PROFOUND REVELATIONS

Tales oF the Absurd, Original Satire, Politics, Religion & News Commentary

Month: August 2016 Page 3 of 19

Dog Runs Over Owner With Car

Dog Runs Over Owner With Car. When are people going to learn? Teaching a dog to drive, is not a good idea, and is only going to end very badly.

Everyone knows that dogs offer their owners unconditional love. What a lot of people don’t realize, this unconditional love comes with a price. You see, dogs also have a dark side. Dogs are highly intelligent, willful, conniving, manipulative, and cunning. That’s right, your cute little Fido, may also be a potential killer.

We have a dog, Homer. I have written about Homer, on several occasions. Homer is a happy, 20 pound, mixed breed, with an abundance of self esteem. However, like all dogs, I have seen glimpses of his dark side. He tries his best to keep this aspect of his personality concealed, but once in a while, it comes through, even if just for a moment.

I always wondered, how many of those unsolved, or “supposedly” accidental deaths, of people that owned dogs, could be attributed to the dog being complicit in the the owners death. Did some of these people do something, that the dog found to be totally unacceptable, and the dog’s owner paid the ultimate price for it, with his, or her, life? Maybe, they placed one of those stupid looking sweaters on the dog, and took it down to the dog park, and totally humiliated, and embarrassed the dog in front of all it’s dog friends. Some of those ugly dog sweaters that I have seen, could push anyone over the edge.

How about those misguided dog owners who leave poor Fido inside the house for like 14 hours. Fido really needs to go, after several hours of trying to claw his way out of the house, Fido has no choice, but to go to the bathroom, in the house. It’s either that or explode. I think that an exploding dog would be far worse then having to pick up some dog crap, don’t you?  So what happens? Fido’s owner returns home, and blames the dog, for not being to hold his bowel movements for like 14 hours. Can you hold it for that long? Think about it. The misguided dog owner decides that the appropriate punishment for Fido is to rub Fido’s nose in it. Seriously? What would you do if somebody rubbed your nose, in your crap? Would you feel like getting even? would revenge be near the top of your list?

Don’t even get me started on the despicable people who beat their animals. Here’s an example where the dark side of your little Fido, will come out. He may cower, but he will have a look of pure malice  you can see it clearly in their eyes. You don’t even want to know what they are thinking, when Fido looks at you like that. You have to remember that all dogs are descended from wolves. Fido still carries this perfect predator DNA, within him, push Fido too far, and well, you read what happened to this guy.

Dogs are also really, really, sneaky and willful, they obviously know right from wrong. Using Homer, as an example, Our living room is upstairs. Homer has this quirky thing he randomly does, he knows he is not supposed to, but he doe’s it anyway. If we leave a piece of paper towel, out on the coffee table, or anywhere else, he can reach, he shreds the paper towel into little tiny pieces.

I have no idea why Homer feels compelled to do this, he doesn’t do it to anything else, just defenseless paper towels. I can always tell if he has shredded a paper towel, because instead of immediately following me upstairs, he slinks away, and hides. He will wait for about 10 minutes or so, just long enough, that he figures that I have picked it up, and thrown it in the garbage can, then Homer bounds up the stairs to greet me, like nothing ever happened.

Another thing, I have observed about Homer, is he is constantly watching me, he may look like he is sleeping, but he is not. He is silently watching, and observing, maybe he is looking for weaknesses, or maybe, he is just observing my actions, to better manipulate me, to get me to do what he wants.

I have observed first hand, Homer’s killer instincts. You see we play this game, I flip him over on his back, and he immediately goes into this  “Tasmanian Devil Werewolf Dog” mode, that’s the only way I can describe it. I mean you would really have to see it for yourselves, but believe me, to anyone else watching, it is truly a really scary sight. He bares his teeth, he makes these horrendous wild animal noises, and thrashes around. He snaps, and growls, and gets this wild look in his eyes, and in no way looks, or sounds, anything  like a 20 pound dog. When I let him up in a few seconds, he jumps up, licks me, and immediately goes over to the cabinet where his dog treats are stored. He always knows, he is going to get a treat. Don’ worry, in no way is Homer ever abused, or even annoyed, this is only a game he likes to play.

