Man Completely Fails At Chain Saw Attack: Cops. Stop me if you’ve heard this one before… Two next door neighbors get into an argument. One one guy pulls out a knife, and threatens to kill his neighbor.
Do I even need to mention that this extremely absurd incident happened right here in the great weird State of Florida. Of course it did.
Evidently, this entire absurd incident started because the knife/chainsaw wielding attacker, Mark Bates was mad at his neighbor. Get this, he was angry because the guy next door bought his brothers truck. I know, it doesn’t make any sense to me either. Talk about anger management issues.
The guy with the knife, Mark Bates, decides that a knife is not a manly enough weapon for a person of his stature, so what’s he to do, he runs home, ditches the knife, and grabs his chain saw, and quickly returns, all the while shouting, I am going to f–king kill you. Nothing like living next door to a psychopath to make your life much more exciting.
Mark Bates
Your pissed off psychotic neighbor showing up in your yard, first with a knife, then brandishing a chain saw would by itself be pretty horrific. It’s a good thing the psychotic, chain saw lunatic, is not very detail oriented, as he overlooked one minor detail in stupid plan. It may be a good idea to make sure your chain saw actually starts, before threatening others with it.
Here’s how I imagine this entire incident came down.
I’m going to f–king kill you! shouts the psychotic half-wit with the chain saw.
First, a Squish, squish, squish, sound was heard. This is the sound the rubber fuel primer bulb makes as you press it down, the rubber fuel primer bulb, was depressed three times, per the manufacturers instructions, conveniently printed on the side of the chain saw.
Psycho Neighbor
I am at a complete loss as to how you would write down the distinct sound a gas chain saw makes, as you pull the cord, while trying to get it started. Are you familiar with how that sounds? Well, I am just going to go with this – Burrrrrrah, Burrrrrrah, Burrrrrrah, Burrrrrrah, Burrrrrrah.
Damn! the potential assailant thought, this f–king piece of s–t won’t start.
He tries again, and again, and again.
Squish, squish, squish, Burrrrrrah, Burrrrrrah, Burrrrrrah, Burrrrrrah, Burrrrrrah.
Squish, squish, squish, Burrrrrrah, Burrrrrrah, Burrrrrrah, Burrrrrrah, Burrrrrrah.
Squish, squish, squish, Burrrrrrah, Burrrrrrah, Burrrrrrah, Burrrrrrah, Burrrrrrah.
Squish, squish, squish, Burrrrrrah, Burrrrrrah, Burrrrrrah, Burrrrrrah, Burrrrrrah.
Squish, squish, squish, Burrrrrrah, Burrrrrrah, Burrrrrrah, Burrrrrrah, Burrrrrrah.
Now, I am pretty sure that the intended recipient of the chainsaw attack wasn’t just hanging around waiting for this crazy neighbor to get his chain saw started, so he could be cut to pieces. I certainly know for damn sure that I wouldn’t. Not to mention, it takes two hands and some concentration, to get a non-compliant chain saw started. One hand to hold the handle, and the other hand to prime the carburetor, and then pull the starting cord, using a fast continuous motion. In this guy’s case, over, and over, and over, and over.
If I was the intended victim of this absurd chain saw massacre, I am fairly certain that about this time, this would be a really good time slip away. Especially, while this lunatic was preoccupied trying to get his gas powered, saw of death started. Evidently, this potential victim, thought the exact same thing.
Squish, squish, squish, Burrrrrrah, Burrrrrrah, Burrrrrrah, Burrrrrrah, Burrrrrrah.
Squish, squish, squish, Burrrrrrah, Burrrrrrah, Burrrrrrah, Burrrrrrah, Burrrrrrah.
Squish, squish, squish, Burrrrrrah, Burrrrrrah, Burrrrrrah, Burrrrrrah, Burrrrrrah.
So, while the chain saw attacker was preoccupied with trying to get his chain saw started, the intended victim slipped inside his house, locked the door, and promptly called the Police.
While waiting for the Police to arrive, the sound of the chain saw attacker frantically trying to start his death saw could still be heard clearly through the open window, adjacent to the front door.
Squish, squish, squish, Burrrrrrah, Burrrrrrah, Burrrrrrah, Burrrrrrah, Burrrrrrah.
Squish, squish, squish, Burrrrrrah, Burrrrrrah, Burrrrrrah, Burrrrrrah, Burrrrrrah.
Squish, squish, squish, Burrrrrrah, Burrrrrrah, Burrrrrrah, Burrrrrrah, Burrrrrrah.
Squish, squish, squish, Burrrrrrah, Burrrrrrah, Burrrrrrah, Burrrrrrah, Burrrrrrah.
Squish, squish, squish, Burrrrrrah, Burrrrrrah, Burrrrrrah, Burrrrrrah, Burrrrrrah.
Finally, it dawned on the attacker, that during all the excitement, he had never even bothered to check to see if his chain saw had any gas in it. As it turns out, the gas tank was empty. There wouldn’t be any chain saw massacres happening today.
In a fit of rage, the chain saw attacker threw the useless chain saw against the side of the intended victims house, and went back to his own home in disgust. I am pretty sure, he also experienced the dawning realization, of just how incredibly stupid this whole sequence of events was.
A short time later the Police arrived, and after talking to the intended chain saw massacre victim, as well as several neighbors, who it turns out we’re eye witnesses to the entire incident, the would be chain saw attacker was immediately arrested without incident.
As the gas-less, chain saw attacker, was being led away, in handcuffs, he was overheard explaining to the Police “I didn’t start it, He did!” Well, we all know that just wasn’t true. Neither one of them started it, because the chain saw was out of gas.
The would be chain saw wielding attacker, was ultimately charged with two counts of, assault with a deadly weapon.
I wonder, Do you think his attorney could argue for a reduced sentence, due to the fact that his weapon of choice was basically inoperable?
As always,
I am…
Tom Dye, The Safety Guy
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