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Tales oF the Absurd, Original Satire, Politics, Religion & News Commentary

Month: August 2016 Page 4 of 19

Cops: Accused Sex Offender Claims To Receive Justin Bieber ‘Brainwave Messages

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On August 24, 2016

In Tales of the Absurd

Cops: Accused Sex Offender Claims To Receive Justin Bieber ‘Brainwave Messages’, I knew it. Justin Bieber, The jig is up, so you can, STOP IT RIGHT NOW!I always suspected that there was something about Justin Bieber, but I couldn’t quite put my finger on it. Now, the full scope of this evil melody mans master plan has been revealed. I am finally able to warn the rest of you about this monsters true nature. Apparently, because, I am, Tom Dye, The Safety Guy, I am immune to Justin Bieber’s brainwave messages. Now, the rest of the world is going to know as well, and there is nothing Justin Bieber can do about it.

The world might have been totally unaware of Justin Bieber’s true evil were it not for a convicted sex offender, who when arrested by the Police, blurted out that he was receiving “brainwave messages” from Justin Bieber, telling him to, go see the kids. I always had my suspicions about Justin Bieber, but it was just one of those feelings where you knew something just wasn’t right. Kind of like when you get the feeling that someone is watching you, you can’t explain it, you just know.

The clues were there all along, I just failed to notice them. Here’s a guy  that is stupidly popular. I mean insanely popular. Young girls scream, and faint, at his concerts, or other appearances. Grown women talk about having “Bieber Fever” and incessantly talk about this guy. Apparently, Justin Bieber could sing the words to “Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star” and make it a number1, worldwide hit. But why? How does he have such a hold on young and old alike?

Sure, Justin Bieber is talented, for a pop singer. I fail to see how he is any more talented than Katy Perry, Rihanna, Shakira, Beyonce, or Xtina. You don’t see young people screaming, and fainting, at their concerts, adults don’t swoon at the mere mention of their names. Not that I am an expert on pop music, as I don’t listen to it myself.So, what makes Justin Bieber stand out from the rest of the top charting pop artists? Justin Bieber sends out ‘Brainwave messages’, that’s how.

It took a ‘brainwave messaged’ convicted sex offender, to enable me to finally see what this evil genus, Justin Bieber, was actually up to. Obviously, this convicted sex offender was the wrong person to receive these ‘brainwave messages’. Before this sex offender could be programmed to forget the the whole thing, he was arrested by the Police, and accidentally blurted out, that he was receiving these ‘brainwave messages’.

So, how is Justin Bieber, sending out these brainwave messages? I believe that it has something to do with that headset he wears all the time.  The evidence is inconclusive, but this is the only explanation that fits all the facts as I know them.

I have seen Justin Bieber in interviews, and he obviously is not using any kind of hypnosis trick or anything like that. He seems like a regular guy, just a kid actually, certainly not a rocket scientist, or Harvard intellectual. I actually thought his speaking voice, and attitude, was kind of annoying.

No, whatever Justin Bieber is doing to send his brainwave messages, it has to be some sort of electronic device, and that headset, is the key to it all. I know all about technology, and I am certain that what he is doing is well within the realm of technical feasibility. All it takes is money. So, what is Justin Bieber’s motive? Why would he perpetrate such a such a horrifyingly perverse crime against humanity? To make even more money, of course. He is not the only one utilizing this ‘brain messaging’ technique, there are others as well.

I know, it’s scary to think about but, The United States Government has been studying this sort of mass mind control, ‘brainwave messaging’ thing for decades. Seriously, think about it. The good people of Minnesota, have elected Michele Bachmann to The United States Congress 3 or 4 times, in a row. How do you explain that? This is obviously the product of mass brainwave messaging.

Here’s another example, The Church of Scientology. This was started 1953 by pulp fiction/science fiction author, L. Ron Hubbard. A church founded by a science fiction author, a so called religion, that charges it’s members for different levels of enlightenment. Did I mention that L. Ron Hubbard was a pulp fiction/science fiction author? Seriously? There are estimates that somewhere around 200,000 people around the world might actually believe in this science fiction, with a strong emphasis on the “fiction” part. Really! You have got to be f–king kidding me. L. Ron Hubbard was just a second rate, mediocre, science fiction author, at best.

If you were really compelled to believe in a bogus made-up religion, created from the mind of a science fiction author, at least you could follow one, created by one of the science fiction masters, the likes of; Arthur C. Clark, or Frank Herbert.  At least these guys would have created something far more respected, and ultimately, more believable. Have you ever read the ‘Dune’ series of books, by Frank Herbert? If you haven’t, you should.

There is no other possible rational explanation for why anyone would vote for Michele Bachmann even once, none the less 3 or 4 times, or The Church of Scientology, founded by a pulp fiction/science fiction author. The only reasons for any rational, intelligent, thinking, human beings to even consider these two examples, is because they were quite obviously under the influence of some kind of ‘brainwave messaging’. Think about it!Who in their right mind would buy into any of this nonsensical clap trap? I am sure that the conspiracy theory nut’s, have a lot better handle on this, than I do. You can always Google it, if you want to learn more.

You might be asking yourselves, How is it that, Tom Dye, The Safety Guy, is immune to these bizarre, and irrational,  brainwave messages? I have a theory about that as well. I believe, my so called “immunity” is due to my obsessive listening to Patti Smith, over, and over, and over.
I actually saw her live, and up close twice. I am not talking about that flash-in-the-pan, Patty Smyth, I am talking about, the the real deal, The High Priestess of Rock n’ Roll, The Godmother of Punk.

That’s right, Patti Smith, the poet, author, and musical genius, has always been my inspiration, and protection against strange, and irrational, brainwave messages. Patti Smith’s basic truths, inspirational poetry, and words, have the power to shield me, and you, from the ‘brainwave messages’ from Michelle Bachman, The Church of Scientology, and Yes, even Justin Bieber. There are many, many, others as well, far too many, to mention here.

Trust me, when I say, that if you too, start obsessively listening to, and reading, Patti Smith, you will also be immune from strange, irrational, ‘brainwave messages’ as well. This has worked for me, my loved ones, as well as, a close circle of friends, since 1975. I have found that the Patti Smith’s song’s, “Pissing in a River”, “Ain’t it Strange”, and “People Have the Power”,
are especially powerful. I always seem to see reality with far more clarity after listening any one of these songs.

So, Justin Bieber, Michele Bachmann, The Church of Scientology, Rush Limbaugh, Glenn Beck, and all the rest of you, irrational, brainwave messengers, the truth is out there, we will not go quietly, like cattle to the slaughter. We know what you are up to, and it won’t work. We have a powerful weapon in our arsenal, and we are not afraid to use it.

Important Safety Tips:
If you see any of these brainwave messengers on TV, immediately change the channel.
If you hear any of these brainwave messengers on the radio, immediately change the station.
If you have any of Justin Bieber’s music on your media player, delete it, right now.
Do not ever watch any of the ‘brainwave messengers’ video’s on YouTube.

I also suggest you read the following verse from Patti Smith’s song, “The People Have The Power”. Repeat it, over, and over, in your head, and see for yourself, how much more mental clarity you can gain, in just a few short minutes.

The People Have The Power, by Patti Smith, from her 1988 album, Dream of Life.

Verse 1
I was dreaming in my dreaming
Of an aspect bright and fair
And my sleeping it was broken
But my dream it lingered near
In the form of shining valleys
Where the pure air recognized
And my senses newly opened
I awakened to the cry
That the people / have the power
To redeem / the work of fools
Upon the meek / the graces shower
It’s decreed / the people rule

The people have the power

The people have the power

The people have the power

As always,

I am…

Tom Dye, The Safety Guy

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BEWARE: Catholic Church Launches Exorcist Hotline

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On August 23, 2016

In Religion, Tales of the Absurd

BEWARE: Catholic Church Launches Exorcist Hotline. I had no idea that demonic possession, or the need for exorcisms was so great, that the Catholic Church actually needs an “Exorcism Hotline”; Furthermore, did you know that a diocese in Europe actually doubled the amount of Priests qualified to perform exorcisms?

The more I think about, I actually feel this is a really good idea. I don’t know about you, but I have known several people over the years that were obviously possessed. I am not talking about mental illness, as this is an entirely different thing. After all demons certainly would not mimic mental illness, as this would be a zero gain scenario. After all, if the demon causes someone to act mentally ill, they are only going to get their themselves, either put on anti-psychotic drugs, or worse, getting them, locked away in a psychiatric facility.

I wish that the church would have started this much, much, sooner. Maybe, some of these possessed people I have known could have gotten the help they needed, and gone on to live normal lives.

Let me give you a few examples so you can better understand what I am talking about.

I once knew a girl several years ago, actually a young woman. This twenty something young woman, was very attractive. She had this really strange obsession, she suddenly started reading the dictionary, for no apparent reason. She would sit on her front porch literally every day, and read the dictionary, cover to cover. I am not talking about one of those pocket dictionaries that you see every day. Oh no, I am talking about one of those huge hardbound, unabridged, reference dictionaries, the ones that are like 6″ thick, and are filled with that really, really, small print.

This was the kind of reference dictionary that you used to see sitting open on a stand in a public library. Don’t get me wrong there is nothing unusual about looking something up in a dictionary. Most of us will periodically spend maybe 2-3 minutes looking up a specific word, so we can find the exact meaning, or to determine the proper spelling of a particular word.

The highly unusual part about this young woman’s sudden obsession with reading the dictionary, and I mean, literally reading the dictionary, Just like any normal person  would read a novel or text-book, is that she started using words and phrases that no human beings had used, or heard of, in hundreds of years. It didn’t take long before the rest of us could barely understand anything she was saying. We eventually gave up trying.

I didn’t care how attractive she was, if I had to use a dictionary just to translate all the arcane words, and phrases that she included in virtually every sentence she spoke, then trust me it wasn’t worth effort. I just used to nod my head and smile every time she spoke.

Obviously, this young woman was possessed, as no human being reads the entire unabridged reference dictionary, like the latest best-selling novel, or suddenly starts speaking in an arcane form of the English language, consisting almost entirely of ancient words and phrases.

Or, I once had a very good friend a few years ago. John, was his name. This guy, used to spontaneously start speaking in some sort of ancient lost language. Whatever this ancient language was, John was apparently quite fluent in it. Now, this weird language, John spoke, sounded something like one of those situations where someone in a religious altered state, starts “Speaking in Tongues”.  All I know is nobody was ever able to identify this language, or understand a single word of it.

This used to happen every single time John would have four or five beers. I know what your thinking, and no, this was not the standard drunk-slurred-speech that everyone laughs at. This was something else entirely. What I found really interesting was John would have no memory of  his bizarre ancient lost language skills the next morning. This is another pretty clear-cut case of demonic possession.

Lastly, years ago for a short period of time, I used to date this girl named Tracy. She was attractive, smart and very funny. You see, Tracy used to like to drink wine, I think she thought it made her look sophisticated or something.  After only two or three small glasses, she would suddenly transform into the Spawn of Satan. Talk about being possessed. This was truly a scary experience. Of course, I would immediately become the prime target for her inhuman demonic, fury.

Did you know that wine is one of the oldest alcoholic beverages? It is. It’s not surprising that a demon would manifest itself through wine. After all, Demons must be vary familiar with wine. Demons may even have even been the first to discover wine.

It only took me about a month for me to very delicately break it off with Tracy.
I had no desire to be murdered in my sleep by this demonically possessed, Spawn of Satan. Tracy actually seemed to take the breakup pretty well, at least I thought so initially.I even survived the encounter without a scratch. But, I couldn’t have been more wrong.

First, the phone calls started, at all hours, day and night. I would answer the phone, and the person at the other end would hang up. This was prior to cell phones, so this was my land line phone.  This was extremely annoying. I assumed it was Tracy, but I had no way to know for sure. Then things took on a really bizarre twist.

I started noticing that Tracy was following me, not directly behind me, but maybe two or three cars back. This would happen very regularly. I would see her when I was coming home from work, when I was going to a friend’s house, or even going to, or going home from a night club. She would follow me basically everywhere I went.

When someone is following me, I always notice. It’s not that I am paranoid, just the opposite, I just pay attention to my surroundings. This may be part of my built-in survival instinct developed from being born and raised in Southern California.
This was much more unsettling then annoying, as I never knew what she might be up to. I took precautions like purchasing a locking gas cap, as well as inspecting my car, when I was leaving somewhere. I once a found a handful of nails behind both rear tires.

