just because Stephen Gutierrez deserved it. After all, what goe’s around, comes around. Or has the early Christians believed, “You shall Reap what You shall sow”

Here’s how I see what really happened.

I can imagine how Karma and several of the other Gods were watching the entire proceedings, as well as Stephen Gutierrez’s absurd defence of his client. As the Gods were watching in stunned disbelief, Karma formulated a plan. Knowing that this would only end badly, Karma decided to take direct action.

As Attorney Gutierrez was delivering his closing absurd defence, Karma decided that if Stephen Gutierrez wanted to play with fire, she would make sure that he would get burned.

And thus in the blink of an eye, while delivering an absurd defence and closing argument to the jury citing spontaneous combustion as a legal defence for arson, Attorney Gutierrez’s pants spontaneously combusted.

Unfortunately, Claudy Charles was convicted anyway by the jury of second-degree arson. I’m not an Attorney, nut this seems like a good case for appeal.

Somehow, I believe that Karma isn’t finished with Attorney Gutierrez just yet.

After all, What Goe’s Around, Comes Around! Karma is always watching and waiting. Karma can be a bitch, but I love her.

 

As Always,

I Am…..

Tom Dye, The Safety Guy

 

This article is original satire, and news commentary, by: Tom Dye, The Safety Guy.. This article is loosely based on actual events. The names have not been changed, to protect the dumbass involved. This article contains loose references, (OK, very loose facts) that may, or may not, coincide with actual events.

 

Florida Man Tells Police His Dog Shot His Girlfriend

Florida Man Tells Police His Dog Shot His Girlfriend

Note to my readers: I was having a bout of writer’s block for a few days when suddenly this headline popped up and snapped me right out of it. I’m back now!

The story you are about to read is true, the names have not been changed to protect the dumbasses involved, This is their story.

Jacksonville, Florida. – Police received a 911 call from 25-year-old, Brian Murphy around 11:05 p.m.  Murphy reported that his dog had just shot his girlfriend.

I am going to just let that sink in for just a moment. It’s O.K. I can wait. (I am going to imagine the theme music on the game show Jeopardy when the contestants are writing down their answers down during the final jeopardy round).

O.K. times up. At 11:05 P.M. Jacksonville, Police responded to a home where a shooting had just occurred. Brian Murphy answered the door and reported that his girlfriend, one Summer Miracle (Yes, that is her real name) had just been accidentally shot in the leg by their dog, Diesel while she was asleep in bed.

Seriously, so far, The Jacksonville Police are actually believing this story. Really, you can’t make this stuff up.

Let’s look at the fact’s as we know them so far, and then you can be the judge.

Upon arriving at the scene of the crime, Brian Murphy told the responding officers that he and his girlfriend, Summer Miracle, were sleeping, when Diesel, the dog woke him up wanting to go outside.

When Diesel and Murphy went back into the house, the dog led the way into the bedroom, he said, according to First Coast News and multiple other news sources.

Brian Murphy reported that he then saw a flash and heard a bang. He told police he thinks Diesel the dog,  jumped up on a nightstand, somehow, causing a gun on it to fire. The bullet from Murphy’s gun hit Summer Miracle in the leg. Murphy told police he covered Miracle’s wound with a towel before calling 911.

Seriously??? This is the only story he can come up with, a modified version of the tried and true, totally unbelievable, the dog ate my homework excuse?

Also, what dumbass keeps a loaded gun on the nightstand with the barrel facing towards them?

Let’s look at the facts as I see them, of course, since this is my story, these truths, are the only ones that count.

First of all, I have previously written about how various wild animals are beginning to turn on us, especially squirrels, crabs, etc. but not dogs. No, never man’s best friend, the faithful and beloved dog. Man’s best friend would have to have a really good reason to turn upon him or a loved one.

I have a dog, his name is Homer. He has never, ever, tried to kill me, not with a gun or any other type of weapon of mass destruction. Sure, he periodically gets mad at me and pees or craps in the house, he steals food, or shreds paper towels, to try and annoy me sure, but to actually try and kill me, I think not at least not yet.

So, here’s a 25-year-old guy who for whatever reason goe’s to bed stupidly early and suddenly gets woken up from a dead sleep, because his dog, Diesel needs to go outside.  This very fact alone should raise red flags.

Seriously, what 25-year-old guy goes to bed before 11:00 P.M. anyway. Hell, when I was 25, I specialised in 4-5 hours of sleep, per night, in between working full time, and partying late into the evenings. Not that I could do that now, Oh No!, but it was fun while it lasted.

So, Brian (and I will refer to him by his first name since he isn’t here to defend himself) wakes up because Diesel the dog want’s to go outside.  (Now, mind you by the photos I saw on-line, Diesel the dog >looks like a purebred Rottweiler which is a really large breed of dog).  

