Giant Snails Invading Miami!

I tried to warn you everyone, but nobody would listen. First, it was killer bees, Killer Squirrels, then other animals attacking humans, this is just another weapon in mother nature’s arsenal.

After years of neglecting the planet, nature is making us pay for our transgressions. Essentially, as the line goes, “The chickens have come home to roost” or in this case snails.

Miami, Florida is being invaded by hoards of giant African snails. Don’t laugh, this is serious business my friends and literally, no one is safe, as these nightmares make their slow inexorable trek northward. These slimy monsters grow to over 8″ long. Just let that sink in for a moment.

Giant snails

Giant Snail

Take a good close look at this photo, this my friends, is the enemy. You can see the sheer size of this monster. This is what happens when you pollute the air, land, and water, then couple that with climate change. We get giant snails invading and eating everything in their path.

So far there have been over 157,000 of these monsters captured since 2011 and 1,000 more are caught each week. This is only the tip of the iceberg, as these monsters lay about 1,200 eggs a year. They are just starting to emerge from their underground lairs.

In some areas that are already are overrun with these monsters, the snails’ shells blow out tires on the highway and turn into hurling projectiles from lawnmower blades, while their slime and excrement coat walls and pavement. These nightmarish creatures have a fondness for eating stucco and concrete. That’s right, they eat walls and sidewalks. What do you think is one of the most popular building materials in the Miami-Dade area of  Florida? That’s right, stucco and concrete.

The eat stucco and concrete, because they need the calcium content for their shells, so they can grow even larger. You know else what has a large calcium content? Human bones, that’s what. It is only a matter of time before these nightmarish creatures realize this. Then mark my words, this is going to get worse, a lot f–king worse.

Oh but, it gets even better, it turns out that these snails also carry a parasitic worm that can burrow into humans and cause meningitis in humans. WTF… Not only do these monsters eat buildings and will soon prey on humans for their calcium, they also carry an exotic parasite that causes meningitis.

These giant snails also eat over 500 different plant species. Of course, they will not eat either potato vines or Spanish moss. These two invasive plants are the bane of Florida living. Go figure, not only do we have giant snails, but the only thing they will not eat are the two plants that are literally taking over Florida. I guess we deserve everything we get. Hell, not even the giant Burmese pythons or Florida alligators that live in the Everglades eat these monsters.

The only bright side to this invasion is they are just as slow as a regular snail. Anything can out run these things without even trying. Even the slow-moving elderly are safe. As long as you don’t slip on the slime-trail they leave behind, you’re good. For now, that is.

So, how do we fight back against this slow motion nightmare? Well, I suppose we could all eat escargot. Personally, I am not a big fan of escargot. I don’t know about you, but there is something about eating snails, that I just can’t stomach.



There’s only one way we can halt this slimy invasion. We need to develop emergency escargot recipes that appeal to the masses. Right now, I am calling on Bobby Flay, Emeril, Paula Deen and all the other famous chef’s in New Orleans and everyone else regularly featured on the Food Network, to immediately start developing escargot recipes that we can all enjoy. We need barbecued escargot, Cajun escargot, southern fried escargot, baked escargot and what ever else you can think of. We need these recipes and we need them fast. This is a national emergency and time is of the essence. SO, PLEASE GUYS, GET RIGHT ON THIS RIGHT AWAY!

There’s only one way we can beat this menace, we have to eat them to extinction. As the human race we have done it before in past history, and we can do it again. That’s right, just imagine, barbecued, fried, Cajun style, Southern style, grilled, baked, or fried if that suits you. These slow motion nightmare creatures will now become the hunted. Remember, just follow the slime trail or leave out some concrete as bait.

Bon appetite!

I think I need to get a bigger frying pan,

As always,

I am…

Tom Dye, The Safety Guy


This article is an original work of satire by Tom Dye, The Safety Guy and is loosely based on actual news events.

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