PROFOUND REVELATIONS

Tales oF the Absurd, Original Satire, Politics, Religion & News Commentary

Tag: weird florida news

Man Allegedly Drives Drunk Inside Walmart

By

On November 26, 2016

In Satire, Stories about Drunks, Tales of the Absurd

Man Allegedly Drives Drunk Inside Walmart

Of course, this incident happened in the great weird State of Florida. And the best thing is, it happened only a couple of miles from my house.

I was certainly not shocked to learn that this incident happened in Florida, and I was very pleasantly surprised that this happened very close by. I’m sure that everyone already knows about the absurd things that happen at Walmart stores. There are even numerous websites that specifically document and catalog the bizarre customers who frequent Walmart.

You see, all kinds of shall we say “unique people” shop at Walmart. I am personally not a big fan of shopping at Walmart for several reasons. If I am forced to have to go to Walmart, I always go only during the daylight hours. I also zip in, and zip right out, as fast as humanly possible.

You have to understand, the mutants, zombies, freaks, wing-nuts, and criminals, only shop at Walmart at night. From what I’ve heard, the later the hour, the more bizarre it gets. Whatever the case, I am not taking any chances. When the sun starts to go down, I am outta there.

This particular incident happened at 9:00 PM, on a Sunday night, so I was certainly not at this particular Walmart, or any Walmart for that matter. I was safe at home.

Important Safety Tip: If you have to go to Walmart, never, ever, go after dark.

This wing-nut, a transient actually was driving around inside the store on one of those motorized shopping carts. You know the type. They have a maximum speed of like three miles an hour. An elderly person with a cane, can usually out-run one of these things. Usually, you see really “excessively weighted” people driving them, instead of walking through the mammoth Walmart stores. Anyway, this guy was not elderly or obese, he was just an average sized guy, by his picture he looks to be about 45-50 years old.

Apparently, Mr. drunk driving, motorized shopping cart guy, grabbed a beer off the shelf, popped it open, and proceeded to drink it, while drunkenly weaving his way randomly through the store. During his rampage and campaign of terror, he was knocking items off the shelves all throughout the store.

You know, I actually wish I was there to see that. It would have been worth the risk to venture out to Walmart after dark to see the spectacle. Just imagine the sheer mayhem as the mutants and freaks were running for their lives and diving for cover, glass breaking and items falling from the shelves and rolling across the floor. Not to mention the rivers of spaghetti sauce, juice, and other unidentified liquids flowing through the aisles, out the doors, and across the parking lot.  it must have been just like a retail Armageddon.

Just think, all this terror and destruction caused by one drunk guy, drinking a beer while erratically driving an electric shopping cart with a top speed of three miles an hour.  An electric shopping cart very similar to the ones below….
Exhibit – A

We all know what happened next, as the local Police Department received dozens of frantic 911 calls from terrified shoppers. Law Enforcement Officers arrived at the crime scene shortly thereafter, and in force. I can say this with some authority, as I live in the very same town. A small town with very little crime and an excessively large Police Force for the population density. Not only that my friends, we also have the Sheriff’s Department as well. I can just imagine the chaos….
.
Since there is not much action in this small town, this would be a really, really, big deal. I am certain that there was something like 26 Police and Sheriff’s cars haphazardly parked in front of the store, lights flashing, radios crackling with orders.

While all these Law Enforcement  Officers converged upon Mr. drunk driving, motorized shopping cart guy,  the S.W.A.T Team was guarding the entrances with their assault weapons drawn, ordering the freaks, mutants, and yes, even normal shoppers, running out of the store in terror, (all the while slipping and falling in the river of slippery spaghetti sauce and other liquids flowing out the doors), to keep their hands up and keep moving.

 

I am absolutely certain that the Police efficiently removed all those terrified shoppers quickly and efficiently, to a safe and secure location.

You can also be certain that the Walmart checkout cashiers set up portable cash registers, to make sure that everyone paid for their purchases.

I didn’t hear of any casualties, so my hat’s off, to all the highly skilled Law Enforcement Officers who prevented an even worse tragedy.

