Tales oF the Absurd, Original Satire & News Commentary

The Complete Guide On How To Create Your Own Alternative Facts For Fun & Profit

The Complete Guide On How To Create Your Own Alternative Facts For Fun & Profit

This tutorial will have you on way creating your own “Alternative Facts” in no time, and never be accused of lying again.

Part One – The History of Alternative Facts

The term “alternative facts” was first coined by Kellyanne Conway, President Trump’s Counselor to the President on NBC’s, Meet The Press with Chuck Todd.

Kellyanne Conway

After being grilled by Chuck Todd on Trump’s Press Secretary lying about the size of the inauguration crowd. Spicer, and Trump insisted on Saturday that the crowds were the biggest ever and, even commented that the crowds went all the way back to the Washington Monument.

Spicer went on to claim that this was the biggest audience to ever witness an inauguration – Period – both in person and around the globe. These statements, as well as many others, caused a huge uproar with the media. 

The problem was, these statements were demonstrably false, as well as easily verifiable. The evidence was clear not only from photographs taken during the inauguration but D.C. Metro ride numbers as well.Most of Spicers, other statements were blatantly false as well. 

Nothing special about that right? Enter Kellyanne Conway, the creator of the alternative facts narrative. Conway was a guest on Meet The Press with Chuck Todd on January 22, 2016. This was the moment that the alternative facts narrative was born.

Conway skillfully used every tool in her arsenal and successfully deflected every single question while creating an entirely new narrative or alternate facts to support her case.

These are the skills and techniques that you are going to learn in this complete guide to creating successful alternative facts that you can use for not only fun but profit as well. I strongly suggest that you pay close attention to the master at work.

As you noticed, as Chuck Todd accused Kellyanne Conway of lying, Conway fired back, deflected every question and finally ended with a veiled threat against the media and stated that Spicer was just giving “Alternative Facts” in regards to the crowd size.This was genius.

Part Two – What Are Alternative Facts?

In order for you to use “Alternative Facts” correctly and with conviction you need to understand the word definitions.

According to the dictionary, the words can be defined as:

Alternativea choice limited to one of two or more possibilities

Facts – a truth known by actual experience or observation; something known to be true

You see, you now we have a way to not let those pesky facts get in the way of your own reality. This guide will teach you how to create your own”Alternative Facts” and never be accused of lying again.

Part Three – How to use Alternative Facts to your advantage in your personal and work life.

There are certain key rules for “Alternative Facts” that must be adhered to in order for you to successfully create your own fact-free reality:

  1. No matter what the actual facts are, whether it be video, audio recordings, historical records or even what others can actually see or hear for themselves, once you claim “Alternative Facts” you can never, ever walk back on your alternative fact claims, not now, not ever. Doing so would severely damage your credibility.
  2. Repetition is critically important, I can’t stress this enough. The more you repeat your alternative facts, the more they intrude into the reality of others. Eventually, your alternative facts are everyone else’s facts as well.
  3. If anyone, ever challenges you on your alternative facts whether it is the media, coworkers, friends, family, etc. IMMEDIATELY GO ON THE ATTACK! Accuse them of bias, disrespect, ignorance; threaten retaliation, whatever it takes. Deflect every question they ask no matter how reasonable or rational it may be. Do not listen! Shut down the person challenging your alternative facts, and walk away.  Mock outrage is also an extremely useful deflective tool; however, it is also extremely difficult to master.
  4. Find others who agree with your alternative facts. It is always easier in the alternative universe when others agree with you and who are willing to back you up. As the old adage goes, there is safety in numbers. The internet and especially Facebook, can be quite useful in recruiting like-minded allies. Use these allies to your advantage. Note: It is always important to remember, that if you can adjust your alternative facts narrative closer to conspiracy theory territory, you will maximize your alternative fact believer, which of course creates maximum impact as well as mass credibility.
  5. Always remember that you have to absolutely believe that you are right and everybody else is wrong. That is unless they agree with you of course.
  6. Practice. Practice, Practice. I highly recommend that you watch Donald Trump and Kellyanne Conway in action. There is lots of video of both of them in action. Attacking, deflecting and of course their judicious use of alternative facts.

For those of you willing to practice advanced deflection techniques such as mock outrage, I highly recommend Marco Rubio or Ted Cruz videos from the 2016 Republican debates. Just be forewarned Ted Cruz is a master at mock outrage and very few others have the ability to rise to his level of ability.  

Note: I would begin first with Marco Rubio videos as he is at an intermediate skill level for mock outrage. if you master that then move up to the Ted Cruze master class mock outrage.

Part Four – What Alternative Facts are not.

I have been asked by several people, “Isn’t “Plausible Deniability” the same as Alternative Facts?

That’s a very good question and the simple answer is no. Plausible deniability is an entirely different tool altogether. However, in some extremely advanced uses, both may be used together to spin a plausible narrative.

