Rough Day For Alleged Violent Naked Pooping Masturbator. This is by far, one of the most bizarre, and absurd, stories I have ever heard. Where did this occur? Of course, in the great weird State of Florida. I would expect nothing else. As a matter of fact, I can usually tell if a story occurred in Florida, just by how absurd it is. The more absurd the circumstances, the more likely it happened in Florida. I have already written about this Florida phenomena, so enough about that. Every time, I think things could not possibly get anymore more absurd, it does.
OK, Let’s dive right into today’s story…..
Just imagine this happened to you, if you dare. Seriously!, OK, it’s about 7:00 PM, or so, you are hanging out in your bedroom, doing whatever, just you, your spouse, significant other, partner, friend with benefits, whoever. It doesn’t really matter. Suddenly, you both hear a noise, a really, really, loud noise, something loud, like thunder.
You head outside to investigate this really annoying, loud sound. Of course, this action was most likely precipitated by your spouse, imploring, no demanding, that you go out, and see what it is, while she stayed inside, and waited in the relative safety of the bedroom.
As you head outside, looking for the source of the annoying noise, you look up, and what do you see? There is a naked guy on top of your roof. Before you can react, the naked roof guy suddenly, jumps down from the roof, and lands right on top of you. The impact of of the flying naked guy striking you on the left shoulder, sends you sprawling to the ground. See, you should have just put your foot down, and said; Hell No, and stayed inside.
It gets even more absurd my friends, trust me, I am not making this stuff up.As you are laying on the ground, stunned, the flying naked guy, gets up and runs into the house, which in your irritation at being ordered by your partner to go check out the noise, you inadvertently left the front door wide open. This turns out to be a serious mistake. The flying naked guy proceeds to rip the nice, large, flat screen TV right off the wall. That’s right, he rips it right off the wall. To make matters worse, the flying naked guy, now, to be referred to as the, naked running around guy, grabs the vacuum cleaner, and proceeds to fling the contents from the vacuum cleaner, all over the living room.
It gets even more absurd my friends, this is absurd on steroids. Like I said, I am not making this stuff up. Remember this is Florida, after all.
About this time, your spouse, significant other, partner, friend with benefits, whoever hears the commotion in the living room, and runs out of the bedroom with a handgun. She fires several shots, BANG!, BANG!, BANG!, BANG!, BANG! Of course, she misses the running around naked guy. If you can’t hit a running around naked guy, in your living room, at near point blank range, you may want to reconsider owning a hand gun. All she succeeded in doing, was making holes in their nice living room walls.
OK, Here’s the point where we move from the totally absurd, into the realm of the truly bizarre. Don’t say I didn’t warn you. Consider yourself warned. If you are squeamish stop reading right now!
This strange guy, evidently, has many super hero like talents. Aside from jumping from the roof, naked, and unharmed, he is also able to dodge speeding bullets, at near point blank range. The near miss from the bullets must have had some effect on running around naked guy, as he proceeded to take a sh-t on the living room floor, literally. (This was discovered after Sheriff’s Deputies arrived). About this time you manage to call 911, and proceed to tell the 911 operator all about how a naked guy ran into your home, and is wrecking havoc. Thank God! Law Enforcement is on the way. Could things get any worse?
About this time running around naked guy starts masturbating in the living room, that’s right, he was spanking the monkey, choking the chicken, right there in the living room. He left a nice sample of, Ah, Um, Um, lets just say, he left a sample of bodily fluid, or DNA, right there on the living room floor.
I think it was very thoughtful of running around naked guy to leave a couple of different types of shall we say, DNA samples, so Law Enforcement could make an easy case against him. Naked running around guy then proceeded to run into your sons bedroom and proceed to rub some of the kids clothing on his face.
About this time, running around naked guy proceeds to take another s–t, that’s right, he defecates again, right on the kid’s bedroom floor. Talk about someone being full of s–t. Evidently, this must be another one of naked running around guy’s super powers, some sort of biological weapon. At some point during the excitement, naked running around guy, apparently sucked up the contents of the vacuum cleaner, and proceeded to spit it back out. I have no idea, what this super power would be useful for, unless it is some sort of defense mechanism to temporally blind your opponents.
When Sheriffs Deputies finally arrive, naked running around guy was flailing around, and talking nonsense. The Deputies, finally got naked running around guy, subdued, and in custody. He was transported to a local hospital where Doctor’s reportedly said, they were going to run tests, to find out what running around naked guy, was on. Ya, Think! That would probably be an outstanding idea. Those Doctors are really smart, I tell you.
Naked running around guy, was ultimately arrested, and charged with criminal mischief, battery, occupied burglary, and resisting arrest without violence.
As it turns out, naked running around guy was a carnival worker. I have no idea if this has any relevance, or not, I am just relaying the facts.
If your heads ready to explode, or already has, don’t say I didn’t warn you.
Let’s think about this for a minute. This naked carnival worker managed to do all this in a very short period of time.
- Somehow, got onto the roof, naked. Maybe he levitated up there.
- Jumped off the roof, and landed right on you, and was some how not even injured.
- Ran into your house, ripped down down the flat screen TV off the wall.
- Flung the contents of a vacuum all over the floor.
- Dodged speeding bullets fired at near point blank range.
- Masturbated in the living room.
- Rubbed clothes on his face in the kid’s room.
- Defecated (sh-t) on the floor in the living room and the kid’s room.
- Drank the contents of the vacuum, and spit it back out.
At this point I usually try to give you guys an “Important Safety Tip”, so you can prevent this from ever happening to you. Honestly, even though I am, Tom Dye The Safety Guy, I am at a complete loss for words. I don’t have the slightest idea what advice I could give. Even I, would be stunned into total disbelief. Let’s just hope that this is some sort of isolated incident, and doesn’t become a nationwide trend.
I am…Tom Dye, The Safety Guy
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