Teaching dogs to ring doorbells.

I first read about this madness in 2012, and the scientists are still at it. I am only going to say this one last time, so listen up. Whoever you white coats are, STOP THIS MADNESS RIGHT NOW! before it’s too late.

No possible good can come of this. If this were the old days an angry mob of peasants would show up at your castle, armed with torches and pitchforks, tie you up, and subject you to the ultimate punishment.  One of their favorite punishments was, to come prepared with 26 pounds of bacon, fry up the 26 pounds of bacon, all the while making a huge mess in your kitchen, and proceed to wrap your entire body in bacon, and drag you’re bacon wrapped body outside the drawbridge. Then, they would wait, they wouldn’t have to wait long.

Trust me, this was not pretty, as every dog owner knows exactly what happens when a dog smells bacon. That’s right, they go into a “bacon frenzy”. Now, just imagine 26 pounds of bacon. My God, the horror of it all. Dogs would come from miles around, far and wide, big and small. This bacon feeding frenzy generally put to an end, once and for all, to any possibility that forbidden knowledge spread any further. Dogs can never, ever, find out how to ring doorbells. This is just wrong, on so many levels, so consider yourself warned.

OK, since these are modern, civilized times, we will rely on logic and reason to make you see the error of your ways. I believe that you just don’t quite understand why, this is such a serious mistake. Let me explain this simply, with some real life examples. The main flaw in your thinking is basically this, DOGS HATE DOORBELLS!!!

I can’t put it in any more simply then that. There are two things in a dog’s life, that dogs despise more then anything on the planet. Doorbells, and Squirrels. There are other things as well, but these are the big two. We have a dog, Homer. So I have direct first hand knowledge, as to why you need to stop this right now.
Please pay attention, as it’s still not too late. We can still fix this.

They say that a picture speaks a thousand words, well then let me present, Exhibit A.


Exhibit-A  HOMER

Now, as you can see in Exhibit-A, our dog Homer. He is a fairly small 20 pound dog. He is part Rat Terrier and part Wiener dog. Don’t let his size fool you, in this picture he is vigilantly watching for Squirrels, and waiting for anyone stupid enough to walk up the front steps, and God forbid, ring the doorbell. God help us all if squirrels ever learned to ring doorbells.

The moment Homer hears the doorbell, whether he was watching, and waiting for it or not, Homer immediately goes into attack mode. It doesn’t matter if he is in the back yard, upstairs or wherever,  he can hear it. Upon hearing the doorbell, Homer will  shoot down stairs like a rocket, sliding into furniture like a pinball, (we have hard wood floors, so this is actually kind of funny to watch), and arrive at the front door, all before the unsuspecting person at the door has time to move their finger from the button. Homer’s barking will not cease for several minutes, no matter what you say, or do. All this because the dog is absolutely convinced that if you ring the doorbell, you obviously don’t belong here, and are certainly not welcome. As I said before, DOGS HATE DOORBELLS!!!

Another interesting fact is, if someone just knocks on the door, without ringing the doorbell, it does not provoke this type of extreme response.

I have a theory as to why all dogs instinctively hate doorbells. I believe that this extreme hatred of doorbells that all dogs seem to possess, can be traced back to Ivan Pavlov, the famous Russian scientist. In 1901 Pavlov did a series of conditioned reflex (brain washing) experiments with dogs, where he conditioned dogs to salivate at the sound of a bell. It seems logical that all modern dogs are decedents of these original test subjects.

Furthermore, dogs have somehow developed some sort of ancestral subconscious collective memory of these experiments that is hard wired into their DNA. Over the years, and thousands of generations, this collective memory has evolved from associating the sound of a bell and salivating, to associating the sound of a bell, to extreme danger. So, you see there is absolutely nothing you can do, or say, to change this behavior.

I have even done my own extensive research, to determine if different types of doorbells, may induce a different reaction in our dog, Homer. My theory is simple, maybe there are different types of doorbell sounds, or melodies that may mitigate, or minimize, Homer’s extreme response to the doorbell.

For my experiments, I used one of those wireless programmable electronic doorbells. The kind that you can program to make 12 different types of sounds, everything from the standard “ding-dong, to a variety of different chimes, and melodies. My theory was that there may be a certain type of sound, that Homer, or any other dog for that matter, may not recognize as a doorbell at all.

