Tales of the Absurd, Best of Series.
Update: New Year’s Eve is less than two months away, and Congress still hasn’t acted to ban these horrific weapons. Shame on you America. How many more people have to die or be seriously injured before we finally have the courage to act.
The Horror Of Champagne Cork Injuries (It Can Happen To You) Updated and revised 11-18-2016
Enough is enough! When are we finally going to do something about the thousands of people killed, and injured, every year, especially New Years Eve, from these deadly champagne cork shootings.
How many innocent people have to die before the public, and our elected officials, finally act to stop these senseless tragedies?
It is long established constitutional law regarding every American’s right to possess champagne. However, I believe that this right does not extend to military grade or cheap foreign imports of champagne that plague American society from our inner cities to rural small towns. In most States, it is perfectly legal to carry a concealed, and loaded, champagne bottle, on your person everywhere you go.
Part of the problem of champagne violence plaguing America is because it is very easy to purchase. There are numerous stores in virtually every city that high powered champagne can be purchased by anyone over the age of 21 without any sort of background check or waiting period. A simple State issued identification card or drivers license is all that is usually required.
This entire process for the purchase of, and possession, of high-powered champagne, is flawed because it allows mentally unstable persons, as well as convicted felons, to purchase high powered, and fully loaded champagne, without any fear of being caught. None of the fifty States require you to register your loaded champagne or restrict the firing of deadly champagne corks anywhere except in public spaces clearly marked by signage forbidding it. Not even a single State even requires a simple background check. There is something seriously wrong with us as a society.
Champagne comes in all sizes or calibers. The standard “civilian calibers” range from the easily concealable .1875 caliber bottle, commonly referred to as a “Snipe” to .375 and .750 caliber, half, and full sized bottles.
All three of these standard sizes pack a single shot champagne cork, and all can be lethal, from fairly close range for the .1875 caliber “Snipe”, to the medium and long range killing power of the .375 and .750 caliber sizes.
There are larger caliber “Military Grade” champagne’s designed to kill or maim people from very great distances. These include the 1.5 caliber “Magnum” all the way up to the very long range 30.0 caliber “King of Salem” long distance heavy artillery. Military caliber champagnes have been known to explode spontaneously, if not stored in the proper conditions.
There are misguided groups that argue civilians have the constitutional right to possess Military Grade, high caliber, champagne’s as well. These groups are very misguided as military grade high caliber sizes are not designed for self-defense, hunting, target practice, or any other legitimate purposes. These military calibers were only designed for one purpose, and one purpose only, killing people. These Military Grade Champagne’s were designed to be used specifically in battlefield conditions.
These military caliber champagnes were never designed to be used by civilians and sadly because of, lax to non-existent Federal or State legislation have already been used in some of the most horrific high-profile crimes against innocent people, including women and children.
How many innocent Americans have to die before we finally stop this madness?
All champagne calibers are single shot, one-time-use disposable weapons. However, there is a difference in the corks used for all calibers. There is the standard cork, found mostly in civilian calibers, as well as the plastic champagne cork, used mostly in military calibers. The plastic military grade champagne cork is far more lethal and easily penetrates most body armor.
It has gotten so bad that even in my small city here in Florida, some wing-nuts have actually begun openly carrying fully loaded large military grade champagne bottles right in the streets and even the local Walmart.
How are we supposed to know if these are actual law abiding citizens, a champagne terrorist or just someone that is wound way too tight that is just looking to kill the first person that looks at them wrong?
Seriously, how would you feel walking down the street, or even the aisles of your local Walmart with your spouse and small child when suddenly you see individuals carrying Military Grade champagne over their shoulders or slung across their backs? Wouldn’t you fear for your child?
Congress, The President, all the way down to State and local politicians have failed to act because they all have perverted the original meaning of the 32nd amendment of the United States Constitution. The 32nd amendment states:
“A well-regulated militia being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the People to keep and bear champagne shall not be infringed”
I believe in the United States Constitution as much as the next guy. But, seriously the 32nd amendment doesn’t make any freaking sense.
No wonder Champagne control opponents or Champagne Rights Groups can’t agree on a single fu@king thing.
I do know one thing, and this is critically important. After last News Years Eve tragedies now is the time to have a thoughtful discussion as a nation and civilized society regarding sensible regulations for champagne, and champagne corks, to prevent these senseless injuries and deaths caused my mentally unstable individuals, as well as convicted felons.
Call, write, or email your Senator, Congressman or The President and let them know that high caliber military grade champagnes have no use in a civilized society, and demand sensible regulations to prevent future tragedies. Enough is enough.
Who’s with me on this?
Tom Dye, The Safety Guy
This article is an original work of satire by Tom Dye, The Safety Guy.