PROFOUND REVELATIONS

Tales oF the Absurd, Original Satire, Politics, Religion & News Commentary

Category: Weird Florida

Thieves Steal Dog And Human Ashes, Snort Them

Thieves Steal Dog And Human Ashes, Snort Them. You got it. This is yet another, in a long line of absurd stories, from the Great Absurd State of Florida. This seems to be a regular occurrence. I am not even remotely surprised anymore. As a matter of fact, as the old saying goes, I used to be disgusted, now I’m just amused.So, these three balloon heads break into a home and steal various items, including the three urns containing the cremated ashes of a human, and two dogs. Except for stealing the urns of ashes, this was a pretty typical home burglary.  That is until, these idiots were caught, as is often the case, once the Police are hot on the trail.The Police quickly solved the case and recovered all the stolen items taken, except for the urns of cremated remains. The Police interrogated the three desperado’s as to the location of the three urns of cremated remains. Of course, all three cracked under the pressure. You will never, ever, guess what happened to the ashes of the woman’s father, and two dogs.

Give up yet? Well, It turns the Police would not be able to recover all of the cremated remains of the woman’s father, as well as her two beloved dogs, because these three bizarro crooks, SNORTED THE CREMATED REMAINS, Yes, like up their nose’s. You heard me correctly. Yes, they actually snorted the ashes. I could’nt have made this stuff up, no matter how hard I tried. I would have figured that this was so far into left field, that virtually no one would have believed me.

Even though, I haven’t personally done any drugs since the days of my youth, I still have an opinion as to why this was totally, and absolutely absurd. Snorting cremated remains, Seriously? This is something anybody would actually consider? Is this some new fad that I am totally unaware of?  Thank God, I didn’t know about this when I was growing up.

As I understand it, here’s how things played out. These three boneheads opened the urns, and discovered the cremated remains. Most people believe that cremated remains are just ashes. Well, cremated remains are not ashes in the truest sense of the word. Cremated remains are mostly dry calcium phosphates with some minor minerals, such as salts of sodium and potassium. Sulfur and most carbon, are driven off as oxidized gases during the process, although a relatively small amount of carbon may remain as carbonate. The color is often described as that of dry bone.

I bet you are really impressed that I know so much about cremated remains. Your probably thinking to yourself right now, that; Tom Dye, The Safety Guy, is a pretty frigging smart man. Yes it’s true, I am, But, in this case, I looked up cremation. on Wikipedia. I was actually trying to determine the chemical composition, more on that later.There are several issues that deserve further analysis, so I am breaking them down piece by piece.

So, these three boneheads, opened the containers, and seriously thought that the cremated remains within, were actually ground up prescription pills, cocaine or heroin, and certainly not, actually cremated remains. Here’s an experiment you can try at home. Take any pill, an aspirin, vitamin, anything at all. Now grind it up. OK, How big is the pile of powder after the pill is all ground up? Pretty f–king small isn’t it?  How many ground up prescription pills would it take to make four or five ounces of fine powder?  I have no idea either, but it would take a lot, I’m sure of that. So why would anyone leave four or five ounces of ground up prescription pills sitting around on their fireplace mantle anyway? Maybe the homeowner was using Edgar Allen Poe’s theory, as described in “The Purloined Letter” where we found out, the best place to hide anything is right out in the open.

Next, these half wits tasted the contents. You know, everybody’s seen this done on those TV crime dramas where someone sticks their finger in some supposed narcotic, and tastes it, so they can somehow determine exactly what it is.  OK, using this premise, (By the way, this is why I looked up the chemical constituents of cremated remains). I work in chemical safety, and I can assure with 100% certainty, that there are no constituents whatsoever, that could even remotely be construed, or perceived as being prescription drugs, narcotics to be more specific.

Furthermore, cyanide, birth control pills, aspirin, laundry detergent, roach powder, mortar and grout mix, and a multitude of other substances, many of them harmful or fatal, are also described as a white powder. So why would anyone in their right f–king mind taste some quantity of unknown white powder from an unmarked container? As if this wasn’t enough, then decide this would be a great idea to snort it? Once again as with many of these stories, these guys obviously do not suffer from the ravages of intelligence.

Finally, after snorting a small amount, one would assume that after not feeling some sort of narcotic effect, or even more importantly, not dying,  that you would immediately determine that this unknown white powder was in fact, not actually ground up prescription pills. I would have thought that even the most desperate, determined, hardcore drug addict, would not have to snort the contents of all three containers of these cremated remains to figure this out.

I got to hand it to the Police for taking these guys off the street before they were able to graduate to more serious crimes, like smoking cow pies to get high, or stealing the white lines in the middle of the road.

As always,

I am…

Tom Dye, The Safety Guy

Become a follower today and receive a notifications of new content as soon as it’s posted.
If you enjoy this blog, Please tell your friends, family and co-workers. Post a link on Facebook,, Twitter, Google+, share it by email, or shout it from the roof to unsuspecting passersby. 
Your support is genuinely appreciated

MARK IT ZERO: Man Accidentally Shoots Himself While Bowling

MARK IT ZERO: Man Accidentally Shoots Himself While Bowling.  ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME!!! You don’t even have to ask, of course this totally absurd incident happened right here in the great weird State of Florida.

God! I love this State!

So anyway, this poster child for gun control had a loaded revolver in his  pocket while bowling and the weapon fired when the man’s bowling ball brushed up against his pocket during his back swing. Seriously!!! What a freaking dumbs–t. This moron is obviously a really crappy bowler as well as a dumba-s.

