I remember it well, the details are burned into my brain like it was just this morning. You see…It was in March of last year that my wife, Patria, and I were preparing to work in the backyard. It was a beautiful sunny warm day here in West-central Florida. I know that a lot of you in other parts of the country, March is freezing, but not so much here where we live.
As soon as we went out to the area next to the garage first we had to that had torake up the thick layer of leaves, weeds, and palm shoots, etc. It was right then that I saw it. It was maybe 3-4 feet away from us, just kind of hanging out.
Right in front of us, was a typical, harmless, Florida Black Racer Snake, it was maybe three feet long.
I pointed to it, …….. and before I could get the words out of my mouth,…… “Look it’s a black racer” ……. my wife, Patria, who only a fraction of a second before was right behind me…… was already long gone.
She had already sprinted the forty feet to the back gate, through the back door, and all the way through the house, all the way to the front porch. This was all before I could even turn around or react.
The totally harmless common Florida snake obviously uninterested in my wife’s distress casually turned around and slowly slithered off, and who could blame it with all the commotion.
Laughung to myself I walked to the house opened the door and called Patria, eventually, I found her on the front porch. The conversation went something like this:
Me: Baby, come on out, it’s just a harmless black racer.
Patria: I am not going outside anywhere where there is a doggone snake.
Me: It’s just a black racer it’s not poisonous and won’t bite.
Patria: How do you know it’s not a water moccasin?
Me: It’s not a water moccasin, it’s just a harmless garden snake, and besides it’s gone now.
Patria: All Snakes bite.
Me: Not these. they don’t have any fangs.
Patria: It will bite if it’s scared.
Me: What do you think it’s going to do? Go out of its way to attack you?
Patria: It might. You never know.
Me: It won’t. It’s perfectly safe now.
Patria: How do you know it’s gone?
Me: I saw it go away, it headed out into the side yard, come on out.
Anyway, this conversation went on for a few minutes, but she eventually agreed to come back out. I once again assured her that the snake was long gone and everything is perfectly safe.
Patria told me that she would know because she would smell it. Evidently, snakes have a particular smell, something that’s a cross between; watermelon and fish.
Who knew. So, if you’re ever outside and you smell something that’s what can only be described as a cross between fish and watermelon, …..then……… RUN.
Anyway, the snake never came back, and we completed our project with no further incident.
Life is Good.
By the way, the snake looked something like this..
Southern Black Racer
In the end, we both survived, and lived to talk about it.
As Always,
I Am….
Tom Dye, The Safety Guy
If you like this story and feel compelled to leave a tip, or donate so I can create more content like this, my Paypal address is: tdye1958@gmail.com
Florida Man Tells Police His Dog Shot His Girlfriend
Note to my readers: I was having a bout of writer’s block for a few days when suddenly this headline popped up and snapped me right out of it. I’m back now!
The story you are about to read is true, the names have not been changed to protect the dumbasses involved, This is their story.
Jacksonville, Florida. – Police received a 911 call from 25-year-old, Brian Murphy around 11:05 p.m. Murphy reported that his dog had just shot his girlfriend.
I am going to just let that sink in for just a moment. It’s O.K. I can wait. (I am going to imagine the theme music on the game show Jeopardy when the contestants are writing down their answers down during the final jeopardy round).
O.K. times up. At 11:05 P.M. Jacksonville, Police responded to a home where a shooting had just occurred. Brian Murphy answered the door and reported that his girlfriend, one Summer Miracle (Yes, that is her real name) had just been accidentally shot in the leg by their dog, Diesel while she was asleep in bed.
Seriously, so far, The Jacksonville Police are actually believing this story. Really, you can’t make this stuff up.
Let’s look at the fact’s as we know them so far, and then you can be the judge.
Upon arriving at the scene of the crime, Brian Murphy told the responding officers that he and his girlfriend, Summer Miracle, were sleeping, when Diesel, the dog woke him up wanting to go outside.
When Diesel and Murphy went back into the house, the dog led the way into the bedroom, he said, according to First Coast News and multiple other news sources.
