Man Who Had Sex With Horse Was Trying To Make It Have A Baby, Whoa..What the f–k is wrong with people? No, I take that back, people don’t do this sort of thing. This dude is a f–king freak of nature. On top of that he has committed crimes against nature. I am actually at a loss for words, so this one may be a little shorter then usual.
Most of the most absurd stories I write were inspired by events that happened in the great weird State of Florida. This bizarre story, did not occur in Florida, it happened in the State of Texas. This story is even too bizarre for the great State of Florida.
So, as the story goes, this candidate for the “Darwin Awards” decided that since his girlfriend didn’t call at a certain time, he was going to go next door and have sex with the neighbors horse. The girlfriend didn’t call. Evidently, the girlfriend in this story was the only reasonably intelligent one in this whole sordid affair. Maybe, she knew of his propensity to have sex with animals, or maybe she became suspicious because her boyfriend had unexplained horse hairs on his clothing. Or, most likely she got new glasses and saw this dimwit clearly for the first time. Whatever the case may be, I am certain that she has broken up with horseman by now.
According to dips–ts own statement to the police, which I have conveniently provided a copy of below, this animal perv proceeded to go to the next door neighbors house, to carry out his diabolical plan to create a horseman.
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| Actual Police Report |
I am going to skip over the part about the mechanics of his having sex with a horse. This is something that I don’t even want to think about. However, this crazy dimwit had deluded himself into thinking that the horse must have liked it, because it just stood there. I find it far more likely the the poor horse was just so stunned, it was frozen in fear. Seriously, what would you do if some totally different species of animal decided to have sex with you, in the dark, with the intent on creating a bizarre inter-species animal hybrid genetic freak?
Didn’t this guy go to school or ever watch any kind of TV? everyone knows that there is no such thing as inter-species animal hybrids unless they were almost genetically similar anyway. What I mean is there will never be a horse-man baby, not now, not ever.
Oh my God! I just thought of something. This is an even more horrifying thought. Maybe he was trying to recreate the warrior class beast from ancient Greek mythology, the Centaur. What the f–k was this freak thinking. This is the last thing we need reintroduced into modern society. For those of you who are not familiar with Greek mythology, a Centaur was half man, and half horse. They have the body of a horse but, in place of the horse’s head the have the torso, head and arms of a man. Most are wild and savage, known for lustfulness and drunkenness. The exception is the wise Centaur Chiron.
Do you think it is possible this is some sort of convoluted evil plan that this dimwit was trying to pull off, to actually recreate a beast straight out of ancient Greek mythology? Na, this f–king idiot doesn’t have the intelligence to even think of any kind of plan, none the less, an evil plan.
In reality, I actually feel the most sorry for this dimwits girlfriend, she is the one who is going to have to live with having dated a guy who f–ks horses. Can you imagine the horror, and humiliation, she felt upon on finding something like this out. To makes matters worse, much worse, he was arrested, and published, in the NEWS. Not to mention it gave me something really absurd to write about as well.
This poor girl who I am certain knew absolutely nothing about this idiot’s propensity to have sex with horses. I can imagine, that the next morning after learning the horrifying news that her boyfriend was arrested for having sex with a horse, this poor girl opens the front door to her house to discover a sea of reporters and NEWS people on her front lawn, all waiting for a statement. My advice to the poor girlfriend is to disguise herself and leave, find somewhere else to start a new life where nobody knows about your ex-boyfriends crimes against nature.
We all know how the NEWS works. Somehow some reporter somewhere, most likely from FOX NEWS will somehow blame the girlfriend. After all it must have been her fault right? If she would have called or came over this entire horrendous crime against nature wouldn’t have happened right? Don’t get me wrong, Tom Dye, The Safety Guy, is not saying this, and I never would. Although, I am pretty sure some that one of the right-wing-nut reporters will.
Important Safety Tip: Don’t have sex with animals.
As always,
I am…
Tom Dye, The Safety Guy
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