PROFOUND REVELATIONS

Naked Burglar Arrested in Florida Looking For Sesame Seeds!

This story really resonates with me. Not just because I live in Florida, Normally that would be more than enough. As an extra bonus, this guy was also arrested in the same city where I work.

Considering that Largo, Florida where this sad story occurred is 65 miles from the city where I live, by my rough calculations, this is a cool 100 extra bonus points. Believe me, I keep track of this sort of thing.

Of course, this incident happened in a trailer park, which is exactly what you would expect from trailer park trash. It all started with one Martin Henderson, 48, of Largo, Florida.

Martin Henderson

As you can tell by the photo above, our anti-hero, and trailer trash burglar, is a fine upstanding human being. Personally, I think he looks a lot like Howard Stern, no offense to Mr. Stern. I was just making an observation. Please don’t sue me.

Mr. Henderson was Sitting around all day long in the ol’ trailer smoking synthetic marijuana. Evidently, this behavior starts to take its toll.  I mean seriously, what could possibly go wrong?

Evidently, and this is pure speculation on my part. Sitting around the ol’ trailer park smoking synthetic marijuana all day makes you very hungry. Mr. Martin Henderson decides that a delicious hamburger would be just the thing.

A delicious hamburger would be on the top of my list of food to satisfy my cravings for a delicious dinner. I mean unless you are a vegan, this would be on the top of everyone’s list right? Sorry, My vegan friends, personally tofu just doesn’t cut it for me.

Anyway, our anti-hero, Mr. Martin Henderson makes his delicious hamburger and suddenly discovers that he doesn’t have any sesame seeds for his hamburger bun. This seems a little strange because I usually buy my hamburger buns with the sesame seeds included. I never even considered that I could add sesame seeds, after the fact. Who knew?

So, our anti-hero, Martin Henderson upon discovering that he was missing a key ingredient of his delicious hamburger, sesame seeds; decided upon a mission to rectify this major culinary oversight.

Mr. Henderson somehow became convinced that his neighbors in the trailer behind him were hoarding his coveted sesame seeds. So he hatched his plan to acquire what he so desired. It was actually much more than that, he absolutely had to have them. By now, he was obsessed.

Mr. Henderson’s plan was simple, and genius in its sheer simplicity. Nothing could possibly go wrong. The sesame seeds were as good as his.

Our anti-hero, striped off all of his clothes, which is a requirement for a successful sesame seed caper, grabbed a butter knife and was out the door. It took only a couple of minutes to jimmy the neighbor’s front door on their trailer, and he was finally inside looking for his coveted sesame seeds for his hamburger that was patiently waiting for the final delicious ingredient.

Mr. Henderson proceeded to rifle the kitchen looking for his coveted sesame seeds. Our sesame seed burglar looked everywhere, he was absolutely certain that they were in there somewhere.  He looked high and he looked low. He looked in every cabinet and nook and cranny until…… he opened the very last cupboard.

There on the second shelf near the back was a golden glow, as our sesame seed burglar pulled out items from the front, flour, sugar, brown sugar, and more. The glow became brighter and brighter until it was so bright it was almost blinding, it was like looking directly into the face of God. Hallelujah! Our sesame seed burglar slowly reached for his elusive prize. When….

William Loland, the owner of the trailer in question, and rightful owner of said sesame seeds was previously sound asleep with his girlfriend until being rudely awakened by all the commotion in his kitchen and decided to get up and investigate.

Per Mr. Loland’s testimony to the Police, he was awakened by a commotion in his kitchen. Mr, Loland being a cautious man, crept from his bedroom and peered into the kitchen. The only light was from a night-light in the kitchen, and of course, the golden blinding light emanating from one of his kitchen cabinets.

According to Mr. Loland, and this is a direct quote, “I thought it was a woman because he had long hair, and he was all nude. I thought it was a woman because he had a pot belly,”

WTF! Mr. Loland thought that this was a woman in his kitchen because he was naked, had long hair and had a pot belly? Evidently, our hapless sesame seed burglar also has a penis so small that he is easily mistaken for a woman even while naked. By Mr. Loland’s standards, the sesame seed burglar’s long hair and his pot belly, was definitely a tell-tale sign that he was in fact, a woman.

It would seem to me that the sesame seed burglar has a lot more problems than just needing his coveted sesame seeds for his hamburger.

Mr. Loland further stated, “I grabbed him by his neck, and I escorted him towards the door,” Loland said. “He was still naked. I said, ‘You’re lucky I don’t knock you out.’ He said, ‘I don’t think you can.’ So that’s when I hit him. That’s when I hit him twice.”

911 was called, and our micro penis, pot-bellied, sesame seed burglar, was arrested soon thereafter.

And that’s how we do things here in Florida.

As Always,

I Am…..

Tom Dye, The Safety Guy

This article is a news commentary and is a work of original satire by Tom Dye, The Safety Guy.