Per Wikipedia, Plausible Deniability is defined as:

The ability for persons (typically senior officials in a formal or informal chain of command) to deny knowledge of or responsibility for any damnable actions committed by others (usually subordinates in an organizational hierarchy) because of a lack of evidence that can confirm their participation, even if they were personally involved in or at least willfully ignorant of the actions. In the case that illegal or otherwise disreputable and unpopular activities become public, high-ranking officials may deny any awareness of such acts in order to insulate themselves and shift blame onto the agents who carried out the acts, as they are confident that their doubters will be unable to prove otherwise. The lack of evidence to the contrary ostensibly makes the denial plausible, that is, credible, although sometimes it merely makes it unactionable. The term typically implies forethought, such as intentionally setting up the conditions to plausibly avoid responsibility for one’s (future) actions or knowledge. In some organizations, legal doctrines such as command responsibility exist to hold major parties responsible for the actions of subordinates involved in heinous acts and nullify any legal protection that their denial of involvement would carry”

As you can clearly see, Plausible Deniability is a very important tool, especially if you are a politician, career civil servant, diplomat, high-ranking member of the military, or high-level corporate executive. This is also a very advanced tool to use, and if used correctly, nobody knows or suspects that it was ever used at all.

By itself, Plausible Deniability is a somewhat limited purpose tool. However, those who are expert at both, alternative facts and plausible deniability, are extremely successful in their fields of expertise.

You are far better off just sticking to alternative facts as it’s a far more useful multi-purpose tool that you can use every day and get great results.


As Always

I Am…..

Tom Dye, The Safety Guy

This news commentary is an original work of satire by Tom Dye, The Safety Guy

Yes, Beer Yoga, REALLY Is A Thing!

Yes, Beer Yoga, REALLY Is A Thing!

and, I’m all in.

The geniuses at Germany’s, Bier Yoga (On FaceBook @bieryoga) seem to have started this trend over a year ago. Why didn’t anybody friggin bring this to my attention sooner? Jhula over at @bieryoga is my new hero. It’s no surprise that Beer Yoga is taking the world by storm.

Beer Yoga from @bieryoga

Beer is one thing I know about. I consider myself a professional beer aficionado.  I don’t mean the horrible King of Beers, The Champagne of Beer or even beer brewed with Rocky Mountain Spring Water. I am talking about real beer, mirco-brews, brew pubs, Sam Adams, Carlsburg, Guiness, etc. essentially beers with body and flavor. Obviously, this is how it should be.

Don’t get be wrong. I am not advocating excessive beer drinking at all. However, a nice cold beer or two after a grueling day at work is certainly appropriate.

I do have extensive experience with fine beers that are certainly related to Yoga. Deep breathing a fine aroma of a fine beer for starters. I am even fairly expert at both 12-ounce as well as 16-ounce curls. I have even proven proficient at 64-ounce “growler” curls as well.

Yoga, on the other hand, not so much. You see, I have never been very flexible. I mean not now, not ever in my life. When I watch Yoga all I can see is pain, and a severe risk if falling down. This actually makes me feel pretty inadequate.

On the other hand, after a couple of beers, I feel enough courage that I could give Yoga a shot, and maybe even be semi-successful. Like I sad, Beer and Yoga is a genius combination, and I for one, I am fully prepared to pursue it to the fullest and strive to become an expert at Beer Yoga. I mean why not? For just once in my life I want to be on the cutting edge of something, instead of a Johnny come lately.

I have already instructed my retirement advisors to liquidate my retirement so I can start a new Beer and Yoga pub to be called, Yogi Beera’s Beer & Yoga Pub. As we speak, I am currently interviewing and hiring the best Beer Yoga instructors and bartenders from all over the country. I envision that Yogi Beera’s Beer & Yoga Pub will feature 58 beers on tap as well as plenty of open space for the new Beer Yoga craze.

Once Yogi Beera’s Beer & Yoga Pub is up and running, I will begin selling franchise opportunities all across America.

Beer Yoga Photo from @bieryoga

Do you think @bieryoga’s Jhula is available? I think I need some personalized instruction in Beer Yoga as soon as possible.

Who knows this could be the next big thing. After all, the guy who invented the Pet Rock, made millions in the early 1970’s because he had vision. I believe that I can see quite clearly now.

I am definitely going to spring for the extra thick yoga mats.


As Always,

I Am…..

Tom Dye, The Safety Guy


This is an original article of news satire by Tom Dye, The Safety Guy.


Texas Cops Bust Of The Year Turns Out To Be Kitty Litter!

Texas Cops Bust Of The Year Turns Out To Be Kitty Litter!

Here we go again. I just wrote about a similar situation a few weeks ago. The last story concerned a man in Orlando, Florida who was jailed because cops mistook Krispy Kreme glazed donut flakes for meth. In case you missed it you can read all about it —> Here.

Another innocent person falls victim to the cops “Knowledge and Experience” and is falsely arrested and suffers all the bullshit that comes with it. Meet 24-year-old Ross Lebeau.

Ross Lebeau

Obviously, Mr. Lebeal certainly looks like a major drug lord. So he should get the book thrown at him, at least as far as The Harris County Sheriff’s Office was concerned.

Ross Lebeau’s story started on December 5, 2016, when he was pulled over for allegedly making a right turn without signaling. Yeah Right! We’ve all heard about this nonsense before. He drives a 2006 Acura which is apparently well known by law enforcement everywhere to be the car of choice of major drug kingpins. I mean why would a drug lord drive a new high-end Mercedes or BMW when they could be driving a 10-year-old Acura?

According to the Harris County Sheriff’s Office press release dated December 8, 2016. “Deputy S. Aguilar immediately detected the odor of marijuana in the car and inquired to Ross if there were any illegal drugs in his vehicle.

Mr. LeBeau stated there was a small amount of marijuana in the center console and a baggie of marijuana was recovered by Deputy Aguilar and he was detained at that point. 

During an inventory of the vehicle Mr. LeBeau was driving, a bag was found with small clear, blue and gold colored “nuggets”. A field test was conducted, and these “nuggets” tested positive for methamphetamine.

The total weight was 252 grams, a little less than half a pound in weight.
Mr. Ross LeBeau denied any knowledge of the methamphetamine that was found in his vehicle.

This is another example how a routine traffic stop turned into a significant narcotics arrest in our community and may have kept our children and loved ones free from being introduced to drugs.

Deputy Aguilar and other deputies are challenged on a daily basis to enforce the law using not only their knowledge and expertise, but their powers of observation to take criminals off the street”.

Here is what Deputy Agular found inside a sock inside Mr. Lebeau’s 2006 Acura.

Litty Litter

The deputy was credited for using his “knowledge and expertise” to take a criminal off the streets. This is almost the identical statement given by the Orlando Police regarding the false Krispy Kreme donut glaze meth bust.

Let’s explore this “knowledge and experience” thing that evidently seems to have some serious flaws.

The first question that comes to mind is “knowledge and experience” in what? Evidently, this doesn’t include visual identification of crystal meth. As the Orlando, Florida Police, and now the Harris County Texas Sheriff’s Office, anything could be misidentified as meth. Krispy Kreme donut glaze to kitty litter, do these freaking cops even know what crystal meth looks like anyway? Do they even learn about this sort of stuff in cop school? I think we can eliminate knowledge right off the bat.

Let me help. Here is a photo of

Crystal Meth

Here is a photo of crystal cat litter.

Crystal cat litter

As you can see, they look nothing alike. Not to mention the fact that cat litter placed inside an old sock is a common life hack to keep your windows in your car from fogging up inside in the winter. Not to mention the fact that drug dealers don’t often carry a half pound of meth inside a sock in the open in their cars. Just saying….

Experience, well I am fairly certain that many cops have extensive experience in pulling cars over for nonsense infractions like; not using a turn signal, broken tail lights or driving 3 miles per hour over the speed limit. Evidently, experience doesn’t extend to illicit drug identification, or in some cases common sense.

In both the Orlando story, and this newest one, the Police relied on cheap roadside drug identification test kits that are known to render false positives for illicit drugs 33% of the time. Think about that for a moment. That means that 1/3 of the fucking time, they are wrong, and some innocent sucker is arrested, booked for a crime they didn’t commit, and jailed for nothing. This is the real crime.

This is exactly what happened to Ross Lebeau. Sure, he had a very small amount of marijuana in his car. Whoopie! Newsflash: millions of people smoke pot. That doesn’t make him a drug kingpin trafficking in large quantities of crystal meth. It makes him a typical 24-year-old American. A typical American who just happens to drive a 2006 Acura.

Ross Lebeau spent three days behind bars before posting $50,000 bond. Three days in jail and $50,000 bond when his only real crime was a small amount of pot in his car’s ashtray. Seriously!

When he attempted to explain to The Harris County Sheriff’s Office how this was actually kitty litter that his father gave him to help keep his windows from fogging up, the cops “almost scoffed and laughed” when he explained the situation to them.

The case remained open until the Institute of Forensic Science conducted its own tests on the suspected drugs and determined that crystal kitty litter was “not a controlled substance.”

The “Bust of the year” was busted.

Charges against Lebeau were dropped on Jan. 4.

Here is a video of Ross Lebeau telling his story to a local news channel.

Ross Lebeau says all he want’s is an apology from the Harris County Sheriff’s Department as well as an agreement to stop using those cheap roadside drug test kits. Mr. Lebeau is an idiot. If this happened to me, I would get a good lawyer, and in the end, I would be able to afford a high-end Mercedes or BMW as well as money left over.

But then again, I don’t carry a half pound of kitty litter inside a sock in my car either, maybe I should start now.


As Always,

I Am…..

Tom Dye, The Safety Guy


This article is a news commentary and an original work of satire from Tom Dye, The Safety Guy.


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