Now They Are Trying To Convince Us That Giant Spiders And Other Monstrosities Are Our Friends!

Seriously? I think not!!!

Meet Charlotte.



Charlotte is a Huntsman Spider native to Australia. She was rescued from certain death by an animal rescue group in Queensland Australia.

According to the animal rescue group, Barnyard Betty’s Rescue, “She was a beautiful, calm spider, not aggressive in any way and like most spiders she just wanted to go about her business eating bugs and living in peace”.

Let’s break this down. Beautiful is obviously in the eye of the beholder. I believe that many animals and insects are beautiful. However, I draw the line at spiders.

I mean look at this thing, it looks like something right out os some sort of B-rated horror movie. I know some of you are saying; ah, look at how cute she is.

Really? Imagine waking up from a deep sleep and find this thing crawling across your face? Not so cute then, is she? Or how about Charlotte and twenty or thirty of her friends deciding they are going to use your bedroom as party central. Yeah, real cute.

The rescue group also noted how she was not aggressive in any way.  Of course, she wasn’t. As you can see in the photo the person is holding her on a broom. To a spider, a broom is a weapon of mass destruction. A more plausible explanation is Charlotte was just biding her time, waiting for the perfect opportunity to strike, or when you were not holding a broom. Whichever comes first.

I believe that she was just waiting for them to go to sleep, creep into the house, and carry her her dastardly plan.

Once the hapless animal rescuer was sound asleep, Charlotte would weave one of the famous Huntsman Spider webs across the bedroom door and wait until her hapless victim rose in the night to use the bathroom and become trapped in her web. Once her innocent victim was trapped she would spin them into a cocoon and suck all the juices out of them at her leisure until they were nothing more than a dried up husk.

I am somewhat of an authority on this, I have actually seen a couple of movies about this exact same scenario. Believe me, it never ends well for the human.

And finally, their last part is a total lie. They tried to convince us that Charlotte just wanted to live her business eating bugs and living in peace.

Let me introduce exhibit “A”. Here is a video of a much, much, smaller Huntsman Spider dragging a mouse up a refrigerator so the mouse could become its next meal.

If you account for Charlotte’s size, that would mean she would certainly be killing and dragging your cat or small dog into some hiding place to eat them. Think about that. Charlotte’s not so cute now is she?

Before you start sending me hate mail as some sort of monster who hates spiders, and would eradicate any spider I come across, you are dead wrong. As long as the spiders are outside, and stay out of my way, we get along just fine. Live and let live as I like to say.

I have a reason to be leery about our eight-legged friends. When I was a teenager living in the mountains in Central California my friend Jim and me used to hike around the area. I t was well known that Native Americans used to bury artifacts under mounds and rock piles.

Imagine our surprise when we were hiking across a dry streambed and we came across this giant mound about three feet tall right in the middle of the dry streambed we were hiking through. We thought we had hit the motherlode.

We did not have any shovels or any other sort of implements of destruction with us, so we decided to come back the next day and dig into it. This was ultimately a huge mistake.

We arrived back at the spot the next day armed with a couple of those folding camp shovels. We really thought that we might have found some really interesting artifacts. We were pretty excited to find out exactly what it was we had discovered.

We eagerly unfolded the camp shovels and started digging. When all of a sudden………

About of the quarter of the way through the mound, the sides suddenly fell away and literally thousands of spiders (well, maybe hundreds, It was a lot either way) came boiling out of the hole. I mean they were pouring out, jumping out, and crawling over each other.

This dark mass of  jumping, crawling mass of spiders came pouring out of the hole like some sort of viscous liquid heading right for us. I imagined that this huge mass of spiders we’re more than mildly irritated.

As far as I know, those camp shovels are still there as we dropped them and ran away as fast as out legs could carry us. This was not cool.

If this experience doesn’t give you a healthy fear of spiders I don’t know what will.

Years later, I had a friend who really liked tarantulas. He had 4 or 5 of them. He used to let them roam freely around his apartment. He used to call me and invite me over for a beer or two and to watch TV.

I used to warn him to put the spiders away before I got there because if one of them jumped on me, by sheer instinct, and self-preservation they would be squished.

His furry friends liked just like this….



Tarantulas.  A giant hairy spider, and the distinct possibility that they might be crawling or jumping on me, I think not. You know these things have fangs, right? If they wanted to they could bite the crap out of you.

As far as I can tell tarantulas look exactly tile the thousands of big hairy spiders that came crawling and jumping out of a mound in a dry creekbed and tried to kill me, and my friend Jim a few years prior.

Here’s another video I found on YouTube, that proves my point about spiders….

This spider is the size of a dinner plate. They describe it as having two-inch fangs but stress that its venom is not dangerous to humans. However, if it bit you, it would feel like 2″ nails driven into your hand. Really? That sounds like fun. This thing is definitely not my friend.

I have had several pets in my lifetime and still do.  I have had; Dogs, Cats, Birds, Hamsters, a Rat, and various Fish. (Well, fish are not really pets), and I once had a Parrot that would randomly attack me for no apparent reason.

But, other then the psychotic parrot, I didn’t have any worries that any of the cats, dogs or even the rat, that I have owned at various times in my lifetime have harbored any ill will towards me. If I was sleeping in bed and there were on the bed with me, I didn’t have to worry about them suddenly deciding that I was going to be their next meal.

Why stop at giant spiders being our friends? If these monstrosities are out friends how about befriending the Giant Coconut Crab? I mean why not. An over-sized dangerous spider Vs. a giant oversized crab. What’s the difference?

When it comes to friends in the animal kingdom, I am going to stick with the four-legged domesticated type. At least with these animal friends, I know I can sleep easy.

I don’t know about you, But I am not ready to be some eight-legged monstrosities next meal.  How about you?


As Always,

I Am…

Tom Dye, The Safety Guy

This article is an original work of satire based on actual events (OK, very loosely, almost none). The original reference story posted on The Huffington Post can be found by clicking —->  HERE.