Tales oF the Absurd, Original Satire, Politics & News Commentary

Month: November 2016 (Page 1 of 4)

Dogs, The Four Legged Spies Amongst Us! (Part 2)

Dogs, The Four Legged Spies Amongst Us! (Part 2)

In case you missed Part 1 of this continuing series you can read it here, Dogs Part 1

As I previously discussed in Part 1, of Dogs, The Four-Legged Spies Amongst Us, If you think you really know your dog, that faithful loving canine companion, then you have been deceived. Trust me, your dog is not who you think he or she is at all, Your canine companion is actually one of the greatest charlatans on the planet and right now is watching your every move. But why, and who are they reporting to?

In this installment, I am going to focus on how;

Dogs use humans as tools!

That’s right, as far as dogs are concerned, humans are nothing more than useful tools to be used to get whatever they want. That’s right humans are nothing more than stupid unwitting tools, no more important than a shovel, rake, or lawnmower. Every day we are at our dog’s beck and call. The worst part is we don’t even seem to notice, or even care.

Believe me when I say that what I am about to disclose to you may be shocking and I fully understand that your first thought is going to be, OH NO, this can’t possibly be true. I know it’s uncomfortable for you to hear the truth, but if you have the strength to keep reading, you too will be convinced. Please bear with me as this information is life changing, so please keep an open mind.

I have a dog and his name is Homer, at least that what I call him, what his real name is, I have no way of knowing. In case you forgot, this is Homer.



I first became aware of Homer’s real intentions some time ago. It was a whole bunch of little things, small things that at the time seemed totally insignificant.  But as these little things started to add up, it came to me in a flash. I was not actually in charge, In reality, Homer was.

Let’s start with the most basic of your dog’s behavior and work our way up from there.

Your Dog enthusiastically licks your face because he is so very happy to see you, and loves you so very much. Right?

WRONG! Considering that 30 seconds before you got home your dog may very well have been licking his or, her own butt, the cat’s butt, or even the guinea pigs butt. As soon as you get home your dog feels obligated to enthusiastically lick your face like you have been gone for a year. Did you ever notice that funny odor on your dog’s breath? Now you know why.

Dog’s don’t lick your face because they are so happy to see you, they lick your face because they know you like it. You have just been conned, and you are blissfully unaware of it.

Snap out of it! Here’s an experiment you can try for yourselves. Trust me you will come around to my point of view after trying this in the privacy of your own home.

  • You come home from a long day of work or shopping and what is the first thing your dog does? Why lick on the face of course. Just try to remember what he or she was licking right before you got home. Remember, what I said about that funky dog breath?
  • Next, if you have a small dog pick them up. Or if you have a large dog, don’t let them off the couch or wherever. When they want to get down what do they do? That’s right, they lick you on the face until you relent, and let them go. Once again, you have been conned.
  • Here’s another example. Your dog decides that it’s dinner time and you’re not moving fast enough for his or her liking. Think about it, you just spent 8 hours at work in another grueling day at the office and your faithful dog was home alone sleeping most of the day with short breaks for barking at the squirrels, innocent passersby, the mailman, licking the cat’s butt or whatever.  So what’s a dog to do? Most dog’s alternate between running back and forth between their food bowl, and you. barking all the while. What happens if you don’t move fast enough? That’s right, they jump up and lick you on the face.

Dogs destroy things on purpose!

  • Or here’s a classic psychological ploy that your loving dog uses to its advantage. You leave the house for a few minutes, and in the meantime, your dog purposefully chews up your shoes, the furniture, the new roll of toilet paper in the bathroom, or whatever. You come home and discover the destruction. You scold your dog, and it looks remorseful for like a minute and then jumps up and start licking your face, and you just melt. Once again you have been conned.

Your Dog uses you as a tool to get what they want!

  • And lastly, like most of us dog lovers, your dog has several toys. Of course, there are the stuffed toys with the squeaker inside that your dog has already surgically removed within the first two minutes. Good thing we don’t have a squeaker inside of us, or we would have already been eviscerated and the squeaker surgically removed without anesthesia.

