PROFOUND REVELATIONS

Man Allegedly Drives Drunk Inside Walmart

Of course, this incident happened in the great weird State of Florida. And the best thing is, it happened only a couple of miles from my house.

I was certainly not shocked to learn that this incident happened in Florida, and I was very pleasantly surprised that this happened very close by. I’m sure that everyone already knows about the absurd things that happen at Walmart stores. There are even numerous websites that specifically document and catalog the bizarre customers who frequent Walmart.

You see, all kinds of shall we say “unique people” shop at Walmart. I am personally not a big fan of shopping at Walmart for several reasons. If I am forced to have to go to Walmart, I always go only during the daylight hours. I also zip in, and zip right out, as fast as humanly possible.

You have to understand, the mutants, zombies, freaks, wing-nuts, and criminals, only shop at Walmart at night. From what I’ve heard, the later the hour, the more bizarre it gets. Whatever the case, I am not taking any chances. When the sun starts to go down, I am outta there.

This particular incident happened at 9:00 PM, on a Sunday night, so I was certainly not at this particular Walmart, or any Walmart for that matter. I was safe at home.

Important Safety Tip: If you have to go to Walmart, never, ever, go after dark.

This wing-nut, a transient actually was driving around inside the store on one of those motorized shopping carts. You know the type. They have a maximum speed of like three miles an hour. An elderly person with a cane, can usually out-run one of these things. Usually, you see really “excessively weighted” people driving them, instead of walking through the mammoth Walmart stores. Anyway, this guy was not elderly or obese, he was just an average sized guy, by his picture he looks to be about 45-50 years old.

Apparently, Mr. drunk driving, motorized shopping cart guy, grabbed a beer off the shelf, popped it open, and proceeded to drink it, while drunkenly weaving his way randomly through the store. During his rampage and campaign of terror, he was knocking items off the shelves all throughout the store.

You know, I actually wish I was there to see that. It would have been worth the risk to venture out to Walmart after dark to see the spectacle. Just imagine the sheer mayhem as the mutants and freaks were running for their lives and diving for cover, glass breaking and items falling from the shelves and rolling across the floor. Not to mention the rivers of spaghetti sauce, juice, and other unidentified liquids flowing through the aisles, out the doors, and across the parking lot.  it must have been just like a retail Armageddon.

Just think, all this terror and destruction caused by one drunk guy, drinking a beer while erratically driving an electric shopping cart with a top speed of three miles an hour.  An electric shopping cart very similar to the ones below….

We all know what happened next, as the local Police Department received dozens of frantic 911 calls from terrified shoppers. Law Enforcement Officers arrived at the crime scene shortly thereafter, and in force. I can say this with some authority, as I live in the very same town. A small town with very little crime and an excessively large Police Force for the population density. Not only that my friends, we also have the Sheriff’s Department as well. I can just imagine the chaos….
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Since there is not much action in this small town, this would be a really, really, big deal. I am certain that there was something like 26 Police and Sheriff’s cars haphazardly parked in front of the store, lights flashing, radios crackling with orders.

While all these Law Enforcement  Officers converged upon Mr. drunk driving, motorized shopping cart guy,  the S.W.A.T Team was guarding the entrances with their assault weapons drawn, ordering the freaks, mutants, and yes, even normal shoppers, running out of the store in terror, (all the while slipping and falling in the river of slippery spaghetti sauce and other liquids flowing out the doors), to keep their hands up and keep moving.

I am absolutely certain that the Police efficiently removed all those terrified shoppers quickly and efficiently, to a safe and secure location.

You can also be certain that the Walmart checkout cashiers set up portable cash registers, to make sure that everyone paid for their purchases.

I didn’t hear of any casualties, so my hat’s off, to all the highly skilled Law Enforcement Officers who prevented an even worse tragedy.

Just imagine the scene as swarms of Police Officers and Sheriff’s Deputies streamed into the store, a plan was quickly devised to block some of the aisle’s with long trains of shopping carts and then herd the deranged drunk motorized shopping cart driver into one of the blocked aisles. The brilliant plan worked and the drunk driver was corralled in and arrested without further incident.

I have to commend the overworked and underpaid Walmart workers, for working hard to have the store open on time, the very next day. After the Police were finished impounding the electric shopping cart for evidence, taking 267 photographs, from every possible angle, videotaping the path of destruction, reviewing the store’s surveillance tapes and using whatever Cop equipment that they had lying around the Police Station, dusty and unused, for the last few years, it must have given the Walmart workers only a few short hours to clean up the huge mess.The store opened on time and on schedule, it looked like nothing had ever happened.

Ultimately, this drunken wing-nut told the Police that he was a transient and that he did not have money to pay for the alcohol. He was arrested on charges of disorderly intoxication and retail theft. Because he has been arrested twice before for retail theft, this arrest was a felony.

Once again, because of the skills and bravery, of our dedicated men, and women, of Law Enforcement, our world is a safer place.

As always,

I am…

Tom Dye, The Safety Guy

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