Stolen Krispy Kreme Truck Results In High-Speed Police Chase, Warning : This story contains excessive donut jokes!

This thief found out the hard way that this was a serious f–king mistake. Other then armored trucks full of cash, there is nothing else that the Cops would take more seriously then stealing their donuts.

As the story goes a Krispy Kreme donut truck driver was making a delivery, when a thief looking for a quick sugar high, jumped into the unoccupied donut truck and took off. Usually when a story is this absurd, it most likely happened in the great weird State of Florida. Well my friends, this time this tragic story actually happened in the State of Georgia. Both states share a border with each other, so close enough.

The fist thing that occurs to me is even if this half-wit could somehow manage to evade 75 Cop cars, helicopters, road blocks, stop-sticks, and whatever else, what would he do with an entire truck of Krispy Kreme donuts anyway?

There is no way in hell that this whack job could eat all of them even if he tried. I could see that he may be able to choke down maybe a dozen of so. Even eating a dozen Krispy Kreme donets may be fatal for the amount of sugar, fat, cholesterol, salt and calories, he would be consuming at once. I did some quick research on the nutritional value of Krispy Kreme donuts and what I found made my eyes glaze over.

The average Krispy Kreme donut contains 200 calories, 12g fat, 6g saturated fat, 10g sugar and 95g of salt.. Keep in mind that this is for each donut. so by using some simple math, if this wing-nut were to consume only one dozen of these stolen donuts, he would be consuming;

  • 2,400 calories
  • 144g fat
  • 72g saturated fat
  • 120g sugar
  • 1,140g salt

All this in one sitting, you might as well just do this in the emergency room, as this is where he would end up anyway, at least this way he could save himself a trip. Now if he was going to try to eat all the donuts in the truck he might as well park himself in front of the morgue. For the sake of argument let’s say that there were eighty five dozen donuts left on the truck. I need to break out the calculator for this one. If this f–king moron were to consume the entire contents of the truck in one day he would be consuming:

  • 192,000,00 calories
  • 12,240.00 grams of fat
  • 6,120 grams of saturated fat
  • 10,200 grams of sugar
  • 96,900 grams of salt

Maybe this guy was going to attempt to commit suicide or death by Krispy Kreme. Hey, I have heard of more bizarre things than that. If you have been a regular reader of this blog, then you know it as well.

Maybe this moron thought he would be standing on a street corner in some seedy neighborhood and trying to sell a dozen donuts at at a time, at incredibly discounted prices. You know what I mean, like those shady charters in New York City, trying to pass off fake Rolex watches for $50.00 each to unsuspecting rubes. I can see it know this donut hole, standing on the corner in a trench coat, every time a person passes by he starts his spiel, Psssst! Psssst, Hey you! Want to buy a dozen fresh Krispy Kreme donuts? only $5.00 a dozen?

The most important aspect of this morons entire plan was, the Cops were never going to let him get away with it. There was no way in hell that the Cops were going to put up with a local shortage of Krispy Kreme donuts. As far as the Cops were concerned, this was a major crime that in no way would be allowed to happen, no way, no how. This dim-wit didn’t stand a chance. Hell, some unlucky sap, caught red handed, sleeping with both of the Police Chief’s daughters at the same time, wouldn’t rate this high, as far as crimes go.

Just try and picture this, a dozen or more Cop cars, with lights flashing, sirens blaring, chasing after a Krispy Kreme donut truck speeding down a major highway. Seriously, if this was me, I would probably get into an accident, just from laughing so hard, this would be the epitome of every Cop and donut story ever told.

Believe it or not, this high speed police chase lasted for over 15 miles. The Police chase exceeded speeds of over 70 milesw an hour, evidently Krispy Kreme donut trucks son’t have the ability to go any faster. Finally, the Cops chased down this guy onto a dead end, residential street, where the deranged Krispy Kreme donut truck thief was finally overcome by donut fumes and crashed into a mailbox.

The deranged Krispy Kreme donut truck thief, high on donut fumes, attempted to escape on foot. He was soon apprehended by a K-9 Police dog. All I know for sure is this is one hell of a trained K-9 Police dog. I have a dog, Homer. Homer, would be able to find the Krispy Kreme donut truck right away, even it it was buried underground. Trying to find the donut thief with all those donut fumes emanating from the Krispy Kreme donut truck would be way too much of a distraction for Homer.

The Krispy Kreme donut thief was ultimately caught and arrested. I wonder how much of the trucks contents made it into the Police evidence locker. Do you think that Krispy Kreme offered the Police a reward of one month’s supply of Krispy Kreme donuts? Nah! I doubt it.

As always,

I am…

Tom Dye, The Safety Guy

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