Hell, I watch how Homer surgically removes the squeaker from his multitude of stuffed dog toys. Watching that is enough to keep me in line. Besides, Homer sleeps on our bed when we are sleeping, and defenseless.  I like to keep on his good side, just to be safe. Besides, as I am writing this, Homer is giving me the evil eye. He must know I am writing about him.
That’s a good boy, Homer!! (I had to say that, because he was becoming suspicious. He doesn’t like when I write about him).

So, back to the guy whose dog ran him over. It turns out he drove up to his gate, got out of the car, to open the gate, the car was left running. When he got in front of his car, his dog came running up, jumped into the car, somehow put the car in gear, and slammed down on the gas pedal. The man was killed, while his wife watched horrified from the passengers seat of the car.

This is not the first instance of a dog killing it’s owner. There was a dog out hunting with his owner, the dog knocked down the rifle, and the gun discharged, and killed the hunter. They ruled this case an accident, but was it really? How about the people whose dog followed them down the stairs, suddenly the dog somehow bumps the owner in the back of their legs, and the person goes tumbling down the stairs, in a broken heap. Another accident? I think not, this was a deliberate act on the dogs part.

So, how did this criminal dog learn to drive the car? easy, he was most likely one of those dogs, who ride on his owners lap, or rides right next to him. The dog just watched, and observed, during all those times he was taken for a ride. I don’t know what this guy did, that his loyal Fido, felt he had no choice, but to kill him, but it must have been something.

Don’t get me wrong, I love dogs. However, feel that there is certain things that dogs should not be taught, to not only protect themselves, but us as well. Did this guy do something to his beloved dog? or was the dog just some sort of malevolent cold blooded killer? I guess we will never know.

Important Safety Tip: Always be extra nice to your dog. Never mistreat, or abuse Fido, in any way, your very life, could depend upon it. Whatever you do, do not ever let your dog learn how the car works, and don’t ever leave it running while your in front of it. No sense taking any chances.

As always,

I am…

Tom Dye, The Safety Guy

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The AWFUL Diet Advice Barbie Gave Girls In 1965

The AWFUL Diet Advice Barbie Gave Girls In 1965. WTF, what does this 12 inch disproportionate plastic doll know about diets, and dieting anyway?  Furthermore, how does a 12 inch plastic doll with a hollow head, sealed mouth, and painted lips give any kind of advice, dieting or otherwise?

1965 Barbie1965 Barbie

I don’t much give a s–t what type of advice, awful or whatever, that Barbie was giving children in 1965, or now, for that matter. All I know is, no good can come of it.

I have three grown boys, so they were not much interested in Barbie dolls, except maybe for possible hostages for their G.I. Joe’s. I can assure you, that as far as I know, none of their G.I.  Joe’s, ever gave my boys any kind of advice. Who knows, maybe these were not the talking kind.

As a parent myself I find the very idea of inanimate, disproportionate, 12 inch plastic dolls giving children any kind of advice, awful of otherwise, very disturbing. What kind of authority figure is a 12 inch, disproportionate, plastic Barbie anyway? The parents should be the only people giving advice to their children.

I know I certainly had enough full-sized adults like, Grand Parents, Aunts and Uncles, etc. all trying to undermine my authority as it was. So, I do not have to put up with this s–t, from a 12 inch plastic doll. Besides, I can do something about a doll, other family members, not so much.

The very idea of this talking plastic Barbie gives me the creeps. Besides, I have seen this before, and it turned out very badly. First, come the implied threats, then come the direct threats, and finally it tries to kill you. Next thing you know, people are crying at your funeral.

Did any of you ever see the episode of the original black and white Twilight Zone TV series, called – Talking Tina? The episode featured Telly Savalas? (Telly Savalas later stared in the 1970’s TV series, Kojak.)  Anyway, this particular episode featured a talking doll, coincidentally named, Talking Tina.

This particular episode scared the crap out of me, as this doll, Talking Tina, was pure  evil. Sure, the doll would talk very nicely to the little girl, but it threatened the Father’s  life, after he tried several times, unsuccessfully, to dispose of the doll by various methods. Talking Tina, ultimately killed the Father, and then threatened the Mother. The closing scene was of the distraught Mother, holding Talking Tina, the doll opens its eyes and says, “My name is Talking Tina, and you had better be nice to me.”

I think it’s a safe bet to assume that any inanimate object, that starts talking is going to be trouble. Time to nip this in the bud, before things get out of hand.

Important Safety Tip:  If your small son or daughter comes to you and tells you about one of their dolls  talking to them, or if your passing by their bedroom door, and you hear voices that are not your children’s, you need to act, and act fast.

In the Twilight Zone episode, the Telly Savalas charter was unable to destroy the doll. Don’t worry, I have thought this out carefully, and learned from the charters mistakes. Not to mention, that this episode was created in the 1950’s, we have many more options available to us now. Be sure to follow all these instructions to the letter.

First you need to prepare. You will need a gym bag, a zip tie, lighter fluid, wood for a small backyard bonfire, and a dark pillowcase to use as a hood.

Make sure that the fire pit in the back yard is prepared, and ready to go. The fire should be ready to light at a moments notice.

Next, when your child is asleep or better yet at a sleepover, without the doll. Use any excuse that you have to. Anything will do: You don’t want the doll to get dirty or damaged or lost, or whatever.

Once your sure that you are alone with the doll, slowly approach the doll from behind, Do Not Let The Doll See You!, throw the dark pillow case over the doll, and place it inside the gym bag. Use the zip tie to secure the gym bag shut. This should prevent the little demon doll from getting out. Do not let the gym bag containing the doll, out of your sight, not even for a moment.

Use the gym bag to carry the doll to the back yard. Start the small bonfire, by using the charcoal lighter fluid. Once the fire is going really well and burning very hot, throw the gym bag into the fire.

Do not leave the fire until the fire has totally consumed the gym bag, and the doll inside. Once the doll is totally consumed down to ashes, you can relax until the ashes cool completely.

The next day, once the ashes are cold to the touch, scoop – ALL OF THE ASHES, into a plastic bag. It is imperative that you get all of the ashes, no not leave any behind.

Take the bag of ashes, and drive at least five miles from home. Find a secluded or abandoned area. and open the window of your vehicle. As you are still driving, at least 25 miles per hour, slowly pour the ashes out of the bag, and onto the road making sure to scatter the ashes over a wide area. The wider the area that you can scatter the ashes, the better. Take the bag home with you, and properly dispose of it, we don’t want to be a litterbug.

I know, we don’t like lying to our children, but this time you will just have to bite the bullet, and just do it. If  your child asks you where their doll is, pretend like you have no idea. Trust me, they will get over it quickly, especially if you buy the man X-box 360 instead.

To all you parents out there, talk to your children everyday, offer them all the advice and guidance they need, so they may find their own path in life. If you do, their 12 inch plastic Barbie’s will not feel compelled to do it for you. Only then can tragedies like this be prevented in the future.

As always,

I am…

Tom Dye, The Safety Guy

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Rough Day For Alleged Violent Naked Pooping Masturbator

Rough Day For Alleged Violent Naked Pooping Masturbator. This is by far, one of the most bizarre, and absurd, stories I have ever heard. Where did this occur? Of course, in the great weird State of Florida. I would expect nothing else. As a matter of fact, I can usually tell if a story occurred in Florida, just by how absurd it is. The more absurd the circumstances, the more likely it happened in Florida. I have already written about this Florida phenomena, so enough about that. Every time, I think things could not possibly get anymore more absurd, it does.

OK, Let’s dive right into today’s story…..

Just imagine this happened to you, if you dare. Seriously!, OK, it’s about 7:00 PM, or so, you are hanging out in your bedroom, doing whatever, just you, your spouse, significant other, partner, friend with benefits, whoever. It doesn’t really matter. Suddenly, you both hear a noise, a really, really, loud noise, something loud, like thunder.

You head outside to investigate this really annoying, loud sound. Of course, this action was most likely precipitated by your spouse, imploring, no demanding, that you go out, and see what it is, while she stayed inside, and waited in the relative safety of the bedroom.

As you head outside, looking for the source of the annoying noise, you look up, and what do you see? There is a naked guy on top of your roof. Before you can react, the naked roof guy suddenly, jumps down from the roof, and lands right on top of you. The impact of of the flying naked guy striking you on the left shoulder, sends you sprawling to the ground. See, you should have just put your foot down, and said; Hell No, and stayed inside.

It gets even more absurd my friends, trust me, I am not making this stuff up.As you are laying on the ground, stunned, the flying naked guy, gets up and runs into the house, which in your irritation at being ordered by your partner to go check out the noise, you inadvertently left the front door wide open. This turns out to be a serious mistake. The flying naked guy proceeds to rip the nice, large, flat screen TV right off the wall. That’s right, he rips it right off the wall. To make matters worse, the flying naked guy, now, to be referred to as the, naked running around guy, grabs the vacuum cleaner, and proceeds to fling the contents from the vacuum cleaner, all over the living room.

