Tales oF the Absurd, Original Satire, Politics & News Commentary

Month: December 2016 (Page 1 of 4)

An Open Letter to 2016, You Suck!

An Open Letter to 2016, You Suck!

Well 2016, we had such hopes and dreams on December 31, 2015, that you were going to be a great year, the year that changes everything for the better. We celebrated you as we always do, and what did you do? You turned out to be a dark malignant evil cancer on mankind. What did we ever do to deserve this sort of treatment anyway?

For no particular reason, that us mortal humans can fathom you took some of our biggest celebrities from us for no reason except that we humans loved them so much.

DAMN YOU 2016, I am glad that you are ending soon. The list of people you took from us is long and totally uncalled for;

David Bowie – Seriously, 2016? WTF is wrong with you? What did The Starman ever do to you anyway? We loved David Bowie. He was our inspiration to keep on living, and you maliciously took him from us. Young, old, we all loved David Bowie. The Starman was supposed to be immortal, and you took him from us just for spite. For this I say, Fuck You 2016!

We loved David Bowie so much that over 1000 musicians simultaneously performed one of his songs live! Now, this is a Rockin tribute!

Prince – Seriously 2016? Prince too. One of the great guitarists ever and he had a lot more to give us. For Gods sake, he was only in his 50’s in the prime of his life.

Muhammad Ali – Even though he was old, and suffered from Parkinsons disease, This was still no excuse. I sincerely hope that he finds you, and knocks you into oblivion. I will laugh and applaud your suffering.

Leonard Cohen – 2016 you really went too far with this amazing human being. Did you know that Leonard Cohen took two years to write hallelujah? That’s right and he still felt that it wasn’t perfect. He was one of the most important songwriters and unique vocalists that the world had ever seen. 2016, may you burn in hell for taking this one.

Leonard Cohen was so inspiring that a 10-year-old, severely autistic girl, Kaylee Rodgers, broke through her barriers and sang “hallelujah” with the voice of an angel. Don’t even think about harming her 2016, or I will personally hunt you down, and kill you slowly. If you think I’m kidding just try it.

Author Harper Lee – The author of “To Kill a Mockingbird” Just when she released her original prequel to her classic, you killed her too. Thank God, your days are numbered.

George Michael  – Haven’t you harmed us enough already? He was only in his 50’s as well. He was never one of my personal favorites, but a lot of others really liked him. Fuck you 2016. You deserve to die a slow and agonizing death.

Carrie Fisher – Every Star Wars fan that ever lived will come after you for this one. Even though I am not a fan of Star Wars, If I see you hiding somewhere, I will certainly point you out to them and watch with satisfaction as they tear you limb from limb. This is for David Bowie, you bastard.

There were many others as well. But this wasn’t the only horrors you brought upon us 2016, Oh No! You were not satisfied with these people at all.  You had to bring death and destruction on a large-scale as well;

  • The Orlando nightclub attack which killed 49.
  • Suicide bombs in Istanbul which killed 45.
  • The Bastille Day truck massacre in Nice, France, which slaughtered 77.
  • The Brussels airport and metro attacks which claimed 35 lives.
  • And most recently the Christmas market attack in Berlin.

And don’t even get me started on how you orchestrated an Authoritarian, bigoted, xenophobic, misogynistic, racist as the new President of the United States.

Not to mention, Brexit, the rise of far-right political parties, Russian hacking of the elections, mass migration of millions of political and war refugees, genocide, Syria, Yemen, South Sudan, Iraq, Turkey, bigotry, North Carolina, and countless other atrocities.

According to Astrologers, you were supposed to be the “Year of Compassion”. What happened to you 2016? Instead, of compassion, you turned out to be the year of death and destruction.

In conclusion 2016, we will not mourn your passing, we will celebrate your death as we would any other two-bit Dictator. You are as dead to me as any other despot that ever lived. 2016 goodbye, and good riddance to you.

May 2017, redeem your sorry ass of a year and hopefully lead us into the light of goodness that you so wholeheartedly let us astray.

As a year, 2016, You Sucked! You should be ashamed of yourself. Goodbye, and I hope you die a slow and painful death.


As Always,

I Am,

Tom Dye, The Safety Guy.


This opinion piece is an original work by Tom Dye, The Safety Guy.

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S-no-way! Plow Driver FIRED After Intentionally Burying Cars In Snow

S-no-way! Plow Driver FIRED After Intentionally Burying Cars In Snow.

It’s about f–king time that these flakes get fired for intentionally burying cars in the snow. I used to live in the Northeast; in Connecticut, and Massachusetts. There is nothing more annoying than this.

