Woman And Her Haunted Toaster Make For The Greatest Interview In Television History!
Why the hell didn’t anyone ever tell me about the existence of this video before? I really can’t believe I didn’t know about this. Thank’s guy’s, for keeping something so important like this, secret for 28 years. Well, the secrets out now.
Here’s what I strongly suggest, no I insist, go ahead and watch the video, go ahead do it now, I can wait, it’s only a little over a minute long. Trust me, this video will change your life forever. After your done watching we can discuss this in far more detail…(Don’t worry the video opens in a new window so you won’t lose your place).
Your done? …….See, I was right wasn’t I, well I told you so.
This is f–king terrifying! A haunted toaster! For the love of God, when is this sort of stuff gonna stop. How do you defend yourself against a haunted toaster, anyway?
Once again I am going to rely on the SWAG theory (Scientific Wild Ass Guess) and my own expertise as Tom Dye, The Safety Guy, to assist you in surviving this onslaught of demonically possessed appliances. I am going to focus on possessed toasters in this article, however, the techniques are the same for most possessed household appliances.
I highly recommend that you take notes as this information may one day save your life or the life of a loved one.
Before I begin…For those of you who belong to the Catholic faith, I know exactly what you are thinking. You’re sitting there smugly, in front of your computer, thinking to yourself, no big deal. I know full well that the Catholic church is the world renown expert on demonic possession. I can just call my local Priest, and he will just drop everything, and run right over, and perform an exorcism. Sorry, to burst your bubble, but You are wrong.
The Catholic church certainly knows more about demonic possession than anyone else on the entire planet. However, the Catholic church only performs exorcisms on people, and then only under extraordinary circumstances. If you don’t believe me go ahead and call your local Priest, call the Vatican for that matter. Once you tell them that your Toast-O-Matic is possessed by a demon, they won’t believe you.
Even if the church did somehow believe you, after all your crying and babbling incoherently from the sheer terror of it all, they would just tell you to get rid of your possessed toaster and be done with it. This is exactly what I am trying to avoid.
You certainly wouldn’t ever discard toaster that makes really good toast, now would you!
Don’t panic! I am going to show some useful and practical ways for you to learn to live in harmony with your little toaster demon.
How do you know if you have a haunted appliance? Of course, knowing your enemy is the first step in protecting yourself. Evidently, according to the woman in the video, at least where demonically possessed toasters are concerned, your toaster will start speaking to you in the voice of Eli Wallach.
For those of you who don’t know who Eli Wallach is, there is going to be some homework.
It is absolutely critical that you know this voice. Go out and get a copy of the movie “The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly”. This is a great old Clint Eastwood film (don’t worry this was made decades before he went crazy, and started having conversations with empty chairs).
Anyway, Eli Wallach is an actor and is one of the three main characters in the movie. Eli Wallach played the part of Tuco Ramirez (The Ugly). He has a very distinctive voice. Know this voice, and know it well. Your life and sanity may depend upon it.
Note: I don’t have any information that all haunted appliances sound like Eli Wallach, or if it’s unique to toasters. Maybe some of my readers have more insight on this. If so, please leave a comment at the bottom of the page, and let the rest of us know.
The next clue that your toaster may be demonically possessed, (as if speaking to you in the voice of Eli Wallach, and telling you “I am the Devil” isn’t enough) your toaster starts spitting out perfect toast, nothing special about that except this toast has the words ‘Satan Lives” carved into it.
I know in the video this was not done in front of the cameras, and it looks like the words on the toast were carved with the tip of a butter knife. We all now that if it is on the internet, or on TV it has to be true right? This is especially true if the video on the internet was originally broadcast on TV, from the “Today Show” to be precise.
One thing I was wondering about, is it safe to eat the satanic toast that your demonically possessed toaster spit out with the words “Satan Lives” carved into it? I have determined that it is perfectly safe. You might even find that it holds the butter a little better than regular toast.
Lastly, according to the woman in the video, “When all is said and done” your demonically possessed toaster still makes good toast. Obviously, a toaster that failed to perform it’s primary function of making really good toast, could not be demonically possessed.
So, after everything we learned above, if your toaster exhibits any, or all, of those behaviors, it is very likely demonically possessed. So, what do we do about it? By utilizing the SWAG theory we can do a number of things to protect ourselves, and have our perfect toast too.
First of all, stop and take a deep breath! You can deal with this! Even if your toaster is possessed it is still only a toaster. It does not have legs and is pretty much confined to an area equal to the length of the cord. Thank God, toasters have really short power cords.
Important Safety Tip: You may want to purchase a fire extinguisher, and make sure the toaster is not placed under any low-hanging wood cabinets or anything else combustible. As you saw in the video, demonically possessed toasters have a tendency to spout flames periodically. Remember, Safety First.
Secondly, Keep your demonically possessed toaster unplugged when not in use.
I am not sure that this would stop it talking to you in the voice of Eli Wallach, but I am certain that it would eliminate the unexpected flames.
Lastly, and this one is strictly my own theory, and it is not backed up by any sort of empirical evidence or direct observations. Just follow my logic for a moment.
What if this demon did something to really, really, piss off Satan. Seriously, why wouldn’t this demon be out possessing some peasant girl or right wing nut politician? Maybe the demon is just really cranky because it is doomed to possess a common toaster. I can just imagine all the other demons laughing at these guys trapped inside toasters. Seriously, if you were a demon how would you feel?
So, by using that logic, maybe you should include your demonically possessed toaster in some of your families regular activities. I don’t mean things like taking your toaster for a ride in your car, or taking it to work with you, that may be a little weird, although, you could try. Let me know how that works out for you!
Actually, I was thinking more along the lines of family activities like watching a movie together. Hey, try inviting your demonically possessed toaster into the living room to watch “The Good, The Bad and The Ugly” with you, and the rest of the family.
This might be the start of a whole new friendship between you, and your demon toaster. Think about it, your toaster already sounds like Eli Wallach anyway. Maybe, just maybe, your toaster will learn some new lines. This would be really entertaining for when you have dinner parties, etc.
How about including your demonically possessed toaster in other family activities like watching TV, Monopoly, card games, music (just not heavy metal), you could even read it a story.
The last, and most important piece of advice I can give you, is to show your little toaster demon some respect. Talk to it, tell the toaster demon how much you appreciate it working hard to make you the perfect piece of toast every time.
It might even be a good idea to give your toaster a hug. (Just remember to make sure it is unplugged, remember the unexpected shooting flames. I wouldn’t want anyone to be injured).
Essentially, You have to learn to embrace and control the inner demon. Only then, can you learn to live together, in peace and harmony.
If you have any stories about haunted appliances. I’m sure that all the rest of my readers would really like to hear about it. I know I certainly would. Use the comment box below.
As always,
I am…
