Tales oF the Absurd, Original Satire, Politics & News Commentary

Tag: alternative facts

I Didn’t Mean To Lie, But I Did Anyway!

I Didn’t Mean To Lie, But I Did Anyway!

One of my Facebook friends recently posted a yet seemingly simple, but ultimately complex question. “Can any of my genius friends explain to me what, “I didn’t MEAN to lie” means? I’m kinda lost”

Actually, this is a really interesting question. Of course this begs the question, Why do people lie anyway? and who the hell cares?

One of the most interesting replies to her question was, “I didn’t mean for you to pay attention to the details of what I said….so as I was storytelling some extra colorful (and fictitious) portions were added. I then repeated it to myself enough times that I came to believe my fabricated version, thus it became MY truth, and therefore, when conveyed to you I believed it as fact. So, I may have TECHNICALLY lied, but it was an accident”

Now, this is a perfect explanation of the type of lies that your average Trumpian Republican politician tells us on a daily basis. You know who I’m talking about, Sean Spicer, Kellyanne Conway, Paul Ryan, and Donald Trump and a host of other Trump minions.

Here’s a fun fact. Did you know that Kellyanne Conway was the very first person who while in the middle of lying on the air (During Meet the Press) actually coined the term “Alternative Facts” to justify her lies? Yes it’s true.

I find these type of lies to be more entertainment than lies. Turn on the Sunday news shows when they have Trump surrogates, break out the popcorn and beer. Who the hell cares that these shows start at 9:00 AM, alcohol is definitely called for. I mean seriously, you have to suspend reality as much as possible to actually listen to these people.

I will say that Sean Spicer has a lot more fortitude than me. Just imagine, this guy goes out in front of the White House press corp every single day and lies his ass off. I am not talking about those kind of lies that anybody can confirm, or even care about.

Like when someone asks how you got that scar on your arm and you relate how when you were in the 3rd grade the neighbor’s German Shepard dog, Rex, got out of his yard and attacked you. When in reality you were jealous of  your Grandmothers beloved miniature Chihuahua, Tinkerbell, and kept pulling it’s tail when it was sleeping, and it turned around and bit you with those little needle teeth. And furthermore, you fucking deserved it because you were just a little brat who exhibited animal cruelty from an early age. You may have grown up to be  a serial killer as far as I know.

But, I digress…

Sean Spicer is forced to go out everyday on the international stage and lies through his teeth about issues that everyone knows he’s lying about. You don’t even have to Google it, it’s that obvious. And, he even says them with a straight face.

I mean seriously, the only people who actually believe his word vomit are the uneducated and deplorable Trump supporters. Everyone else, not so much. Actually, not at all.

Now, if that was me, I would snap after the second or third time that Trump sent me out there to lie like that. Seriously, Suddenly without warning I would just snap and say, Fuck It! I’m outta here.  Anything you want to know about the lying motherfucker Donald Trump, nows the time as I’m pretty sure that we have about two minutes before I’m escorted out of the building. I’m available for exclusive interviews starting tomorrow. Fuck You Trump, and I hope you rot in hell. (Mic Drop!!!)

At least my conscience would be clear, I’d do it in a heartbeat and never look back. Besides, I figure that would increase my 15 minutes of fame to at least 30-45 minutes, Maybe an hour, if I played my cards right.

Of course, there are different magnitudes of lying. Some forms of lying may be appropriate some are not. If your spouse asks you something you should always tell the truth as that’s what relationships are based upon, telling the truth. Honesty is always the best policy when it comes to your loved ones.

Certainly, people lie about why they can’t make it into work, on a Monday morning when they are too hung over to get out of bed. People also tell “White Lies” to make people feel better about themselves or others.

People lie about their past, their relationships, what they did over the weekend and a multitude of other reasons. People lie about their motivations, to increase their status wits with coworkers, bosses, friends and even complete strangers.

There is on situation where lying is expected, as a matter of fact, it’s actually protocol to do so. When you arrive at work and you greet your co-workers and ask them, How are you doing?” it is expected that they say something like, good, or OK, or some other affirmative response. Never, is it OK for them to stop and start telling you about how their dog died, their Uncle passed away, or describe any other tragedy before you have even had a chance to finish your coffee yet.

