Dogs, The Four Legged Spies Amongst Us! (Part 1)

If you think you really know your dog, that faithful loving canine companion, then you have been deceived. Trust me, your dog is not who you think he or she is at all, Your canine companion is actually one of the greatest charlatans on the planet and right now is watching your every move. But why, and who are they reporting to?

I have a dog, or it may be appropriate to say I have a handler, his name is; Homer, at least that’s what I call him. What he calls himself, or what his real name is, I have no way of knowing. Homer knows I am onto him. As I’m writing this, he is attempting to thwart my efforts to get the word out.

As many of you know I write articles for Profound Revelations several times a week. Homer, never cares what I’m writing about. he just lays there staring at me and watching my every move. But not this time. Homer is all over me, standing on me, licking me and  trying his best to prevent me from typing. Generally, he is trying his damnedest to prevent me from getting this vital information out to the rest of you.

Doe’s that mean that dogs can read? at this point, it seems obvious. Don’t worry I am going to soldier on the best I can, This information is much too important to mankind to allow Homer to stop me. I shall prevail no matter what obstacles Homer places in front of me.

Besides, I have a secret weapon. I temporally distracted him by giving him one of those Beggin-Strips fake bacon dog treats. Beggin-Strips are like dog crack cocaine, this is the only thing that will keep him occupied long enough, so I can finish this article, Lucky for me, I was prepared for this eventuality and just bought a whole new bag.

Before I forget, this is Homer.

Dogs, The Four Legged Spies Amongst Us!


Homer is a Rat- Terrier/dachshund mix and he weighs about 20 pounds. As you can plainly see he is watching me very carefully and he is observing every move I make. The real question is who are dog’s actually reporting to? Seriously, think about that for a moment.

I am not just talking about Homer like he is some sort of an enigma, Oh No! I am talking about ALL dogs. And, I have submissions from other dog owners to support my point, but more on these later.

Before we get any further, I know that there are cat lovers reading this and smirking with their fake smiles. Well, you can just get off or your high horse right now. Your cat couldn’t care less if you live or die just as long as it is fed every day, and its litter box is kept clean.

The main difference between a dog and a cat is; If you’re gone for a year, a cat acts like you have been gone for ten minutes, A dog, on the other hand, If you have been gone for 10 minutes, acts like you’ve been gone for a year.

Besides, when it comes to security, a cat leaves a lot to be desired. When a cat hears a noise, it runs and hides leaving you to fend for yourself. You know I’m right. I bet you’re not smirking now, are you? But, that’s OK, as this article is not a story about cats.

Let me back up and start from the beginning, so you can get a better handle on what I’m talking about. Basically, know thy enemy.

Dogs have been spying on mankind for thousands of years now. Some scientists believe that Dogs have been with us for up to 12,000 years. Their theory is that dogs descended from early wolves. I am not talking about the modern wolves. Dogs are not descended from modern wolves. Dogs are descended from a wolf that has since gone extinct.

I find this interesting that the only animal that we could have learned about modern dogs and where they came from, was the only link that has gone extinct. Do you think that modern dogs had anything to do with this? I do.

Obviously, dogs will do anything to keep us from discovering their true nature and their real mission in life. Unfortunately, the history of the modern dog has become shrouded in mystery, and lost in the mists of time.

Even though records of the distant past are extremely fragmented and somewhat mysterious here’s what little we do know…..

Unlike any other animal on earth, dogs are incredibly socialized to humans. Dogs can easily read our emotions, body language and even understand human speech. Did you know that dogs are one of the few animals that understand that if you point at something, they don’t look at your hand, they look at what you’re pointing to. It’s true. Not to mention that Homer just demonstrated that he can read as well. (Unless, God help me, he can actually read my mind).

But why, or who, or even what’s, behind these four-legged spies amongst us?

Let’s start from the beginning when we first receive our dog into our household. Most of us are naive enough to believe that we are the ones choosing a particular dog. This is a foolish and very wrong assumption.

In reality, dogs actually choose us. Let me explain, since dogs know exactly what we want, they modify their behavior to our individual wants and desires. You may find yourself walking through the local animal shelter looking for that perfect dog when suddenly you spot the one, whether it was those sad eyes, the clownish behavior or something else but in your mind, you found the perfect canine companion. You exclaim that’s the one! You joyfully take your little dog companion home and the rest is history.

