Canadian Mint Employee Steals 22 Hunks Of Gold By Hiding Them In His Butt!
This is certainly not an original crime by any means. Stupid criminals have been hiding stolen loot in their butts since the beginning of time. Butt, this guy takes the cake for the sheer audacity he exhibited for his ass crime.
Let me introduce our ass clenching butt bandit, Mr. Leston Lawrence;
Leston Lawrence
Leston Lawrence worked for the Canadian mint in the refinery section for 7 years before being fired for his ass crimes in 2015.
The butt bandit set off a metal detector inside the fortress-like high-security Canadian Mint building 28 times in a span of 41 days, although gold was never found on his person. Now, you would think that Canadian Mint security employees would become suspicious of a person setting off metal detectors 28 times in a little over a month, but evidently not.
Not that I blame the Canadian Mint security team, After all, who wants to intimately examine someone’s butt to find evidence of a potential crappy crime. not to mention the fact that each gold puck used at the Canadian Mint is approximately the size of a golf ball, (The standard sized golf ball is specified to be 1.68″ in diameter). Let that thought sink in for a moment. Canadian Mint security must have thought the exact same thing.
Believe it or not, it was not the intrepid security team at the Canadian Mint who ultimately busted the rectum ranger. Nope, it was an alert bank employee at a Royal Canadian Bank that ultimately sniffed out the butt bandit’s aspirations to become the asshole that got away with his rectum rampage.
The alert bank employee noticed that Mr. Lawrence was cashing a lot of checks from The Ottawa Gold Buyers in the Westgate Shopping Centre, for about $8,000 each. He would then deposit the cheques at the Royal Bank in the same mall.
This stupid ass didn’t even bother to even go to different branches of the bank to try to hide his ass crimes.
Let’s recap our story so far:
- Steals a several chunks of gold approximately 1.68″ in diameter, by sticking it up his ass. Check!
- Pass through metal detectors while keeping sphincter tightly clenched. Check!
- Remove said golf ball sized piece of gold from his ass. (I assume he washed it off at this point) Check!
- Sell gold to Ottawa Gold buyers for $8,000.00, get paid by check. Check!
- Walk around the corner to his local bank branch, that was conveniently located in the same shopping center, and deposit checks from the Ottawa gold buyers. Check!
- Repeat 20+ times.
The hyper-vigilant bank teller remembered making an especially large deposit for Mr. Lawrence in February 2015. noticed on his account information was a Canadian Mint employee. and because he was essentially a blue-collar worker decided to alert bank security who smelled foul play, relayed their suspicions to the Royal Canadian Mounted Police (RCMP).
An investigation was opened and the butt bandit was put under surveillance and four stolen pucks were eventually recovered in his safety deposit box.
The investigation also lead to the discovery of Vaseline and latex gloves being found in Mr. Lawrance’s locker at the Canadian Mint.
As with things always do with stupid criminals, the butt bandit’s smelly crime spree came to an end.
Lesten Lawrence, also known as “Goldsphincter” by the media, the butt bandit or the rectum tanger, eventually went to trial and even more facts were uncovered. The Judge overseeing the trial, The Honorable Peter Doody (Yes, that was the Judge’s actual name) determined that a 30-month prison sentence term was appropriate to deter others from attempting similar crimes.
It was revealed in court that the butt bandit was arranging to have a home built in Jamaica and had sent about $33,000 to a contractor in the Caribbean. He had also invested about $34,000 in a commercial fishing boat in Florida. Another $9,500 was wired out of the country to himself and a Marvin Lawrence, while $42,000 was withdrawn as cash.
The funny things is it was revealed that The Mint, in fact, never knew the gold was missing, and its internal security system was called “appalling” in open court.
The Judge, Peter Doody also ordered the rectum ranger to repay $190,000.00 in restitution or face additional jail time.
It is unclear how the but bandit will be able to pay $190,000.00 in restitution while behind bars.
Al Always,
I Am…
Tom Dye, The Safety Guy
This article is satire and a news commentary based on actual events by Tom Dye, The Safety Guy.