We should take with a grain of salt anything anyone tells us, not because that they are lying, but because their perceived reality may be different from our own. That’s just how life is.

Personally, I have always believed that honesty is the best policy as I never have to keep track of what I have told one person vs. another. It certainly makes life easier for me, anyway.

So how did I respond to my friend’s Facebook post? I replied, ” It mean’s that they are lying about lying, but their still lying when they say that they didn’t mean it about lying”.

You see, as a writer I lie all the time, As a matter of fact I’m lying right now.


As Always,

I Am…..

Thomas Dyson

This life commentary is an original work of satire by Thomas Dyson. If you enjoyed this article or others on please consider becoming a subscriber, it’s free. You will be the first to know when new articles are published. Rest assured we don’t use your email address for anything else. Feel free to share this article or others far and wide on your social media circles or shout it from the rooftops.  Your comments or suggestions are always welcome here. 


Some Of The Things I Think About All The Time…..

Some Of The Things I Think About All The Time…..

I want to make one thing perfectly clear right off the bat, I am an enigma, and believe it or not, a vast amount of people consider me to be a world-renowned scholar of esoteric knowledge, I contemplate things that many would not or could not dare to think about.

Being a scholar of esoteric knowledge I have lived my entire life based on the profound wisdom of John Houseman, who once said,  ” A wise man believes only in lies, trusts only the absurd and learns to expect the unexpected” 

So, because of all this, I find myself thinking about a lot of things that most people probably haven’t even considered thinking about before.  I am going to share a few of these thoughts with you to see what you think. Feel free to comment on any one of (or all) these profound revelations.

Please remember all these opinions are mine, and mine alone, and are not meant to disrespect anyone’s personal beliefs or philosophy in life. If you are offended, by my opinions and my beliefs then you should stop reading this article right now.

Life & Death

The Afterlife

I hear religious people all the time talking about the glorious afterlife they’re going to have after death. Really? How do you know that? What if you’re wrong? Just saying.   I know one thing for certain, believe me, I have thought about this a lot.  “Life is a sure thing, and death is definitely to uncertain for my liking”.  I equate this to someone who is relying on winning the lottery as their retirement plan., the odds are totally against you. You may want to have a plan B,  just in case Plan A, doesn’t work out

I don’t know about you, but not one person that I have ever known, or even ever heard of that had died, has ever come back, appeared to me, came to me in a dream, or anything else for that matter, and extolled the virtues of being dead, and how awesome the afterlife is, and encouraged me to try it for myself.

Think about that for a moment.  Although, I have had living people tell me that I should just die, or that I should just kill myself.  Obviously, I didn’t listen to them and don’t plan to, not now and not ever.

I know exactly what some of you are thinking right about now. “You have to have faith and you have to believe with all your heart”. OK, I get that. I have heard this literally uncountable times before.

Here is something to consider, I had a good really good friend Brad, (who by the way has also passed away, and has also never tried to contact me from beyond the grave either). Anyway, Brad believed with his entire being that aliens would never allow a nuclear war to occur between nations on Earth and they would immediately intervene if one was imminent.  He had absolute unshakable faith in this and believed it with all his heart.

I know this first hand, as Brad and me, discussed this topic on numerous occasions. Brad never wavered in his belief, or for that matter ever produced any kind of proof, or any kind of evidence that this was actually the case, not an alien manifesto, or any proof at all. I personally thought that this was not something that I would want to rely on in the brink of a nuclear war.

I had serious concerns, what if the unspecified aliens were on vacation, stuck in trans-galactic traffic, or were asleep when a nuclear war on earth started. I mentioned my concerns to Brad, and he was still supremely confident and absolutely believed that the aliens would intervene and that I was foolish to be concerned at all.

So who’s right? and who’s wrong? That’s the part I am still contemplating.

Did you know that 80% of Evangelical Christians voted for Donald Trump?  I would be really interested in knowing how anyone could possibly unite, or find common ground between these two opposing forces. I do know that I can’t seem to wrap my head around this one, no matter how much I think about it.

