Tales oF the Absurd, Original Satire, Politics & News Commentary

Category: Satire (Page 1 of 11)

I Didn’t Mean To Lie, But I Did Anyway!

I Didn’t Mean To Lie, But I Did Anyway!

One of my Facebook friends recently posted a yet seemingly simple, but ultimately complex question. “Can any of my genius friends explain to me what, “I didn’t MEAN to lie” means? I’m kinda lost”

Actually, this is a really interesting question. Of course this begs the question, Why do people lie anyway? and who the hell cares?

One of the most interesting replies to her question was, “I didn’t mean for you to pay attention to the details of what I said….so as I was storytelling some extra colorful (and fictitious) portions were added. I then repeated it to myself enough times that I came to believe my fabricated version, thus it became MY truth, and therefore, when conveyed to you I believed it as fact. So, I may have TECHNICALLY lied, but it was an accident”

Now, this is a perfect explanation of the type of lies that your average Trumpian Republican politician tells us on a daily basis. You know who I’m talking about, Sean Spicer, Kellyanne Conway, Paul Ryan, and Donald Trump and a host of other Trump minions.

Here’s a fun fact. Did you know that Kellyanne Conway was the very first person who while in the middle of lying on the air (During Meet the Press) actually coined the term “Alternative Facts” to justify her lies? Yes it’s true.

I find these type of lies to be more entertainment than lies. Turn on the Sunday news shows when they have Trump surrogates, break out the popcorn and beer. Who the hell cares that these shows start at 9:00 AM, alcohol is definitely called for. I mean seriously, you have to suspend reality as much as possible to actually listen to these people.

I will say that Sean Spicer has a lot more fortitude than me. Just imagine, this guy goes out in front of the White House press corp every single day and lies his ass off. I am not talking about those kind of lies that anybody can confirm, or even care about.

Like when someone asks how you got that scar on your arm and you relate how when you were in the 3rd grade the neighbor’s German Shepard dog, Rex, got out of his yard and attacked you. When in reality you were jealous of  your Grandmothers beloved miniature Chihuahua, Tinkerbell, and kept pulling it’s tail when it was sleeping, and it turned around and bit you with those little needle teeth. And furthermore, you fucking deserved it because you were just a little brat who exhibited animal cruelty from an early age. You may have grown up to be  a serial killer as far as I know.

But, I digress…

Sean Spicer is forced to go out everyday on the international stage and lies through his teeth about issues that everyone knows he’s lying about. You don’t even have to Google it, it’s that obvious. And, he even says them with a straight face.

I mean seriously, the only people who actually believe his word vomit are the uneducated and deplorable Trump supporters. Everyone else, not so much. Actually, not at all.

Now, if that was me, I would snap after the second or third time that Trump sent me out there to lie like that. Seriously, Suddenly without warning I would just snap and say, Fuck It! I’m outta here.  Anything you want to know about the lying motherfucker Donald Trump, nows the time as I’m pretty sure that we have about two minutes before I’m escorted out of the building. I’m available for exclusive interviews starting tomorrow. Fuck You Trump, and I hope you rot in hell. (Mic Drop!!!)

At least my conscience would be clear, I’d do it in a heartbeat and never look back. Besides, I figure that would increase my 15 minutes of fame to at least 30-45 minutes, Maybe an hour, if I played my cards right.

Of course, there are different magnitudes of lying. Some forms of lying may be appropriate some are not. If your spouse asks you something you should always tell the truth as that’s what relationships are based upon, telling the truth. Honesty is always the best policy when it comes to your loved ones.

Certainly, people lie about why they can’t make it into work, on a Monday morning when they are too hung over to get out of bed. People also tell “White Lies” to make people feel better about themselves or others.

People lie about their past, their relationships, what they did over the weekend and a multitude of other reasons. People lie about their motivations, to increase their status wits with coworkers, bosses, friends and even complete strangers.

There is on situation where lying is expected, as a matter of fact, it’s actually protocol to do so. When you arrive at work and you greet your co-workers and ask them, How are you doing?” it is expected that they say something like, good, or OK, or some other affirmative response. Never, is it OK for them to stop and start telling you about how their dog died, their Uncle passed away, or describe any other tragedy before you have even had a chance to finish your coffee yet.

We should take with a grain of salt anything anyone tells us, not because that they are lying, but because their perceived reality may be different from our own. That’s just how life is.

Personally, I have always believed that honesty is the best policy as I never have to keep track of what I have told one person vs. another. It certainly makes life easier for me, anyway.

