Man Kicked Out Of Darts Tournament For Looking Like Jesus.

This actually happened, let me tell you all about it.

So, here’s what really happened on that fateful day, not long ago. You see, I actually made it through to the final round of a major darts tournament, I had a real shot at winning the big $25,000.00 first place, cash prize. I had been practicing diligently,

I had been practicing diligently, every day for months. If you don’t believe me just check out the wall of my living room, near my regulation tournament dartboard, it has the battle scars to prove it. You know what I am talking about, all those little holes in the wall around the dart-board from all those missed shots.

The big tournament day was finally here, I actually felt pretty damn good, I hadn’t made a new hole in the living room wall in months, and my game had been spot on for several weeks, through round, after qualifying round. The big prize money was mine. I really felt confident, and relaxed.

I strolled down to the tournament early, signed-in, and hit the bar to grab a beer. As I sat at the bar eyeing the final competitors, I actually allowed myself to dream about all the things I could do, with all that money.

Suddenly, I started hearing this rhythmic chanting from near the front door, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus,  everybody started staring towards the door, and craning their necks to see, people even started standing upon their chairs, and tables to get better look. The chanting continued – Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus.

There’s a commotion and the crowd parts just like the Red Sea, and there he is, Jesus himself, gliding towards the sign-in table. Jesus, signs in. WTF, A million thoughts start running through my head, How in the hell am I going to possibly beat Jesus at darts? …What doe’s Jesus need the $25,000.00 prize money for anyway? …Did Jesus invent darts? …Maybe, I wouldn’t want to win, maybe, just maybe, Jesus is a sore loser, and might turn me into a pillar of salt, or something worse.

If I did win, did that mean I was more powerful than the Son of God? Jesus, slowly turns, looks up, and stares straight at me, Jesus holds up, and points to his solid gold, custom dart case. The case is engraved with angels and trumpets, all heralding the power, and glory of God.

At that exact moment, I realized that my dreams of winning the $25,000.00 prize money are now totally shattered. This was so not fair.

Jesus glides up to the bar, just opposite from me, dressed in his usual long robes, and really cool, hand-made sandals, on his feet. Jesus’s long flowing brown hair is perfect, and shiny. I thought to myself, I wonder what shampoo and conditioner he uses, and where could I get a pair of those really cool sandals, they have got to be far more comfortable than these cheap shoes, I wear all the time.

Every eye in the place was upon Jesus, as he asked the bartender for a glass of water. The disinterested bartender, Ernie, hands over a glass of water to Jesus. The moment Jesus’s hand touches the glass, the water, instantly turns into wine, red wine, to be exact. With a satisfied smirk, Jesus lifts the glass, and takes a sip. Jesus smiles, for he knows that it is good.

The chanting starts again, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus.
Suddenly, above the raised voices of the chanting crowd, The Bartender, Ernie, can be clearly heard saying; “Hey Buddy, If your going to do that, the waters not complementary, I got a business to run”.

Jesus, and his considerable entourage, start heading my way around the bar.
Jesus, still holding the water-glass, now filled with red wine.
I decide that I am not dealing with this, and turn back towards the bar.  I continue to slowly sip my beer. I can sense, and feel, that Jesus has stopped directly behind me, that and the fact, that his entire entourage, has also seemed to have stopped as well.

I attempt to just ignore Jesus, and not even bother to turn around. Hopefully, Jesus will just go away. I am in no mood to talk to Jesus, as I am still conflicted on exactly what strategy I am going to use, to hopefully win the entire tournament, and the $25,000.00 first prize. Before any tournament, I prefer to just be alone, to reflect and relax.

You are not going to believe what happened next…You should be sitting down, before reading this……

Jesus, who was still standing directly behind me, started trash talking me. That’s right trash talk, stuff like; Hey Punk! think you can beat me? You scared?  you should be. You think you’re the best, well maybe you are, that is until I got here sucker, Don’t turn your back on Jesus, You want to make a wager, I will even spot you a few points. On and on, and on.

I slowly turned around on my bar stool, until I am face to face with Jesus. What kind of talk is that Jesus? Your father would be so proud of his only son. (Hey what can I say, that’s all I could think, of on a moments notice.) The room suddenly became deathly silent, you could hear a pin drop.

Jesus just stood there a minute, then laughed, laughed really loud, and confidently, his entourage also laughed, Jesus clapped me on the shoulder, and without another word, turned, and walked away, towards the arena, where the tournament would soon be held. His entire entourage followed him and just glared at me as they passed.

As I sat there watching Jesus, and his now even larger entourage walk away.
I watched Jesus showing off along the way and perform a few small miracles as he made his way to the arena.

As far as I could tell, these miracles were nothing big, you know, simple stuff like placing his hand on top of a bald guys head, and he grew hair, placing his hand over that woman’s mouth, that had no teeth, and bam! she now had a perfect set of pearly white teeth, or the guy with the thick coke bottle glasses that made his eyes look the size of golf balls, I doubt this guy had ever had a date in his entire life. Jesus walked over to him, pulled off his glasses, spoke softly to him, and just like that, he had perfect 20/20 vision.

Finally, a young divorcee, a woman whose sleazeball of a husband left her for another woman, just because she had breast cancer, and had to have a double mastectomy and of course her insurance would not pay for any sort re-constructive breast surgery.

Jesus casually walked over to her, placed his hands upon her chest, and Bam! she suddenly had had the most perfect set of breasts the world had ever seen. I know this for fact, because she proceeded to skip around the bar, lifting up her shirt, and showing literally everyone. After every miracle that Jesus performed there would be another polite round of applause, followed by another round of chanting; Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus.

I am no fool, I knew exactly what Jesus was doing, he was just trying to psych me out, and intimidate me, and  the other finalists as well. I have no doubt that if there had been a pool of water in his path, he would have walked on it, just to make a point. Well, Jesus’s plan must have worked, every one of the other finalists, suddenly dropped out of the tournament. It was now just down to two, Me, and Jesus.

I had already resolved that I was not going to be intimidated by Jesus, or anyone else. I decided that I was going to play to the very best of my abilities, I was going to play darts just like my life depended upon it. Who knows, maybe it did.

Jesus, and his continually growing entourage, proceeded to walk towards the dart competition area, and finally disappeared into the main arena.  Me, on the other hand, still sat at the bar, ordered another beer, and waited. It’s funny everyone seemed to avoid me, kind of like a dead man walking. The ultra cheap bartender, Ernie, even bought me the next beer. In three years, Ernie, had never, ever, bought me a free round, not even on my birthday.

After about 45 minutes or so, I heard myself being paged over the PA system, Tom Dye, The Safety Guy, the tournament will begin in ten minutes, please report to the main arena. I downed the last of my beer, picked up my case of darts, and headed to the arena.

As I strolled towards the arena, I noticed off in a cozy corner, the guy that formerly had the coke bottle glasses, and the woman with the new spectacular boobs. They were holding hands, and staring into each others eyes. I remember thinking that they made a really good-looking couple. I really hoped it worked out, for both of them.

As I headed towards the arena, I began to hear the chants of, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus.  Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus.  Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus.  As I got closer, the chants grew louder, and louder still, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus.  Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus.

As I entered the arena, I was greeted with close to 4,500 people chanting, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus. This chanting went on for some time. It was starting to become really, really annoying.

Finally, after the crowd refused to stop chanting, and after being admonished by the judges, and security officials, several times, the security officials fearing a  major disruption to the entire final competition, deliberated and made a decision.

The security officials, disqualified, and removed Jesus from the final tournament.
After all rules are rules. Evidently, divine intervention really doe’s happen, as I won the tournament, and the $25,000.00 cash prize, by default. I never threw a single dart, not even one.

OK, for those of you who are just about to pick up the phone, and call your spouse, all of your friends, and family, and exclaim; “Check this out, Tom Dye, The Safety Guy, played a dart tournament with Jesus, yes, Jesus, and guess what, Tom Dye, The Safety Guy actually won”.

Whoa, whoa,…Hold your horses, hang up that phone. Seriously, hang it up right now.

I have a confession to make, I just made the whole thing up. In reality, some guy, who had just grown his hair, beard, and mustache, for a few months, and coincidentally looked exactly like the famous painting of Jesus, was kicked out of a darts final tournament, because close to 4,500 people in the crowd would not stop chanting, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus.

Seriously, nobody, anywhere, would actually believe that Jesus would walk into a bar, turn water into wine, trash talk a competitor,  and perform some cheap miracles, just to impress a bunch of drunken fools, because, that my friends, would be totally absurd.

As for me, actually playing darts? There is only one way to describe my dart throwing ability, basically, I SUCK AT DARTS!

The only miracle would be, if after throwing a dart, I was able to avoid seriously injuring innocent bystanders.


As always,

I am…

Tom Dye, The Safety Guy


This article is an original work of satire by, Tom Dye, The Safety Guy, and is, very loosely, OK, hardly at all, based on real life events as reported in the news.

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