Disgruntled Beaver trashes Dollar Store After Discovering Trees Are Fake!

Charlotte Hall, Maryland – This is a sad but true story. You really can’t make this stuff up.

A Beaver, yes a real Beaver, you know the furry kind with buck-teeth and a flat tail wandered into a Dollar Store in Charlotte Hill, Maryland, looking for a real Christmas tree to make the holidays a little more cheerful for her Beaver family.

Photo, courtesy of The St. Mary's Sheriff's Office

Photo, courtesy of The St. Mary’s County Sheriff’s Office

Seriously, This is one Beaver that I actually understand, and I fully support. We’ve all been there. You go into a local Dollar Store searching for that one item that will really make your family smile during the holiday season, only to discover that everything available is anything but that perfect item that you’re looking for. To make matters worse, anything you can find turns out to be nothing more than a cheap Chinese knock-off of the real thing.

Truth be told, all of us should be supporting Beavers. Beaver’s have it far worse the anyone of us can imagine. Climate change, deforestation, as well as, illegal tree poaching and not to mention Federal logging restriction’s, meant that there were virtually no “REAL” Christmas trees to be found anywhere near Mrs. Beaver’s family lodge and surrounding community along the river.

Unfortunately, this sad story is not just an isolated incident involving Mrs. Beaver, her community and especially her immediate family. This tragic scenario is happening right now at virtually every Beaver lodge, and to every Beaver family, across the entire country.

This dire situation has made it almost impossible for poor Beaver families to live any kind of normal existence. Sadly, nobody is standing up and advocating for Beavers rights. I am not just advocating for only Mrs. Beaver and her family. Oh no!,

I am advocating for all Beavers, young, old, and in-between. I am not just going to stand idly by while the Beavers entire existence is being threatened. I intend on righting this wrong, right here, right now.

Let me just say right now, I love Beavers, I support Beavers, and my intention is to bring their plight to the attention of the media, and anyone else who will listen.

So, back to our story….. Poor Mrs. Beaver walked all the way into town from the far away woods near, the river, in the freezing cold. Before you even ask, obviously, Mrs. Beaver walked into town because as everyone knows Beavers can’t drive because they are way too short, and can’t reach the brake, or gas pedal.

After a 3 1/2 hour perilous journey all the way into the closest town, all the while dodging poachers, oncoming traffic, and other close calls with serious injury, or even death, Mrs. Beaver finally arrived at the Charlotte Hall, Dollar Store. She was a very determined Beaver.

Mrs. Beaver knew exactly what she was looking for, she had been dreaming of, and skimping, and saving, all year-long just to buy a nice, Douglas Fir, or Blue Spruce, “REAL” Christmas tree. This year-long sacrifice was just to surprise the kids, and she was determined to give them the very best Christmas they ever had, she rushed into the store and headed straight to the Christmas aisle.

Photo courtesy of The St. Mary's Sheriff's Office

Photo courtesy of The St. Mary’s County Sheriff’s Office

As Mrs. Beaver was perusing the selection of Christmas trees, checking every box and label, she slowing came to the realization that her entire journey, as well as a full year’s worth of skimping and saving for this very moment, was all for nothing.

WTF???? She now realized that everything she had hoped and dreamed of was just one big retail Christmas con-job. You see there were no “REAL Christmas trees. The only Christmas trees to be found were nothing more than cheap, plastic, Chinese knock-off’s of real wood Christmas trees. Obviously, Beavers are experts on trees. Mrs. Beaver wasn’t fooled, not for even a moment.

When the realization slowly set in that everything she had been dreaming of was never going to happen, the mild-mannered Mrs. Beaver suddenly just snapped. In a fit of rage, she started trashing everything in her path.

Photo courtesy of: The St. Mary's Sheriff's Office

Photo courtesy of: The St. Mary’s County Sheriff’s Office

Terrified shoppers ran out of the store in a panic, store employees locked themselves inside the back storeroom, and eventually, somebody called 911, and The St. Mary’s County Sheriff’s Department responded.