Brian Murphy reported that he then saw a flash and heard a bang. He told police he thinks Diesel the dog, jumped up on a nightstand, somehow, causing a gun on it to fire. The bullet from Murphy’s gun hit Summer Miracle in the leg. Murphy told police he covered Miracle’s wound with a towel before calling 911.
Seriously??? This is the only story he can come up with, a modified version of the tried and true, totally unbelievable, the dog ate my homework excuse?
Also, what dumbass keeps a loaded gun on the nightstand with the barrel facing towards them?
Let’s look at the facts as I see them, of course, since this is my story, these truths, are the only ones that count.
First of all, I have previously written about how various wild animals are beginning to turn on us, especially squirrels, crabs, etc. but not dogs. No, never man’s best friend, the faithful and beloved dog. Man’s best friend would have to have a really good reason to turn upon him or a loved one.
I have a dog, his name is Homer. He has never, ever, tried to kill me, not with a gun or any other type of weapon of mass destruction. Sure, he periodically gets mad at me and pees or craps in the house, he steals food, or shreds paper towels, to try and annoy me sure, but to actually try and kill me, I think not at least not yet.
So, here’s a 25-year-old guy who for whatever reason goe’s to bed stupidly early and suddenly gets woken up from a dead sleep, because his dog, Diesel needs to go outside. This very fact alone should raise red flags.
Seriously, what 25-year-old guy goes to bed before 11:00 P.M. anyway. Hell, when I was 25, I specialised in 4-5 hours of sleep, per night, in between working full time, and partying late into the evenings. Not that I could do that now, Oh No!, but it was fun while it lasted.
So, Brian (and I will refer to him by his first name since he isn’t here to defend himself) wakes up because Diesel the dog want’s to go outside. (Now, mind you by the photos I saw on-line, Diesel the dog >looks like a purebred Rottweiler which is a really large breed of dog).
Brian get’s up out of bed and takes Diesel the dog outside, so Diesel can do his business. Upon completion of his dog duties, Diesel the dog comes ru back inside and “precedes” Brian into the bedroom. According to Brian, he then saw a flash and heard a bang before he could even get to the bedroom himself.
According to Brian, he thinks that diesel the dog jumped onto the nightstand where his gun was sitting and accidently fired the gun, striking his girlfriend, Summer Miracle, in the right leg.
But was it an accident? could Diesel the dog have actually decided to commit premeditated murder? Let’s explore that possibility.
Diesel the dog’s plan was brilliant in its sheer simplicity, Diesel the dog, woke up Brian on the false pretence that he needed to go outside to do what dogs do, then quickly do his business and rush back into the bedroom, jump up on the night table and fire the loaded handgun that Brian had so carelessly left there. The plan was perfect, except for the fact that Summer Miracle did not die, she was only wounded.So, evidently, Diesel the dog being unhappy that Summer Miracle was taking up the space that Diesel the dog felt was rightfully his, decided there was only one course of action. Diesel determined that the only rational course of action was to kill Summer Miracle, so he could rightfully reclaim his rightful place on the bed. Sounds perfectly reasonable right?
This sounds like a perfectly logical line of reasoning right? Are you kidding me? I don’t fucking think so.
What are the chances that an 80-100 pound dog would contemplate premeditated murder and somehow manage to stick his over-sized paws into the trigger guard, aim the weapon, and fire the gun, in an attempt to kill Summer Miracle? Any statisticians out there help me out, will you? the odds have to be astronomical right? Or are they?
Summer Miracle, claims that she was sound asleep, and has now idea how she was shot. Besides, Diesel the dog has never, ever, exhibited any sort of homicidal tendencies prior to that fateful night.
So, the facts as we know them are, Brian left a loaded handgun on the night table barrel facing towards the bed…. Check!
Brian, a healthy 25-year-old male, and his girlfriend, Summer Miracle were both sound asleep some time considerably prior to 11:05 P.M. ….Check!
The news reports made no mention if the Police inquired if drugs or alcohol was consumed by either Brian, Summer, or Diesel, the dog prior to the shooting incident…Check!
So let’s recap the three possibilities presented to us for how this crime was committed.
