ANALYSIS: The Numbers Don’t Always Add Up
You mean like Mitt Romney’s tax plan? Or the discrepancy between what I think I am worth Vs what I am actually paid?

What Makes Irish Whiskey Irish
I am going to take a really wild guess with this one. Could it be it’s made in Ireland? Maybe someone can correct me if my assumption is incorrect.

Mitt Romney’s Contraception Strategy: Change The Subject
This actually works, some women use this technique all the time.

What Does Donald Think About KStew & RPatz’s Reconciliation?
Seriously , doe’s anyone on the planet actually give a sh!t what Donald Trump thinks about anything?

DON’T DROP THE SOAP
STOP IT! I know exactly what your thinking, and your way off base. So don’t even go there. I said these headlines came from a variety of national news sites, not porn sites.

Some Guy Just Spent $9,995 On Expired BBQ Sauce
Go figure. I never realized that there was such a huge collectors market for expired BBQ sauce. Maybe we should all check our refrigerators, you never know what you might find. Hey, how much for some circa 2010 expired Stubb’s spicy BBQ sauce?

Boy squeaks after swallowing whistle 
Important safety tip: just maybe you should take the child to a Doctor. Or, he could always become a traffic cop when he grows up.

Why do elephants have hair on heads? 
One of lifes great mysteries is finally solved. This is a huge load off my mind. I have been contemplating this very question for most of my adult life.

Is parenthood killing your sex life? 
The answer is obvious. Just ask anyone with small children.

Generation XXX Gets Sex Ed From Porn 
Didn’t we all?

‘Malarkey! Malarkey!’
Typical news day.

John Roberts: Supreme Court not ideological
This is actually quite funny. Who knew John Roberts had such a dry sense of humor?

Issa May Subpoena Over ObamaCare
This guy would subpoena the newspaper boy if his paper was late. Or maybe he is going for the Guiness Book of World Records for the most nonsense subpoenas ever served.

NO SH!T: Cat Poop Coffee In High Demand
Not in my household, or coffee cup, beside I hate cleaning the cat box.

WOMAN BREASTFEEDS DOG
What did that poor dog ever do to her? I’m calling the ASPCA right now.

Pumpkin Vandals Terrorize Florida Neighborhood
Here’s what’s going to end and it won’t be pretty. A blood thirsty mob of peasants will storm out of their houses armed only with candles and pumpkin carving tools.The pumpkins will leave town in a hurry.

University Swears Dalai Lama Did Not Say ‘F**k It’
His Holiness, the Dalai Lama does not f#cking swear, not now not ever.

Romney Caught Red-Handed With False Statements
How stupid can Romney possibly be, doesn’t he realize what the penalty is for possessing false statements? Isn’t that a first degree felony?

Survey: More People Believe In Space Aliens Than In God
Hmmm. Obvious similarities between both, mysterious, all powerful, and usually appear only to the one half-wit in the middle of nowhere, that virtually no-one one the planet would find credible. A better question is do they believe in us?

Five Found Dead in Denver Bar Set on Fire; Police Suspect Foul Play
Seriously, Police suspect foul play? I would have never guessed.

Republican Becomes Cartoon Bobblehead
Hey, at least this is original, if you can’t win as a Republican then become a cartoon bobblehead.

Mitt Romney’s ‘Binders Full Of Women’
When I was a kid I didn’t keep these in binders, I kept them in between the mattresses so my parents wouldn’t find them.

Siblings: We Weren’t Stealing A TV, We Were Having Sex
This has to be the worst excuse I have ever heard. The operative word here is siblings.

Woman Arrested After Bloody Tampon Fight
I was actually slightly afraid to even read this story.

Police Stun Gun Blind Man They Thought Had Samurai Sword
You have got to be f@&king kidding me… Seriously a blind man with a samari sword. What’s he going to do use the force on you? They seriously mistook a blind mans red and with cane for a samurai sword?

Bologna Sandwiches Were So Good, Woman Had To Call 911: Cops
Why? It’s a frigging balogna sandwich for christ sake, how good could it be?And where did she get these amazing sandwiches from anyway? I may want to try them myself.

Alanis Morissette Music Leads To A Plate In The Face: Cops
I know some people have strong feelings about Alanis Morissette but this one is new. Evidently an important safety tip is to put away the dishes before listening to Alanis Morissette music.

Darth Vader’s Wife Punched In The Face
WTF…Did I miss something? I saw the movies, and I certainly don’t remember Darth Vader being married. Who would marry Darth Vador anyway?

Local Leader Blames Chowmein For Rapes
This story requires more investigation. Was it the MSG? or the chowmein itself? I never much cared for chowmein anyway.

Arizona National Guard Under Fire For Hunting Homeless With Paintball Guns
What??? Jan Brewer must be involved somehow. She has shifty eyes.

Can Sales Of Presidential Dog Doo Bags Predict The Election?
How come I didn’t know about this before? If there are presidential dog poo bags for sale out there I want one. Seriously, this could be a valuable collectors item someday. If someone wants to buy me one please contact me.

Small Penis Contest In Denmark A Big Deal, Sex Experts Say 
Just a bit of advice…advertising that this is your problem will seriously impair your ability to get a date.

Man Kicked Out Of Bar For Mullet Hair
This is obviously a very classy bar. I don’t blame them in the slightest.

FIRED UP! Woman Lit Vending Machine On Fire After It Ate Her Money
Come on now. Don’t judge her, we have all felt this way at one time or another. Your really, really, thirsty and you are down to your last 4 quarters. You eagerly slide them into the slot one at a time, and make your selection. You hear that horrible sound of the bottle getting stuck. You got nothing, no drink, and no quarters , the machine is mocking you in your time of need.

Sleepy? Your memory may get worse
Did they actually pay someone for this study? Really, we could’nt figure this out on our own. When wake up at night to pee I can barely find the bathroom down the hall.

Cranberry Juice No Good for Infections
Wow! I dodged a bullet on this one I was always taught to use antibiotics. Cranberry juice never crossed my mind.

DNA From Phony ‘Chewing Gum Survey’ Solves 1976 Cold Case
Ah! the old chewing gum survey got them again. Moron! I thought everyone was onto this one.

9/11 Terror Plotter Can Wear Camo Vest in Courtroom: Judge
Important safety tip, if you are accused of a terror plot, wearing camo in front of the jury is probably not a good idea. A suit and tie may be more appropriate..Just saying.

Calif. school officials heated over Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
This is obviously the major contributing factor to the terrible performance of our school systems. Shame on you Frito Lay, shame on you.

Racist monkey noises taint European soccer
I in no way condone racism in either humans or monkeys. But, exactly what does a racist monkey sound like?

Confession time: Panty liner ads aren’t real
Come on, Say it isn’t so.

Bugs invade town, covering kids, dogs, food
Just another subject of nightmares. First it was birds, then rats, now bugs. I’m keeping the RAID next to me at all times now.

FBI: Man tried to open plane’s door after landing
Dude, don’t you know flight attendants are very picky about opening the door correctly. Only they can open the door, besides they are required to tell you thanks for flying with us as you exit the plane.

‘We’re So F*cking Dumb’
No comment, this is blatantly obvious.

Why I Married A Psychopath
See the headline above.

As always,

I am…

Tom Dye, the Safety Guy

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