For my controlled experiment, over a period of twelve days I reprogrammed the wireless electronic doorbell everyday. I even moved the doorbell to different parts of the house, so Homer would not be able to associate a particular sound coming from the same location.  This experiment was a complete failure. Homer was always able to determine that no mater what type of sound or melodies, I programmed into the doorbell, or wherever the sound was originating from within the house, he always knew it was the doorbell and he always exhibited the exact same extreme reaction. Also, it is interesting to note, that if Homer hears a doorbell on a TV show, or movie, or any other type of bell sound at all, he never reacts to it. Somehow, he is instinctively able to tell the difference.

So my friends, as you can plainly see teaching dogs to ring doorbells is an extremely dumb thing to do. You see, it doesn’t matter if a person rings the doorbell, or the dog does it itself, the dogs instinctive reaction is going to be the exactly same. The dog will immediately go into attack mode, and be absolutely certain that someone is at the door, a person who doe’s not belong there, and is not welcome. So what possible gain would you have teaching a dog to ring the doorbell. Like I said previously  whoever is doing this, STOP IT RIGHT NOW!!! before you destroy the delicate balance of power between mankind, and our canine companions.

I previously mentioned Squirrels. So, let’s talk about Squirrels for a minute. It may be a toss-up, as to which thing dog’s hate more, doorbells or Squirrels. Dog’s consider Squirrels to be the embodiment of pure evil, and all Squirrels must be killed on sight. It’s interesting how Squirrels invoke such a primal kill instinct in dog’s vs. birds, turtles, cats, possums, armadillos, etc., while Homer doesn’t particularly like them either, he doe’s not  react with the same kill-on-sight behavior. Face it, if you own a dog, having a pet Squirrel is out of the question.

Using Homer, as an example, Homer absolutely hates squirrels, hate may not even be a strong enough word. Try to picture this, we have a really large yard, there is a set of steep concrete stairs, ten steps to the bottom to be precise. Homer, will lay at the top of the stairs, just inside the door, crouched down really low, just watching, and waiting. He is intently watching the really large Camphor tree in the middle of the backyard.  This tree is home to many, many, Grey Squirrels, and Homer damn well knows it.

Homer will lay in wait, just watching and waiting, for hours at a time, That’s of course, assuming some unfortunate soul, makes the stupid decision to ring the front doorbell. In that case, all bets are off. Evidently doorbells, trumps the evil, despicable squirrels.

Anyway, the moment a Squirrel comes down from the tree, or even thinks about coming down, Homer, shoots down the stairs like a rocket, I would never have imagined he could move that fast. Due to the ludicrous speed, he gains from shooting down the stairs, at a full run, he makes a wide loop around the tree, and actually runs up the tree, and seriously, makes it about eight feet up the tree trunk, just below the first main branch. Of course, Homer is barking the whole time, just daring the Squirrel to come down, where he can get at them. I have no doubt in my mind, that if he was actually able to catch one, and he has tried literally hundreds of times, he would tear it to pieces. God help, the first Squirrel, that zigs, when it should have zagged.

There is something about squirrels, I have no idea what is is, that dogs absolutely despise. I know from watching Homer’s attempted kill missions that it must be something. I have notice though, how Squirrels make this “chattering” sound at the dog, especially when they are safely just out of reach. The only thing I can figure out is dogs must be able to understand the Squirrels language, at least in a rudimentary sort of way.

I always imagine that the Squirrels chattering must be the equivalent to: “Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, You can’t get me. You stupid, smelly piece of s–t,.” Obviously, the dog gets it, as he always becomes even more enraged.

Maybe, Dogs and Squirrels have been having this epic battle for centuries. All I know for certain is, if the Squirrel makes one mis-step, or for any reason is distracted, even for a moment, Homer, is going to have Squirrel for lunch. Frankly, I wouldn’t blame him.

In closing, Let me just say this. Now, that I have explained the error of your ways, in a clear, concise, and extremely eloquent manner, Please stop this madness right now. Because, as you can plainly see, DOGS HATE DOORBELLS!!!

As always,

I am…

Tom Dye, The Safety Guy


This news commentary is an original work of satire by Tom Dye, The Safety Guy.

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