So how did I respond to my friend’s Facebook post? I replied, ” It mean’s that they are lying about lying, but their still lying when they say that they didn’t mean it about lying”.

You see, as a writer I lie all the time, As a matter of fact I’m lying right now.


As Always,

I Am…..

Thomas Dyson

This life commentary is an original work of satire by Thomas Dyson. If you enjoyed this article or others on please consider becoming a subscriber, it’s free. You will be the first to know when new articles are published. Rest assured we don’t use your email address for anything else. Feel free to share this article or others far and wide on your social media circles or shout it from the rooftops.  Your comments or suggestions are always welcome here. 


Rep. Mark Walker (R-N.C.) Attacks “Duckling Ramps” At Capitol Reflecting Pool As Government Waste

Rep. Mark Walker (R-N.C.) Attacks “Duckling Ramps” At Capitol Reflecting Pool As Government Waste

Really!!!! Well, Congressman, I was almost speechless when I first read your tweet as it was apparent that the depths of your stupidity evidently run very, very, deep. Just how did you think America would react?

How could you possibly NOT know that on May 15, 2017, at 4:56 PM, when you tweeted the photo (see below) along with “If it looks like a duck and walks like a duck, it must be government waste” that Americans would react strongly in response to your personal attack on baby ducklings?

Mark Walkers example of Govt waste

Congressman, you asked for it and now you got it. The first question that comes to mind is, what is your fucking problem with helping baby ducklings? Do you even have the smallest shred of humanity left in you?

What’s next? are you going to attack; puppies, kittens, baby squirrels? Where doe’s this end?

Here’s the back story for those who haven’t heard about this yet. The Architect of the U.S. Capitol in collaboration with City Wildlife, a local nonprofit installed two “Duck Ramps” along the area of the Capitol reflecting pond where there is a limestone barrier which makes it impossible for baby ducklings to get in and out of the water. The ramps, I estimate would cost around $47.00 each. (This is less than a one hundred dollar investment).

Why are these ramps important you ask? They will fucking drown from exhaustion or die of starvation unless they have a way to get out of the water, that’s why.

There are currently four families of Mallard ducks that call the Capitol Reflecting Pool home and return every single Spring. Ducks have lived at the reflecting pool since it’s inception, and are well loved, not only by the tourists and visitors to the Capitol but the people who live and work there as well.

Well now that you know the rest of the story. America responded with a vengeance and America’s not happy.

I don’t know about you Congressman, but I like baby ducklings, I believe that most people do. I live in Florida and several times there has been a mother Duck trying to get her brood of baby ducks across a busy road. This same scene plays out every Spring in cities and roads all across America.

Every single time, traffic stops both ways and at least one person, most of the time several people jump out of their cars and stop traffic both ways so the mother duck and her brood of ducklings can cross the road safely. No one is ever a dick about it. This is nothing more than human beings showing their humanity by helping small animals navigate an urban landscape that without our help could be deadly.

Here’s a video from Chicago that is a typical example that happens all across America every Spring. This is what being human is all about.

Well, Congressman because of your idiotic attack on baby ducklings, American’s responded to your tweet in ways that should have been entirely predictable to anyone else. But evidently, since you do not suffer from the ravages of intelligence you somehow did not see this coming. Here are just a few samples the thousands of tweets of how American’s responded to your example of Government waste.

@RepMarkWalker We could fly them down to Mar-a-lago every weekend if you’d like.

@RepMarkWalker Medicaid patients, Jimmy Kimmel’s baby, now baby ducklings. Do you have any hateful commments on puppies 🐶 you’d like to share?

@RepMarkWalker Donald Trump has made 21 trips to the golf course in 16 weeks and this dumbass is talking about government waste. 

@LizzyBaine @mitchellscomet @Xathreus @ErickFernandez@RepMarkWalker Only a monster would call this a waste.

@RepMarkWalker Pssst …. we’re paying for POTUS to go golfing every weekend and for his wife to live in a gold tower.

@RepMarkWalker I’m confused, that looks like a really cheap way to offset the ecosystem disruption of the concrete structure.

@RepMarkWalker Did you know that the president just told Russia classified secrets & goes golfing every weekend? What’s wrong with you?

So, Congressman Walker since you were so concerned about Government waste regarding a couple of ramps for ducklings which most likely cost less than $100.00. let’s talk about Government waste.

