Dogs, The Four Legged Spies Amongst Us! (Part 3)
In case you missed Part 1, or Part 2 of this continuing series you can read them here, Dogs Part 1, Dogs Part 2.
As I previously discussed in Part 1, and Part 2, of Dogs, The Four-Legged Spies Amongst Us, If you think you really know your dog, that faithful loving canine companion, then you have been deceived. Trust me, your dog is not who you think he or she is at all, Your canine companion is actually one of the greatest charlatans on the planet and right now is watching your every move. But why, and who are they reporting to?
In this installment, I am going to focus on how;
Dogs are sneaky!
When I said that dogs are the greatest charlatans on the planet I wasn’t kidding. If you actually believe that your dog is some sweet cuddly thing that always behaves exactly the way you want, then you, my friend are being delusional at best.
YouTuber, Needham Harry, but together a nice compilation video of dogs, and what they do when you leave the house.
Obviously, not all dogs go off the deep end and destroy your belongings when you leave. It is also kind of difficult to catch dogs in the act so to speak because most dogs somehow know when a security camera is left on when you leave. Believe me when I say that dogs are far more intelligent than you ever suspected.
In part 1, of this series, Kathy from Connecticut, described how her three dogs drank her entire cup of coffee when she was out of the room for just a couple of minutes. and then pretended like they knew nothing about it. That was just one example.
My dog, Homer, remember Homer?
Homer
Homer has made being sneaky into an art form.
Here’s one example. We have had Homer in our household for 8 years. During all these years, if we leave even one square of paper towel out, and leave for even a minute when I come back in, the paper towel is torn into a hundred or more pieces. Nothing else ever get’s shredded, just paper towels.
In eight years, I have never, ever, caught Homer in the act. But who else could it be?
The paper towel stunt is nothing actually. This is obviously just Homer screwing with my head, but I’m onto him, so it’s all good.
That is nothing compared to Homer’s stealing. First of all, Homer has a thing for chocolate. It’s a really good thing that Homer is not one of those breeds of dogs where chocolate is a highly toxic substance, because if he was, Homer would be dead a hundred times over. Seriously, I’m not kidding. Chocolate apparently has no ill effects upon Homer. He still shouldn’t have it, though.
Don’t get me wrong, we never, ever, willingly give Homer chocolate. Homer, has other ideas, though.
You see, my spouse, Victoria, has two closets in our bedroom. One of her closet’s she used to keep open a crack to make sure her clothes got plenty of air-flow. You get the idea.
One day she noticed that her snack which she had left on the nightstand for just a moment was suddenly missing without a trace. Victoria called Homer, but he was nowhere to be found. A short time later, Homer made his first tactical mistake in years. You see, Homer thought he heard Victoria leave the bedroom, so, he came slinking out of the closet, and Victoria saw him.
Homer, went slinking into the other room like nothing happened. Of course, Victoria, being the intellectually curious women that she is, decided to investigate further.
Victoria grabbed a flashlight and opened the closet door to investigate. She removed her shoes and the suitcases, from the bottom of the closet. And there in the far back corner of the closet, she discovered Homers deep dark secret.
For there, in the very back and darkest recesses of the closet was Homer’s secret hideout, finally revealed. Victoria discovered literally dozens of food wrappers, candy wrappers, mango skins, papaya skins, bones, and all sorts of other evidence of Homer’s stolen food escapades. HOMER WAS BUSTED!
Believe me, when I say that Homer was not happy with this turn of events, but there was nothing he could do about it. We were finally onto him. From that moment on the closet door was firmly shut and latched. It wasn’t much later before we discovered another secret stash of Homer’s under the bed, with a lot more evidence of stolen contraband, including an entire unopened tube of my Fixodent. Go figure.
Of course, Homer pretended that none of this was his, and he knew nothing about it. Obviously, we knew better, after all, who else could be doing all of this sneaky stealing? For the moment, we are in a state of doggie détente. But, more of this, and even more, in the next installment of, Dogs, The Four Legged Spies Amongst Us.
Until next time,
As Always,
I Am…
Tom Dye, The Safety Guy
“Dogs The Four Legged Spies Amongst Us”, is an original work of satire by Tom Dye, The Safety Guy.
If you want to contribute to the next installment of Dogs, The Four Legged Spies Amongst us, go to the Contact Us page and fill out the contact form. I will email you instructions on where to send your submission and your dog’s photo.
BunnyMan Smackdown, Officer Charged With Assault!
By Tom Dye
On December 10, 2016
In News Commentary, Satire, Tales of the Absurd
BunnyMan Smackdown, Officer Charged With Assault!
HOPATCONG, N.J. – On November 16, 2016, BunnyMan, a.k.a. Kevin Hemmerich, entered the Hopatcong, N.J. Police Department to turn himself in for a warrant related to a traffic accident.
Let me make one perfectly clear, BunnyMan is not a nickname for Kevin Hemmerich. Kevin dresses up in an actual bunny costume.
