NY State Bank VP Joseph Talbot Nominated For Idiot Of The Year!
Once in a great while, there comes a news story that absolutely demands my attention, this story is one of them. Joseph Talbot might as well as called me personally on the phone and begged me to write about this. I can imagine a phone call that went something like this:
Ring, Ring, Ring, Ring.
Me: Hello?
Joseph Talbot: Is this Tom Dye, The Safety Guy?
Me: Yes, it is what can I do for you?
Joseph Talbot: My name is Joseph Talbot. Are you the content creator for profoundrevelations.com?
Me: Yes I am.
Joseph Talbot: I am the VP of a bank in upper New York State.
Me: I’m sorry to interrupt, but whatever your selling, I am really not interested.
Joseph Talbot: No I can assure you I am not selling anything.You see, I am an idiot, and I deserve whatever wrath you may want to pile on me because of my stupid actions. It’s kind of a long story, are you interested in hearing about it?
Me: Now, you have my full attention. Please, go on?
Joseph Talbot: Well it all started when……
You get the idea so I’m going to get right to it.
You see Joseph Talbot a VP for a bank in Wayne County in Upper New Your State.
Wayne County, NY
Joseph Talbot is not just any idiot, he is an idiot extraordinaire. This fact is what brought him to my attention in the first place.
Joseph Talbot’s absurd story began at 10:07 PM, on December 29, 2016. According to The New York State Police press release dated December 31, 2016;
“On December 29, 2016 at 10:07 pm, Troopers arrested Joseph Talbot, 43 of Newark, NY for driving while intoxicated following a vehicle and traffic complaint of an erratic operator all over the road and for failing to keep right and moving from lane unsafely. Talbot was stopped on SR-31 in the Town of Palmyra for failure to keep right and moving from lane unsafely. Talbot was placed under arrest after failing multiple SFSTs and transported to SP Lyons for processing”
Nothing special about this at all. This exact same sort of scenario happens dozens and dozens of times every day all across the country. In most cases, if you were a politician or a business executive you would issue some sort of bullshit statement of contrition and certainly, the required expressing of remorse, belief in God and family and apologize for your careless actions. And furthermore, this was an isolated incident, and it would never, ever, happen again. Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah.
But, if this is where the story ended, Mr. Joseph Talbot would not have been nominated for the idiot of the year. OH NO, my friends it get’s much, much, more absurd. This is where this story actually begins.
As was further noted in The New York State Police press release;
“Talbot refused to provide a breath sample and further refused to be fingerprinted and photographed because he did not wish to appear in the local paper”.
Of course, Joseph Talbot was eventually fingerprinted, photographed and booked. Here’s the Wayne County jail booking photo.
Joseph Talbot Booking photo
Our hapless hero, Mr. Joseph Talbot, after receiving a free ride to the State Police Barracks called a State Police Officer an “asshole” and refused to be fingerprinted or photographed (Like he actually had a choice in the matter). You see he was convinced that the local paper, The Wayne County Times would use this information and publish his photo and arrest information to ruin him and his family.
And this is where his trouble really begins. Mr. Talbot was so concerned about having his fingerprints and photograph taken because the local paper might pick it up and ruin him and his family, completely overlooked the glaring fact that he was already arrested for drunk driving. As if not having your photograph taken would somehow mitigate this fact. Not to mention that he had already dug himself in even deeper by failing several roadside sobriety tests, and refusing to take a breathalyzer test.
To put it bluntly, Joseph Talbot was already screwed. But did he just accept his fate, hire an Attorney, and move on from there? OH NO!
As was further stated in the New York State Trooper’s press release;
Talbot was subsequently charged with Obstructing Governmental Administration 2nd for failure to comply with the processing procedure”.
According to the Wayne County Times, Talbot “was additionally charged with misdemeanor Obstruction of Governmental Administration in the 2nd Degree, along with the DWI and traffic violations.
Talbot was arraigned and remanded to jail on $750 cash/$1500 bond to reappear in Palmyra Town Court on February 1st. He was also issued an appearance ticket for Lyons Town Court on the Obstruction charge”.