Brian feeling trapped in a bad relationship felt compelled to kill Summer Miracle. Brian got Diesel the dog out of the house to avoid any eyewitnesses, made his way back the bedroom in the dark and shot Summer in an attempt to make it look like Diesel the dog did it. The only reason Summer Miracle is alive today is either she moved in her sleep while Brian was letting Diesel the dog out, it was dark, and quite possibly Brian is a really piss poor shot. It could also be a combination of the above.
The other possible scenario is that Diesel the dog is a killer and actually tried to murder Summer Miracle. After all, dogs are very smart and very sneaky. It’s possible that Diesel the dog was harbouring a deep-seated resentment of Summer Miracle because Summer had displaced Diesel’s usual spot on the bed. Diesel having been relegated to the cold hard floor at night hatched a plan to get rid of Summer Miracle once and for all. After having studied the gun and how to fire it, Diesel hatched his plan to pretend to have to go outside, race into the bedroom ahead of brian, shoot Summer Miracle. Obviously, everyone would think it was just a tragic accident and nobody would be the wiser. However, the plan failed.
Or, Brians story that this was strictly a freak accident, and Diesel the dog did, in fact, jump up on the nightstand and accidently shoot Summer Miracle
All three scenarios are possible, so I leave it up to you to decide for yourselves.
If you wish to weigh in on any of the scenarios or propose your own
Let me know, and I will add it so we can all debate it together.
In the meantime, I would suggest that if you have a dog, you may want to keep all loaded firearms or other potential weapons locked up just in case. You can never be too safe.
As Always,
I Am…..
Tom Dye, The Safety Guy
This article is satire and news commentary loosely, O.K. very loosely based on actual events.
Now They Are Trying To Convince Us That Giant Spiders And Other Monstrosities Are Our Friends!
Seriously? I think not!!!
Meet Charlotte.
Charlotte
Charlotte is a Huntsman Spider native to Australia. She was rescued from certain death by an animal rescue group in Queensland Australia.
According to the animal rescue group, Barnyard Betty’s Rescue, “She was a beautiful, calm spider, not aggressive in any way and like most spiders she just wanted to go about her business eating bugs and living in peace”.
Let’s break this down. Beautiful is obviously in the eye of the beholder. I believe that many animals and insects are beautiful. However, I draw the line at spiders.
I mean look at this thing, it looks like something right out os some sort of B-rated horror movie. I know some of you are saying; ah, look at how cute she is.
Really? Imagine waking up from a deep sleep and find this thing crawling across your face? Not so cute then, is she? Or how about Charlotte and twenty or thirty of her friends deciding they are going to use your bedroom as party central. Yeah, real cute.
The rescue group also noted how she was not aggressive in any way. Of course, she wasn’t. As you can see in the photo the person is holding her on a broom. To a spider, a broom is a weapon of mass destruction. A more plausible explanation is Charlotte was just biding her time, waiting for the perfect opportunity to strike, or when you were not holding a broom. Whichever comes first.
I believe that she was just waiting for them to go to sleep, creep into the house, and carry her her dastardly plan.
Once the hapless animal rescuer was sound asleep, Charlotte would weave one of the famous Huntsman Spider webs across the bedroom door and wait until her hapless victim rose in the night to use the bathroom and become trapped in her web. Once her innocent victim was trapped she would spin them into a cocoon and suck all the juices out of them at her leisure until they were nothing more than a dried up husk.
I am somewhat of an authority on this, I have actually seen a couple of movies about this exact same scenario. Believe me, it never ends well for the human.
And finally, their last part is a total lie. They tried to convince us that Charlotte just wanted to live her business eating bugs and living in peace.
Let me introduce exhibit “A”. Here is a video of a much, much, smaller Huntsman Spider dragging a mouse up a refrigerator so the mouse could become its next meal.
If you account for Charlotte’s size, that would mean she would certainly be killing and dragging your cat or small dog into some hiding place to eat them. Think about that. Charlotte’s not so cute now is she?
Before you start sending me hate mail as some sort of monster who hates spiders, and would eradicate any spider I come across, you are dead wrong. As long as the spiders are outside, and stay out of my way, we get along just fine. Live and let live as I like to say.