Brian get’s up out of bed and takes Diesel the dog outside, so Diesel can do his business. Upon completion of his dog duties, Diesel the dog comes ru back inside and “precedes” Brian into the bedroom.  According to Brian, he then saw a flash and heard a bang before he could even get to the bedroom himself.

According to Brian, he thinks that diesel the dog jumped onto the nightstand where his gun was sitting and accidently fired the gun, striking his girlfriend, Summer Miracle, in the right leg.

But was it an accident? could Diesel the dog have actually decided to commit premeditated murder?  Let’s explore that possibility.

Diesel the dog’s plan was brilliant in its sheer simplicity, Diesel the dog, woke up Brian on the false pretence that he needed to go outside to do what dogs do, then quickly do his business and rush back into the bedroom, jump up on the night table and fire the loaded handgun that Brian had so carelessly left there. The plan was perfect, except for the fact that Summer Miracle did not die, she was only wounded.So, evidently, Diesel the dog being unhappy that Summer Miracle was taking up the space that Diesel the dog felt was rightfully his, decided there was only one course of action.  Diesel determined that the only rational course of action was to kill Summer Miracle, so he could rightfully reclaim his rightful place on the bed. Sounds perfectly reasonable right?

This sounds like a perfectly logical line of reasoning right? Are you kidding me? I don’t fucking think so.

What are the chances that an 80-100 pound dog would contemplate premeditated murder and somehow manage to stick his over-sized paws into the trigger guard, aim the weapon, and fire the gun, in an attempt to kill Summer Miracle? Any statisticians out there help me out, will you? the odds have to be astronomical right? Or are they?

Summer Miracle, claims that she was sound asleep, and has now idea how she was shot. Besides, Diesel the dog has never, ever, exhibited any sort of homicidal tendencies prior to that fateful night.

So, the facts as we know them are, Brian left a loaded handgun on the night table barrel facing towards the bed…. Check!

Brian, a healthy 25-year-old male, and his girlfriend, Summer Miracle were both sound asleep some time considerably prior to 11:05 P.M. ….Check!

The news reports made no mention if the Police inquired if drugs or alcohol was consumed by either Brian, Summer, or Diesel, the dog prior to the shooting incident…Check!

So let’s recap the three possibilities presented to us for how this crime was committed.

  1. Brian feeling trapped in a bad relationship felt compelled to kill Summer Miracle. Brian got Diesel the dog out of the house to avoid any eyewitnesses, made his way back the bedroom in the dark and shot Summer in an attempt to make it look like Diesel the dog did it. The only reason Summer Miracle is alive today is either she moved in her sleep while Brian was letting Diesel the dog out, it was dark, and quite possibly Brian is a really piss poor shot. It could also be a combination of the above.
  2. The other possible scenario is that Diesel the dog is a killer and actually tried to murder Summer Miracle. After all, dogs are very smart and very sneaky. It’s possible that Diesel the dog was harbouring a deep-seated resentment of Summer Miracle because Summer had displaced Diesel’s usual spot on the bed. Diesel having been relegated to the cold hard floor at night hatched a plan to get rid of Summer Miracle once and for all. After having studied the gun and how to fire it, Diesel hatched his plan to pretend to have to go outside, race into the bedroom ahead of brian, shoot Summer Miracle. Obviously, everyone would think it was just a tragic accident and nobody would be the wiser. However, the plan failed.
  3. Or, Brians story that this was strictly a freak accident, and Diesel the dog did, in fact, jump up on the nightstand and accidently shoot Summer Miracle

All three scenarios are possible, so I leave it up to you to decide for yourselves.

If you wish to weigh in on any of the scenarios or propose your own

Let me know, and I will add it so we can all debate it together.

In the meantime, I would suggest that if you have a dog, you may want to keep all loaded firearms or other potential weapons locked up just in case. You can never be too safe.

As Always,

I Am…..

Tom Dye, The Safety Guy

This article is satire and news commentary loosely, O.K. very loosely based on actual events.

 

Florida Man Claims His Pants Took Off Running By Themselves

Florida Man Claims His Pants Took Off Running By Themselves!

Meet 52-year old, Charles William Raulerson of Pensacola, Florida.

Charles William Raulerson

Escambia County Sheriff’s Office in Pensacola, Florida received a call last Sunday regarding a naked man at the carwash. Upon arriving at the scene Deputies saw a pantsless man standing by his car with music blaring from his vehicle. Nothing unusual here, after all, this is Florida, so at first glance, this was just another day for law enforcement.

Deputies asked Mr. Raulerson to put on his pants. You would think that this was a perfectly reasonable request and in most cases, it would have been. This was not one of those times.

You see, this was one of those strange but true cases that fall well into the category of the unexplained.

