TACO HELL: Man Allegedly Assaults Teen With Burrito.  Of course this incident happened in the great weird State of Florida. Those of you who regularly read my posts, already know that the most absurd stories of all, are inspired by events that happened right here in Florida.

This is a very serious crime. The stuff that Taco Bell Burritos are made of, may already be considered a weapon. Have you ever seen the Taco Bell re-fried beans? or the mystery meat? and don’t get me started on the cheese. Taco Bell burritos don’t look like any Mexican food from anywhere else on the entire planet. They have this really weird texture and consistency, I really can’t explain it any better then that. Not that there is anything wrong with that, it’s just strange.

Exhibit A


These burritos have some hefty weight to them as well. I can see how an assault with one of these would be considered a serious crime. Evidently a sixteen year old kid was mouthing off to his mother when he asked his brother in law to hand him a burrito. This was his first mistake.

The thirty six year old brother in law, delivered the burrito alright, “with force” to the teenagers face, by throwing it at him, from across the room, as hard as he could. The burrito exploded on impact with the boys face as evidenced by the Taco Bell burrito cheese, sauce, and meat all over the boys face and clothes, which was still evident when the cops arrived.

After the boy was struck by the flying Taco Bell burrito bomb, which hit it’s intended target and exploded on contact with the teens face, the stricken teen somehow safely stumbled into the bathroom, locked the door and manage to call 911 to report the assault. This was a pretty amazing feat for a kid blinded by a burrito bomb. Luckily the teen reacted quickly, so he could receive medical treatment for exposure to the deadly ingredients. Sadly, the burrito did not survive the assault.

Part of the mystery to this story is, it did not state how old the Taco Bell burrito bomb was. How is that important? you might ask. Think about it. Anyone who has ordered Taco Bell burritos knows that when they sit for a time and get cold, they get as hard as concrete. This could have been a very serious blow to the teen.

If the burrito was more then an hour old, the teen could have been critically injured, or even killed. If the burrito was only a few minutes old it could have exploded on impact and the molten re-fried beans would have severely burned and disfigured the kid.

By using my SWAG theory (scientific wild ass guess) I am deducing that the burrito was somewhere around 30 minutes old. Otherwise, the teen would have been far more seriously injured.

The alleged burrito bomber was promptly arrested on 3rd degree assault charges.

Important Safety Tip: For all my teenage readers, pay close attention, take notes if you have to.

Never mouth off to your Mother, especially if there are Taco Bell burritos in the house

If you mouth off to your Mother, you will get burrito bombed.

If you get burrito bombed and survive the deadly encounter, you will call the Police.

If the Police are called, the story will make the news.

If the story makes the news, I may read it.

If I read the story, I may feature the absurd news headline right here on Profound Revelations.

If I feature you on Profound Revelations, my version of the events will be far more absurd, and you will be exposed for the dumb–s moron that you are.

Don’t mouth off to your mother!

As always,
I am…

Tom Dye, The Safety Guy


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