As a matter of fact, this is one of the reasons I moved to Florida. I can say unequivocally, I am never going to snow again as long as I live. As a matter of fact I don’t even like watching snow on TV, at least now I can change the channel.

It’s kind of interesting how people who live in climates where it doesn’t snow, like Florida, seem to have this romantic notion about snow. There is absolutely nothing whatsoever romantic about snow, black ice, below freezing temperatures for months on end, not to mention taking a chance on freezing to death just taking the garbage out.

Let me tell you how it really is, especially in Massachusetts. It usually starts snowing somewhere around Christmas, or maybe shortly thereafter. It usually starts to get cold around Halloween. The first snowfall of the year is kind of cool. Everything turns white and is kind of magical. If that was all the snow for the year and it would immediately warm up right after, I would have been perfectly happy. But, the problem is that is just the beginning of several months of frozen hell.

The first month is OK, I can deal with it. However, by February, or March, I was ready to kill someone, I would be angry and depressed all the time. If this was some sort of joke played by God upon the poor unsuspecting saps in the Northeast, I can tell you first hand, that by March it is certainly not f–king funny.

I was actually born in Southern California. I first moved to Connecticut when I was nineteen in 1978. I moved there in August or September. This was the very same year that there was a huge snowstorm and they actually closed down all the roads in the entire state for three days. That’s right, they actually shut down the entire State of Connecticut for three entire days. This was my first inkling that this move may not have been the best idea. Of course, it took me another 28 years or so, to figure it all out.

Then there is what is known as black ice. It has nothing to do with the color, except black ice is a very thin layer of ice on the roads, walkways, etc. This is a ridiculous phenomena. It is almost cartoon-like, you walk outside, and Wham! the next thing you know you are on your back, hoping that you didn’t break anything.

The roads are even worse. Imagine this, you are driving along slowly when all of a sudden your car starts sliding and turning in circles. Your brakes and steering don’t do a damn thing. You can turn the steering wheel in complete circles in both directions and it has absolutely no effect on changing the direction where the car is heading. Brakes, forget about it, they are totally useless. But, it’s not just you and your car, it’s 30 or 40 other cars around you as well. Trust me this will age you a couple of years, in just a few minutes. It’s kind of like a slow-motion demolition derby, and there is nothing you can do about it.

Here’s a good one, you know the kind of garbage cans that have the wheels on them, so you can easily roll them out to the curb? I always used those because they are so easy to move them around. Anyway, I used to go through about 3 or 4 of these type garbage cans over the course of the winter months. The problem with these was, during the day, the weather would warm up to temperatures above freezing. During the night the temperatures would drop down to well below freezing again.

The problem with wheelie garbage cans was that when I needed to take the garbage cans out to the curb, the wheels would be frozen to the ground. So, what would happen was when you grabbed the garbage can, the wheels would snap right off. These garbage cans will not stand up by themselves without the wheels. This is just another annoying example of winter in the Northeast.

One year, I can’t remember exactly what year it was, as I am still trying to block this winter nightmare out of my memory, it was that f–king bad. It was an unusually cold winter coupled with a larger amount of snow than normal. It accumulated like one hundred inches of snow over the winter and basically never melted away during the course of winter.

I had a pretty nice 22″ snow blower that I used all the time. It got to the point where I couldn’t use it anymore because the snow was so high that it wouldn’t throw it that high anymore. I then had to resort to using a snow shovel, that’s right a “snow shovel”. Technology had failed me.

This was the exact moment that I knew I was going to move to a warmer climate. Don’t even get me started on getting up an hour or more earlier than normal, just so I could have the privilege of shoveling my driveway and somehow figure out how to get into my car that was encased in 1/4 inch of solid ice.

So, let’s get back to the annoying snowplow driver, flake. So after getting up stupidly early, shoveling my car and driveway and somehow de-icing my car that was solidly encased in ice. I finally would be ready to go to work About this time, without fail, the f–king a–hole of a snowplow driver would come along and bury the end of my driveway in a barrier of about two feet of packed snow.

I was ready to kill one of these idiots more than once. Trust me if I wasn’t so tired from shoveling and de-icing for over an hour I would have. To make matters worse, sometimes they would have some stupid s–t eating grin, or even give me this jaunty wave. They had no idea that they were close to death many, many times.

So evidently, this guy, was the worst of the worst. You are not going to believe this, but he actually had a YouTube channel and he recorded himself taunting these poor souls whose cars he had just buried intentionally. on one of the videos he can be heard saying; “Ha haaaaa! You want to find your car? You come see me, I’ll let you know where it is. Maybe. Ha ha ha ha ha!”

So, Mr. Sleazeball s–t-head snowplow driver, how does it feel to be the one left out in the cold? Maybe you lost your way and forgot that your main job was to remove snow, so people could drive on the road, and not to intentionally bury people’s cars, so their lives are made even more miserable in the sub-zero winter hell than it already is.