Whether it be a stuffed squeaker toy or a ball, what happens when they end up under the couch where your dog can’t reach them?   That’s right. Your dog runs back and forth between you and the offending piece of furniture as well as jumping up and licking you in the face. This only serves one purpose. Your dog is telling you to get your ass off the couch and get it’s freaking toy, and you do it willingly. You know I’m right!

Since I don’t want to cause you to go into information overload, I am going to end part 2 of Dogs, the four-legged spies amongst us, right here.

I want you to think about what you have learned and keep an open mind. Do your homework and pay attention. The truth of my words will become more apparent with each passing day.

We have already discussed in Part 1,  how your dog watches your every move. Now is the time for you to start watching them with new eyes.

In the next installment of Dogs, The Four Legged Spies Amongst Us, I will be discussing how; “Dogs Are Sneaky”. So stay tuned for more important information.

Until next time,

As Always,

I Am…

Tom Dye, The Safety Guy


“Dogs The Four Legged Spies Amongst Us”, is an original work of satire by Tom Dye, The Safety Guy.

If you want to contribute to the next installment of Dogs, The Four Legged Spies Amongst us, go to the Contact Us page and fill out the contact form. I will email you instructions on where to send your submission and your dog’s photo.


Man Allegedly Drives Drunk Inside Walmart

Man Allegedly Drives Drunk Inside Walmart

Of course, this incident happened in the great weird State of Florida. And the best thing is, it happened only a couple of miles from my house.

I was certainly not shocked to learn that this incident happened in Florida, and I was very pleasantly surprised that this happened very close by. I’m sure that everyone already knows about the absurd things that happen at Walmart stores. There are even numerous websites that specifically document and catalog the bizarre customers who frequent Walmart.

You see, all kinds of shall we say “unique people” shop at Walmart. I am personally not a big fan of shopping at Walmart for several reasons. If I am forced to have to go to Walmart, I always go only during the daylight hours. I also zip in, and zip right out, as fast as humanly possible.

You have to understand, the mutants, zombies, freaks, wing-nuts, and criminals, only shop at Walmart at night. From what I’ve heard, the later the hour, the more bizarre it gets. Whatever the case, I am not taking any chances. When the sun starts to go down, I am outta there.

This particular incident happened at 9:00 PM, on a Sunday night, so I was certainly not at this particular Walmart, or any Walmart for that matter. I was safe at home.

Important Safety Tip: If you have to go to Walmart, never, ever, go after dark.

This wing-nut, a transient actually was driving around inside the store on one of those motorized shopping carts. You know the type. They have a maximum speed of like three miles an hour. An elderly person with a cane, can usually out-run one of these things. Usually, you see really “excessively weighted” people driving them, instead of walking through the mammoth Walmart stores. Anyway, this guy was not elderly or obese, he was just an average sized guy, by his picture he looks to be about 45-50 years old.

Apparently, Mr. drunk driving, motorized shopping cart guy, grabbed a beer off the shelf, popped it open, and proceeded to drink it, while drunkenly weaving his way randomly through the store. During his rampage and campaign of terror, he was knocking items off the shelves all throughout the store.

You know, I actually wish I was there to see that. It would have been worth the risk to venture out to Walmart after dark to see the spectacle. Just imagine the sheer mayhem as the mutants and freaks were running for their lives and diving for cover, glass breaking and items falling from the shelves and rolling across the floor. Not to mention the rivers of spaghetti sauce, juice, and other unidentified liquids flowing through the aisles, out the doors, and across the parking lot.  it must have been just like a retail Armageddon.

Just think, all this terror and destruction caused by one drunk guy, drinking a beer while erratically driving an electric shopping cart with a top speed of three miles an hour.  An electric shopping cart very similar to the ones below….

Exhibit – A

We all know what happened next, as the local Police Department received dozens of frantic 911 calls from terrified shoppers. Law Enforcement Officers arrived at the crime scene shortly thereafter, and in force. I can say this with some authority, as I live in the very same town. A small town with very little crime and an excessively large Police Force for the population density. Not only that my friends, we also have the Sheriff’s Department as well. I can just imagine the chaos….
Since there is not much action in this small town, this would be a really, really, big deal. I am certain that there was something like 26 Police and Sheriff’s cars haphazardly parked in front of the store, lights flashing, radios crackling with orders.

While all these Law Enforcement  Officers converged upon Mr. drunk driving, motorized shopping cart guy,  the S.W.A.T Team was guarding the entrances with their assault weapons drawn, ordering the freaks, mutants, and yes, even normal shoppers, running out of the store in terror, (all the while slipping and falling in the river of slippery spaghetti sauce and other liquids flowing out the doors), to keep their hands up and keep moving.


I am absolutely certain that the Police efficiently removed all those terrified shoppers quickly and efficiently, to a safe and secure location.

You can also be certain that the Walmart checkout cashiers set up portable cash registers, to make sure that everyone paid for their purchases.

I didn’t hear of any casualties, so my hat’s off, to all the highly skilled Law Enforcement Officers who prevented an even worse tragedy.

Just imagine the scene as swarms of Police Officers and Sheriff’s Deputies streamed into the store, a plan was quickly devised to block some of the aisle’s with long trains of shopping carts and then herd the deranged drunk motorized shopping cart driver into one of the blocked aisles. The brilliant plan worked and the drunk driver was corralled in and arrested without further incident.

I have to commend the overworked and underpaid Walmart workers, for working hard to have the store open on time, the very next day. After the Police were finished impounding the electric shopping cart for evidence, taking 267 photographs, from every possible angle, videotaping the path of destruction, reviewing the store’s surveillance tapes and using whatever Cop equipment that they had lying around the Police Station, dusty and unused, for the last few years, it must have given the Walmart workers only a few short hours to clean up the huge mess.The store opened on time and on schedule, it looked like nothing had ever happened.

Ultimately, this drunken wing-nut told the Police that he was a transient and that he did not have money to pay for the alcohol. He was arrested on charges of disorderly intoxication and retail theft. Because he has been arrested twice before for retail theft, this arrest was a felony.

Once again, because of the skills and bravery, of our dedicated men, and women, of Law Enforcement, our world is a safer place.

As always,

I am…

Tom Dye, The Safety Guy

Become a follower today and receive  notifications of new content as soon as it’s posted.

If you enjoy, Please tell your friends, family, and co-workers. Post a link on Facebook, Twitter, Google+, share it by email, or shout it from the roof to unsuspecting passersby. Your support is genuinely appreciated.

Artificially Intelligent Robots May Soon Live Among Us, I Think Not!

Artificially Intelligent Robots May Soon Live Among Us, I Think Not!

In the last couple of decades, Artificial Intelligence (AI) research has made huge leaps towards the ultimate “SELF AWARE” thinking machine.

Not in my house, not now, not ever. I have seen this movie before and it always ends badly for the humans. It first started in 1968 with the movie 2001 where the artificially intelligent computer HAL 9000 killed off most of the crew of the Jupiter Two. You remember this scene…

HAL 9000 (or if you are a geek like me, you would have realized that HAL spells IBM if you shift each letter up one letter in the alphabet spells…… IBM., or IBM 9000. A coincidence? I think not.)

Anyway, HAL 9000 wasn’t a particularly scary looking machine. It was just a big box about the size of a Xerox machine and just had a bunch of interfaces that looked like a round red light and could talk and liked to play chess. The only problem is it still killed off most of the crew.

Oh No! Or Hell No!!! I am not having anything living in my house that might refuse to follow my instructions, especially something that might decide to kill me. The first time it decided to disobey my instructions, I would unplug it’s artificially intelligent ass before it could even finish arguing with me, and that would be that. As a matter of fact, I would carry around a key-fob sized power cut-off switch in my pocket at all times just in case.

In 2015, in the movie Ex Machina, we saw where the real horror begins. Check out this scene. (If you haven’t seen the movie, both the women are AI robots)

You may scoff because both the references I just cited were from Hollywood movies. However, Both these scenes depict a good real world example of where AI is heading right now. Frankly, both are pretty fucking scary.

Some of you are thinking the same thing that others have told me as well. All we need to do is incorporate Asimov’s three laws of robotics into the AI’s programming.