For most of us, we would have learned the error of our ways and moved on from there. Even idiots know when the battle is lost right? Not Mr. Talbot though.
Upon being released on $750.00 cash bail Joseph Talbot set out upon a mission of fools, or idiots in this case. Joseph Talbot had a plan. After release on $760.00 cash bail, our hero caught wind that The Wayne County Times was indeed going to publish his story in its January 2, 2016, edition Mr. Talbot hatched his ill-fated plan.
On the day that the story was to be published in The Times, Joseph Talbot put his plan into action. Instead of the usual tried and true, contrition, remorse, God and family routine, Mr. Talbot decided to take a road less traveled so to speak.
Mr. Talbot got up early and in an attempt to keep the story from getting out proceeded to go to every convenience store and retailer he could find and buy up every copy of the paper he could find.
After numerous stops, Joseph Talbot was actually able to purchase 900 copies of The Wayne County Times. Seriously 900 copies. Considering that The Wayne County Times only has a circulation of 12,000 this was quite a feat and expensive one at that.
Seriously, he actually did this. Think about it, at a newsstand price of $1.25 an issue, that comes to a grand total of $1,125.00.
Considering that The Wayne County Times hs an average circulation of 12,000 copies as well as an internet site, this was a fool’s errand at best. Besides, The Times replaced the sold out issues at its retailers thus increasing The Times circulation to new levels. Hell, this issue may have been their best-selling issue ever.
Here’s a link to The Wayne County Times story—>Here.
Not to mention the fact that thisnow became a national news story as well as a story featured on; profoundrevelations.com. Who knew?
Obviously, Joseph Talbot’s plan didn’t work and that is why he is Profound Revelations; 2016’s Idiot Of The Year.
So to you, Joseph Talbot I take my hat off to you. Well played, Joseph Talbot, Well played indeed. You deserve every bit of fame that comes with this great honor.
As Always,
I Am…
Tom Dye, The Safety Guy
This is an original work of news commentary, and satire by Tom Dye, The Safety Guy.
Couple Charged In Alleged Chip-Dip Fight Over The Last Beer
By Tom Dye
On March 5, 2017
In News Commentary, Satire, Stories about Drunks, Tales of the Absurd
Couple Charged In Alleged Chip-Dip Fight Over The Last Beer. First of all, I would like to apologize for being remiss in my duties to provide equal opportunity sarcasm and satire to everyone, not just to the people in the great weird State of Florida. I intend to rectify this oversight right now. This story was inspired by events that happened in Canada, yes, Canada, our good friends to the North. Sit down, grab a Molson, and relax.
To my friends in Canada, this one’s for you.
So…Canada, you canucks have been sitting up there freezing your a–es off, lurking around my blog, laughing at all the stories inspired by events in the Great weird State of Florida. You guys think your pretty smug, Eh? If this is an attempt to be more absurd then the great weird State if Florida, then you’re off damn good start.
Well, what the f–k is this s–t? A chip and dip fight, over the last beer. What, was it a Molson? Kokanee? Black Horse? It had better have been something worth fighting over, Eh!
So, as the story goes these two hosers, from Ontario, a 39 year old man and a 41 year old woman, got into a huge food fight and attacked each other over the last beer. Evidently, one of the hoser’s was armed with the dip and the other the chips. Both were hosed after an afternoon of drinking a two-four, (for everyone else this is Canadian slang for a 24 pack of beer) it was finally down to the very last beer. We all already know that this is going to end badly.
This was obviously a very one sided fight, as chips do not make anywhere near as good a weapon as dip is. Think about it? It’s a matter of simple physics. Here’s an experiment you can try at home. Try throwing a single chip and see how far it flies. It’s OK, I can wait, give it a try.
Did you see what I mean? Chips have very little mass, and because of their shape, only fly about as well as a single, unfolded, post-It note. The person would have to be sitting about two feet from you to be even remotely in the line of fire. Then unless you have some sort of severe allergy to salt or starch, it’s not going to hurt you in anyway.