If you enjoy the origiunal stories on profoundrelelations.com, please consider becoming a subscriber (It’s free, no charge, complimentary, at no cost to you whatsoever). Please share your favourite stories with your friends on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, by email or shout it from the rooftops. Your support is greatly appreciated.
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Canadian Mint Employee Steals 22 Hunks Of Gold By Hiding Them In His Butt
By Tom Dye
On February 4, 2017
In News Commentary, Satire, Stupid Criminals, Tales of the Absurd
Canadian Mint Employee Steals 22 Hunks Of Gold By Hiding Them In His Butt!
This is certainly not an original crime by any means. Stupid criminals have been hiding stolen loot in their butts since the beginning of time. Butt, this guy takes the cake for the sheer audacity he exhibited for his ass crime.
Let me introduce our ass clenching butt bandit, Mr. Leston Lawrence;
Leston Lawrence
Leston Lawrence worked for the Canadian mint in the refinery section for 7 years before being fired for his ass crimes in 2015.
The butt bandit set off a metal detector inside the fortress-like high-security Canadian Mint building 28 times in a span of 41 days, although gold was never found on his person. Now, you would think that Canadian Mint security employees would become suspicious of a person setting off metal detectors 28 times in a little over a month, but evidently not.
Not that I blame the Canadian Mint security team, After all, who wants to intimately examine someone’s butt to find evidence of a potential crappy crime. not to mention the fact that each gold puck used at the Canadian Mint is approximately the size of a golf ball, (The standard sized golf ball is specified to be 1.68″ in diameter). Let that thought sink in for a moment. Canadian Mint security must have thought the exact same thing.
Believe it or not, it was not the intrepid security team at the Canadian Mint who ultimately busted the rectum ranger. Nope, it was an alert bank employee at a Royal Canadian Bank that ultimately sniffed out the butt bandit’s aspirations to become the asshole that got away with his rectum rampage.
The alert bank employee noticed that Mr. Lawrence was cashing a lot of checks from The Ottawa Gold Buyers in the Westgate Shopping Centre, for about $8,000 each. He would then deposit the cheques at the Royal Bank in the same mall.
This stupid ass didn’t even bother to even go to different branches of the bank to try to hide his ass crimes.
Let’s recap our story so far:
The hyper-vigilant bank teller remembered making an especially large deposit for Mr. Lawrence in February 2015. noticed on his account information was a Canadian Mint employee. and because he was essentially a blue-collar worker decided to alert bank security who smelled foul play, relayed their suspicions to the Royal Canadian Mounted Police (RCMP).
An investigation was opened and the butt bandit was put under surveillance and four stolen pucks were eventually recovered in his safety deposit box.
The investigation also lead to the discovery of Vaseline and latex gloves being found in Mr. Lawrance’s locker at the Canadian Mint.
As with things always do with stupid criminals, the butt bandit’s smelly crime spree came to an end.
Lesten Lawrence, also known as “Goldsphincter” by the media, the butt bandit or the rectum tanger, eventually went to trial and even more facts were uncovered. The Judge overseeing the trial, The Honorable Peter Doody (Yes, that was the Judge’s actual name) determined that a 30-month prison sentence term was appropriate to deter others from attempting similar crimes.
It was revealed in court that the butt bandit was arranging to have a home built in Jamaica and had sent about $33,000 to a contractor in the Caribbean. He had also invested about $34,000 in a commercial fishing boat in Florida. Another $9,500 was wired out of the country to himself and a Marvin Lawrence, while $42,000 was withdrawn as cash.
The funny things is it was revealed that The Mint, in fact, never knew the gold was missing, and its internal security system was called “appalling” in open court.
The Judge, Peter Doody also ordered the rectum ranger to repay $190,000.00 in restitution or face additional jail time.
It is unclear how the but bandit will be able to pay $190,000.00 in restitution while behind bars.
Al Always,
I Am…
Tom Dye, The Safety Guy
This article is satire and a news commentary based on actual events by Tom Dye, The Safety Guy.
If you enjoy the origiunal stories on profoundrelelations.com, please consider becoming a subscriber (It’s free, no charge, complimentary, at no cost to you whatsoever). Please share your favourite stories with your friends on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, by email or shout it from the rooftops. Your support is greatly appreciated.
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