Mr. Raulerson explained that he could not comply with their perfectly reasonable request, because as he explained, “They took off running by themselves without me.”

Of, course the Sheriff’s Deputies did not believe him, and that was to be expected. You see my friends, Law Enforcement is not privy to the more esoteric knowledge that I as Tom Dye, The Safety Guy possess including; Possessed Pants Syndrome (PPS). If the Sheriff’s Deputies would have done a little more digging into the situation they would have uncovered the eyewitness to this bizarre encounter. I did some extensive digging and actually found the eyewitness to Charles Raulerson’s bizarre encounter on that fateful day.

If the Sheriff’s Deputies would have done a little more digging into the situation they would have uncovered the eyewitness to this bizarre encounter. I did some extensive digging and actually found the eyewitness to Charles Raulerson’s bizarre encounter on that fateful day.

For the first time, the actual first-hand account of what actually happened is being reported by Profound Revelations.

The eyewitness who is still traumatized by the entire incident is speaking out exclusively to me, Tom Dye, The Safety Guy. What follows is the actual first-hand account of what he personally witnessed. To protect his privacy, I will refer to him only as; Mr. Smith. His real name is being withheld to protect his privacy and his sanity.

According to Mr. Smith, it was about 5:40 AM, last Sunday, when he arrived at the carwash to wash his car when he saw a strange and unexpected event that literally challenged his entire view of reality.

Mr. Smith arrived at the carwash early to get his car washed and complete his other errands complete before the big game last Sunday.

Per Mr. Smith’s first-hand account, it was still dark, but the parking lot was well lit. Mr. Smith relates how he saw Mr. Raulerson exit his vehicle in the parking lot and suddenly started acting strange. He further stated that it wasn’t Mr. Raulerson per say way not acting strange, it was as if he suddenly became a martinet on a string.

Suddenly Mr. Raulerson was seen what could only be described as a combination of jumping and goose-stepping around his vehicle. He seemed that he was not in control of the lower half of his own body. Mr. Raulseron was observed swatting at his pants and screaming in terror.

He jumped and goose-stepped around his car two or three times and suddenly seemed to be flung to the ground. His shoes were suddenly flung off, one in one direction, and the other in another. His pants, described as denim jeans by Mr. Smith, unbuttoned themselves, unzipped on their own accord, and quickly slithered all the way down the legs of the terrified Mr. Raulsrson.

According to Mr. Smith, the pants suddenly stood tall and took off running. The humanless pants bolted for the carwash and ran back and forth through the carwash right past him, three or four times before suddenly running full speed through the car wash one last time, and bolted full speed down the street before turning onto a side street and disappearing around the corner. The entire bizarre encounter lasted less than two minutes.

Obviously, this is not normal behavior for your average pants. Mr. Smith stated that he was so stunned that he actually stood there frozen in disbelief,  and doing so, wasted $2.50 in quarters because he just stood there letting his time run out, mouth open, trying to reconcile what he had just witnessed first hand with the reality that he has always known.

About then, the Sheriff’s Deputies arrived and asked Mr. Raulerson to put on his pants. Mr Raulserson then explained in detail how his pants suddenly took off running without him.

The Sheriff Deputies blissfully ignorant of Possessed Pants Syndrome (PPS) were not buying his story on how his pants somehow defied the laws of physics and ran away all by themselves, asked him to then sit in his car. Frustrated that the Deputies were so ignorant and unsympathetic to his predicament Mr. Raulerson then threatened the Sheriff’s Deputies with a screwdriver.

Mr. Raulerson was tasered and immediately arrested. His pants were never found.

Charles Raulerson is not the first unlucky sap to be caught without pants. Possessed Pants Syndrome (PPS) strikes randomly and without warning. Nobody knows why, or even where the pants go after they run off, as they are never apprehended while on the run.

Some theories suggest that somehow possessed pants end up at thrift stores. Whether they ran there by themselves or were dropped off by some unsuspecting person isn’t clear. The only thing that is certain is that they lay in wait for another unsuspecting person to buy them, and run off once again. There is some evidence to suggest that the hot spot for Possessed Pants Syndrome is in Florida, although this is still unconfirmed.

If any of my readers have ever experienced Possessed Pants Syndrome or have any further insights on how, or why this happens, please leave a comment and your contact information so we can try to get to the bottom of this once and for all.

 

As Always,

I Am….

Tom Dye, The Safety Guy.

 

This article is satire and news commentary based on actual events. The original source material can be found here

If you like what you read on profoundrevelations.com, please consider becoming a subscriber (Hey it’s free). Tell all your friends on FaceBook, Twitter, Instagram, or even shout it from the rooftops. I really appreciate it.

 

Page 1 of 4

Powered by WordPress & Theme by Anders Norén

%d bloggers like this: