Things You Can’t Do Naked: Assault A 7-11 Clerk. Assaulting a 7-11 clerk seems like one of the obvious things, that you can’t do naked. You should not be assaulting 7-11 clerks, fully clothed either. Trust me, Law Enforcement frowns upon this type activity, naked or not.

There is way too many of these naked antics in the NEWS, on a seemingly regular basis, It occurs to me that we need to have a remedial lesson on; Things You Can’t Do Naked. Hopefully, this handy guide will help prevent future tragedies.

How many times do I have to say it, doing the same thing, over and over, and over, and then expecting different results, is the very definition of insanity. Naked people seem to never learn.

You may want to get a pen and paper for this one, as you may want to take notes.

Things You Can’t Do Naked…..Part One


Important safety tip: For this activity, “Always wear safety glasses” Have you ever used a grinder on a metal object? or used a cutting torch? If not, you must have seen it done either on television or even in person. You would know that this particular activity throws off a tremendous amount of red hot sparks, and red hot metal fragments.

These red hot sparks and metal fragments are thrown off at speeds of several hundred miles per hour.

Let me tell you, this is one activity that you never, ever, want to do naked. Can you imagine red hot sparks or metal fragments landing on, embedding into, and burning your wanker, or breasts, or whatever? Go ahead imagine it. This is not something you want to experience, now, or ever.  Just imagining explaining these burns, and injuries to your partner, or Emergency Room Physician.


Examine this image closely. Do I even need to go into what would happen if you tried this naked? I wouldn’t even want to try this with clothes on. Can you imagine your genitals getting the worlds worst case of road rash? Hell, You may even scrape the entire thing off, genitals, nipples, skin, etc. Not to mention how are you going to get all that dirt out of all the nooks and cranny’s.

There are other sports as well, that could pose serious health issues or injuries,
if played naked.


Here’s something, that I suppose might be OK to do naked, if you were a highly trained professional, and knew exactly what you were doing.

Important Safety Tip: Do not try this at home.

Bees are perfectly docile and can be handled quite easily, if you know exactly what you are doing.

As you can see this beekeeper is safely handling a large quantity of bees. This beekeeper is removing a large hive located in the tree to another location. Notice the bees seem to be very calm. The beekeeper is wearing a special suit. Somehow, this special suit seems to calm the bees, and prevent them from swarming and stinging. Maybe it;s the really large hood that fools them.

This is what happens when you try this naked.


Important Safety Tip: Fried foods are not good for you and should be avoided as much as possible.

OK, I am not here to comment on your diet, to each their own. But trust me there is real danger when you heat oil to very high temperatures, and add meat to it. It does not have to be chicken, it could be anything.

Don’t worry, I have some tips for safe naked cooking.

I know, I know, some of you may like to cook naked, for your spouse, or girlfriend, or they may like doing the same for you. This is usually a prelude to a really great evening, if you know what I mean. There is virtually nothing wrong with this naked fun activity. However, you need to seriously consider not cooking anything that involves boiling hot oil. Baked, grilled, boiled, etc. are a much better option.

Have you ever cooked fried chicken? Have you ever been splattered with one or more of those microscopic drops of boiling oil? Well, you know how much that smarts. Now imagine, if you were to splatter, or spill hot boiling oil, on one of the more sensitive parts of the male or female anatomy? I believe that this would make for a “hands off” type situation, for at least a couple of weeks, or more. Think about it.


Important Safety Tip: Never, ever, show up in court naked.
No matter how flimsy the evidence against you, no matter how many witnesses you have to speak of your good charter, or to provide an alibi for you, if you show up naked, all bets are off. Trust me on this one.

The Judge will not be amused, and he will throw the book at you.
The jury will think that if your crazy or stupid enough to pull a stunt like this, then whatever you are accused of, no matter what the evidence against you, you must have did the crime as well.


Men snorkeling with sharks, dolphins or large fish.
I don’t care how big you believe your wanker to be, sharks, dolphins or large fish, are only going to view your “appendage” as their normal food supply, bait fish.

I don’t need to go into graphic detail as to what would happen if one of these marine animals thought your little Johnson looked like dinner, and decided to take a bite.

Have you ever seen the set of teeth on sharks, dolphins or barracudas?  Think about it.

There are lots of other activities as well. Football, Soccer, Rugby, juggling with fire, or knives, and much, much, more. These will be discussed in much more detail in future editions of “Things You Can’t Do Naked”

Do you know of an activity, that you can’t or shouldn’t do naked? By all means leave a comment below. Be sure to include your first name, State, or Country where you live, and include your one to six word description, of the thing or activity, that you can’t do naked. I will create the rest of the story, and include it in Part Two, of  “Things You Can’t Do Naked”. Don’t be shy, lets hear some of your ideas.

As always,
I am…

Tom Dye, The Safety Guy

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