  • Per the As of April 29, 2017, “Since taking office, Mr Trump has spent half of his presidential weekends at his Florida resort, according to the New York Times. That schedule gave Mr Trump at least 25 days on the private getaway. The president has incurred roughly $25 million in expenses in his first 100 days in office. These expenses exceed President Obama’s travel expenses during his entire 8 years in office.
  • Melania Trumps refusal to live at the WhiteHouse and instead stay at Trump Tower in New York City with their son Barron costs an estimated 1 million dollars a day in security.
  • The House of Representatives has averaged 138 “legislative days” a year since 2001, according to records kept by the Library of Congress. That’s about one day of work every three days, or fewer than three days a week. I find this stunning as I work for the private sector, and they not only expect results, but I am expected to report to work as well as be productive at least 270 days a year (minus my 10 days vacation and a handful of holidays). Of course as the vast majority of American’s I don’t make anywhere near $174,000 per year as congress does either.
  • Republican’s in congress, such as yourself continually keep trying to destroy our healthcare system while at the same time keep trying to give the top 2% of Americans huge tax cuts, who by the way have the greatest ability to pay them. What’s up with that? Certainly, the Affordable Care Act has some problems, It is working well in 42 our of 50 States. How but about fixing them instead of throwing the rest of us under the bus.
  • What’s up with all this nonsense with congress rolling back regulations protecting our clean air and water? How much will it cost if we have another huge environmental disaster? Protecting profits of the big corporations instead of protecting the environment is frankly, insane.

Congressman, I could keep citing examples for several pages, but you get the general idea of what I am talking about. So the next time you complain about a couple of ramps so ducklings can get safely in and out of the water at the capitol reflecting pool maybe you should be looking at the big picture that affects all American’s.

You also have to consider that two ramps for baby ducklings are also important for disabled ducks, elderly ducks as well as the baby ducks. This could be considered a Ducks with Disabilities Act (DDA). This strongly parallels the Americans With Disabilities Act (ADA).

I don’t know what your issue with baby ducklings is. Maybe as a small child, you were traumatised by a baby duckling, maybe it was something else.  All I know for sure is that your attack on baby ducklings could well be extrapolated to be an attack on babies and the elderly as well.

I for one, will not stand for any attacks on ducklings or any attack on; animals, human babies, or the elderly.  I am a human being, and I care a lot about everyone. And, more importantly, I am not alone.

It’s a dirty job but someone’ss got to do it,  We care a lot!

Congressman, don’t even think about attacking puppies. I love puppies, and millions of others think just like me, and believe me, we vote.


As Always,

I Am…..

Thomas Dyson

This News Commentary is an original work of satire by Thomas Dyson. If you like our articles please consider becoming a subscriber (It’s Free) and you will be one of the first notified when new articles are posted. Rest assured we do not use your email address for anything except to provide you with a notification of new content posted. 

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The Orange Cheeto Dictator Continues To Systematically Dismantle everything Obama ever Did!

The Orange Cheeto Dictator Continues To Systematically Dismantle everything Obama ever Did! 

Why isn’t everybody talking about this? The Orange Cheeto Dictator continues to dismantle everything President Obama ever did, regardless of how beneficial it was to the American people.

It is perfectly clear to me that The Orange Cheeto Dictator, hates former President Obama with “extreme prejudice”.  I mean seriously, lets just look at the facts:

For almost eight years The Orange Cheeto Dictator promoted the “Birther theory” nonsense against President Obama. This bizarre conspiracy theory that President Obama was not an actual “Natural Born”American Citizen” and thus not a legitimate President has been disproven by virtually everyone.

In the video above Cheeto Dictator goes on and on about how Obama only produced a “certificate of live birth” and it has no signature, etc., etc. Well let me tell you when I was going to travel to London in 1990, I had to get a copy of my certified birth certificate. This was only because the U.S. Govt no longer accepted my original birth certificate, the one that has my mothers thumb prints as well as my little footprints. This birth original certificate was hand signed by the doctor and even has a raised and embossed seal from the hospital where I was born.

I sent a request to the State of California for a certified certificate of birth. Hell, I didn’t even get a “Certificate of live birth, what I received was a “Certified Abstract of Birth” there was no signatures, or raised and embossed seal, not anything. But strangely, this was more than enough proof for citizenship for the United States Passport Office to issue me an official U.S. Passport.

Not to mention the fact that President Obama produced his “Long Form” birth certificate, which should have put this nonsense to rest once and for all. But it didn’t. Of course we would have to totally ignore the fact that President Obama served on the Senate Intelligence Committee and passed a deep background check, or the fact that the Shadow Government or maybe The Illuminati, had enough foresight to plant not one, but two, birth announcements in local newspapers announcing President Obama’s birth in the State of Hawaii in 1961. Talk about long term planning to make Barack Obama, President of the United States decades later.

