Cops: Burglar Tries To Disguise Self As The Sun, Like this was a bright idea. Well, this goes without saying, obviously this happened in the great weird, State of Florida. The more absurd the story, the more likely it happened in Florida. Don’t get me wrong, I am certainly not complaining, Florida supplies me with inspiration for an endless supply of absurd stories.

You are not going to believe this, this dim-wit, burglarized a private home and proceeded to steal a towel. The arrest report actually stated that this dork; “did unlawfully deprive the owner of the use of the towel.”

This shining star broke into a house and apparently the only thing he could find worth stealing was a common, run-of-the-mill bath towel, that and nothing else. This turned out to be a very serious mistake.

Everyone knows how important towels are. This was even discussed in great detail in, “The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy.”  If you were to change the name of this classic work to “The Hitchhikers Guide to Florida,”  it would pretty much sum things pretty nicely. – “A towel, is about the most massively useful thing an interstellar hitchhiker can have. Partly it has great practical value. You can wrap it around you for warmth as you bound across the cold moons of Jaglan Beta; you can lie on it on the brilliant marble-sanded beaches of Santraginus V, inhaling the heady sea vapors; you can sleep under it beneath the stars which shine so redly on the desert world of Kakrafoon; use it to sail a miniraft down the slow heavy River Moth; wet it for use in hand-to-hand-combat; wrap it round your head to ward off noxious fumes or avoid the gaze of the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal (such a mind-boggingly stupid animal, it assumes that if you can’t see it, it can’t see you); you can wave your towel in emergencies as a distress signal, and of course dry yourself off with it if it still seems to be clean enough.”

Here’s the original Hitchhiker’s guide to the Galaxy piece about the importance of towels, I strongly encourage you to watch it as it may very well save your live one day.

Unlawfully depriving the rightful owner the use of a towel is about as serious offense there is, this is especially true here in Florida. I never leave home without one. Anyone who lives in Florida already knows this, but for those of you who don’t let me explain.

First of all, in Florida most of the year we have like 150% humidity. The temperatures hover somewhere around the mid to upper 90’s. Needless to say a towel is highly useful as not only a sunshade, but we use it to wipe the sweet out of our eyes. I like to keep using mine, over, and over, until it gets so stiff from sweet, it stands up all by itself, then I wash it and start all over again.

Another thing it does here in Florida is, for like seven months out of the year is, it rains virtually everyday. When I say it rains, I don’t mean those light or even heavy rain showers. No, I am talking about monsoon rains. They usually start in the late afternoon, about 10 minutes before I have to leave work to drive home.This always makes for an exciting drive home.

The sky will turn menacing and black clouds roll in. The wind comes up to about 50 miles per hour and lightning strikes almost continuously.  Then inevitability, the sky opens up this monsoon like, wind blown rain. These thunderstorms usually last for an hour, or two, and then clear up as fast as they started. This is usually when I am just pulling up along side my house. Obviously, having a towel with you at all times is a necessity.

When you live in a climate like the one in Florida, unlawfully depriving a persons right to the use of his towel, ranks slightly higher then the right to bear arms. I have no doubt that when this dim wit is convicted, they will certainly throw the book at him. Hell, he could be looking at the death penalty.

It gets even more absurd, when deputies were investigating the incident, this dumb–s was “disguising himself as ‘The Sun’ with the intent to obstruct the due execution of law.”  Seriously? Hey dim wit, how were you going to hide, disguised as the sun? What did you do, set yourself on fire? Shine a powerful flashlight in the cops faces? wear a bright yellow-orange fully body suit? It seems to me that anyone would notice the sun trying to hide, in a garage, under the bed, or wherever. All the Police would have to do is put on their sun glasses.

So, guided by the light of this artificial sun, the Police soon extinguished this dumb s–t’s lame disguise and promptly arrested the towel stealing thief. He was  ultimately charged with unlawfully depriving the owner of the use of the towel, in the first degree as well as intent to obstruct the due execution of law. Like I said, this is a serious capitol offense in Florida.

Important Safety Tip: If you are going to do something really, really, stupid like burglary.  Take the cash, jewelry, drugs, electronics, whatever. Just never, never, take a towel, not even a small one.

If you ever have a need to disguise yourself as something, the sun would not be a good choice, especially at night.

As always,

I am…

Tom Dye, The Safety Guy
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