Mrs. Beaver was apprehended and immediately arrested and jailed without bond.

For a lot of us, this would be the end of the story, but not for Mrs. Beaver, this is where her story actually begins……

Once Mrs. Beaver was hauled off to jail and denied bail by the judge, the 24-hour cable news media picked up her story. Her story was just as quickly shared on FaceBook, and Twitter, and re-shared hundreds of thousands of times. It didn’t take long before thousands of people around the country were demanding the immediate release of Mrs. Beaver.  When the local Sheriff declined, hundreds of people soon began to descend upon the small town of Charlotte Hall, MD.

It soon became apparent to the local small town Law Enforcement that they had made a serious mistake. You see, Mrs. Beaver is a North American Beaver and one of the original Native Americans. North American Beavers have been a beloved symbol of wisdom and benevolence in Native American folklore for centuries.

Mrs. Beaver’s only crime being that she was poor and distraught because she couldn’t find a single “real” American Christmas tree for her family for the holidays. Mrs. Beaver, in her utter despair and frustration, caused $3.67 worth of damage to merchandise inside the Dollar Store. People from all walks of life, from all over the country,  felt an immediate connection to Mrs. Beavers frustration, and unjust incarceration.

Soon, hundreds of Beaver supporters came streaming into town, demanding justice for Mrs. Beaver. The  protesters organized a march starting from the Beaver community on the edge of town, all the way to the jail, retracing Mrs. Beavers steps during her arduous journey into town. As the hundreds of protesters marched into town singing songs and carrying signs mostly saying “Beavers Lives Matter, “Free the Beaver”  and “Shame on you for locking up the Beaver” their numbers swelled with every passing hour until their numbers far surpassed the number of local town residents.

As the hundreds of protesters marched into town singing songs and carrying signs mostly saying “Beavers Lives Matter, “Free the Beaver”  and “Shame on you for locking up the Beaver” their numbers swelled with every passing hour until their numbers far surpassed the number of town residents..

Of course, there were also a few counter protesters yelling “Lock her up” and holding signs saying “Eat the Beaver” and “The only good Beaver is a bald Beaver”. However, these counter-protesters soon felt overwhelmed quickly dispersed into the holes from wherever they came from.

The Charlotte Hall Mayor and Town Council soon called an emergency meeting and voted unanimously to immediately release Mrs. Beaver and drop all charges against her. A kindly benefactor even paid the $3.67 in damages that were incurred at the Dollar Store.

As soon as Mrs. Beaver appeared at the front door of the Courthouse, now a free Beaver, a huge cheer, and applause arose from the crowd. After a few tearful words of thanks to her supporters, she was immediately hoisted up onto the shoulders of one of the protesters and carried all the way back to her families lodge along the river in the forest outside of town. The hundreds of protesters followed her back to her lodge all the while weeping tears of joy and singing songs.

And then…. rounding the last turn into Mrs. Beavers community of lodges, and canals along the river, still perched atop the shoulders of the protester only known as Big Bill, and followed by hundreds of her supporters, directly in front of her was a breathtaking sight.

Where there were no Christmas trees to be found as far as the eye could see now stood hundreds.

Christmas Trees

Christmas Trees

Unbeknownst to Mrs. Beaver, while she was unjustly incarcerated, hundreds of Christmas trees were donated and delivered to the Beaver community from as far away as California, Maine, and even Canada.

The entire Beaver community turned out for Mrs. Beavers triumphant return. There were many joyful tears, with songs, and dancing, well into the early morning hours. Not to mention the good food and drink for all.

As the sun slowly rose from the East, Mrs. Beaver gazed into the early morning light, and finally came to the realization she was exactly where she belonged and her life would never be the same again… and that too is exactly how it was meant to be.

As Always…

I Am,

Tom Dye, The Safety Guy


This News Commentary is an original work of satire,  from Tom Dye, The Safety Guy. 

The original news story that inspired this article can be found — “HERE”.

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