This is the moment that I believe that The Orange Cheeto Dictator totally lost his mind and made it his mission in life to destroy President Obama’s legacy. This moment occurred on April 30, 2011 at the White House Correspondents Dinner, where Obama roasted  Donald Trump.

I believe that this was the exact moment when the now, President Orange Cheeto Dictator had his psychotic break from reality and made it his mission in life to destroy President Obama, and everything he stood for.

Now, that The Orange Cheeto Dictator was elected by a minority of morons, with the help of racists, bigots,and white supremacists, he has begun the systematic destruction of everything Obama ever stood for, and this is just is first 100 days.

Let’s take a look at a sample of what he’s done so far…

(This official timeline was originally published in the

Executive Order Minimizing the Economic Burden of the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act Pending Repeal Instructs the Department of Health and Human Services to interpret the Affordable Care Act with discretion.

I guess we can ignore the fact that Republicans sued and won a dismantling a key provision of the Affordable care act and not to mention that the nation has the lowest rate of uninsured in the nations history.Can the Affordable care Act be tweaked to address the issues, certainly. But, the Orange Cheeto Dictator, doesn’t care.

Executive Order Expediting Environmental Reviews and Approvals For High Priority Infrastructure Projects. Calls for expediting construction of the Keystone XL and Dakota Access pipelines. The Orange Cheeto Dictator shows no regard for what the public or Indian Tribes feel about this issue.

Enhancing Public Safety In The Interior Of The United States. Calls for a crackdown on so-called sanctuary cities. First of all, there is no definition of sanctuary cities.

If you mean that cities or States refuse to hold a person that has been acquitted of all charges against them, and the U.S. Gov’t wants these individuals held without charges after they have been found not guilty of all charges of all charges against them, under our Constitution, they have to be released right away. By following the law, are releasing people who do not have any “judicial warrants” issued in order to hold them in custody, then certainly theses must be sanctuary cities. Who knew that following the U.S. Constitution was so complicated?

Border Security And Immigration Enforcement Improvements. Calls for the construction of a wall along the United States’ border with Mexico. 

Seriously??? If you really believe that we are going to big a big beautiful wall across 1,700 miles of our Southern border and Mexico’s actually going to pay for it, then you are as crazy as The Orange Cheeto Dictator. To quote Vicente Fox, the former President of Mexico, “We are not ever going to pay for a fucking wall”.  That about sums it up. Although, that doe’s not stop the Trumpian Orange Cheeto Dictator’s followers from believing it. It is actually kind of said that someone would take advantage of those who do not suffer from the ravages of intelligence, but the Orange Cheeto Dictator doe’s all the time. There really should be a law to stop this abuse. Of course, this doe’s not address those pesky Canadians along out Northern border either. After all, everyone knows that it is actually the Canadians that are the root cause of all our problems.

Protecting The Nation From Foreign Terrorist Entry Into The United States. Restricts entry to the U.S. for passport holders from seven Muslim-majority countries and halts entry for refugees for 120 days. 

This is the moment when the Orange Cheeto Dictator learned that he doe’s not have absolute power. There are those pesky things like the Democrats, the Congress, and the especially the Federal Courts, who are sworn to uphold the United States Constitution. There is this thing in the law called “intent” in which the courts base their decisions on. Who knew that if you create something called a “Travel Ban” that they could use your words against you when you were calling it a “Muslim Bam”?  Not one, or two, but three Federal Courts ruled against him because of this one interview. A rose by another name is still a rose.

Preventing Violence Against Federal, State, Tribal, and Local Law Enforcement Officers Instructs the Department of Justice to form a task force focused on reducing crime against law enforcement officers.

This is nothing more than cover for the racist Attorney General, Jeffrey Sessions to carry out his agenda. This order marginalize movements like Black Lives Matter, and doe’s nothing to get to the root cause of why Police Officers are attacked in the first place. There is a serious malignant cancer in any society where if you are black, hispanic or any other minority where your life could be in serious danger just because you were pulled over by Law Enforcement. I predict many more protests and civil actions before it gets any better. It’s really sad that The Orange Cheeto Dictator has to do everything the hard way, when the simple solutions are perfectly clear.

Restoring the Rule of Law, Federalism, and Economic Growth by Reviewing the Waters of the United States Rule. Instructs the Environmental Protection Agency and Army Corps of Engineers to review and reconsider an Obama-era clean water rule that clarifies which waterways should be protected under the Clean Water Act.

This is an environmental outrage, sure lets allow coal mining to dump tailings into streams, or Hey, whatever you want.  Let’s loom at the basic nature of water, Hey, I like clean water, who doesn’t?  If you pollute a small stream, it eventually flows into a river and eventually the ocean, bays, or whatever. This entire idea is insane!

Revocation of Federal Contracting Executive Orders. Revokes President Obama’s executive orders on fair pay and workplace regulations. 

Dave Jamison at The Huffington Post put it perfectly; “Repealing a regulation that had encouraged federal contractors to follow labor laws. Under the Obama-era rule, companies with an egregious record of violating wage and safety laws would lose their government contracts if they didn’t come into compliance. The idea behind the rule was to make sure unscrupulous employers didn’t receive taxpayer dollars.” WTF, is wrong with this? I mean seriously, who other that the Republicans and The Orange Cheeto Dictator could possibly find fault with only hiring contractors that followed fair labor and wage practices? Do you think that the Trumpian supporters are starting to realize that they have been conned? Most likely not, and the uneducated and deplorable, will believe anything until they crash head on into reality. But unfortunately, it is too late for them.

Enforcing Statutory Prohibitions on Federal Control of Education. Seeks to reduce federal intervention in education by ordering the Department of Education to review regulations and determine if they overstep the federal government’s authority. 

Here is where the Great Orange Cheeto Dictator has definitely drank the Kool -Aid and jumped off the cliff. of rationality. How many times have you heard the stories about the wingnut States that want to start teaching creationism? or How about the Texas School Board that tries to re-write history?  Here’s a golden opportunity to raise an entire generation of idiots.

Seriously, without Federal education standards, several of the Bible Belt States would be teaching this in public schools.

Really? The earth is only 6,000 years old and Noah’s arc included dinosaurs? Just imagine growing up being taught this pseudoscience and then trying to get into Harvard, Yale, Princeton or any other major University. Believe me it would happen.

Implementing an America-First Offshore Energy Strategy. Instructs the Department of the Interior to review regulations for offshore drilling. 

Am I the only fucking person that remembers the disastrous BP Oil spill? Seriously! That’s all I have to say about this.

And now, the ultimate Orange Cheeto Dictator fopah. (Or for anybody else on the planet this would be considered a suicidal career move) The Orange Cheeto Dictator abruptly fired the FBI Director James Comey who was smack in the middle of an active investigation of the Trump Administration for collusion with the Russians and the Russian hacking of our 2016 election.

In a delusional throwback to Trump’s Apprentice Show, reality TV days, where he could fire anybody at will and without any possible recourse, The Orange Cheeto Dictator fired James Comey by using some bullshit excuse about how Comey handled Hillary Clinton’s email investigation.

Really? Just how stupid doe’s The Orange Cheeto Dictator think we are? Was the FBI Director ready to issue subpoenas or warrants in the case?  What did Director Comey know that Trump wants to squash or interfere with? Believe me I am no fan of James Comey. He without a doubt caused Hillary Clinton to lose the election with his late October surprise.  If The Cheeto Dictator really had a problem with how Comey handled the Clinton email investigation he would have done it on January 20th.

There are a lot of misconceptions out there. This is not “technically” a constitutional crisis. The President has every right and legal authority to fire the FBI Director for  cause. However, there is a such thing as “societal norms regarding the U.S. Constitution” These societal norms have now been violated. Believe me, these societal norms will re-assert themselves with a vengeance. They always do.

I have no doubt whatsoever, that The Orange Cheeto Dictator will either resign, be impeached or even better yet, be removed as un fit under the 25th amendment. The 25th amendment option would be the ultimate humiliation for this thin skinned, lying, sociopathic authoritarian dictator to suffer. Just imagine how he would react after being removed from office on the grounds that he was unfit to serve as President?

The Orange Cheeto Dictator may try to undo everything that President Obama ever did, but he will ultimately fail. President was an honest, highly intelligent human being, who truly cared about everyone.

You see, Trump cannot erase President Obama, the man, his legacy, his ideals, honesty, or integrity, and especially the millions of activists and voters he inspired. These shall live on no matter what The Orange Cheeto Dictator says or does.

President Obama and his family served with class, humility, and so much more, and made all of us proud as a nation. History will look back fondly on President Obama’s eight years in office. The Orange Cheeto Dictator, Not So Much!


As Always,

I am…..

THomas Dyson


This essay is an original work of News Commentary, and Satire by; Thomas Dyson.

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