I have a reason to be leery about our eight-legged friends. When I was a teenager living in the mountains in Central California my friend Jim and me used to hike around the area. I t was well known that Native Americans used to bury artifacts under mounds and rock piles.
Imagine our surprise when we were hiking across a dry streambed and we came across this giant mound about three feet tall right in the middle of the dry streambed we were hiking through. We thought we had hit the motherlode.
We did not have any shovels or any other sort of implements of destruction with us, so we decided to come back the next day and dig into it. This was ultimately a huge mistake.
We arrived back at the spot the next day armed with a couple of those folding camp shovels. We really thought that we might have found some really interesting artifacts. We were pretty excited to find out exactly what it was we had discovered.
We eagerly unfolded the camp shovels and started digging. When all of a sudden………
About of the quarter of the way through the mound, the sides suddenly fell away and literally thousands of spiders (well, maybe hundreds, It was a lot either way) came boiling out of the hole. I mean they were pouring out, jumping out, and crawling over each other.
This dark mass of jumping, crawling mass of spiders came pouring out of the hole like some sort of viscous liquid heading right for us. I imagined that this huge mass of spiders we’re more than mildly irritated.
As far as I know, those camp shovels are still there as we dropped them and ran away as fast as out legs could carry us. This was not cool.
If this experience doesn’t give you a healthy fear of spiders I don’t know what will.
Years later, I had a friend who really liked tarantulas. He had 4 or 5 of them. He used to let them roam freely around his apartment. He used to call me and invite me over for a beer or two and to watch TV.
I used to warn him to put the spiders away before I got there because if one of them jumped on me, by sheer instinct, and self-preservation they would be squished.
His furry friends liked just like this….
Tarantula
Tarantulas. A giant hairy spider, and the distinct possibility that they might be crawling or jumping on me, I think not. You know these things have fangs, right? If they wanted to they could bite the crap out of you.
As far as I can tell tarantulas look exactly tile the thousands of big hairy spiders that came crawling and jumping out of a mound in a dry creekbed and tried to kill me, and my friend Jim a few years prior.
Here’s another video I found on YouTube, that proves my point about spiders….
This spider is the size of a dinner plate. They describe it as having two-inch fangs but stress that its venom is not dangerous to humans. However, if it bit you, it would feel like 2″ nails driven into your hand. Really? That sounds like fun. This thing is definitely not my friend.
I have had several pets in my lifetime and still do. I have had; Dogs, Cats, Birds, Hamsters, a Rat, and various Fish. (Well, fish are not really pets), and I once had a Parrot that would randomly attack me for no apparent reason.
But, other then the psychotic parrot, I didn’t have any worries that any of the cats, dogs or even the rat, that I have owned at various times in my lifetime have harbored any ill will towards me. If I was sleeping in bed and there were on the bed with me, I didn’t have to worry about them suddenly deciding that I was going to be their next meal.
Why stop at giant spiders being our friends? If these monstrosities are out friends how about befriending the Giant Coconut Crab? I mean why not. An over-sized dangerous spider Vs. a giant oversized crab. What’s the difference?
When it comes to friends in the animal kingdom, I am going to stick with the four-legged domesticated type. At least with these animal friends, I know I can sleep easy.
I don’t know about you, But I am not ready to be some eight-legged monstrosities next meal. How about you?
As Always,
I Am…
Tom Dye, The Safety Guy
This article is an original work of satire based on actual events (OK, very loosely, almost none). The original reference story posted on The Huffington Post can be found by clicking —-> HERE.
I am going to state right off the bat, that all of you and I are going to heaven and there is nothing we can do about God's unrelenting, unconditional love. The post All God’s Children Go To Heaven, Amen! appeared first on PROFOUND REVELATIONS.
I pointed to it, ........ and before I could get the words out of my mouth,...... "Look it's a black racer" ....... my wife, Patria, who only a fraction of a second before was right behind me...... was already long gone. The post The Great Snake Attack appeared first on PROFOUND REVELATIONS.
I believe that organized religion puts way too much burden on people with questions like; What is my purpose? What is my calling? At least for me, Just pondering these types of questions is a really weighty endeavor, and frankly, one that I don’t need to worry about. Life is hard enough with the COVID19 […]
