Drunk Woman With No Pants Drove Toy Truck!

For once, an incident so absurd, it was even too bizarre for the Great Weird State of Florida. This story was inspired by events that occurred in the State of Arkansas. Not to worry, I am sure that she will be moving to Florida as soon as she can.

Just after 5:30 p.m. Sunday, Law Enforcement was called to the scene of a horrific accident.  According to a witness, a 29-year-old woman was traveling at a “high rate of speed” when her 2001 Pontiac Grand Am, rounded a corner at a high rate of speed, lost control of her vehicle and slammed into the under panel of his trailer.

Thank God! this dude was not inside his ol’ trailer at the time, it must have felt like a bomb going off. I am still imagining what it was like when in an instant all of his guy’s meager possessions were suddenly hurled at great speed in a direction opposite the impact.

Everything he owned would end up in a great big heap at the opposite end of the trailer. Maybe he should consider bolting down his 2nd hand recliner and installing seat belts, just to be on the safe side.

Here’s where  it gets really good. You better sit down, I wouldn’t want you to get hurt from laughing so hard, that you start crying and trip over your shoelaces or something. OK, ready…

Witnesses say the dumb a-s drunk woman got out her car, and she was not wearing any pants. Seriously, she was only wearing a white sweatshirt and no pants or shoes. I am pretty sure that there is a really good back story for that as well, but I just can’t imagine what it was. Maybe she lost them from the impact of slamming into the trailer.

So, what doe’s this half-naked, drunk woman, do next? She jumps out of her car and jumps into a young boy’s Fisher-Price Power Wheels truck, and began trying to drive it away.

Have you guys ever seen one of these things? The Fisher-Price Power Wheels Truck has a top speed of 3.5 mph on or off-road (that would be sidewalks, driveways, and grass) in both forward and reverse.   They are just a riding toy designed for ages 3 and up. In case you haven’t seen one,  These things sell new for close to $400.00. I wish they had these when I was a kid, they look pretty sweet. Here’s a picture.

Fisher-Price Power Wheels Truck

Being that this half-naked, drunk, halfwit evidently doesn’t even have the intelligence of a three-year-old. The half-naked drunk woman couldn’t even figure out how to start the child’s electric Fisher-Price Power Wheels Truck.

Eventually, the guy with the damaged trailer and his father walked over and made her get out.

I suppose they just reached down to the stupid a-s half-naked drunk squeezed into the kid’s toy and pulled her out of it. Or maybe she leaned over too far and the toy tipped over sideways and she crawled out of it. More on this later on in the story. Either way, this was the stupidest getaway car I could ever imagine.

Imagine this….Let’s just say that she did manage to start it and tried high-tail it out of there before the Police arrived. Remember the top speed of this vehicle (with a small child in it) is only 3.5 miles per hour top speed with a full battery charge. By using my trusty SWAG theory, I can estimate that the top speed with a full-grown adult would be about 1-2 miles per hour maximum.

Where the f–k are you going to escape to at two miles per hour? Remember a healthy adult can approach speeds of 5 miles per hour at a fast walk.  I really wish she was able to get the little tykes Power Wheel Truck started and hit the road with it. This would have been awesome. Can you picture it? This would have been the ultimate slow speed chase.

This would have been way better than OJ Simpson’s slow-speed chase through Los Angeles, California. I can just envision a whole line of Police cruisers, “real” Police cars, not toy Police cars, lights flashing, sirens blaring, in a long convoy, chasing this half-naked, drunk woman, driving a toy Fisher Price “Power Wheels Truck”, traveling at less than two miles an hour, in a futile attempt, to get the half-naked, drunk nit-wit, to pull over and surrender.

The Cop’s wouldn’t even have to use stop sticks, they would just eventually get bored and hop out of their Police cars and casually stroll up to her and shut off the toy vehicle. The only thing that could make this better is the local NEWS helicopter flying overhead and showing the entire drama, live as it unfolded.

All good things have to end. The property owner told the police he grabbed his children and took them to his parent’s house some distance away.  When he came back the half-naked, drunk woman  was still in the toy truck “trying to drive it away.

Evidently, she didn’t get too far. After the property owner and his father made her get out of the truck, the man told police she began yelling and just turned around and walked home, to her mother’s house.

It didn’t take long for the Police to catch up with the drunk half-naked woman at her mother’s house. After all the Cops were driving “real” high-performance Police Cruisers and not toy cars. They say she was also “irate and very intoxicated.” A Police Officer tried to administer a portable breathalyzer test to the drunk woman.  “Because she could barely stand,” he and another Officer had to hold her shoulders “so that she would not fall over.” The report did not state if she was wearing pants again by the time the Police arrived at the scene.

The Police reported that she had a blood alcohol level of .217 blood alcohol content, which is nearly three times the legal limit. No wonder she couldn’t figure out how to start the Fisher Price Power Wheels Truck. During the investigation, the Cop reported that the drunk suspect “started to yell and scream.”  She continued to scream after she was placed into custody and began to kick the door of his police car, he reported.

The overly drunk woman “continued to be very disorderly and uncooperative” once she arrived at the county jail, according to the Police report. The dumb a-s drunk woman was left at the jail in lieu of $2,067 surety bond. I guess even her mother was too embarrassed to come get her, as this was by far the stupidest crime ever reported in the entire country.

Just for fun, she was also charged with public intoxication, refusal to submit, disorderly conduct, leaving the scene of an accident with property damage and driving while license canceled, suspended or revoked.

I assume, none of these charges included attempting to drive a child’s Fisher-Price Power Wheels Toy Truck while drunk and with a suspended or revoked license. I would have thought they would have at least charged her with attempted grand theft toy auto.

As always,

I am…

Tom Dye, The Safety Guy


Become a follower today and receive notifications of new content as soon as it’s posted. If you enjoy this blog,  Please tell your friends, family, and co-workers. Post a link on Facebook, Twitter, Google+, share it by email, or shout it from the roof to unsuspecting passersby. Your support is genuinely appreciated.