It gets even more absurd my friends, this is absurd on steroids. Like I said, I am not making this stuff up. Remember this is Florida, after all.

About this time, your spouse, significant other, partner, friend with benefits, whoever hears the commotion in the living room, and runs out of the bedroom with a handgun. She fires several shots, BANG!, BANG!, BANG!, BANG!, BANG! Of course, she misses the running around naked guy. If you can’t hit a running around naked guy, in your living room, at near point blank range, you may want to reconsider owning a hand gun. All she succeeded in doing, was making holes in their nice living room walls.

OK, Here’s the point where we move from the totally absurd, into the realm of the truly bizarre. Don’t say I didn’t warn you. Consider yourself warned. If you are squeamish stop reading right now!

This strange guy, evidently, has many super hero like talents. Aside from jumping from the roof, naked, and unharmed, he is also able to dodge speeding bullets, at near point blank range. The near miss from the bullets must have had some effect on running around naked guy, as he proceeded to take a sh-t on the living room floor, literally. (This was discovered after Sheriff’s Deputies arrived). About this time you manage to call 911, and proceed to tell the 911 operator all about how a naked guy ran into your home, and is wrecking havoc. Thank God! Law Enforcement is on the way. Could things get any worse?

About this time running around naked guy starts masturbating in the living room, that’s right, he was spanking the monkey, choking the chicken, right there in the living room. He left a nice sample of, Ah, Um, Um, lets just say, he left a sample of bodily fluid, or DNA, right there on the living room floor.

I think it was very thoughtful of running around naked guy to leave a couple of different types of shall we say, DNA samples, so Law Enforcement could make an easy case against him. Naked running around guy then proceeded to run into your sons bedroom and proceed to rub some of the kids clothing on his face.

About this time, running around naked guy proceeds to take another s–t, that’s right, he defecates again, right on the kid’s bedroom floor. Talk about someone being full of s–t. Evidently, this must be another one of naked running around guy’s super powers, some sort of biological weapon. At some point during the excitement, naked running around guy, apparently sucked up the contents of the vacuum cleaner, and proceeded to spit it back out. I have no idea, what this super power would be useful for, unless it is some sort of defense mechanism to temporally blind your opponents.

When Sheriffs Deputies finally arrive, naked running around guy was flailing around, and talking nonsense. The Deputies, finally got naked running around guy, subdued, and in custody. He was transported to a local hospital where Doctor’s reportedly said, they were going to run tests, to find out what  running around naked guy, was on. Ya, Think! That would probably be an outstanding idea. Those Doctors are really smart, I tell you.

Naked running around guy, was ultimately arrested, and charged with criminal mischief, battery, occupied burglary, and resisting arrest without violence.

As it turns out, naked running around guy was a carnival worker. I have no idea if this has any relevance, or not, I am just relaying the facts.

If your heads ready to explode, or already has, don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Let’s think about this for a minute. This naked carnival worker managed to do all this in a very short period of time.

  • Somehow, got onto the roof, naked. Maybe he levitated up there.
  • Jumped off the roof, and landed right on you, and was some how not even injured.
  • Ran into your house, ripped down down the flat screen TV off the wall.
  • Flung the contents of a vacuum all over the floor.
  • Dodged speeding bullets fired at near point blank range.
  • Masturbated in the living room.
  • Rubbed clothes on his face in the kid’s room.
  • Defecated (sh-t) on the floor in the living room and the kid’s room.
  • Drank the contents of the vacuum, and spit it back out.

At this point I usually try to give you guys an “Important Safety Tip”, so you can prevent this from ever happening to you. Honestly, even though I am, Tom Dye The Safety Guy, I am at a complete loss for words. I don’t have the slightest idea what advice I could give. Even I, would be stunned into total disbelief. Let’s just hope that this is some sort of isolated incident, and doesn’t become a nationwide trend.

As always,

I am…Tom Dye, The Safety Guy

Become a follower today and receive a notifications of new content as soon as it’s posted.
If you enjoy this blog, Please tell your friends, family and co-workers. Post a link on Facebook,, Twitter, Google+, share it by email, or shout it from the roof to unsuspecting passersby. Your support is genuinely appreciated.

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