PROFOUND REVELATIONS

MARK IT ZERO: Man Accidentally Shoots Himself While Bowling.  ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME!!! You don’t even have to ask, of course this totally absurd incident happened right here in the great weird State of Florida.

God! I love this State!

So anyway, this poster child for gun control had a loaded revolver in his  pocket while bowling and the weapon fired when the man’s bowling ball brushed up against his pocket during his back swing. Seriously!!! What a freaking dumbs–t. This moron is obviously a really crappy bowler as well as a dumba-s.

Of course, being Tom Dye, the Safety Guy, I know all about guns, as well as lot’s of other esoteric knowledge. It was reported that this idiot had a loaded revolver in his pocket. Of course, you would definitely need a loaded revolver in your pocket during a night out of bowling, I mean seriously, who doesn’t go bowling without packing a concealed firearm right?

“His Bowling ball brushed against him, when he was in his back swing, which in turn triggered the revolver,” this was actually witnessed by another bowler nearby. Obviously, this half cocked dimwit, either had very large pockets, or a very, very, small gun. I am still trying to wrap my head around how this dumbs–t managed to pull off the stupidest gun accident in recent memory.

Let’s talk about revolvers for a minute, there are essentially two different types.  In a single-action revolver, the user pulls the hammer back with his free hand or thumb; the trigger pull only releases the hammer. In a double-action revolver, pulling the trigger moves the hammer back, then releases it.

So how in thew hell do you fire the gun just by brushing against it with your stupid a-s bowling ball. Is it possible that this balloon head actually had a loaded revolver in his pocket with the hammer in the cocked position? Is there anyone on the planet who would keep a revolver in his pants pocket with the hammer pulled back and ready to fire? Well, no one except for this dumba–s.

The gun fired and hit him in the leg. Frankly,  it should have shot him in the nuts just to teach him a lesson. We certainly don’t want stupid people like this breeding more stupid people. If we allow this to continue we will have people shooting themselves all the time while bowling. Eventually, we may all would need full body armor while bowling, just so we don’t get injured by stray bullets. You know, this may have just started a new variation of bowling. I can see it now; Duck n’ Roll Bowling. I might actually watch something like that on TV.

We really need to discuss the root cause of why this kind of absurd behavior regularly occurs with amateur bowlers. I know it’s the elephant in the room that nobody want’s to talk about, but we need to get this out in the open.

Of course, I have a theory. I am just going to come out and say it, IT’S THE F–KING BOWLING SHOES. Yes, it’s the stupid bowling shoes that are causing this self-destructive behavior and exacerbated by all the half-cocked, concealed weapon toting, moron’s all across the country.

Every time you go bowling, you have to rent a pair of the most butt ugly shoes known to man. On top of that, these same bowling shoes have been worn by tens of thousands of people prior to you since like 1959. I know, they supposedly sanitize these bowling shoes after each use, YEAH RIGHT! hitting them with a little spritz of some no name brand disinfectant after each use isn’t going to do s–t.

I believe that over the decades there is some sort of intelligent and definitely malevolent  mind altering fungus that grows inside these bowling shoes and under the right conditions it takes over the minds and bodies of the unsuspecting wearers of these deadly shoes. Seriously, think about all the absurd incidents you have read about, or seen on the news, about violent incidents that happen at bowling alleys across the country. They all have one common denominator, THE SHOES.

I know some of you have your own pet theories about what causes these absurd incidents at bowling alleys. I have heard them all and I can debunk all of them right now.

Bowling alleys serve alcohol –  Sure they do and so do bars and restaurants,  but you don’t hear about these type of absurd incidents happening at these establishments now do you? So, we can shoot that theory down right now.

Bowling is a stressful sport – First of all bowling is not a sport. If you mean that rolling a stupidly heavy round ball, usually in some sort of amazingly ugly color scheme and rolling it down an infinitely long narrow wood lane and somehow hitting some pins at the very far end is stressful, then maybe you need to find another activity to occupy your time. Bowling is certainly stupid, but stressful, I think not.

It’s the kind of people who are attracted to bowling – Maybe this theory has some very small grain of truth to it. Certainly rocket scientists are not bowlers, but then again some people can get sucked into doing anything. Nah, I am still sticking to my deadly, malevolent,  intelligent fungus theory, as that is the only common denominator in all of these absurd incidents.

So, what do we do to stop this menace to society? Obviously we should outlaw the stupid game we call bowling. I know it’s a pipe dream, so I guess we will have to go with plan “B”.

For God’s sake buy your own stupid bowling shoes. Seriously,  do you actually let every one of your friends and family and even complete strangers wear your regular shoes? I think not, at least I know I don’t.  Besides, have you ever seen those mutants hanging out at the bowling alley? Think about it, they were most likely the last ones wearing the same deadly fungus infested bowling shoes that you just rented a half an hour ago. If that doesn’t give you nightmares, I don’t know what will.

You could at the very least leave your guns at home dim wits. When was the last time terrorists attacked a bowling alley? After all, do you want to be the laughing-stock of the entire nation just like this moronic dimwit is right now? Hey, this guy made it into Profound Revelations – Tales of the Absurd, and believe me this is a pretty exclusive club. Maybe you should just sleep on it, I think with a nice cup of coffee and a clear head in the morning, you will end up agreeing with me.

Here’s a little parting gift that I think you will enjoy. This is a really cool music video by the band “Camper Van Beethoven” from 1985. It’s a really cool song called “Take the skinheads bowling” I hope you enjoy it.

Remember, don’t forget to go out and buy your own personal pair of stupid bowling shoes right away. Who knows maybe Walmart is even having a special sale on cheap Chinese made synthetic leather bowling shoes.

 

As always,

I am…

Tom Dye, The Safety Guy

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