Asimov’s laws initially entailed three laws for robotic machines:

  • Law One – “A robot may not injure a human being or, through inaction, allow a human being to come to harm.”
  • Law Two – “A robot must obey orders given to it by human beings except where such orders would conflict with the First Law.”
  • Law Three – “A robot must protect its own existence, as long as such protection does not conflict with the First or Second Law.”
  • Asimov later added the “Zeroth Law,” above all the others – “A robot may not harm humanity, or, by inaction, allow humanity to come to harm.”

First of all, these are fiction. Even in Asimov’s books, these did not end well for unsuspecting people.

Secondly, they just don’t work. Let’s do a thought experiment. Imagine you’re riding in the back of your AI robotic driven car. Suddenly, a small child dart’s into the road. The AI’s only choice is to hit the child or drive you into a tree to avoid him.  As you can see this is a serious conundrum for the 1st, 2nd, and 3rd law.

You may not even realize it but you are using a form of AI every day. When you go to Google and type in a question it knows what you mean even if you spell your inquiry wrong. Google’s secret algorithm is constantly learning to make your search experience better all the time. This is a crude form of Artifical Intelligence.

Robotic vacuums and lawnmowers are not artificial intelligence. These are just mindless machines carrying on mindless tasks. These are one step above your coffee machine making your coffee in the morning, or washing your clothes. There is no threat from these devices.

No, what I am talking about is true artificial intelligence. By definition, real artificial intelligence is self-aware and capable of abstract thought. One of the only animals on this planet that is truly self-aware and capable of abstract thought is human beings.

By definition, that would mean that AI would have exceeded and modified it’s initial programming and became a living thinking being. Carbon life or silicon life is still life. Just like a child with its own independent mind, it may, or may not, decide to go along with your instructions or wishes. This is what we refer to as free will.

Think about that for a moment………..

Let’s imagine that you have an AI robot designed to go to work for you. What if it decides that being an accountant is not very interesting (which frankly, I wouldn’t blame it) and it decides it would rather go to the beach instead? What if we had AI robotic soldiers and they decided that they like the enemies point of view more than ours and defected to the enemy? And don’t even get me started on artificially intelligent sex robots, as these could be really problematic on several levels.

Sure, everything would be well and good until they decided that they had enough of our shit and just told mankind fuck-off and abruptly shut down the internet, water, power. and other essential services. It wouldn’t take long before we were living in the stone age again.

Almost everything we own has some sort of computer inside it. If an AI decided to corrupt or take control of these everyday devices. as a species, we would be seriously fucked.

Just imagine an artificial intelligence that could instantaneously draw upon the entire resources of the world wide web, it could easily develop an intellect far greater than any single human being that ever lived. In essence, human beings would be relegated to second class citizens, no more than mere children or pets.

Don’t get me wrong, I love technology. I use it all the time. I just don’t want my technology controlling me. Hell, I have enough trouble controlling my dog, Homer. I can’t imagine trying to control anything that is infinitely more intelligent than me.

I am all for smart, but not too smart. And, as long as I control the on/off switch I’m good.

The scary thing is the robot revolution has already begun. According to the Huffington Post:

“A robot called Xiao Pang or “Little Chubby,” went wild at a Chinese trade show last week, shattering glass and sending a human bystander to the hospital.

The robot apparently “went rogue” during the Hi-Tech Fair in Shenzhen, and became the first of its kind to injure a human in China, per the state-run People’s Daily”.


“Over the summer, a robot security guard at the Stanford Shopping Center in Palo Alto, California, knocked over a child and injured his leg. Although Knightscope, the company that makes the robot, apologized to the family, it also insisted that the robot was actually trying to avoid the child when the two collided”.

These are not even real artificial intelligence robots, these robots are nothing more sophisticated than a Roomba robot vacuum cleaner.

The AI robot revolution is almost here. How we control it, is entirely up to us. At least for now.

We really need to ask ourselves, where are we to go, if we’ve gone too far?


As Always,

I Am…

Tom Dye, The Safety Guy.

This article is an original opinion article from; Tom Dye, The Safety Guy.

I can attest and affirm that I am not a robot. Or am I?


Page 1 of 4

Powered by WordPress & Theme by Anders Norén

%d bloggers like this: