Tales oF the Absurd, Original Satire, Politics & News Commentary

How A Former Target Manager Is Now Overseeing Nation’s Nuclear Security

A former Target Manager is now overseeing our nations nuclear security? All I can say is, we are f–ked now! This maybe the beginning of the end my friends, Seriously,Because of sequestration or budget cuts, or whatever our new top official overseeing our nations nuclear security, as in nuclear weapons, was actually recruited from Target. I mean Target, the store. You know the one I am talking about right?

Target Store

 Well, I hope it was at least a “Super Target” store and not just a regular Target store. Steve Asher, who previously worked as a “Team leader” at a Target store, in Spokane, WA was selected as the “Acting Chief of Defense Nuclear Security and Associate Administrator for Defense Nuclear Security”

Hows that for a long f–king job title?

Whatever happened to the little guy with the bow tie, that worked in a tiny basement office, deep inside The Pentagon, you know the guy who came up with all those snappy military acronyms? Maybe he was layed off due to budget cuts. All I know for sure is Steve Asher, ACDNS, AADNS doesn’t cut it.

I bet his business card must be some sort of special tri-fold design to fit that whole freaking title on it. No matter what they call him, he is in charge of developing and implementing security programs at nuclear sites across the United States.

I hope everyone remembers those stupid nuclear strike drills, that those of us of a certain age had to endure growing up. I have a feeling we are going to need those skills.

Important Safety Tip: For those of you under fifty listen up, this could save your life in the very near future. Evidently, you can protect yourself, from an nuclear blast, including the searing heat hotter then the sun, the air being sucked out of the vicinity of the blast, the tremendous shock wave, radioactivity, and radioactive fallout just by following these simple steps:

First, pull down the blinds on all the windows at the first warning of an imminent nuclear strike. (Seriously, this step is crucial to your survival).

Second, get under your desk, shut your eyes as tight as you can and place your hands around your head. That’s it.

That’s all you have to do to survive a multi-megaton nuclear strike. I should know, we practiced this every Friday, for years, in public schools, when I was a kid, so I am confident that this procedure works.

Anyway, a “Team Leader” at a target store in Spokane, WA is evidently qualified to be in charge of our nations Nuclear weapons? It seems to me that this is not the same thing as foiling a plot to steal a couple of 16 ounce cans of Pabst Blue Ribbon beer, by stuffing them down their pants. You don’t have to be a rocket scientist to figure out that no human being is hung like an elephant.

Besides this isn’t much of a security job anyway, all you have to do with these jokers is delay them long enough, until their nuts start to freeze, and then it at least gets entertaining. Steve Asher wasn’t even in charge of the Loss Prevention/Security for Target stores, he was a “Team Leader” (whatever that is) hawking the newest sales on towels, sheets, and kiddie pools.

Somehow, with all his vast experience at Target, as a “Team Leader”, at a single Target store, in Spokane, WA.  Steve Asher has somehow parleyed this vast experience into becoming the, “Acting chief of defense nuclear security and associate administrator for defense nuclear security”. Seriously, I am not making this up.

WTF… Just how do you go from from “Team Leader” at Target store in Spokane, to the top dog for security, for this nations most awesomely destructive weapon systems the world as ever seen?

Inter-continental ballistic nuclear missile
 Of course, I have some theories on this as well. I noticed a sign at a local Super Target store recently that may offer some clues. Evidently, Target doe’s have some experience in heavy duty nuclear weapon security protocols. Maybe, there is more to Target then meets the eye. Just check out this sign, spotted at my local Super Target store.

You probably  noticed right off the bat, that the sign does not say anything about my constitutional 2nd amendment right to carry my military style high powered assault rifle with the extra large capacity magazine. Obviously, I can carry it anywhere I like, including the inside of my Super Target store, when I am buying bread, beer, one sided towels,and yes, maybe even a kiddie pool.

The sign does expressly forbid drugs and nuclear weapons. For the sake of truth and transparency, I do have to admit that I have never seen a nuclear weapon either inside or outside my local Super Target store. However, I once saw members of “The Nuclear Emergency Support Team” (NEST) (formerly known as the Nuclear Emergency Search Team) inside my Target store, buying camping equipment.

In case you don’t already know, NEST is a team of scientists, technicians, and engineers operating under the United States Department of Energy’s National Nuclear Security Administration (NNSA). Whose sole task is to be prepared to respond immediately to any type of radiological accident or incident anywhere in the world.

Anyway, the members of NEST that I saw inside my local Super Target store were buying camping gear, sterno, flashlights, Geiger counters, towels, etc. in bulk.  I really didn’t think too much about it at the time and they seemed like a nice enough bunch of guys.

