Couple Charged In Alleged Chip-Dip Fight Over The Last Beer. First of all, I would like to apologize for being remiss in my duties to provide equal opportunity sarcasm and satire to everyone, not just to the people in the great weird State of Florida. I intend to rectify this oversight right now. This story was inspired by events that happened in Canada, yes, Canada, our good friends to the North. Sit down, grab a Molson, and relax.
To my friends in Canada, this one’s for you.
So…Canada, you canucks have been sitting up there freezing your a–es off, lurking around my blog, laughing at all the stories inspired by events in the Great weird State of Florida. You guys think your pretty smug, Eh? If this is an attempt to be more absurd then the great weird State if Florida, then you’re off damn good start.
Well, what the f–k is this s–t? A chip and dip fight, over the last beer. What, was it a Molson? Kokanee? Black Horse? It had better have been something worth fighting over, Eh!
So, as the story goes these two hosers, from Ontario, a 39 year old man and a 41 year old woman, got into a huge food fight and attacked each other over the last beer. Evidently, one of the hoser’s was armed with the dip and the other the chips. Both were hosed after an afternoon of drinking a two-four, (for everyone else this is Canadian slang for a 24 pack of beer) it was finally down to the very last beer. We all already know that this is going to end badly.
This was obviously a very one sided fight, as chips do not make anywhere near as good a weapon as dip is. Think about it? It’s a matter of simple physics. Here’s an experiment you can try at home. Try throwing a single chip and see how far it flies. It’s OK, I can wait, give it a try.
Did you see what I mean? Chips have very little mass, and because of their shape, only fly about as well as a single, unfolded, post-It note. The person would have to be sitting about two feet from you to be even remotely in the line of fire. Then unless you have some sort of severe allergy to salt or starch, it’s not going to hurt you in anyway.
Dip on the other hand, is a terrifyingly accurate weapon, and messy too. Scoop up a handful of dip and fling it at your intended target and Splat!! This is very similar to what monkeys do at the zoo to people who are harassing them. Except the monkeys don’t fling onion dip. I suppose if you managed to fling dip in both of your victims eye, you may be able to cause some real damage.
When the Canadian Mounted Police finally arrived at the scene on an early Friday morning after a long hard ride. They confronted the couple, who were covered in chips and dip. I’m not making this up, that’s what the article said, “When officers arrived, they found both people covered in chips and dip”.
Try to imagine that two people covered in chips and dip? What, do Canadians buy chips and dip in five gallon containers? It must have looked like someone that was tarred and feathered from the colonial days. If I was one of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police, I think I would have fallen off my horse from laughing so hard. I wonder if the horses got to feast on chips and dip? Do horses even eat chips and dip?
As it turns out the Mounties had ridden out to this same couples home on 15 different occasions for previous domestic disputes. I bet the Mountie’s horses already knew the way, all they had to do was point them in the right direction. There was no mention in the original article about previous altercations involving chips and dip. Oh well, after attacking each other with chips and dip the couple is facing charges for domestic violence, involving chips and dip, in the first degree.
You know Canada, there is only one thing you can do to save face in an absurd case like this. Yep. that’s right you have to immediately exile this couple to Florida. Obviously, this is where they belong, trust me they will fit right in. That’s right, chips and dip hosers, Take-Off!
Seriously, we won’t mind them coming to Florida at all. After all, we have a lot of experience with Canadian snowbirds, here in great weird State of Florida during the winter months. They can’t possibly drive any more poorly then the rest of you.
I am not trying to stereotype all Canadian drivers, as I obviously have not seen all Canadian drivers. My only experience with Canadian drivers are just the ones I have personally observed right here in Florida. You can tell that they are from Canada because they have Canadian plates on their cars. I have seen Canadian drivers here in Florida that are such bad drivers, that I can only imagine the vast trail of destruction leading all the way from Canada to Florida. I wonder how many people were killed or maimed along the way, just so they could spent the winter months in the warm weather.
Now that I think about it, I haven’t actually had much interaction with Canadians. Maybe when Canadians are visiting The United States, they just don’t talk about it. I don’t know why they wouldn’t, we are a pretty friendly bunch, at least the 25% of us who aren’t carrying concealed weapons, or the small percentage of right wing-nuts who might believe that the Canadian flag with the red maple leaf is actually some sort of secret communist symbol or something. Hmmm, maybe Canadians may be safer just keeping it to themselves.
Of course, everyone remembers how the right-wing-nut Republican Presidential & Vice Presidential contenders unfairly bashed Canada’s healthcare system in 2008 and 2012.
I tell you what, If Canada would agree to take former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin off our hands, and airwaves, I am pretty sure you would have this countries utmost respect and gratitude. You would certainly have mine. I bet I could even get Ben Affleck to rewrite his Academy Award winning movie, “Argo” to give Canada the credit they actually deserved for the success of the rescue mission. Please, please, think about it.
You know, you can’t really blame most Americans, for our total ignorance about what Canada and Canadians are really like. After all, for most Americans, the only things we know about Canada, came from; “South Park – the Movie”. In case you haven’t seen it, I have posted a video clip below, for your viewing and listening pleasure.
Before I start getting hate mail, I want to state unequivocally, that I don’t have anything against Canada, Canadian citizens, or anyone else in any other country for that matter.
Remember, you guys started it first, by posting a headline that was so absurd, it was just begging for my attention.
But, if you take me up on my offer to take Sarah Palin off our hands and airwaves, I will certainly work my very best to get Canada’s good name restored, once and for all.
OK, you win….For the love of God, Please, Please, I am begging you!!!!!
Tom Dye, The Safety Guy