Bowling

Bowling

Of course, being Tom Dye, the Safety Guy, I know all about guns, as well as lot’s of other esoteric knowledge. It was reported that this idiot had a loaded revolver in his pocket. Of course, you would definitely need a loaded revolver in your pocket during a night out of bowling, I mean seriously, who doesn’t go bowling without packing a concealed firearm right?

“His Bowling ball brushed against him, when he was in his back swing, which in turn triggered the revolver,” this was actually witnessed by another bowler nearby. Obviously, this half cocked dimwit, either had very large pockets, or a very, very, small gun. I am still trying to wrap my head around how this dumbs–t managed to pull off the stupidest gun accident in recent memory.

Let’s talk about revolvers for a minute, there are essentially two different types.  In a single-action revolver, the user pulls the hammer back with his free hand or thumb; the trigger pull only releases the hammer. In a double-action revolver, pulling the trigger moves the hammer back, then releases it.

So how in thew hell do you fire the gun just by brushing against it with your stupid a-s bowling ball. Is it possible that this balloon head actually had a loaded revolver in his pocket with the hammer in the cocked position? Is there anyone on the planet who would keep a revolver in his pants pocket with the hammer pulled back and ready to fire? Well, no one except for this dumba–s.

Looking Stupid

Looking Stupid

The gun fired and hit him in the leg. Frankly,  it should have shot him in the nuts just to teach him a lesson. We certainly don’t want stupid people like this breeding more stupid people. If we allow this to continue we will have people shooting themselves all the time while bowling. Eventually, we may all would need full body armor while bowling, just so we don’t get injured by stray bullets. You know, this may have just started a new variation of bowling. I can see it now; Duck n’ Roll Bowling. I might actually watch something like that on TV.

We really need to discuss the root cause of why this kind of absurd behavior regularly occurs with amateur bowlers. I know it’s the elephant in the room that nobody want’s to talk about, but we need to get this out in the open.

Of course, I have a theory. I am just going to come out and say it, IT’S THE F–KING BOWLING SHOES. Yes, it’s the stupid bowling shoes that are causing this self-destructive behavior and exacerbated by all the half-cocked, concealed weapon toting, moron’s all across the country.

Deadly Bowling Shoes

Deadly Bowling Shoes

Every time you go bowling, you have to rent a pair of the most butt ugly shoes known to man. On top of that, these same bowling shoes have been worn by tens of thousands of people prior to you since like 1959. I know, they supposedly sanitize these bowling shoes after each use, YEAH RIGHT! hitting them with a little spritz of some no name brand disinfectant after each use isn’t going to do s–t.

I believe that over the decades there is some sort of intelligent and definitely malevolent  mind altering fungus that grows inside these bowling shoes and under the right conditions it takes over the minds and bodies of the unsuspecting wearers of these deadly shoes. Seriously, think about all the absurd incidents you have read about, or seen on the news, about violent incidents that happen at bowling alleys across the country. They all have one common denominator, THE SHOES.

I know some of you have your own pet theories about what causes these absurd incidents at bowling alleys. I have heard them all and I can debunk all of them right now.

Bowling alleys serve alcohol –  Sure they do and so do bars and restaurants,  but you don’t hear about these type of absurd incidents happening at these establishments now do you? So, we can shoot that theory down right now.

Bowling is a stressful sport – First of all bowling is not a sport. If you mean that rolling a stupidly heavy round ball, usually in some sort of amazingly ugly color scheme and rolling it down an infinitely long narrow wood lane and somehow hitting some pins at the very far end is stressful, then maybe you need to find another activity to occupy your time. Bowling is certainly stupid, but stressful, I think not.

It’s the kind of people who are attracted to bowling – Maybe this theory has some very small grain of truth to it. Certainly rocket scientists are not bowlers, but then again some people can get sucked into doing anything. Nah, I am still sticking to my deadly, malevolent,  intelligent fungus theory, as that is the only common denominator in all of these absurd incidents.

I told You So!

I told You So!

So, what do we do to stop this menace to society? Obviously we should outlaw the stupid game we call bowling. I know it’s a pipe dream, so I guess we will have to go with plan “B”.

For God’s sake buy your own stupid bowling shoes. Seriously,  do you actually let every one of your friends and family and even complete strangers wear your regular shoes? I think not, at least I know I don’t.  Besides, have you ever seen those mutants hanging out at the bowling alley? Think about it, they were most likely the last ones wearing the same deadly fungus infested bowling shoes that you just rented a half an hour ago. If that doesn’t give you nightmares, I don’t know what will.

You could at the very least leave your guns at home dim wits. When was the last time terrorists attacked a bowling alley? After all, do you want to be the laughing-stock of the entire nation just like this moronic dimwit is right now? Hey, this guy made it into Profound Revelations – Tales of the Absurd, and believe me this is a pretty exclusive club. Maybe you should just sleep on it, I think with a nice cup of coffee and a clear head in the morning, you will end up agreeing with me.

Here’s a little parting gift that I think you will enjoy. This is a really cool music video by the band “Camper Van Beethoven” from 1985. It’s a really cool song called “Take the skinheads bowling” I hope you enjoy it.

Remember, don’t forget to go out and buy your own personal pair of stupid bowling shoes right away. Who knows maybe Walmart is even having a special sale on cheap Chinese made synthetic leather bowling shoes.

 

As always,

I am…

Tom Dye, The Safety Guy

Become a follower today and receive a notifications of new content as soon as it’s posted.
If you enjoy this blog, Please tell your friends, family and co-workers. Post a link on Facebook,, Twitter, Google+, share it by email, or shout it from the roof to unsuspecting passersby.Your support is genuinely appreciated.

 

Page 4 of 4

Powered by WordPress & Theme by Anders Norén

%d bloggers like this: