Elephant Dung Turned Into Coffee. WTF!!! When is bulls–t going to stop. Enough already!
First it was Civet Cat, poop coffee. I have already written about that, so you already know how I feel about that.
Evidently, someone felt they could one up Civet Cat, poop coffee, so the absurd idea for Elephant, poop coffee was born. That, and they just happened to own a heard of Elephants, I guess you work with what you have.
Did you know that it takes fifty hours for something to pass through an elephants intestines. Basically fifty hours from swallowing to passing through the other end. Well, someone else knew this as well, and decided it would be a f–king great idea to serve Elephants raw coffee beans, along with the usual Purina Elephant Chow, wait fifty hours or so, and follow around the elephant with a bucket under its ass, and collect the elephant poop. You dry the poop, extract the coffee beans, roast the coffee beans, and BAM!. Elephant poop coffee. Coffee that now sells for $1,100.00 per kilo, or $50.00 per cup.
The theory behind Elephant poop coffee is simple, there is an enzyme in the elephants digestive tract that breaks down coffee protein, this protein is the constituent in coffee that makes coffee bitter. Or so the theory says. After all, you had better have a theory if your going to feed elephants raw coffee beans, and follow them around with a bucket under their ass all day. If you didn’t have one, people would think you were really, really, strange.
Important Safety Tip: No matter how stupid the activity is, If you have a theory, and sound like a Scientist, people will believe it. A white lab coat, and a clipboard helps too.
Who thinks up this crap anyway? What is wrong with good ol’ regular coffee, you know the kind that doesn’t come out of animals asses. I wasn’t aware that our regular mountain grown beans, picked at the peak of ripeness, and slow roasted to perfection was a problem. Mankind has been making coffee the same way for centuries, and has perfected this technique to make the perfect cup of coffee, every time. I don’t ever recall anyone ever wondering if their coffee would taste better, if the coffee beans somehow could pass through the digestive system of an animal, and come out their ass. I am pretty certain that if anyone ever did think this, they wouldn’t say it out loud. Has anyone ever mentioned this to you?
The main flaw in this persons thinking is having to sell a cup of elephant poop coffee for $50.00 per cup.Trust me this is way, way, too high, Hell, I cringe at the prices at those trendy Seattle coffee shops, and we are only talking about $5.00 to $7.00 per cup.
Hey, I have a great idea for you. You could market a less expensive kind of D.I.Y. (Do It Yourself) type Elephant poop coffee. Think about it, your labor costs would be far less, and you can pass these savings onto your customers.
Instead of going through all that work, just collect all the Elephant poop, dry it out and sell it in five kilo packages. The consumer would be responsible for extracting the beans, roasting the coffee beans to perfection, and grinding the coffee. As an added bonus, the leftover Elephant poop would make great fertilizer for your vegetable garden.
You know, maybe some of the cash strapped cattle ranchers, right herein the United States, should jump onto this bandwagon. How about Black Angus, cow poop coffee? (dark roasted, of course) or better yet, a specialty, Limited Edition, American Bison, poop coffee?
Think about it.
Just remember, you heard it heard it here first.
As always,
I am…
Tom Dye, The Safety Guy
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