Brave Brit Fights Off 4 Attackers While Holding Fish And Chips. This story is a tribute to my British readers. Right off the bat, I want to say, This guy is my f–king hero. He is obviously some a British version of the Bruce Willis, character John McClane from the ‘Die Hard’ series of movies. He even resembles Bruce Willis, except he has hair.
This real life action hero, John Wood, 37 (I even mentioned this guy by name because he is that f–king bada-s) a Pub owner, in Britain had just purchased some of the British version of fast food, Fish n’ Chips. The shop is appropriately named, Frank’s Fish & Chips Shop, and is located in Wisbech, Cambridgeshire, England.
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| John Wood Photo by Steve Williams |
John, as I am going to refer to him from now on, single-handily, I mean literally, single-handily fought off four, count um, four muggers at once, when the four muggers asked for his wallet. at this same moment his phone went off so the muggers told John to hand over his phone as well.
John, being the super hero that he is, simply told the muggers “Come and Get it”. All four of the unlucky muggers jumped our hero, John at once. John remembering some Aikido skills he learned as a kid and immediately took two of the would be muggers down. He then knocked down a third before the fourth mugger stabbed him in the side with a sharpened screwdriver.
Of course, John was not going to be stopped by something as trivial as being stabbed in the side with a screwdriver. As a matter of fact, I am sure that this was not more then a mere annoyance for our super hero. John then proceeded to disarm the mugger with the screwdriver. John pulled the screwdriver out of his side himself, which disarmed the mugger and then hit him. John thinks he knocked out the unlucky screwdriver stabber.
Then as John so aptly put it – “Then I just got in my car and left.” John was quite proud to point out that his order of Frank’s Fish n’ Chips wasn’t even squashed.
After John got home, John’s fiancee eventually convinced our reluctant super hero to go to the hospital, he felt it wasn’t really necessary. John reluctantly agreed early the next morning, but only because the wound wouldn’t stop bleeding. John received 18 stitches (15 internal, and 3 external) to close the stab wound to his side. This guy makes Chuck Norris look like a f–king wimp.
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| Photo by Steve Williams |
There is a bit of irony in this story, remember I told you his phone went off the moment the muggers asked our hero John for his wallet? Well, it was a text message from his fiancee telling John “Be careful, it’s dangerous out there” This is f–king priceless. Evidently it isn’t dangerous for John, it’s far more dangerous for muggers.
Of course this brings up some questions. John being a Pub owner, certainly has experience fighting off people while holding a pint, and not spilling a drop to boot. This is to be expected as this would be alcohol abuse, which by the way, is a serious crime in the United Kingdom, as well as the United States.
But this was not a beer our reluctant super hero was holding, it was an order of Frank’s Fish n’ Chips. Something similar the the image below.
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| Fish n’ Chips |
The only possible explanation for John’s heroics is these must be the best Fish n’ Chips on the entire planet. Is there some sort of secret ingredient that I am not aware of? are they worth risking your life for? Evidently at least as far as John is concerned the answer is a resounding YES!
Of course, here in the United States, especially the great weird State of Florida, this feat of heroism certainly not be that heroic. You see even one handed, the gun nuts would always make sure that they had quick access to their legally concealed military type assault firearm. It would not take more then a second or two, and the four muggers would be dead on the ground.
It’s even easier here in Florida, because of our asinine, “Stand Your Ground Law”. Evidently our dumb–s Florida Lawmakers dream of returning to the lawless, bloodbath, days of the old west. Maybe they all secretly think of themselves as Clint Eastwood’s character from his spaghetti western movie days from the 1960’s. When in actuality, these half-wit lawmakers are more like the half insane Clint Eastwood, who recently had a rambling incoherent conversation with an empty chair.
Did you know that in Florida all you have to do is say you felt threatened. You can even be the aggressive party who started the altercation. All you have to do is kill the other person or persons and say you felt threatened by them. You would most likely get away with murder. After all dead men tell no tales.
Did I mention that I was in London in 1991, I had an absolutely amazing time. I also had Fish n’ Chips. However, I certainly would not have died for them, they were certainly very good, and I thoroughly enjoyed them. They were even wrapped in paper that was made to look like the London Times. That being said, I still would not have risked my life for them. I would have given my wallet, phone and the Fish n’ Chips to the four muggers. Of course, these poor imitations were not from Frank’s Fish N’ Chips Shop either.
Maybe some of my British readers can enlighten us, as to what makes these Fish n’ Chips worth risking your life over. Sounds like Victoria and I need to plan a trip to Wisbech, Cambridgeshire. England.
In order to get to the bottom of this story, Tom Dye, The Safety Guy and my seriously lovely fiancee, and editor, Victoria, will need to investigate this Frank’s Fish n’ Chips Shop personally. If anyone wants to finance our trip for some Profound Revelations on-site investigative reporting and dining, at Frank’s Fish n’ Chips Shop, please contact me by email. Your support would certainly be very much appreciated.
To my new hero, John Wood. I am raising a pint of ice cold Heineken, just for you. Well done John, very well done indeed. Cheers!
As always,
I am…
Tom Dye, The Safety Guy
