Tales oF the Absurd, Original Satire, Politics & News Commentary

Month: July 2016

Penis Stealing Reportedly ‘On The Rise’

This bulls–t has to f–king stop right now. I don’t know about you, but the first person that tries to steal my penis will have a serious problem on their hands.

I am not making this up my friends. This is happening right now in West Central Africa. Believe it or not this was first reported in China as early as 300 B.C. For some reason it’s happening again.

As was widely reported, in Tiringoulou, a small town in the Central African Republic, there was a guy that came into town, in the guise of a Sudanese merchant trader. At the conclusion of business he shook two men’s hands and *BAM* the men suddenly felt an electric shock and instantly their penises shrunk to a size smaller then that of a newborn baby.

This was witnessed by several people in the small village. As for the men whose penises were stolen, several eyewitnesses reported that this did actually happen and the men’s penises are still nano sized to this day.

Scientist’s who have been studying the stolen penis phenomenon (Yes, there are actually real Scientist’s, who study this type of thing) have reported that this is mostly an urban crime and this is the first cases of penis snatching in a small rural town. These Scientist’s attribute this rise in penis snatching to the rise of black magic or witchcraft on the African continent.

You see, there is some sort of illicit black magic trade in human organs, specifically penises, as some sort currency or magic ingredient in an underground occult economy. There are recent reports that a woman was recently arrested by airport security in Cameroon  trying to smuggle several penises to the Continent inside a loaf of bread. There wasn’t any mention in the report if the penises were baked into the bread or not.  Or if these penises were part of the batch that was recently stolen.

As for the villagers, they have taken to protecting themselves, by refusing to shake hands with any strangers, for any reason whatsoever, for fear that anyone of them, could very well be the next victim of penis snatching.This sounds like an excellent and very prudent idea,

I think everyone should stop shaking hands with any strangers, immediately, at least until we can eradicate penis snatching, once and for all.I wonder if fist bumping is OK? Howie Mandel, doe’s this all the time, I assume he still has his penis. Maybe someone should ask him.

On a side note, I would like to believe that a stand-up comedy great like, Howie Mandel, is a regular reader, and huge fan, of my absurd stories and commentary. Hey, at least it makes me feel better believing that he is. Hey, Stop Smirking!  You never know, it’s possible.

Howie Mandel demonstrating the proper way to fist bump

Howie Mandel, If your reading this…Just a quick question…I have read that you fist bump because you have a thing about germs, which is perfectly understandable. Could it also be because you are protecting yourself against penis snatchers? Could you please contact me, and let me know, so I can inform my readers if fist bumping is an effective deterrent against penis snatchers.

If and when, Howie Mandel, get’s back to me, you guys will be first to know what he said. I will post an update to this story as soon as I hear from him, Obviously we all want to know if fist-bumping really works, or not.

There were also similar reports of penis snatching in Central Europe in the 15th and 16th centuries. A publication called ‘Malleus Maleficarum‘ (Latin for – Hammer of the Witches) published in 1486 discussed the dangers of witchcraft and detailed how witches or sorceresses, would steal men’s penises and keep them in birds nests. I don’t know about the bird nest part, but the rest of it sounds exactly like what is happening on the African continent right now.

Penis snatching, or shrinking penises was first reported in China as far back as 300 B.C.,  were first reported in Nei Ching, the Yellow Emperor’s book of Medicine.

There are many, many more examples throughout history as well.

This strange and disturbing phenomena has mostly been ignored by Western medicine and Western mainstream media. Obviously, it’s easy to ignore it when it is not your penis that is missing, or permanently shrunk down to a size smaller then a cigarette butt.

I would be willing to bet that if this happened to some world renown American Doctor, this would become a really big deal. This would be on all the NEWS channels, MSNBC, CNN, ABC, NBC, CBS and even Fox News.Except, you can bet that Fox News would blow it all out of proportion and get Michele Bachmann, Sarah Palin and Donald Trump on air to blame Barack Obama for the worldwide penis snatching epidemic.