This story was covered by dozens of local, national and international mainstream media outlets including; ABC, NBC, AP and a multitude of others. The strange thing is every single one of them repeated the story almost exactly word for word. So obviously, we are not being told the entire story.
As Tom Dye, The Safety Guy, I have done the deep digging to get to the real facts of the matter. In previously articles, I have warned you about the dangers of killer squirrels, the dangers of giant spiders, and even how dogs are the four-legged spies amongst us. However, the BunnyMan phenomena may well be the greatest threat to us all.
Lets first look at what the mainstream media reported. Allegedly, Keven Hemmerich dressed in a BunnyMan costume, entered the Hopatcong, N.J. Police Department armed with an air-horn and attempted to turn himself in because of a warrant regarding a traffic accident.
Upon entering the lobby of the Police Department and being totally ignored by the Police, BunnyMan proceeded to blow one of those compressed gas type air-horns to get some service. Good thing that BunnyMan just happened to have an air-horn in his possession because it worked. Talk about a great way to draw attention to one’s self.
OK, I will be the first to admit that BunnyMan was a little “over exuberant” in his judicious use of his air horn to get the attention of the Hopatcong Police. However, he sought to get attention, and he got it. In less than 90 seconds, a Hopatcong Police officer enters the lobby, gets right up in BunnyMans personal space and slapped BunnyMan right across the face. This horrific act of Police Brutality (0r animal cruelty?) was all caught on video by BunnyMan’s brother.
The Police officer, Nicholas Maresca Jr. was eventually charged with one count of simple assault. And this my friends is where literally every mainstream media outlet ended this story. Seriously? What’s f**king wrong with these so called, mainstream media News outlets? It’s no wonder they have lost all credibility with their readers.
So, after consulting with various experts around the country, I mean really intelligent people, all are involved in various academic disciplines and asking them the tough questions that you have come to expect from Tom Dye, The Safety Guy, I was still struggling for an answer.
After many, many, more hours of consultations, and days of exhaustive research, not to mention gallons of coffee, it suddenly came to me in a flash. I finally had the revelation I had been seeking all along.
This information I’m about to give you is really disturbing. There were only two logical conclusions that adequately describe this type behavior. Both scenarios are absurd, but only one truly fits all the facts.
My first thought was, (which by the way I am assigning a very low probability (<10%)) is that BunnyMan is actually trying to pull off the stunt as was first described by Arlo Guthrie in 1969 in his classic song, “Alice’s Restaurant Massacree”.
(If you have been in a coma for 40 years, or are from another planet, and are not familiar with “Alice’s Restaurant”. Just go to YouTube, and type it in.)
Forty-seven years ago, Arlo Guthrie described a way to get out of the draft. However, this technique could easily be adapted to several different scenarios. In part, Arlo wrote:
“Walk into the shrink wherever you are, just walk in, say, “Shrink, . . . you
Can get anything you want at Alice’s Restaurant”, and walk out.
You know, if one person, just one person, does it, they may think he’s
Really sick and they won’t take him”
Like I said, I did assign this first scenario a very, very, low probability. I am just trying to be totally transparent in my thought process here.
However, a much greater probability (>90%) is far more insidious, and a very scary prospect. Actually, this one really scares the crap out of me. Unfortunately, this is where the bulk of the evidence points to.
My conclusion is that we are only seeing the very tip of the iceberg. BunnyMan is only the first of many, soon to be hundreds, or even thousands, of reported cases of people acting erratically and dressing up as Bunnies, Dogs, Cats, Hamsters, or whatever animal meets their fancy.
What I see occurring here is that people are starting to experience a type of psychotic break with reality in response to the incredible stress of the events of 2016. This year was the most polarizing and stressful in modern times. It is almost too much to turn stress just to just to turn on the News because we know there will be another report of loss and destruction. For many of us, this is just too much to bear.
Think about it, in 2016, we lost some of the biggest artists of our time, David Bowie, Prince and many, many others. This was also the year of extreme political turmoil around the world, Brexit, Bernie Sanders, Hillary’s emails, Donald Trump, the refugee crisis, and not to mention the total collapse of the regular world order.
This massive upheaval and upending of our normal reality is obviously causing some people to revert to simpler ways of life as a coping mechanism. Think about it, some of us may find that reverting to the safe mentality of common animals such as bunnies, cats, dogs, or other kind and furry animals who do not suffer from human levels of stress, or the ravages of human intelligence is a very compelling option.
Mark my words! We are going to see this so called “BunnyMan” phenomenon play out more and more in the coming weeks and months, and there is nothing we can do about it. These poor souls do however need our help.
Just remember when you see these adults dressed up as kind furry animals don’t recoil in fear, or take pity on them. Just talk softly, scratch them behind the ears and tell them everything will be OK.
Eventually, this too shall pass, as all things eventually do. With our love and compassion, these poor BunnyMan will eventually be re-integrated into society along with their dog, cat and hampster companions.
As Always,
I Am…..
Tom Dye, The Safety Guy
This News Commentary is an original work of satire, from Tom Dye, The Safety Guy.
The original news story that inspired this article can be found — “HERE”.
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