This bizarre behavior continued for two or three weeks. It got so bad, that if I had a date, I would actually drive over to a friend’s house, and swap cars. My friend, another single guy, had two cars, and his garage was at the back of his house. The garage opened up into a small ally. I used to park my car in front of his house, and borrow one of his cars, and leave out the back. I would reverse this process, when I returned.
Once, I actually saw Tracy, parked down the street. My elaborate ruse apparently worked.

To be extra safe, I always took my dates somewhere where Tracy and I had never been to. These must have been pretty prudent precautions, as we never ran into Tracy, anywhere we went. Eventually, Tracy, the Spawn of Satan, found another unsuspecting guy. I never did find out if this new guy, survived his encounter with Tracy, or not. I hope so, I wouldn’t wish her on anyone.

As you can plainly see, by these three examples, all three people were obviously possessed. I have many more examples as well. I would be willing to bet, that each of you, has had similar experiences with demonically possessed people in your own lives as well.

I think that the church should franchise this “Exorcism Hotline”, all over the world, in every country, and every major city. They could even open smaller branches in small towns. They could even have a fleet of; Exorcism Rapid Response Mini Vans. This way they could respond, on a moments notice. Just like Domino’s pizza, delivered in 30 minutes or less, or it’s free.

Think about it, Your friend or loved one starts showing signs of demonic possession, whether it be at home, a restaurant,  theater, or anywhere else. All you would have to do is, call the toll-free exorcism hotline, and a trained exorcist would be dispatched to your location in minutes. Certainly, the next level would be to create a mobile app for android and i-phones, that you could use to summon the exorcist, with all the pertinent details, and the possessed persons photo included, prior to his arrival.

I can see it now, the exorcist, zips in, performs a quick exorcism, you pay the man, and he zips out. A few short minutes later, you could be on your way, demon free.

What could be more convenient. I wonder how much they charge for these type of exorcism services? Is tipping customary? I hope they take credit cards.

As always,

I am…

Tom Dye, The Safety Guy

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Stolen Train Crashes Into Apartment Building

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On August 23, 2016

In Tales of the Absurd

Stolen Train Crashes Into Apartment Building!  Seriously? A cleaning woman, whose only job. was to clean the trains, stole an empty, four car commuter train, from a train depot in Sweden. She drove the train about a mile, to the suburbs of Stockholm. Of course, you already know, this could only end very, very, badly. This cleaning woman, (maybe she was a wannabe, Junior Train Engineer) crashed the train into an apartment building. No one was killed, but the poor train stealing, cleaning woman, was seriously injured.

For some reason, the original story made a big point of stating, that the woman was born in 1990. I am not sure what the significance of her being born in 1990 is, but evidently, it must be important. Is there something special about people born in 1990? Or does this only apply to Swedish women, born in this particular year? This probably requires, a lot more in depth research. This sounds exactly like something the conspiracy theorist’s should be looking into.

Thank God, for once, this story did not take place in the State of Florida. It seems that the most bizarre stories you have ever heard of, almost always seem to take place in Florida. I believe this is due to a combination of; The extreme heat, 100% humidity, as well as, some sort of psychosis inducing chemicals, in the water supply. Obviously, I don’t drink the water.

Back to the train stealing, cleaning woman, born in 1990. This story provokes a lot of questions.

One of the questions that immediately came to mind, is how exactly did a Swedish cleaning woman, born in 1990, steal a commuter train? Did someone inadvertently leave the keys in the ignition? If so, it would seem to me, to be an invitation for anybody, to steal the train, or at the very least, take it out for a little joy ride.

You don’t ever leave your keys in your car’s ignition, so why would you leave the keys in a train? Maybe the train Engineer, left the keys on top of the sun visor, or under the seat. I have seen that scenario, in several movies, over the years.

