Tales oF the Absurd, Original Satire, Politics & News Commentary

Category: Florida

May 12, 2017, The Pulse Nightclub Massacre One Later, A Message Of Solidarity!

May 12, 2017, The Pulse Nightclub Massacre One Later, A Message Of Solidarity!

Forgive me for being so blunt. I noticed that most everyone is calling the shootings at the Pulse Nightclub, An LGBTQ Nightclub in Orlando, Florida one year ago a “tragedy” and it certainly was. However, it was also a “massacre” of 49 innocent people and injured at least 53 others.

This horror was inflicted upon these innocent people during a popular “Latin Night” by a sub-human monster armed with a military-style assault rifle. that I shall not name because he doesn’t deserve to be remembered by name.

This monster who shall not be named continued his shooting spree for Three Hours. Think about that for a moment! Three fucking hours of absolute terror, death and life-threatening injuries. I can’t even imagine the horror that these innocent human beings had to endure not knowing if they were to be the next to die.

I like to think that I would be strong in a situation like that, but in all actuality, I don’t even know if I would still be sane after experiencing a trauma like that. These survivors, friends and family are amazingly strong, and resilient, and these are the true heroes.

Pulse Nightclub Memorial 2017

As with a lot of us, I did not learn of the Pulse Nightclub massacre until the next morning. In my case I learned about it on my local NPR public radio station.

As the hours and next few days unfolded we learned all the details and personal stories from the survivors as well as the friends and family members of the deceased. With each story, I cried, with each name of the dead was revealed, I cried and felt a little more numb. A piece of my soul died along with all the victims of this brutal senseless massacre.

Then the trolls and religious fanatics started with their horrific bigoted, and homophobic comments. Then I got mad. who were these perverted monsters? and where was their basic humanity and compassion for another suffering fellow human? My soul died a little more, and my heart broke all over again and I actually felt ashamed and disgusted to think that such hatred could exist in our supposedly liberal society.

But then something amazing happened, in the face of tragedy. The tributes, the support, stories of heroism and personal stories of survival and acts of courage came rushing in like an unstoppable tsunami. The American people mobilized with offers of unqualified assistance and support for the survivors, and the families of the deceased.

This is the United States and the world that I believe in. When tragedy occurs, compassionate human beings rally to offer whatever aid and comfort, and assistance in whichever way they can. This is the basic humanity I believe in.

I believe in humanity and I believe in love in which ever form it comes in. And that’s the way it should be. I have always been an ally of the LGBTQ community. Any real compassionate human being would also be as well.

Am I a Lesbian? Obviously not

Am I Gay, No! not at all, as a matter of fact I am as heterosexual as they come.

Am, I Bi-sexual, Nope!

Am I transgender? Certainly not.

Am I Queer? No, not at all.

But that is not the fucking point. What I am is a compassionate human being who believes in human and civil rights. I believe in love between two consenting adults not matter what form it takes. after all, love is love.

I have known several people who identify as gay or lesbian. I have known bisexual and transgender persons as well. Some are still with us, and some have passed away. No matter what their sexual orientation may be, I have always been proud to call them my friends. Some of the most amazing, talented, intellectual, gifted and artistic human beings I have ever met identified just so happened to identify themselves as gay. For the ones who have passed away, I miss them dearly. For my friends still living I look forward to many more years of friendship, and the love and bonds we have created together.

I am an ally of the human race!

Just know this, As a fellow human being, I love you all. For those of you whose lives have crossed with mine, no matter if you are young, old, LGBTQ, or something else entirely, I hope that we will have decades more of friendship, and adventures still to come, For those of you who I haven’t met yet, and should we ever meet in the future, I will embrace you as my friend and fellow traveller in this only life we have, and I welcome you as a friend.

You see as for me, I only judge people by only one of only two possible categories. You are either an asshole, or you are not an asshole. Please don’t be an asshole.

To all the friends and family of the people killed in the horrific nightmare of the Pulse Nightclub massacre, My heart breaks for your loss. Words can never express what you all are feeling right now.  For those 53 people injured, You are all far stronger than me and I look up to you for the heroes that you truly are. You inspire me to be a better human being.

I love you all.


As Always,

I Am…..

Thomas Dyson.


Giant Snails Invading Miami!

Giant Snails Invading Miami!

I tried to warn you everyone, but nobody would listen. First, it was killer bees, Killer Squirrels, then other animals attacking humans, this is just another weapon in mother nature’s arsenal.

After years of neglecting the planet, nature is making us pay for our transgressions. Essentially, as the line goes, “The chickens have come home to roost” or in this case snails.

Miami, Florida is being invaded by hoards of giant African snails. Don’t laugh, this is serious business my friends and literally, no one is safe, as these nightmares make their slow inexorable trek northward. These slimy monsters grow to over 8″ long. Just let that sink in for a moment.

Giant snails

Giant Snail

Take a good close look at this photo, this my friends, is the enemy. You can see the sheer size of this monster. This is what happens when you pollute the air, land, and water, then couple that with climate change. We get giant snails invading and eating everything in their path.

So far there have been over 157,000 of these monsters captured since 2011 and 1,000 more are caught each week. This is only the tip of the iceberg, as these monsters lay about 1,200 eggs a year. They are just starting to emerge from their underground lairs.

In some areas that are already are overrun with these monsters, the snails’ shells blow out tires on the highway and turn into hurling projectiles from lawnmower blades, while their slime and excrement coat walls and pavement. These nightmarish creatures have a fondness for eating stucco and concrete. That’s right, they eat walls and sidewalks. What do you think is one of the most popular building materials in the Miami-Dade area of  Florida? That’s right, stucco and concrete.

The eat stucco and concrete, because they need the calcium content for their shells, so they can grow even larger. You know else what has a large calcium content? Human bones, that’s what. It is only a matter of time before these nightmarish creatures realize this. Then mark my words, this is going to get worse, a lot f–king worse.

Oh but, it gets even better, it turns out that these snails also carry a parasitic worm that can burrow into humans and cause meningitis in humans. WTF… Not only do these monsters eat buildings and will soon prey on humans for their calcium, they also carry an exotic parasite that causes meningitis.

These giant snails also eat over 500 different plant species. Of course, they will not eat either potato vines or Spanish moss. These two invasive plants are the bane of Florida living. Go figure, not only do we have giant snails, but the only thing they will not eat are the two plants that are literally taking over Florida. I guess we deserve everything we get. Hell, not even the giant Burmese pythons or Florida alligators that live in the Everglades eat these monsters.

The only bright side to this invasion is they are just as slow as a regular snail. Anything can out run these things without even trying. Even the slow-moving elderly are safe. As long as you don’t slip on the slime-trail they leave behind, you’re good. For now, that is.

So, how do we fight back against this slow motion nightmare? Well, I suppose we could all eat escargot. Personally, I am not a big fan of escargot. I don’t know about you, but there is something about eating snails, that I just can’t stomach.



There’s only one way we can halt this slimy invasion. We need to develop emergency escargot recipes that appeal to the masses. Right now, I am calling on Bobby Flay, Emeril, Paula Deen and all the other famous chef’s in New Orleans and everyone else regularly featured on the Food Network, to immediately start developing escargot recipes that we can all enjoy. We need barbecued escargot, Cajun escargot, southern fried escargot, baked escargot and what ever else you can think of. We need these recipes and we need them fast. This is a national emergency and time is of the essence. SO, PLEASE GUYS, GET RIGHT ON THIS RIGHT AWAY!

There’s only one way we can beat this menace, we have to eat them to extinction. As the human race we have done it before in past history, and we can do it again. That’s right, just imagine, barbecued, fried, Cajun style, Southern style, grilled, baked, or fried if that suits you. These slow motion nightmare creatures will now become the hunted. Remember, just follow the slime trail or leave out some concrete as bait.

Bon appetite!

I think I need to get a bigger frying pan,

As always,

I am…

Tom Dye, The Safety Guy


This article is an original work of satire by Tom Dye, The Safety Guy and is loosely based on actual news events.

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