Dip on the other hand, is a terrifyingly accurate weapon, and messy too. Scoop up a handful of dip and fling it at your intended target and Splat!! This is very similar to what monkeys do at the zoo to people who are harassing them. Except the monkeys don’t fling onion dip. I suppose if you managed to fling dip in both of your victims eye, you may be able to cause some real damage.
When the Canadian Mounted Police finally arrived at the scene on an early Friday morning after a long hard ride. They confronted the couple, who were covered in chips and dip. I’m not making this up, that’s what the article said, “When officers arrived, they found both people covered in chips and dip”.
Try to imagine that two people covered in chips and dip? What, do Canadians buy chips and dip in five gallon containers? It must have looked like someone that was tarred and feathered from the colonial days. If I was one of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police, I think I would have fallen off my horse from laughing so hard. I wonder if the horses got to feast on chips and dip? Do horses even eat chips and dip?
As it turns out the Mounties had ridden out to this same couples home on 15 different occasions for previous domestic disputes. I bet the Mountie’s horses already knew the way, all they had to do was point them in the right direction. There was no mention in the original article about previous altercations involving chips and dip. Oh well, after attacking each other with chips and dip the couple is facing charges for domestic violence, involving chips and dip, in the first degree.
You know Canada, there is only one thing you can do to save face in an absurd case like this. Yep. that’s right you have to immediately exile this couple to Florida. Obviously, this is where they belong, trust me they will fit right in. That’s right, chips and dip hosers, Take-Off!
Seriously, we won’t mind them coming to Florida at all. After all, we have a lot of experience with Canadian snowbirds, here in great weird State of Florida during the winter months. They can’t possibly drive any more poorly then the rest of you.
I am not trying to stereotype all Canadian drivers, as I obviously have not seen all Canadian drivers. My only experience with Canadian drivers are just the ones I have personally observed right here in Florida. You can tell that they are from Canada because they have Canadian plates on their cars. I have seen Canadian drivers here in Florida that are such bad drivers, that I can only imagine the vast trail of destruction leading all the way from Canada to Florida. I wonder how many people were killed or maimed along the way, just so they could spent the winter months in the warm weather.
Now that I think about it, I haven’t actually had much interaction with Canadians. Maybe when Canadians are visiting The United States, they just don’t talk about it. I don’t know why they wouldn’t, we are a pretty friendly bunch, at least the 25% of us who aren’t carrying concealed weapons, or the small percentage of right wing-nuts who might believe that the Canadian flag with the red maple leaf is actually some sort of secret communist symbol or something. Hmmm, maybe Canadians may be safer just keeping it to themselves.
Of course, everyone remembers how the right-wing-nut Republican Presidential & Vice Presidential contenders unfairly bashed Canada’s healthcare system in 2008 and 2012.
I tell you what, If Canada would agree to take former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin off our hands, and airwaves, I am pretty sure you would have this countries utmost respect and gratitude. You would certainly have mine. I bet I could even get Ben Affleck to rewrite his Academy Award winning movie, “Argo” to give Canada the credit they actually deserved for the success of the rescue mission. Please, please, think about it.
You know, you can’t really blame most Americans, for our total ignorance about what Canada and Canadians are really like. After all, for most Americans, the only things we know about Canada, came from; “South Park – the Movie”. In case you haven’t seen it, I have posted a video clip below, for your viewing and listening pleasure.
Before I start getting hate mail, I want to state unequivocally, that I don’t have anything against Canada, Canadian citizens, or anyone else in any other country for that matter.
Remember, you guys started it first, by posting a headline that was so absurd, it was just begging for my attention.
But, if you take me up on my offer to take Sarah Palin off our hands and airwaves, I will certainly work my very best to get Canada’s good name restored, once and for all.
OK, you win….For the love of God, Please, Please, I am begging you!!!!!
As Always,
I am…
Tom Dye, The Safety Guy
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