Do you think it’s possible that the cleaning woman hot wired the ignition?  I have no idea how a train’s ignition is wired, but I assume that it must be similar to an automobile. Have you ever seen those movies where someone steals a car, by reaching up under the dashboard, ripping out a bunch of wires, connecting some of them together, and shorting out a couple of others for a second, and the car magically starts right up. You do knowwhat I’m talking about right?
I wonder, could a train be stolen the same way? If so, how is it that a cleaning woman had the skills to hotwire a train? Maybe, she learned how to do it by watching one of those do it yourself videos on YouTube.

Why would anyone even bother to steal a train anyway? Where exactly are you going to go with it? Your options are, forward or reverse. You are severely limited to which direction the tracks lead to.  It’s not like you could; evade the Police in heavy traffic, hide the train in a garage, the woods, or even some dark alleyway. So, it’s highly unlikely that someone could just swap license plates either, and nobody would ever be the wiser.

I am pretty certain that if I were a Police Officer, and received a call about a stolen train, I would just simply follow the train tracks, until I spotted it. I think I would notice it, even if it was currently partially hidden inside somebody’s living room. I don’t believe it would take me very long to find it, apprehend the suspect, snap a few pictures, take some fingerprints, fill out a stupid amount of departmental paperwork, and still be done in plenty of time for lunch.

Well, the more I think about it, stopping a moving train may be just a little bit challenging. Using standard, Police issue “stop sticks” would not be effective at all, as trains don’t get flat tires, as a matter of fact , did you know, trains don’t even have tires. I am still pretty sure that I could figure something out. Either way, I would still be done, long before lunchtime.

I am sure that by now, you are asking yourselves the obvious question…..What the f*ck, was an apartment building doing on the train tracks? Exactly! That is the very first question I asked myself. Well, I have all the answers. Grab a drink, sit down, put your feet up, and relax. We are going to explore the most absurd aspect of this entire story, right now.

First of all, I don’t know about Sweden, but, let me say that, in the United States, and even in, the great weird State of Florida, we don’t ever build houses, apartments, or office buildings, on top of railroad tracks. I am pretty sure that there is a law against this sort of thing. This dates back to the old adage; “If you build it, they will come”. In this case if you build an apartment building on the railroad tracks, a train will come.  I do know, that it would really suck, if a huge train ended up in your living room, garage, lobby, or anywhere else, in your home, or office, for that matter.

Since I am, Tom Dye, the Safety Guy, I am also extra careful while crossing even old, and abandoned looking railroad tracks. I always slow down, and look both ways. Some of my associates think I am being a little too cautious. But, after reading this story, I feel absolutely vindicated. Obviously, it is possible for some cleaning lady, or apparently, anyone else born in 1990, to steal a train, and wreck total havoc.

Seriously, you really don’t have any excuse for getting hit by a train. You either weren’t paying any attention, which by itself, is pretty scary,  but by being so distracted, you failed to notice a ginormous train, heading right towards you, I think you shouldn’t be driving at all. This is kind of like walking directly into the side of a multistory building, and then exclaiming that, you didn’t even see the building. Maybe you shouldn’t be out walking either.

If that happened to me, and I somehow survived, I would be seriously embarrassed. Besides, a Judge would most likely take away my drivers license, just for being an idiot. I can just imagine how every time I walked out my front door, several TV news crews would be camped out on the lawn, just waiting for me. They would certainly bring their super bright television lights, and would be shouting questions at me like: Hey! Tom Dye, The Safety Guy, how does it feel to be a convicted idiot? Seriously, I really don’t think that I could deal with that.

OK, so what are the main points we can take away from this story?

  1. Always keep trains locked and secured. The keys should always be stored in a safeandsecure location.
  2. Do not ever allow a cleaning woman born in 1990, or quite possibly, anyone else born that same year, anywhere near a  train, especially unsupervised.
  3. Do not build an apartment building on the railroad tracks. (Or, at the very least, do not build an apartment building so close to railroad tracks, that if a train derailed, it would end up in your living room).

Important Safety Tip: Always remember, Things can turn to sh!t at any moment, and just as importantly, Expect the unexpected.

As always, 

I am…

Tom Dye, The Safety Guy

Become a follower today and receive a notifications of new content as soon as it’s posted.
If you enjoy this blog, Please tell your friends, family and co-workers. Post a link on Facebook,, Twitter, Google+, share it by email, or shout it from the roof to unsuspecting passersby. Your support is genuinely appreciated.

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