According to evangelical Christianity, If an atheist lived a good life, helped the poor and disadvantaged, did not lie, cheat, steal, or kill, essentially lived a good upstanding life by any measure but somehow failed to accept Jesus Christ before his/her death, they would be condemned to hell.

However, if Charles Manson, Adolf Hitler, or Ted Bundy, did accept Jesus Christ and ask for forgiveness before their deaths, they would all go to heaven. I am sorry but this just sounds absurd.


Scientology was invented by L. Ron Hubbard, a somewhat well-known “Science Fiction author”. 

According to “Scientologists believe that people are immortal alien beings (called thetans) who have forgotten their true nature and are trapped on earth in a human body. Scientologists believe that each thetan has lived numerous past lives, both on earth in our physical bodies, and on other planets. Scientologists also believe that by undergoing a series of classes and teachings (called auditing by the church), people can free themselves of their human form and reclaim their true selves.

Seriously? I think I’ve read the book and it ends badly for your bank account.

Here’s what I believe,  as the great philosopher Forrest Gump once said, “Stupid is what stupid does” and “That’s all I have to say about that”.



People generally agree that the discovery of “Gravity” is one of the most fundamentally important discoveries of all time. First, Issac Newton, but he was wrong, and then Albert Einstein finally described the fundamental concept of “Gravity” as we know it today.

I want to put forth the idea that this was actually not as big a deal as people make it out to be. You see, gravity is always there, even on holidays, overnight, and the weekends. Someone would have discovered gravity sooner or later anyway.  Seriously this seems pretty obvious to me.

Climate Change

99.9% of scientists and scientific bodies around the world tell us that climate change is real and is being caused by mankind because of our industrial activities. I accept their findings. After all, I am not a climate scientist.

The part of climate change that I to contemplate is the thinking of those who deny it’s real. Virtually all climate change deniers start their denial with, “I am not a scientist, but…..”

That’s right you are not a scientist Bozo, so who are you to refute them with your own bullshit. Donald Trump says that climate change is a hoax perpetrated by the Chinese. What????

Sarah Palin is another climate change denier, so that should tell you everything you need to know.

Personally, I’m with the scientists on this one.


Discovering America

When I went to school they taught us that Christopher Columbus discovered America. No, he did not! The Americas were always there. Columbus was actually sailing for the West Indies, but being the really piss poor sailor that he was, he made a wrong turn and ran right smack into America. So, Christopher “Wrong Way”Columbus made a wrong turn, and somehow “discovered” something that was there all along. I mean seriously, it’s not like you could miss it or anything. Columbus was way, way, overrated. Not to mention the fact that he was an asshole, and a slaver.

Hell, the way I see it, “Gilligans  Island” had a more believable plotline than Christopher Columbus discovering America.


Aliens (Extraterrestrial Life)

I have been thinking about this for a very long time now. When I talk about aliens I am referring to the kind from another planet, not to be confused with undocumented people from one country living in another country without permission.

We seem to have two kinds of supposed alien visitations. The first type is where alien beings visit some poor uneducated fool named Billy Bob in the middle of nowhere, abduct him against his will give him some sort of inexplicable anal probe, release him and go on their merry way.

This makes no sense on several levels. How many anal probes would alien beings require from human beings? and what would be the ultimate purpose?

I would think that if alien beings wanted to reveal themselves to Earth they most likely would not appear to Billy Bob in the middle of nowhere, they would be a lot more effective landing at Central Park in NYC, at noon on a Saturday, where thousands of people would see them. Not to mention the fact that this would be a lot better place to gather their anal probe data as they could collect hundreds at once. I would be willing to bet that they could find several people who would even volunteer for anal probing.

The other type of alien sighting consists of either coloured lights in the night sky or supposed video of some sort of alien craft just buzzing the Earth. I often wonder if aliens just buzz the planet just to fuck with us for fun?

According to the theory of Occam’s razor, with two facts being equal, the simplest explanation is usually the correct one.

Unidentified lights in the sky, or (usually fuzzy images) of unusually shaped craft flying over someplace seems like a stretch from other more simple explanations.