Of course, not to be out done, Rush Limbaugh, would blame the entire penis snatching epidemic on Liberal Democrats, as well as, President Obama, as the penis snatching is some sort of master plan to eviscerate conservatives. Trust me, if this was a Liberal Democratic master plan, Rush Limbaugh’s penis would be the first to go. But then again, how do we know that he hasn’t had his penis snatched long ago?

The Centers for Disease Control (CDC) and the National Institute for Health (NIH) would be pouring all sorts of money and resources into this thing. A cure or vaccine to prevent penis snatching would be the highest priority and Congress would demand action be taken right away. Obviously, Congress would be worried about their own penises, so no expense would be spared. Hell, this would be bigger then the Apollo Moon Program during the 1960’s.

Let’s face it, there are way too many cases of penis snatching reported around the world, starting way back in 300 B.C., to just write this off as some ignorant peoples superstitious belief in witchcraft. Obviously, some diabolical force is at work here, but to what end?

I have done some research and there is something that can protect you from the penis snatchers. It is a special and omnipitant magic called Juju. This potent magic specifically uses special objects, and natural ingredients such as amulets, and spells used superstitiously as part of witchcraft in West Africa. It is widely reported that a Juju protection spell works very well against the penis snatchers.

A Juju preparation for protection made up of special sticks, twigs, leaves, seeds, bones, ground up lizards, and other secret ingredients and plants, ground up and taken as directed will absolutely keep your penis in it’s pristine condition and more importantly it’s original size.

I have read that in Nigeria it can cost a lot, around 1,000 Naira a large sum by Nigerian standards. This equal to about $15.00 (US Dollars).

I don’t know about you, but $15.00 to protect my penis from penis snatchers, sign me up!!!<

If anyone knows of a reputable Juju practioner in Florida, please leave me a message. I want to get a hold of them as soon as possible.Hey, wait a minute…That reminds me, when I was a kid, I used to be addicted to this weird candy, called Juju beans. In case you don’t know, Juju beans (or Magic Beans) were this weird candy that had some sort of nondescript flavors that nobody could identify.Now that I think about it, they could have been made up of special sticks, twigs, leaves, seeds, bones, ground up lizards, or other secret ingredients. They sure tasted like they could anyway.I wonder if they even still make them,  I certainly hope so. I may still have some residual protection left from eating so many of them. Here’s a photo just in case you come across some.

Who knows, It might be worth a try.

Juju Beans

As always, 

I am…

Tom Dye, The Safety Guy

Become a follower today and receive notifications of new content, as soon as it’s posted.If you enjoy this blog, Please tell your friends, family and co-workers. Post a link on Facebook,, Twitter, Google+, share it by email, or shout it from the rooftops, to unsuspecting passersby. Your support is genuinely appreciated.

If you spot any “absurd or misleading headlines”, leave a comment below with the EXACT headline wording as it originally appeared, and just maybe, I will write a story about your absurd news headline, in the very near future.

BL-Pee? Spring Breaker Pees On Cop’s Sandwich

Spring Breaker Pees On Cop’s Sandwich.  Once again, this absurd incident happened right here in the great weird State of Florida. I will never, ever, run out of great material right here in Florida, especially during Spring Break. OK, that being said, let’s get right into today’s story…

You know they say that today’s youth are tomorrows leaders. If that’s the case, may God help us all. Don’t get me wrong, I also did a lot of stupid things while growing up. However, I was never arrested for anything, ever, at anytime.

You see, I have always had this aversion to getting arrested and going to jail. I have always believed that I didn’t have to experience some things on life personally, to know that this is not the kind of thing I need to experience first hand. Getting arrested, especially for something stupid, is definitely one of those experiences that I have determined that I can live without knowing first hand.

So here’s a guy, Chris, one of America’s upstanding future leaders who along with a couple of his friends decided to start breaking empty beer bottles, at a Florida beach resort at 2:00 AM. Talk about drawing attention to yourselves. Of course, because of these three numb-nuts, dumba-s actions the Police were called. Really! what did these drunk halfwits think was going to happen? Let’s see, start breaking beer bottles, at a beach resort, during spring break, at two in the morning = Law Enforcement arriving shortly thereafter.

Remember these guys are the future leaders of America. They obviously must be Tea Party type, conservative Republications, No respectable liberal Democrat’s would ever even think about doing anything this f–king asinine.

So, the Police arrive, and place one of the suspects, Chris into the back of his patrol car for his own safety, while he questions the other two of America’s future leaders. As you may have guessed, this was a serious mistake on the Police Officer’s part.

Our hero, Chris, responded to this automobile incarceration, by using the only method available to him by banging his head against the Police car’s window bars and threatening to pee inside the Cop’s car, and in turn, all over himself.

Before the Officer could react, Chris, proceeded to whip it out and precision urinate through the car’s security cage, and into, and all over, the deputy’s personal items, including his cellphone, water bottles, and his lunch bag.

I am pretty certain that this future leader of America learned a valuable lesson on exactly what not to do. I am also certain that his two buddies, most likely learned by living vicariously through Chris, that this was a mistake that they didn’t want to experience personally. Since there wasn’t anything in the original report, I assume that the other two guys learned from Chris’s example and decided not to pee on the Cop’s personal belongings. Just maybe these two accomplices may still have a chance to redeem themselves in life. I guess only time will tell for sure.

Our hero, Chris, was ultimately arrested with resisting arrest without violence. I bet that the Cop most likely used some violence on Chris, when he discovered that Chris had pissed all over his cell phone, water bottles, and lunch. I mean seriously, what would you do if you were the Cop?

Well Chris, now that you have pretty much crossed yourself off the list of the future leaders of America, I am pretty sure that your job prospects have dimmed considerably. I am pretty certain that you may still be able to go far in the food service or hotel industries.

As always, 

I am…

Tom Dye, The Safety Guy
Become a follower today and receive notifications of new content, as soon as it’s posted.If you enjoy this blog, Please tell your friends, family and co-workers. Post a link on Facebook,, Twitter, Google+, share it by email, or shout it from the rooftops, to unsuspecting passersby. Your support is genuinely appreciated.

If you spot any “absurd or misleading headlines”, leave a comment below with the EXACT headline wording as it originally appeared, and just maybe,

MARK IT ZERO: Man Accidentally Shoots Himself While Bowling

MARK IT ZERO: Man Accidentally Shoots Himself While Bowling.  ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME!!! You don’t even have to ask, of course this totally absurd incident happened right here in the great weird State of Florida.

God! I love this State!

So anyway, this poster child for gun control had a loaded revolver in his  pocket while bowling and the weapon fired when the man’s bowling ball brushed up against his pocket during his back swing. Seriously!!! What a freaking dumbs–t. This moron is obviously a really crappy bowler as well as a dumba-s.



Of course, being Tom Dye, the Safety Guy, I know all about guns, as well as lot’s of other esoteric knowledge. It was reported that this idiot had a loaded revolver in his pocket. Of course, you would definitely need a loaded revolver in your pocket during a night out of bowling, I mean seriously, who doesn’t go bowling without packing a concealed firearm right?

“His Bowling ball brushed against him, when he was in his back swing, which in turn triggered the revolver,” this was actually witnessed by another bowler nearby. Obviously, this half cocked dimwit, either had very large pockets, or a very, very, small gun. I am still trying to wrap my head around how this dumbs–t managed to pull off the stupidest gun accident in recent memory.

Let’s talk about revolvers for a minute, there are essentially two different types.  In a single-action revolver, the user pulls the hammer back with his free hand or thumb; the trigger pull only releases the hammer. In a double-action revolver, pulling the trigger moves the hammer back, then releases it.

So how in thew hell do you fire the gun just by brushing against it with your stupid a-s bowling ball. Is it possible that this balloon head actually had a loaded revolver in his pocket with the hammer in the cocked position? Is there anyone on the planet who would keep a revolver in his pants pocket with the hammer pulled back and ready to fire? Well, no one except for this dumba–s.

Looking Stupid

Looking Stupid

The gun fired and hit him in the leg. Frankly,  it should have shot him in the nuts just to teach him a lesson. We certainly don’t want stupid people like this breeding more stupid people. If we allow this to continue we will have people shooting themselves all the time while bowling. Eventually, we may all would need full body armor while bowling, just so we don’t get injured by stray bullets. You know, this may have just started a new variation of bowling. I can see it now; Duck n’ Roll Bowling. I might actually watch something like that on TV.