Little did you know at the time, but the dog that your think you so lovingly chose as the perfect dog, actually chose you, or was assigned to you whatever the case may be. Unbeknownst to you, you just unwittingly invited a four-legged spy to live amongst you, and your family.

You bring the little fur ball home and you suddenly have so many decisions to make, not to mention expensive purchases like Dog toys, dog beds, shots, dog food, etc.

Part 1,  Dog food.

One of the first things you learn is dogs are not happy with just dog food, oh no! Your four-legged spy won’t just settle for anything you dump into its dog bowl. Sure they might eat what you put into their bowl, but they much prefer what you are eating. This is kind of strange for an animal that licks its own butt or the cat’s butt to be such a gourmet when it comes to food.

It’s obvious at this point that dogs are not what we always thought they were. Dogs are something far more. These four-legged spies amongst us are not just going to settle for plain old dog food, oh no these creatures are far more sophisticated than that. Take Homer for an example. Remember Homer? Here’s a photo I caught of him spying on the neighbors when he’s not spying on me.

Dogs, The Four Legged Spies Amongst Us!

Homer spying on the Neighbors

Homer eats everything from broccoli, mango, green beans, cauliflower, beef, pork, lamb, fish and whatever else we cook for ourselves. Well, except for shrimp which Homer feels the need to roll on them instead of eating them. On the other hand, Homer will readily eat….. alligator.

Let me explain, A work colleague gave me several pounds of alligator (which by the way he lawfully had a permit to kill and harvest). I cooked some up and Homer gave a bit to Homer, he went nuts. He loved it even more than his favorite snack; Beggin-Strips those smelly fake bacon dog treats.

Think about it, alligators couldn’t possibly be part of a dog’s normal diet.  Homer thought it was the best thing he ever tasted. Who knew?

Seriously, when was the last time you saw a dog tear-assing across a swamp and taking down a large alligator?

I ‘m not the only one who noticed that dogs have an unusual diet.

Kathy D, from Connecticut, submitted this for your consideration…

“I don’t know if I can say that my dogs are outwardly covert or sneaky, but they are certainly culinary snobs. From the first moment I had Boston Terriers, I can share that I have never eaten a meal alone. They have pretty much-sampled everything that I have ever eaten, barring chocolate. And it’s impossible not to share when they are staring at you and burning holes through you with their intent.

They are also, closeted caffeine addicts! Did you know that? In one such instance recently, I poured my usual giant mug of high-octane after waking up at 4:45 in the morning. When I left my warm and cozy bed, my dogs were sound asleep, cuddled and happy in their self- made, mostly stolen “pup cave.” I set my coffee down on the end table on the side of the sofa in my living room.

Stepping away for only a moment, I returned to an empty cup boasting a drop or two of coffee left – the heavenly scent still lingering in the air. At the other far end of the couch, I saw a couple of jittery and guilt-ridden puppy dogs, trying everything to help but look in my direction, as if to signal to me that criminals had broken into the house and unsuspectingly stolen said coffee… Which of course they gallantly defended against. Their puppy/coffee breath indicated otherwise. And of course, due to the fact that they are so sweet that they could send a diabetic into a coma, they got off, scot -free”.

Dogs, The Four Legged Spies Amongst Us!

L to Rt – Daisy Mae, Bosco & Peanut Butter

Kathy’s dogs secretly drink coffee! Seriously, have you ever heard of dogs drinking coffee? This proves my point that there are far more to dogs than meets the eye.

I also believe that it is significant that Kathy was assigned three dogs! I know this is important,  but what I don’t know is why?  You see Kathy is a pillar of the community. More importantly, she is a Biologist and a science teacher in the public school system. Obviously, the dog overlords consider Kathy, or her occupation to be significant, maybe even threatening to the secret life of dogs.

On the other hand, as Tom Dye, The Safety Guy, I was only assigned one dog. But then again, I am not responsible for teaching young impressionable minds. Not to mention, I am not a Biologist either.

We will be exploring much more about what we know about the secret lives of dogs in the next installment of; Dogs, The Four Legged Spies Amongst us.


As Always,

I Am…

Tom Dye, The Safety Guy


Dogs the four legged spies amongst us, is an original work of satire by Tom Dye, The Safety Guy.

If you want to contribute to the next installment of Dogs, The Four Legged Spies Amongst us, go to the Contact Us page and fill out the contact form. I will email you instructions on where to send your submission and dogs photo.