Christian World Shocked At Pope Benedict’s Resignation. I can’t say that I saw this coming. Pope Benedict XVI, is the first Pope to resign in almost 600 years, this is a really big deal. Most every Pope has the job until they die. This started me thinking, what would an ex-Pope do? How would this work exactly?

Note: Before I begin, For all you Catholics out there, keep in mind that this is a work of satire and is not intended to be disrespectful to the Catholic Religion, The Pope, The Vatican, or anyone practicing the Catholic faith. We can all still have a since of humor no matter what happens in life. Without humor we are not truly alive. OK, Now that that is out of the way…

Pope Benedict suddenly announced he was resigning on February 28, 2013. This news came as a shock the the Catholics and even some of the Popes closest friends. Of course this started me thinking what would an ex-Pope do? Seriously, has anyone else thought about this? There are no precedents in modern times. We are blazing entirely new ground here.

First of all, here’s a guy whose official titles include in the order in which they are given in the Annuario Pontificio, is: Bishop of Rome, Vicar of Jesus Christ, Successor of the Prince of the Apostles, Supreme Pontiff of the Universal Church, Primate of Italy, Archbishop and Metropolitan of the Roman Province, Sovereign of the State of Vatican City, Servant of the Servants of God.

I assume that he will resume using his original birth name, Joseph Ratzinger. Either way, who would hire this guy? Think about it, this is one guy who could actually cause Donald Trump to shut up for once. Now that I think about it, maybe he should go to work for Donald Trump, the world would certainly be a better place, at least quieter anyway. I don’t care how powerful you are, (and I am not talking about Donald Trump as one of the powerful few.) anybody would be intimidated by this guy. After all this guy is a direct pipeline to God. I for one, certainly wouldn’t want to piss off this guy, there may be serious consequences.

I am pretty sure that there is not some sort of ex-Pope’s retirement community. Considering that he is the first Pope to resign in nearly 600 years. If there is, he would certainly live a pretty lonely life. After all he would be the only one living there.

So what else could he do to make a living? I suppose he could be a greeter for Walmart. Now that would be something to see. Can you imagine the Pope mobile with that machine attachment on the front that Walmart uses to retrieve long lines of shopping carts from their gigantic parking lots? Could you imagine that?. Speaking of the Pope-mobile  do you think the Vatican will let him keep it? Or as head of the Vatican, before he leaves office, can he just decree, that it belongs to him for perpetuity? Kind of like a Presidential pardon.


I find it highly unlikely that he will just go back to a normal life. He really couldn’t go back to his old life if he wanted to anyway. Millions, and millions, of people world wide recognize Joseph Ratzinger by face alone. I even recognize him and I am not Catholic. It’s not like he can stroll down the street and go grocery shopping, buy a couple of CD’s, or even get a haircut at the local barbershop. Seriously, he would be mobbed by adoring fans and followers wherever he went.

Joseph Ratzinger, or Joe, to his friends, isn’t the only one with this problem. President Barack Obama is going to have the same problem in a few years as well. Actually, when you think about it, Joe Ratzinger and Barack Obama are kind of similar. Both are leaders of a sovereign nation, well the United States is a lot bigger. Both are elected into office, except the Vatican has this really convoluted voting process. Well, when I think about it, so doe’s the State of Florida, on this point, I have to give it to the Vatican, at least they get it right.

Both, Joe Ratzinger and Barack have large security contingents. Although Barack Obama also controls killer drones and nuclear weapons. However, Joe has a direct pipeline to God. On this point I have to call it a draw. Both Barack Obama and Joe Ratzinger have millions of people, who either love them, or hate them, this fact is not going to change for either one after leaving office.

So what type of employment would be perfect for an ex-Pope? There’s a couple occupations that come to mind right away. How about Financial Adviser? This would be the perfect job for Joe. Even though I am not Catholic, I would trust that the ex-Pope was honest. I would trust his advice without question. Not that I have any money to invest in anything. How about a car salesman? He may not do that well in this occupation, as honesty is not the number one trait of a car salesman. Motivational Speaker? I am absolutely certainly that Joe Ratzinger would be the greatest motivational singer that ever lived.

There are some jobs that Joe would not be suited for at all. Marriage Counselor comes to mind right away. Anyone who has never been married, is probably not the best one to give advice to married couples. Rap singer? Nah!, Bill collector? He wouldn’t last a week. Politician? Most certainly not, the world is not ready for an extremely honest Politician.

Whatever occupation, the ex-Pope Joseph Ratzinger chooses to go into, I am sure he would be the very best at whatever he want’s to be. Or, Joe could just retire and relax, maybe do a little fishing, catch up on those books he always wanted to read, listen to music, travel the world, write a memoir  or even better yet, start checking off items off his personal bucket list.

Well Joe, for whatever it’s worth, coming from, Tom Dye, The Safety Guy. Have a great retirement, enjoy the little things, that life brings us everyday. After all it’s the little things in life that really matter.

As always,

I am…Tom Dye, The Safety Guy

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