PROFOUND REVELATIONS

Tales oF the Absurd, Original Satire, Politics & News Commentary

The Complete Guide On How To Create Your Own Alternative Facts For Fun & Profit

The Complete Guide On How To Create Your Own Alternative Facts For Fun & Profit

This tutorial will have you on way creating your own “Alternative Facts” in no time, and never be accused of lying again.

Part One – The History of Alternative Facts

The term “alternative facts” was first coined by Kellyanne Conway, President Trump’s Counselor to the President on NBC’s, Meet The Press with Chuck Todd.

Kellyanne Conway

After being grilled by Chuck Todd on Trump’s Press Secretary lying about the size of the inauguration crowd. Spicer, and Trump insisted on Saturday that the crowds were the biggest ever and, even commented that the crowds went all the way back to the Washington Monument.

Spicer went on to claim that this was the biggest audience to ever witness an inauguration – Period – both in person and around the globe. These statements, as well as many others, caused a huge uproar with the media. 

The problem was, these statements were demonstrably false, as well as easily verifiable. The evidence was clear not only from photographs taken during the inauguration but D.C. Metro ride numbers as well.Most of Spicers, other statements were blatantly false as well. 

Nothing special about that right? Enter Kellyanne Conway, the creator of the alternative facts narrative. Conway was a guest on Meet The Press with Chuck Todd on January 22, 2016. This was the moment that the alternative facts narrative was born.

Conway skillfully used every tool in her arsenal and successfully deflected every single question while creating an entirely new narrative or alternate facts to support her case.

These are the skills and techniques that you are going to learn in this complete guide to creating successful alternative facts that you can use for not only fun but profit as well. I strongly suggest that you pay close attention to the master at work.

As you noticed, as Chuck Todd accused Kellyanne Conway of lying, Conway fired back, deflected every question and finally ended with a veiled threat against the media and stated that Spicer was just giving “Alternative Facts” in regards to the crowd size.This was genius.

Part Two – What Are Alternative Facts?

In order for you to use “Alternative Facts” correctly and with conviction you need to understand the word definitions.

According to the dictionary, the words can be defined as:

Alternativea choice limited to one of two or more possibilities

Facts – a truth known by actual experience or observation; something known to be true

You see, you now we have a way to not let those pesky facts get in the way of your own reality. This guide will teach you how to create your own”Alternative Facts” and never be accused of lying again.

Part Three – How to use Alternative Facts to your advantage in your personal and work life.

There are certain key rules for “Alternative Facts” that must be adhered to in order for you to successfully create your own fact-free reality:

  1. No matter what the actual facts are, whether it be video, audio recordings, historical records or even what others can actually see or hear for themselves, once you claim “Alternative Facts” you can never, ever walk back on your alternative fact claims, not now, not ever. Doing so would severely damage your credibility.
  2. Repetition is critically important, I can’t stress this enough. The more you repeat your alternative facts, the more they intrude into the reality of others. Eventually, your alternative facts are everyone else’s facts as well.
  3. If anyone, ever challenges you on your alternative facts whether it is the media, coworkers, friends, family, etc. IMMEDIATELY GO ON THE ATTACK! Accuse them of bias, disrespect, ignorance; threaten retaliation, whatever it takes. Deflect every question they ask no matter how reasonable or rational it may be. Do not listen! Shut down the person challenging your alternative facts, and walk away.  Mock outrage is also an extremely useful deflective tool; however, it is also extremely difficult to master.
  4. Find others who agree with your alternative facts. It is always easier in the alternative universe when others agree with you and who are willing to back you up. As the old adage goes, there is safety in numbers. The internet and especially Facebook, can be quite useful in recruiting like-minded allies. Use these allies to your advantage. Note: It is always important to remember, that if you can adjust your alternative facts narrative closer to conspiracy theory territory, you will maximize your alternative fact believer, which of course creates maximum impact as well as mass credibility.
  5. Always remember that you have to absolutely believe that you are right and everybody else is wrong. That is unless they agree with you of course.
  6. Practice. Practice, Practice. I highly recommend that you watch Donald Trump and Kellyanne Conway in action. There is lots of video of both of them in action. Attacking, deflecting and of course their judicious use of alternative facts.

For those of you willing to practice advanced deflection techniques such as mock outrage, I highly recommend Marco Rubio or Ted Cruz videos from the 2016 Republican debates. Just be forewarned Ted Cruz is a master at mock outrage and very few others have the ability to rise to his level of ability.  

Note: I would begin first with Marco Rubio videos as he is at an intermediate skill level for mock outrage. if you master that then move up to the Ted Cruze master class mock outrage.

Part Four – What Alternative Facts are not.

I have been asked by several people, “Isn’t “Plausible Deniability” the same as Alternative Facts?

That’s a very good question and the simple answer is no. Plausible deniability is an entirely different tool altogether. However, in some extremely advanced uses, both may be used together to spin a plausible narrative.

Per Wikipedia, Plausible Deniability is defined as:

The ability for persons (typically senior officials in a formal or informal chain of command) to deny knowledge of or responsibility for any damnable actions committed by others (usually subordinates in an organizational hierarchy) because of a lack of evidence that can confirm their participation, even if they were personally involved in or at least willfully ignorant of the actions. In the case that illegal or otherwise disreputable and unpopular activities become public, high-ranking officials may deny any awareness of such acts in order to insulate themselves and shift blame onto the agents who carried out the acts, as they are confident that their doubters will be unable to prove otherwise. The lack of evidence to the contrary ostensibly makes the denial plausible, that is, credible, although sometimes it merely makes it unactionable. The term typically implies forethought, such as intentionally setting up the conditions to plausibly avoid responsibility for one’s (future) actions or knowledge. In some organizations, legal doctrines such as command responsibility exist to hold major parties responsible for the actions of subordinates involved in heinous acts and nullify any legal protection that their denial of involvement would carry”

As you can clearly see, Plausible Deniability is a very important tool, especially if you are a politician, career civil servant, diplomat, high-ranking member of the military, or high-level corporate executive. This is also a very advanced tool to use, and if used correctly, nobody knows or suspects that it was ever used at all.

By itself, Plausible Deniability is a somewhat limited purpose tool. However, those who are expert at both, alternative facts and plausible deniability, are extremely successful in their fields of expertise.

You are far better off just sticking to alternative facts as it’s a far more useful multi-purpose tool that you can use every day and get great results.

 

As Always

I Am…..

Tom Dye, The Safety Guy

This news commentary is an original work of satire by Tom Dye, The Safety Guy

Previous

Yes, Beer Yoga, REALLY Is A Thing!

Next

Florida Man Claims His Pants Took Off Running By Themselves

1 Comment

  1. Alison James

    The best yet!

Well, What do you think?

Powered by WordPress & Theme by Anders Norén

%d bloggers like this: