This bulls–t has to f–king stop right now. I don’t know about you, but the first person that tries to steal my penis will have a serious problem on their hands.

I am not making this up my friends. This is happening right now in West Central Africa. Believe it or not this was first reported in China as early as 300 B.C. For some reason it’s happening again.

As was widely reported, in Tiringoulou, a small town in the Central African Republic, there was a guy that came into town, in the guise of a Sudanese merchant trader. At the conclusion of business he shook two men’s hands and *BAM* the men suddenly felt an electric shock and instantly their penises shrunk to a size smaller then that of a newborn baby.

This was witnessed by several people in the small village. As for the men whose penises were stolen, several eyewitnesses reported that this did actually happen and the men’s penises are still nano sized to this day.

Scientist’s who have been studying the stolen penis phenomenon (Yes, there are actually real Scientist’s, who study this type of thing) have reported that this is mostly an urban crime and this is the first cases of penis snatching in a small rural town. These Scientist’s attribute this rise in penis snatching to the rise of black magic or witchcraft on the African continent.

You see, there is some sort of illicit black magic trade in human organs, specifically penises, as some sort currency or magic ingredient in an underground occult economy. There are recent reports that a woman was recently arrested by airport security in Cameroon  trying to smuggle several penises to the Continent inside a loaf of bread. There wasn’t any mention in the report if the penises were baked into the bread or not.  Or if these penises were part of the batch that was recently stolen.

As for the villagers, they have taken to protecting themselves, by refusing to shake hands with any strangers, for any reason whatsoever, for fear that anyone of them, could very well be the next victim of penis snatching.This sounds like an excellent and very prudent idea,

I think everyone should stop shaking hands with any strangers, immediately, at least until we can eradicate penis snatching, once and for all.I wonder if fist bumping is OK? Howie Mandel, doe’s this all the time, I assume he still has his penis. Maybe someone should ask him.

On a side note, I would like to believe that a stand-up comedy great like, Howie Mandel, is a regular reader, and huge fan, of my absurd stories and commentary. Hey, at least it makes me feel better believing that he is. Hey, Stop Smirking!  You never know, it’s possible.

Howie Mandel demonstrating the proper way to fist bump

Howie Mandel, If your reading this…Just a quick question…I have read that you fist bump because you have a thing about germs, which is perfectly understandable. Could it also be because you are protecting yourself against penis snatchers? Could you please contact me, and let me know, so I can inform my readers if fist bumping is an effective deterrent against penis snatchers.

If and when, Howie Mandel, get’s back to me, you guys will be first to know what he said. I will post an update to this story as soon as I hear from him, Obviously we all want to know if fist-bumping really works, or not.

There were also similar reports of penis snatching in Central Europe in the 15th and 16th centuries. A publication called ‘Malleus Maleficarum‘ (Latin for – Hammer of the Witches) published in 1486 discussed the dangers of witchcraft and detailed how witches or sorceresses, would steal men’s penises and keep them in birds nests. I don’t know about the bird nest part, but the rest of it sounds exactly like what is happening on the African continent right now.

Penis snatching, or shrinking penises was first reported in China as far back as 300 B.C.,  were first reported in Nei Ching, the Yellow Emperor’s book of Medicine.

There are many, many more examples throughout history as well.

This strange and disturbing phenomena has mostly been ignored by Western medicine and Western mainstream media. Obviously, it’s easy to ignore it when it is not your penis that is missing, or permanently shrunk down to a size smaller then a cigarette butt.

I would be willing to bet that if this happened to some world renown American Doctor, this would become a really big deal. This would be on all the NEWS channels, MSNBC, CNN, ABC, NBC, CBS and even Fox News.Except, you can bet that Fox News would blow it all out of proportion and get Michele Bachmann, Sarah Palin and Donald Trump on air to blame Barack Obama for the worldwide penis snatching epidemic.

Of course, not to be out done, Rush Limbaugh, would blame the entire penis snatching epidemic on Liberal Democrats, as well as, President Obama, as the penis snatching is some sort of master plan to eviscerate conservatives. Trust me, if this was a Liberal Democratic master plan, Rush Limbaugh’s penis would be the first to go. But then again, how do we know that he hasn’t had his penis snatched long ago?

The Centers for Disease Control (CDC) and the National Institute for Health (NIH) would be pouring all sorts of money and resources into this thing. A cure or vaccine to prevent penis snatching would be the highest priority and Congress would demand action be taken right away. Obviously, Congress would be worried about their own penises, so no expense would be spared. Hell, this would be bigger then the Apollo Moon Program during the 1960’s.

Let’s face it, there are way too many cases of penis snatching reported around the world, starting way back in 300 B.C., to just write this off as some ignorant peoples superstitious belief in witchcraft. Obviously, some diabolical force is at work here, but to what end?

I have done some research and there is something that can protect you from the penis snatchers. It is a special and omnipitant magic called Juju. This potent magic specifically uses special objects, and natural ingredients such as amulets, and spells used superstitiously as part of witchcraft in West Africa. It is widely reported that a Juju protection spell works very well against the penis snatchers.

A Juju preparation for protection made up of special sticks, twigs, leaves, seeds, bones, ground up lizards, and other secret ingredients and plants, ground up and taken as directed will absolutely keep your penis in it’s pristine condition and more importantly it’s original size.

I have read that in Nigeria it can cost a lot, around 1,000 Naira a large sum by Nigerian standards. This equal to about $15.00 (US Dollars).

I don’t know about you, but $15.00 to protect my penis from penis snatchers, sign me up!!!<

If anyone knows of a reputable Juju practioner in Florida, please leave me a message. I want to get a hold of them as soon as possible.Hey, wait a minute…That reminds me, when I was a kid, I used to be addicted to this weird candy, called Juju beans. In case you don’t know, Juju beans (or Magic Beans) were this weird candy that had some sort of nondescript flavors that nobody could identify.Now that I think about it, they could have been made up of special sticks, twigs, leaves, seeds, bones, ground up lizards, or other secret ingredients. They sure tasted like they could anyway.I wonder if they even still make them,  I certainly hope so. I may still have some residual protection left from eating so many of them. Here’s a photo just in case you come across some.

Who knows, It might be worth a try.

Juju Beans

As always, 

I am…

Tom Dye, The Safety Guy

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