Snarky Comments – are short news bites that didn’t make the cut for full “Tales of the Absurd” stories or commentary.  However, these thoughts, one-liners, or headlines were enough to warrant at least a snarky comment.

“Tom, Can you please stop by xxxxxxx my email is not working”. This is the text of an actual email I received at work. ???

“I will give it all the consideration it deserves” You should try this line on a co-worker some time when they ask you to champion something that is really stupid.

“His intellectual domain is uninhabitable”

Donald Trump pretending that he is not advocating violence (talking about Hillary Clinton):“She goes around with armed bodyguards like you have never seen before. I think that her bodyguards should drop all weapons. They should disarm. Right? Right? I think they should disarm immediately. What do you think? Yes? Yes. Yeah. Take their guns away. She doesn’t want guns. … Let’s see what happens to her. Take their guns away, okay? It would be very dangerous.” Lets just cut right to the point here, Donald Trump is a Douche bag. 

My Life Is Like A Three Ring Circus – I would say that my life has been like a three ring circus, except, that  this doe’s not adequately describe all the hoops I have had to jump through.

Convict Says Prison Denied Him ‘Dragon Blood,’ Carrot Cake
OK, let’s just for a minute forget that this guy is a convicted murder serving life in prison. Where in the hell do you buy dragon blood anyway? I am pretty sure that I have never seen any at my local supermarket.

Butcher Feeds Marijuana To Pigs To Create True High-Quality Meat
Obviously, this gives a whole new meaning to “when pigs fly” Wow! now I can get high and satisfy the munchies at the same time.

Father And Son Hold Up Chicken Restaurant When Employees Forget Their Wings
Seriously??? These dumba–es, held up the fast food restaurant with an AK-47 assault rifle over a forgotten order of $5.00 chicken wings. Dimwits like this pair are the exact reason why we absolutely need an assault weapon ban.

Just When You Thought It Couldn’t Get Any Worse …
Trust me, it always does.

Would You Drink Elephant Dung Beer?
Nope! and neither should you.

After Dog Eats $500, Man Decides To Stash His Cash Differently
Hey, zipper-head, I guess stashing the money under the dog food wasn’t such a good idea after all.

 ‘Alcoholic’ Sells Wife For $110 To Pay For Booze
I saw the picture that went along with this story, and I can tell you the buyer definitely got ripped off. I would immediately take her back and demand a refund.

When Facts Aren’t Facts
Anytime Mitt Romney, or a Republican super-pac says anything

Is Reality TV Making You Unhappy?
I think this question is obvious, don’t you?

Environmental Law Causes Strange Hoarding Habit
That’s right, evidently, it is now illegal to throw anything away. If it is not bio-degradable your stuck with it.

Man Gets Dumped, Wins $30 Million Lottery
That will teach her a valuable lesson (literally). I am pretty sure that he will not be stressing out about this breakup. Although, I’m pretty sure she will.

The Germs Lurking In Your Wallet
Ah! Come on. I am already afraid to touch practically everything. Evidently, now my wallets not even safe. Whoever’s doing these studies knock it off already. I can’t take anymore.

Nobody ‘Goes Online’ Anymore
Seriously? Who writes this stuff anyway? me, you, and anyone else who reads this must be the only ones left online. If this was really true then how come my internet connection isn’t a lot faster now?

If You Don’t Have An HD TV, You’re Not Normal
Evidently, I have only been normal since 2009. Better late then never I suppose.

Scientists Say Breakthrough May Lead To Better Beer
Finally, some scientific research that is being done for the good of all humanity.

Is Creativity Really Linked To Mental Illness?
Sure it is, just consider what you’re reading right now.

Hairy Chest Study Spotlights Kind Of Mate Women Prefer
Seriously? I mean come on. Someone actually gets paid for this type of study? if so, how do I get in on it?

‘TOTAL UTTER BULLS–T’
I couldn’t have said it better myself. Obviously, the story is about the day’s political news.

‘I Can’t Stand Whining’
I can’t stand whining either. But people still do.

Cops: Unarmed Skipping, Singing Student Was A ‘Threat’
I can see these guys are really on top of their game. I too would certainly perceive an unarmed, skipping, singing, student to be a threat. I can see a real future for these guys in either the food service or hotel industries.

Dildo Removed From Man’s Intestines
I’m not going here and I don’t even want to imagine the how or why. Some mysteries are better left unsolved.

Woman Charged For Not Giving Husband Best Chicken Parts
Obviously, she should be charged. How dare she be so selfish and not at least share the best chicken parts with her husband. The real question is what would she be charged with? I wonder what would be the fine for such an egregious offense.

Couple Ordered To Pay Big Bucks For ‘Dangerous’ Chihuahua
This just reinforces my life long belief that Chihuahuas are the meanest animals on the planet. I bet that even Badgers, mountain lions, and grisly bears cower in their presence.

Ballsy brew! How does bull testicle beer taste?
I don’t know, don’t care and will never ever try it, not now, not later, not ever. I can’t even imagine how anyone could even imagine something like this, or even consider that this would be a good idea. This is a major perversion of beer, the ultimate alcohol abuse. Do you mean to tell me that there actually was someone out there that looked at a pair of bulls testicles and had this giant epiphany, and actually thought to themselves ”Hmmm I bet this would make great beer”. Hell why stop at bulls testicles. How about a nice bulls penis pilsner, cow vagina lager, cow brain ale. OK, I’m going to stop now.

City removes actual fork in road
OK, this story was actually pretty funny. To paraphrase, there is a town with a ‘Y” shaped fork in the road, you know the kind, a triangular shaped island, and you can go either right or left around it. Someone actually made a six foot wooden fork and painted it silver and placed it upright on the island. The city did not find it amusing and took it down. Me, I would have left it there.

Fake Heinz Ketchup Bottles Explode
This is f#*king hilarious. Serves you right for purchasing counterfeit goods. Wait…Hmmmm… how do I know if mine is real or fake? Sh!t my bottle of Ketchup may be primed and ready to explode at any moment. Or, maybe someone just stupidly attempted to put Ketchup on a hotdog. Everyone knows that putting Ketchup on a hotdog always ends badly.

Mom Kicked Off Bus Over Dirty Diaper
Important safety tip: For all you moms out there wearing soiled diapers, change them before you get on the bus OK. Enough said.

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