Just imagine the scene as swarms of Police Officers and Sheriff’s Deputies streamed into the store, a plan was quickly devised to block some of the aisle’s with long trains of shopping carts and then herd the deranged drunk motorized shopping cart driver into one of the blocked aisles. The brilliant plan worked and the drunk driver was corralled in and arrested without further incident.

I have to commend the overworked and underpaid Walmart workers, for working hard to have the store open on time, the very next day. After the Police were finished impounding the electric shopping cart for evidence, taking 267 photographs, from every possible angle, videotaping the path of destruction, reviewing the store’s surveillance tapes and using whatever Cop equipment that they had lying around the Police Station, dusty and unused, for the last few years, it must have given the Walmart workers only a few short hours to clean up the huge mess.The store opened on time and on schedule, it looked like nothing had ever happened.

Ultimately, this drunken wing-nut told the Police that he was a transient and that he did not have money to pay for the alcohol. He was arrested on charges of disorderly intoxication and retail theft. Because he has been arrested twice before for retail theft, this arrest was a felony.

Once again, because of the skills and bravery, of our dedicated men, and women, of Law Enforcement, our world is a safer place.

As always,

I am…

Tom Dye, The Safety Guy

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Cops: Burglar Tries To Disguise Self As The Sun:

By

On August 11, 2016

In Tales of the Absurd

Cops: Burglar Tries To Disguise Self As The Sun, Like this was a bright idea. Well, this goes without saying, obviously this happened in the great weird, State of Florida. The more absurd the story, the more likely it happened in Florida. Don’t get me wrong, I am certainly not complaining, Florida supplies me with inspiration for an endless supply of absurd stories.

You are not going to believe this, this dim-wit, burglarized a private home and proceeded to steal a towel. The arrest report actually stated that this dork; “did unlawfully deprive the owner of the use of the towel.”

This shining star broke into a house and apparently the only thing he could find worth stealing was a common, run-of-the-mill bath towel, that and nothing else. This turned out to be a very serious mistake.

Everyone knows how important towels are. This was even discussed in great detail in, “The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy.”  If you were to change the name of this classic work to “The Hitchhikers Guide to Florida,”  it would pretty much sum things pretty nicely. – “A towel, is about the most massively useful thing an interstellar hitchhiker can have. Partly it has great practical value. You can wrap it around you for warmth as you bound across the cold moons of Jaglan Beta; you can lie on it on the brilliant marble-sanded beaches of Santraginus V, inhaling the heady sea vapors; you can sleep under it beneath the stars which shine so redly on the desert world of Kakrafoon; use it to sail a miniraft down the slow heavy River Moth; wet it for use in hand-to-hand-combat; wrap it round your head to ward off noxious fumes or avoid the gaze of the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal (such a mind-boggingly stupid animal, it assumes that if you can’t see it, it can’t see you); you can wave your towel in emergencies as a distress signal, and of course dry yourself off with it if it still seems to be clean enough.”

Here’s the original Hitchhiker’s guide to the Galaxy piece about the importance of towels, I strongly encourage you to watch it as it may very well save your live one day.

Unlawfully depriving the rightful owner the use of a towel is about as serious offense there is, this is especially true here in Florida. I never leave home without one. Anyone who lives in Florida already knows this, but for those of you who don’t let me explain.

First of all, in Florida most of the year we have like 150% humidity. The temperatures hover somewhere around the mid to upper 90’s. Needless to say a towel is highly useful as not only a sunshade, but we use it to wipe the sweet out of our eyes. I like to keep using mine, over, and over, until it gets so stiff from sweet, it stands up all by itself, then I wash it and start all over again.

Another thing it does here in Florida is, for like seven months out of the year is, it rains virtually everyday. When I say it rains, I don’t mean those light or even heavy rain showers. No, I am talking about monsoon rains. They usually start in the late afternoon, about 10 minutes before I have to leave work to drive home.This always makes for an exciting drive home.

The sky will turn menacing and black clouds roll in. The wind comes up to about 50 miles per hour and lightning strikes almost continuously.  Then inevitability, the sky opens up this monsoon like, wind blown rain. These thunderstorms usually last for an hour, or two, and then clear up as fast as they started. This is usually when I am just pulling up along side my house. Obviously, having a towel with you at all times is a necessity.

When you live in a climate like the one in Florida, unlawfully depriving a persons right to the use of his towel, ranks slightly higher then the right to bear arms. I have no doubt that when this dim wit is convicted, they will certainly throw the book at him. Hell, he could be looking at the death penalty.

It gets even more absurd, when deputies were investigating the incident, this dumb–s was “disguising himself as ‘The Sun’ with the intent to obstruct the due execution of law.”  Seriously? Hey dim wit, how were you going to hide, disguised as the sun? What did you do, set yourself on fire? Shine a powerful flashlight in the cops faces? wear a bright yellow-orange fully body suit? It seems to me that anyone would notice the sun trying to hide, in a garage, under the bed, or wherever. All the Police would have to do is put on their sun glasses.

So, guided by the light of this artificial sun, the Police soon extinguished this dumb s–t’s lame disguise and promptly arrested the towel stealing thief. He was  ultimately charged with unlawfully depriving the owner of the use of the towel, in the first degree as well as intent to obstruct the due execution of law. Like I said, this is a serious capitol offense in Florida.

Important Safety Tip: If you are going to do something really, really, stupid like burglary.  Take the cash, jewelry, drugs, electronics, whatever. Just never, never, take a towel, not even a small one.

If you ever have a need to disguise yourself as something, the sun would not be a good choice, especially at night.

As always,

I am…

Tom Dye, The Safety Guy
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MARK IT ZERO: Man Accidentally Shoots Himself While Bowling

By

On July 28, 2016

In Tales of the Absurd, Weird Florida

MARK IT ZERO: Man Accidentally Shoots Himself While Bowling.  ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME!!! You don’t even have to ask, of course this totally absurd incident happened right here in the great weird State of Florida.

God! I love this State!

So anyway, this poster child for gun control had a loaded revolver in his  pocket while bowling and the weapon fired when the man’s bowling ball brushed up against his pocket during his back swing. Seriously!!! What a freaking dumbs–t. This moron is obviously a really crappy bowler as well as a dumba-s.

Bowling

Bowling

Of course, being Tom Dye, the Safety Guy, I know all about guns, as well as lot’s of other esoteric knowledge. It was reported that this idiot had a loaded revolver in his pocket. Of course, you would definitely need a loaded revolver in your pocket during a night out of bowling, I mean seriously, who doesn’t go bowling without packing a concealed firearm right?

“His Bowling ball brushed against him, when he was in his back swing, which in turn triggered the revolver,” this was actually witnessed by another bowler nearby. Obviously, this half cocked dimwit, either had very large pockets, or a very, very, small gun. I am still trying to wrap my head around how this dumbs–t managed to pull off the stupidest gun accident in recent memory.

Let’s talk about revolvers for a minute, there are essentially two different types.  In a single-action revolver, the user pulls the hammer back with his free hand or thumb; the trigger pull only releases the hammer. In a double-action revolver, pulling the trigger moves the hammer back, then releases it.

So how in thew hell do you fire the gun just by brushing against it with your stupid a-s bowling ball. Is it possible that this balloon head actually had a loaded revolver in his pocket with the hammer in the cocked position? Is there anyone on the planet who would keep a revolver in his pants pocket with the hammer pulled back and ready to fire? Well, no one except for this dumba–s.

Looking Stupid

Looking Stupid

The gun fired and hit him in the leg. Frankly,  it should have shot him in the nuts just to teach him a lesson. We certainly don’t want stupid people like this breeding more stupid people. If we allow this to continue we will have people shooting themselves all the time while bowling. Eventually, we may all would need full body armor while bowling, just so we don’t get injured by stray bullets. You know, this may have just started a new variation of bowling. I can see it now; Duck n’ Roll Bowling. I might actually watch something like that on TV.

We really need to discuss the root cause of why this kind of absurd behavior regularly occurs with amateur bowlers. I know it’s the elephant in the room that nobody want’s to talk about, but we need to get this out in the open.

Of course, I have a theory. I am just going to come out and say it, IT’S THE F–KING BOWLING SHOES. Yes, it’s the stupid bowling shoes that are causing this self-destructive behavior and exacerbated by all the half-cocked, concealed weapon toting, moron’s all across the country.

Deadly Bowling Shoes

Deadly Bowling Shoes

Every time you go bowling, you have to rent a pair of the most butt ugly shoes known to man. On top of that, these same bowling shoes have been worn by tens of thousands of people prior to you since like 1959. I know, they supposedly sanitize these bowling shoes after each use, YEAH RIGHT! hitting them with a little spritz of some no name brand disinfectant after each use isn’t going to do s–t.

I believe that over the decades there is some sort of intelligent and definitely malevolent  mind altering fungus that grows inside these bowling shoes and under the right conditions it takes over the minds and bodies of the unsuspecting wearers of these deadly shoes. Seriously, think about all the absurd incidents you have read about, or seen on the news, about violent incidents that happen at bowling alleys across the country. They all have one common denominator, THE SHOES.

I know some of you have your own pet theories about what causes these absurd incidents at bowling alleys. I have heard them all and I can debunk all of them right now.

Bowling alleys serve alcohol –  Sure they do and so do bars and restaurants,  but you don’t hear about these type of absurd incidents happening at these establishments now do you? So, we can shoot that theory down right now.

Bowling is a stressful sport – First of all bowling is not a sport. If you mean that rolling a stupidly heavy round ball, usually in some sort of amazingly ugly color scheme and rolling it down an infinitely long narrow wood lane and somehow hitting some pins at the very far end is stressful, then maybe you need to find another activity to occupy your time. Bowling is certainly stupid, but stressful, I think not.

It’s the kind of people who are attracted to bowling – Maybe this theory has some very small grain of truth to it. Certainly rocket scientists are not bowlers, but then again some people can get sucked into doing anything. Nah, I am still sticking to my deadly, malevolent,  intelligent fungus theory, as that is the only common denominator in all of these absurd incidents.

I told You So!

I told You So!

So, what do we do to stop this menace to society? Obviously we should outlaw the stupid game we call bowling. I know it’s a pipe dream, so I guess we will have to go with plan “B”.

For God’s sake buy your own stupid bowling shoes. Seriously,  do you actually let every one of your friends and family and even complete strangers wear your regular shoes? I think not, at least I know I don’t.  Besides, have you ever seen those mutants hanging out at the bowling alley? Think about it, they were most likely the last ones wearing the same deadly fungus infested bowling shoes that you just rented a half an hour ago. If that doesn’t give you nightmares, I don’t know what will.

You could at the very least leave your guns at home dim wits. When was the last time terrorists attacked a bowling alley? After all, do you want to be the laughing-stock of the entire nation just like this moronic dimwit is right now? Hey, this guy made it into Profound Revelations – Tales of the Absurd, and believe me this is a pretty exclusive club. Maybe you should just sleep on it, I think with a nice cup of coffee and a clear head in the morning, you will end up agreeing with me.

Here’s a little parting gift that I think you will enjoy. This is a really cool music video by the band “Camper Van Beethoven” from 1985. It’s a really cool song called “Take the skinheads bowling” I hope you enjoy it.

Remember, don’t forget to go out and buy your own personal pair of stupid bowling shoes right away. Who knows maybe Walmart is even having a special sale on cheap Chinese made synthetic leather bowling shoes.

 

As always,

I am…

Tom Dye, The Safety Guy

Become a follower today and receive a notifications of new content as soon as it’s posted.
If you enjoy this blog, Please tell your friends, family and co-workers. Post a link on Facebook,, Twitter, Google+, share it by email, or shout it from the roof to unsuspecting passersby.Your support is genuinely appreciated.

 

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