I suppose this former sleazeball snowball driver can now graduate into one of the other despicable trades like a repo man, or parking enforcement officer.  If you have any snow horror stories, feel free to tell us all about them.


As always,

I am…Tom Dye, The Safety Guy

This is an original work of satire by Tom Dye, The Safety Guy. This article is based on actual reported events. OK, very loosely based on actual events, or maybe hardly at all. 

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Giant Snails Invading Miami!

Giant Snails Invading Miami!

I tried to warn you everyone, but nobody would listen. First, it was killer bees, Killer Squirrels, then other animals attacking humans, this is just another weapon in mother nature’s arsenal.

After years of neglecting the planet, nature is making us pay for our transgressions. Essentially, as the line goes, “The chickens have come home to roost” or in this case snails.

Miami, Florida is being invaded by hoards of giant African snails. Don’t laugh, this is serious business my friends and literally, no one is safe, as these nightmares make their slow inexorable trek northward. These slimy monsters grow to over 8″ long. Just let that sink in for a moment.

Giant snails

Giant Snail

Take a good close look at this photo, this my friends, is the enemy. You can see the sheer size of this monster. This is what happens when you pollute the air, land, and water, then couple that with climate change. We get giant snails invading and eating everything in their path.

So far there have been over 157,000 of these monsters captured since 2011 and 1,000 more are caught each week. This is only the tip of the iceberg, as these monsters lay about 1,200 eggs a year. They are just starting to emerge from their underground lairs.

In some areas that are already are overrun with these monsters, the snails’ shells blow out tires on the highway and turn into hurling projectiles from lawnmower blades, while their slime and excrement coat walls and pavement. These nightmarish creatures have a fondness for eating stucco and concrete. That’s right, they eat walls and sidewalks. What do you think is one of the most popular building materials in the Miami-Dade area of  Florida? That’s right, stucco and concrete.

The eat stucco and concrete, because they need the calcium content for their shells, so they can grow even larger. You know else what has a large calcium content? Human bones, that’s what. It is only a matter of time before these nightmarish creatures realize this. Then mark my words, this is going to get worse, a lot f–king worse.

Oh but, it gets even better, it turns out that these snails also carry a parasitic worm that can burrow into humans and cause meningitis in humans. WTF… Not only do these monsters eat buildings and will soon prey on humans for their calcium, they also carry an exotic parasite that causes meningitis.

These giant snails also eat over 500 different plant species. Of course, they will not eat either potato vines or Spanish moss. These two invasive plants are the bane of Florida living. Go figure, not only do we have giant snails, but the only thing they will not eat are the two plants that are literally taking over Florida. I guess we deserve everything we get. Hell, not even the giant Burmese pythons or Florida alligators that live in the Everglades eat these monsters.

The only bright side to this invasion is they are just as slow as a regular snail. Anything can out run these things without even trying. Even the slow-moving elderly are safe. As long as you don’t slip on the slime-trail they leave behind, you’re good. For now, that is.

So, how do we fight back against this slow motion nightmare? Well, I suppose we could all eat escargot. Personally, I am not a big fan of escargot. I don’t know about you, but there is something about eating snails, that I just can’t stomach.



There’s only one way we can halt this slimy invasion. We need to develop emergency escargot recipes that appeal to the masses. Right now, I am calling on Bobby Flay, Emeril, Paula Deen and all the other famous chef’s in New Orleans and everyone else regularly featured on the Food Network, to immediately start developing escargot recipes that we can all enjoy. We need barbecued escargot, Cajun escargot, southern fried escargot, baked escargot and what ever else you can think of. We need these recipes and we need them fast. This is a national emergency and time is of the essence. SO, PLEASE GUYS, GET RIGHT ON THIS RIGHT AWAY!

There’s only one way we can beat this menace, we have to eat them to extinction. As the human race we have done it before in past history, and we can do it again. That’s right, just imagine, barbecued, fried, Cajun style, Southern style, grilled, baked, or fried if that suits you. These slow motion nightmare creatures will now become the hunted. Remember, just follow the slime trail or leave out some concrete as bait.

Bon appetite!

I think I need to get a bigger frying pan,

As always,

I am…

Tom Dye, The Safety Guy


This article is an original work of satire by Tom Dye, The Safety Guy and is loosely based on actual news events.

Become a follower today and receive email notifications of new content as soon as it’s posted.
If you enjoy this article, Please tell your friends, family, and co-workers. Post a link on FaceBook, Twitter, Google+, share it by email, or shout it from the roof to unsuspecting passersby. Your support is genuinely appreciated.


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