We really need to discuss the root cause of why this kind of absurd behavior regularly occurs with amateur bowlers. I know it’s the elephant in the room that nobody want’s to talk about, but we need to get this out in the open.

Of course, I have a theory. I am just going to come out and say it, IT’S THE F–KING BOWLING SHOES. Yes, it’s the stupid bowling shoes that are causing this self-destructive behavior and exacerbated by all the half-cocked, concealed weapon toting, moron’s all across the country.

Deadly Bowling Shoes

Deadly Bowling Shoes

Every time you go bowling, you have to rent a pair of the most butt ugly shoes known to man. On top of that, these same bowling shoes have been worn by tens of thousands of people prior to you since like 1959. I know, they supposedly sanitize these bowling shoes after each use, YEAH RIGHT! hitting them with a little spritz of some no name brand disinfectant after each use isn’t going to do s–t.

I believe that over the decades there is some sort of intelligent and definitely malevolent  mind altering fungus that grows inside these bowling shoes and under the right conditions it takes over the minds and bodies of the unsuspecting wearers of these deadly shoes. Seriously, think about all the absurd incidents you have read about, or seen on the news, about violent incidents that happen at bowling alleys across the country. They all have one common denominator, THE SHOES.

I know some of you have your own pet theories about what causes these absurd incidents at bowling alleys. I have heard them all and I can debunk all of them right now.

Bowling alleys serve alcohol –  Sure they do and so do bars and restaurants,  but you don’t hear about these type of absurd incidents happening at these establishments now do you? So, we can shoot that theory down right now.

Bowling is a stressful sport – First of all bowling is not a sport. If you mean that rolling a stupidly heavy round ball, usually in some sort of amazingly ugly color scheme and rolling it down an infinitely long narrow wood lane and somehow hitting some pins at the very far end is stressful, then maybe you need to find another activity to occupy your time. Bowling is certainly stupid, but stressful, I think not.

It’s the kind of people who are attracted to bowling – Maybe this theory has some very small grain of truth to it. Certainly rocket scientists are not bowlers, but then again some people can get sucked into doing anything. Nah, I am still sticking to my deadly, malevolent,  intelligent fungus theory, as that is the only common denominator in all of these absurd incidents.

I told You So!

I told You So!

So, what do we do to stop this menace to society? Obviously we should outlaw the stupid game we call bowling. I know it’s a pipe dream, so I guess we will have to go with plan “B”.

For God’s sake buy your own stupid bowling shoes. Seriously,  do you actually let every one of your friends and family and even complete strangers wear your regular shoes? I think not, at least I know I don’t.  Besides, have you ever seen those mutants hanging out at the bowling alley? Think about it, they were most likely the last ones wearing the same deadly fungus infested bowling shoes that you just rented a half an hour ago. If that doesn’t give you nightmares, I don’t know what will.

You could at the very least leave your guns at home dim wits. When was the last time terrorists attacked a bowling alley? After all, do you want to be the laughing-stock of the entire nation just like this moronic dimwit is right now? Hey, this guy made it into Profound Revelations – Tales of the Absurd, and believe me this is a pretty exclusive club. Maybe you should just sleep on it, I think with a nice cup of coffee and a clear head in the morning, you will end up agreeing with me.

Here’s a little parting gift that I think you will enjoy. This is a really cool music video by the band “Camper Van Beethoven” from 1985. It’s a really cool song called “Take the skinheads bowling” I hope you enjoy it.

Remember, don’t forget to go out and buy your own personal pair of stupid bowling shoes right away. Who knows maybe Walmart is even having a special sale on cheap Chinese made synthetic leather bowling shoes.


As always,

I am…

Tom Dye, The Safety Guy

Become a follower today and receive a notifications of new content as soon as it’s posted.
If you enjoy this blog, Please tell your friends, family and co-workers. Post a link on Facebook,, Twitter, Google+, share it by email, or shout it from the roof to unsuspecting passersby.Your support is genuinely appreciated.


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