I do believe that considering that there are literally billions of planets and galaxies out there that there is certainly a great probability that there are other forms of life somewhere in the universe. Don’t get me wrong, I certainly do not have any proof to support this belief, this is just a very strong statistical probability.

Here’s something to contemplate. I am going to science the shit out of this one, so hang on. The closest star (another sun) from Earth is 4.24 light years away. It is a binary star system and Faint Proxima Centauri is the closest one.

A light-year is a distance that light travels in one year. According to Einstein’s Theory of Relativity – E = mc2   this equates to 186,000 miles per second. To put this into perspective that means that if you could travel the speed of light, it would mean that you could travel from Earth to the Moon in 1.3 seconds. Also, according to the Einstein’s relativity, one cannot travel at, or faster than the speed of light.

So, by the laws of physics, as we understand it, travelling at .99% the speed of light, it would take an alien race sometime more than 4.24 years each way just to reach Earth. Of course, because of time dilation, they would only experience a trip of only about 14 days, while 4.24 years would have passed on Faint Proxima Centauri.

So, ignoring pesky things like having to slow down, orbital mechanics, and everything else, If aliens left Faint Proxima Centauri at,99% the speed of light somehow slingshot around the Earth and go right back home. These alien astronauts would have aged only about 24 days while everyone else on their planet would have aged 8.48 years. BAM! Mic drop!

What that means is either extraterrestrial aliens have either discovered other laws of physics and technologies that we don’t have any understanding or comprehension of, which is not beyond the realm of possibility, or it could be that we are just separated by too vast distances to ever meet or have any meaningful communication.

Let’s just imagine for a moment that an alien culture only 4.24 light years away sent us a modulated communication by a powerful laser. Assuming that we could even understand the message, and answer it right away, the message would take 4,24 years to get here and another 4.24 more years before they got our response. Just saying hello to each other would take 8.48 years. A generation would have lived and died before any sort of meaningful communication would have occurred.

I am going to be thinking about this one for quite a long time.

Our own solar system is vast. For all the science geeks out there like me here is a fascinating video that illustrates, in real-time, the journey of a photon of light emitted from the surface of the sun and travelling across a portion of our solar system, from a human perspective.


Fake News and Alternative Facts

This is one area where I attempt to contemplate some sort of meaning but somehow I always fail miserably. Although that doesn’t stop me from trying.

Did you know that pollsters recently did a survey where they talked to lots of people and presented them with a conspiracy theory without any basis in fact or offering any proof and a full 33% of the people believed them without question?

What the fuck is wrong with these people? Whatever happened to critical thinking? What I find interesting is how the 33% of the people who obviously believes anything, without proof or basis, in fact, or reality, is about the same percentage of people who voted for Donald Trump.

Is this a coincidence? Who knows. Although I believe that there is a strong probability that this is actually the case that 33% of the people are actually morons who will believe anything, without proof, or facts, no matter how absurd it might be.

I actually had a friend tell me recently that Breitbart news was going to be the “new” New York Times.  Are you fucking kidding me? The New York Times is a Pulitzer prize winning news source. Breitbart news, not so much.

Donald trump recently tweeted that NY Times, NBC, ABC, MSNBC and CNN News are enemies of the American People. This is incredibly dangerous and is certainly just Trump’s propaganda. Just because mainstream news organisations report his own words or report actual news that is critical of him or his policies does not make them enemies of the American people it just makes them news organisations doing their jobs as journalists.

Conversely, if the mainstream news organisations mentioned above are enemies of the American people, then that would infer that biased or outright fake news sites e.g.- FOX News, Breitbart, Infowars, or the Drudge Report are not. Sadly, people actually buy into these alternative facts.

The main issue that I try to contemplate is why? Another important question is why do people vote against their own interests?

I listen to NPR three hours per day, read the Huffington Post, CNN, MSNBC, ABC News, CBS News, NBC News, Bloomberg, NY Times, Washington Post,and Politico every day to try to get a good understanding of events and to try see if there is a consensus regarding the day’s news events. Notice that the common thread between all of these news sites is that they are all award-winning mainstream news sources.

I am still stunned when I wear my NPR tee-shirt that Trump supporters will point to it and say that NPR is a liberal news organisation. Seriously??? NPR is about as fair and balanced as you can get and they always present both sides in every news story they produce, and furthermore, NPR doe’s not provide any sort of commentary one way or the other, they present the facts from both sides and leave it up to you to decide for yourself where you stand on the issues at hand. Isn’t this what real journalism is all about?

Since when did NPR suddenly become the enemy, or somehow become a liberal news source? They haven’t, and I can’t imagine that they ever will be.

Thomas Jefferson once said, “Democracy is founded upon a well-educated population” He was right then, and he is, even more, right today. The internet and fake news sources have enabled people to validate their own beliefs regardless if they are true or not.

I get it, It is really hard for some people to change their belief systems when confronted with indisputable facts to the contrary. However, as human beings, this is how life is. The real truth of reality is not what you want it, or believe it to be. Reality is what it is, and will find a way to reassert itself with a vengeance the longer it is denied. There is only one truth no matter what you may personally believe.

One thing that I am absolutely certain of, there are no “alternative facts” only facts. There is only one truth, it is only true, or not true. The sooner we all realise this the better off we will all be.

The sooner you realise this fundamental truth about reality, the sooner you will learn to become a thinking human being.

As for the rest of this stuff, I will keep contemplating it so you don’t have to.

Some of my other important contemplations that I am still working on include, why is it that a USB connector is designed to only go in one way, but you have to flip it around three times before it finally goes in? and why is it that they keep looking for Big Foot, but never seem to find one, either living or dead?


As Always,

I Am…..

Thomas Dyson


This article is an original work of satire and is based on actual news events. Become a follower today to be one of the first to be notified when new articles are posted. Share this article with all your friends on social media or just shout it from the rooftops. 


The Complete Guide On How To Create Your Own Alternative Facts For Fun & Profit

The Complete Guide On How To Create Your Own Alternative Facts For Fun & Profit

This tutorial will have you on way creating your own “Alternative Facts” in no time, and never be accused of lying again.

Part One – The History of Alternative Facts

The term “alternative facts” was first coined by Kellyanne Conway, President Trump’s Counselor to the President on NBC’s, Meet The Press with Chuck Todd.

Kellyanne Conway

After being grilled by Chuck Todd on Trump’s Press Secretary lying about the size of the inauguration crowd. Spicer, and Trump insisted on Saturday that the crowds were the biggest ever and, even commented that the crowds went all the way back to the Washington Monument.

Spicer went on to claim that this was the biggest audience to ever witness an inauguration – Period – both in person and around the globe. These statements, as well as many others, caused a huge uproar with the media. 

The problem was, these statements were demonstrably false, as well as easily verifiable. The evidence was clear not only from photographs taken during the inauguration but D.C. Metro ride numbers as well.Most of Spicers, other statements were blatantly false as well. 

Nothing special about that right? Enter Kellyanne Conway, the creator of the alternative facts narrative. Conway was a guest on Meet The Press with Chuck Todd on January 22, 2016. This was the moment that the alternative facts narrative was born.

Conway skillfully used every tool in her arsenal and successfully deflected every single question while creating an entirely new narrative or alternate facts to support her case.

These are the skills and techniques that you are going to learn in this complete guide to creating successful alternative facts that you can use for not only fun but profit as well. I strongly suggest that you pay close attention to the master at work.

As you noticed, as Chuck Todd accused Kellyanne Conway of lying, Conway fired back, deflected every question and finally ended with a veiled threat against the media and stated that Spicer was just giving “Alternative Facts” in regards to the crowd size.This was genius.

Part Two – What Are Alternative Facts?

In order for you to use “Alternative Facts” correctly and with conviction you need to understand the word definitions.

According to the dictionary, the words can be defined as:

Alternativea choice limited to one of two or more possibilities

Facts – a truth known by actual experience or observation; something known to be true

You see, you now we have a way to not let those pesky facts get in the way of your own reality. This guide will teach you how to create your own”Alternative Facts” and never be accused of lying again.

Part Three – How to use Alternative Facts to your advantage in your personal and work life.

There are certain key rules for “Alternative Facts” that must be adhered to in order for you to successfully create your own fact-free reality:

  1. No matter what the actual facts are, whether it be video, audio recordings, historical records or even what others can actually see or hear for themselves, once you claim “Alternative Facts” you can never, ever walk back on your alternative fact claims, not now, not ever. Doing so would severely damage your credibility.
  2. Repetition is critically important, I can’t stress this enough. The more you repeat your alternative facts, the more they intrude into the reality of others. Eventually, your alternative facts are everyone else’s facts as well.
  3. If anyone, ever challenges you on your alternative facts whether it is the media, coworkers, friends, family, etc. IMMEDIATELY GO ON THE ATTACK! Accuse them of bias, disrespect, ignorance; threaten retaliation, whatever it takes. Deflect every question they ask no matter how reasonable or rational it may be. Do not listen! Shut down the person challenging your alternative facts, and walk away.  Mock outrage is also an extremely useful deflective tool; however, it is also extremely difficult to master.
  4. Find others who agree with your alternative facts. It is always easier in the alternative universe when others agree with you and who are willing to back you up. As the old adage goes, there is safety in numbers. The internet and especially Facebook, can be quite useful in recruiting like-minded allies. Use these allies to your advantage. Note: It is always important to remember, that if you can adjust your alternative facts narrative closer to conspiracy theory territory, you will maximize your alternative fact believer, which of course creates maximum impact as well as mass credibility.
  5. Always remember that you have to absolutely believe that you are right and everybody else is wrong. That is unless they agree with you of course.
  6. Practice. Practice, Practice. I highly recommend that you watch Donald Trump and Kellyanne Conway in action. There is lots of video of both of them in action. Attacking, deflecting and of course their judicious use of alternative facts.

For those of you willing to practice advanced deflection techniques such as mock outrage, I highly recommend Marco Rubio or Ted Cruz videos from the 2016 Republican debates. Just be forewarned Ted Cruz is a master at mock outrage and very few others have the ability to rise to his level of ability.  

Note: I would begin first with Marco Rubio videos as he is at an intermediate skill level for mock outrage. if you master that then move up to the Ted Cruze master class mock outrage.

Part Four – What Alternative Facts are not.

I have been asked by several people, “Isn’t “Plausible Deniability” the same as Alternative Facts?

That’s a very good question and the simple answer is no. Plausible deniability is an entirely different tool altogether. However, in some extremely advanced uses, both may be used together to spin a plausible narrative.

Per Wikipedia, Plausible Deniability is defined as:

The ability for persons (typically senior officials in a formal or informal chain of command) to deny knowledge of or responsibility for any damnable actions committed by others (usually subordinates in an organizational hierarchy) because of a lack of evidence that can confirm their participation, even if they were personally involved in or at least willfully ignorant of the actions. In the case that illegal or otherwise disreputable and unpopular activities become public, high-ranking officials may deny any awareness of such acts in order to insulate themselves and shift blame onto the agents who carried out the acts, as they are confident that their doubters will be unable to prove otherwise. The lack of evidence to the contrary ostensibly makes the denial plausible, that is, credible, although sometimes it merely makes it unactionable. The term typically implies forethought, such as intentionally setting up the conditions to plausibly avoid responsibility for one’s (future) actions or knowledge. In some organizations, legal doctrines such as command responsibility exist to hold major parties responsible for the actions of subordinates involved in heinous acts and nullify any legal protection that their denial of involvement would carry”

As you can clearly see, Plausible Deniability is a very important tool, especially if you are a politician, career civil servant, diplomat, high-ranking member of the military, or high-level corporate executive. This is also a very advanced tool to use, and if used correctly, nobody knows or suspects that it was ever used at all.

By itself, Plausible Deniability is a somewhat limited purpose tool. However, those who are expert at both, alternative facts and plausible deniability, are extremely successful in their fields of expertise.

You are far better off just sticking to alternative facts as it’s a far more useful multi-purpose tool that you can use every day and get great results.


As Always

I Am…..

Tom Dye, The Safety Guy

This news commentary is an original work of satire by Tom Dye, The Safety Guy

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