I don’t want to start any conspiracy theories, or anything like that. But, have you seen Target’s logo? There is way too many coincidences here to simply ignore. We now have a Team Leader from Target leading our nations security of our nuclear weapon stockpile. Earlier, I saw members of the NEST team inside a local Super Target. Hmmm.

Also, think about it, Target stores are gigantic, I wonder what could be buried beneath them, out of sight of prying eyes.

What does the name Target stand for anyway?

Maybe the little guy with the bow tie that comes up with all those snappy military acronyms is at it again.  Think about it. The store’s logo is a bulls-eye. What does that have to do with a store that sells food and household goods anyway? I am seriously starting to believe that Target stores are a cover for something else far more insidious. My God! This is the perfect cover.

I would be willing to bet that Target is actually a cover for some sort of uber-super secret, US Government military task force. This would also explain where all the prisoners went when the CIA closed down all of their not-so-secret black sites around the world. Or maybe this is where the 19 prisoners missing from Guantanamo Bay ended up. We will most likely never know for sure. I bet Target is actually a military acronym for; Tactical Armed Response Guard for Extreme Threats, or something like that. It’s all becoming so very clear now, why didn’t I see it before?

If I suddenly disappear, of abruptly stop writing my posts for some strange reason, then you will know that I really irritated someone high up in the US Government and learned secrets that I should not know or talk about, and I’m now either being held against my will, in some sort of secret installation under any one of the 1,744 target stores nation wide.  Then again, maybe I could have suffered one of those unexplained “accidents”. Hopefully, I have protected myself well enough, to prevent either one.

The conspiracy apparently gets even more murky. It turns out, our new nuclear chief, Steve Asher,  Acting Chief of Defense Nuclear Security and Associate Administrator for Defense Nuclear Security, came to Target after leaving Malmstrom Air Force Base in July 2008. From 2005 until 2008, as the commander of Malmstrom’s 341st Security Forces Group, he was in charge of security for 200 intercontinental ballistic missiles in central Montana.

A spokesperson for Target offered the following cryptic response to reporters questions about Steve Asher; “Target is a Fortune 50 company who is extremely selective about who they recruit. Steve was responsible for managing hundreds of people and millions of dollars.”

By the way, According to Target, Steve Asher’s store; “exceeded expectations in revenue and total number of shoppers.”

So there you have it. It seems that there is a pretty clear line between Target stores and the United States Military Industrial Complex. Seriously, why would anyone with Steve’s credentials go to work for Target stores anyway? Serious, a “Team Leader”, come on. Unless there was much, much, more then meets the eye.

So, SuperTarget stores, or Tactical Armed Response Guard for Extreme Threats, or whatever you are really called, or what your real mission is all about, and Steve Asher, Acting Chief of Defense Nuclear Security and Associate Administrator for Defense Nuclear Security,please, please, make sure that you carry out your job really, really, well because the last thing we want to see is this scenario (see picture below) anywhere in the world.

In all seriousness, I just want to tell you, Mr. Steve Asher, Acting Chief of Defense Nuclear Security and Associate Administrator for Defense Nuclear Security, I think I can speak for all of us,when I tell you; we’re all counting on you. Good luck!

As always, 

I am…

Tom Dye, The Safety Guy
If you spot any “absurd or misleading headlines”, leave a comment below with the EXACT headline wording as it originally appeared, and just maybe, I will write a story about your absurd news headline, in the very near future.


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  1. Anonymous

    Col Steve Asher, USAF retired is one of the most respected men I have had the opportunity to go to serve our nation with. As commander in charge of securing our nation’s nuclear missiles, he performed flawlessly. All nuclear surety inspections were passed under his command. I only wish those that filled his shoes after he left had done as good a job as he did.

    Col Asher always took time to get to know the individual, and never held himself above anyone. When it was -20 degrees as a close in sentries on foot, Col Asher was walking right along side us. When we went to battle, he lead from the front and never managed from the rear.

    I remember when he was presented the silver star (armed forces third highest honor) for his actions in combat–he credited us , not himself

    I remember he and his wife ALWAYS took care of his troops, cooking meals and donating needed items to wives who just gave birth while their husbands were deployed. He never left anyone behind EVER.

    I respect your right to free speech, I fought for your right to free speech. I just wish you had the pleasure of getting to know Col Steve Asher, the most honorable person I know.

    • I appreciate your feedback. However, I believe that you are reading too much into the article. I have no doubt that Col Asher is a good and honourable man and I sincerely appreciate your insights and personal experience with him. However, this article was a work of satire and was loosely based on actual news reports. I would sincerely hope that Col Asher would see the humour and realize that’s it’s all in good fun.


      Tom Dye, The Safety Guy

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