PROFOUND REVELATIONS

Woman Torches Car At Gas Station, Claims To Be God.  A 29-year-old woman claiming to be God was arrested after torching her car at a Florida gas station.  Seriously, when you just read this headline were you even remotely surprised that this absurd incident happened in the great weird State of Florida?

If you have been reading past stories in Profound Revelations – Tales of the Absurd,  you will certainly know by now that the State of Florida has by far the highest ratio of absurd events per capita than anywhere else on the entire planet. I actually really enjoy living in Florida, talk about inspiration.

I am pretty certain that  Christians waiting for God to return to this earth, this was definitely not how they envisioned it happening.

A 29-year-old woman, in Daytona Beach, Florida, pulled up to a gas station/ convenience store, sprayed the outside of the car with a liberal amount of gasoline and ran into the store and grabbed a disposable lighter. Nothing unusual so far right? Petty theft is certainly not uncommon, but a woman muttering “I have got to get out of here” and “I am God” over and over is a little bit out of the norm, even for the great weird State of Florida.

An employee at the convenience store chased down God  to retrieve the pilfered disposable cigarette lighter. Evidently, even God has to pay for merchandise just like the rest of us.  The clerk Gas station worker bravely fought with God to get the lighter. The brave worker managed to get back the stolen lighter, but noticed a strong smell of gasoline on her hands, so he wisely backed off. Unfortunately God  grabbed another lighter and fled the store,  and the next thing you know Whoosh!!! God had just torched her car. The blaze was described by one of the employees as 15 barbeques all being fired up at once. Kind of an interesting analogy, but you get the general idea.

God Torched her Scion

Another quick thinking employee shut down the pumps by activating the emergency shut-off switch, which prevented the entire gas station from blowing up.

Evidently, God doesn’t like dogs either. I know that’s hard to believe, because after all who doesn’t like dogs? A bystander noticed that God’s two dogs were in the flaming car, which was quickly becoming an inferno. The brave bystander managed to open the passenger side door and successfully rescue the two helpless animals, before they became barbecued dogs. This guy absolutely deserves a medal for bravery. I am pretty sure that the two dogs would agree with me as well.

After torching her car, God calmly walked out to the road, sat down in the middle of the road and waited for  a car to hit her. God was still in the middle of the road when the police arrived on the scene some minutes later. God was taken to a mental health facility for a mental health evaluation.

As for the gas station, the  station only suffered a melted pump hose from the incident. The gas station reopened right away. I am not sure if you  can thank God for that small miracle, In this case I would think not.

I have big issues with this whole incident being caused by a direct intervention from God.  As usual, being Tom Dye, The Safety Guy, I am going to analyze this entire incident using my SWAG theory (Scientific Wild Ass Guess). I think I can debunk the entire God returning to earth as a petty thief, arsonist who attempted to barbecue her dogs alive and burn down the gas station theory, in pretty short order.

First things first – Would God be caught dead driving a Scion? I think not. I am pretty sure that God would have more class than that. Personally, I don’t know why a supreme being that is described as all-powerful and all-knowing, would even bother with cars.  If God did need a car I would think God would choose something a little more classy such as a Jaguar, Mercedes or even a high-end BMW.

Secondly, all gas stations in Florida are either pay at the pump first with a credit or debit card.  Or you have to go in and pay the cashier, prior to pumping gas.   Assuming that God actually decided he/she need a car, and certainly not a Scion, why would God need money or debit cards for anyway? I seem to remember that God had a real issue with money. Remember the story about the money changers at the temple?

I would also like to talk to the credit card company that issued God a credit card. I have no idea how God could have a good credit history, drivers license, employment history or other identification. If God himself created the credit card, wouldn’t  that amount to credit card fraud?

Also, why would God even need a disposable cigarette lighter for anyway? I would think that creating fire would be a fairly easy stunt for someone who created all the heavens and the earth and is all-knowing and all-powerful. I mean for all the miracles that are attributed to God, creating a small flame would be like child’s play to a supreme being. Seriously, think about it.

Also, as a dog lover myself,  I cannot imagine God attempting to barbecue alive two of his/her most loyal and loving creatures. If dogs are man’s best friend, I would think that they hold a special place in God’s heart as well. I know what you are thinking, “God giveth and God taketh away”. OK, Point well taken, However, I would Imagine that God would “taketh” away in a much less cruel fashion.

Finally, as far as sitting in the middle of the road waiting for a car to hit her. I believe that this would be a fairly futile act by any God. One, it would never happen and two, if it did what difference would it make. Remember that God supposedly is all-knowing and all-powerful, so what would a mere automobile do to a supreme being? Why absolutely nothing of course.

If God is all-knowing he/she would know that a car is not going to hit them anyway. Let’s just say for argument’s sake that a car did hit God while she was sitting in the middle of the road. Then wouldn’t mean that God wasn’t entirely all-knowing or all-powerful after all?

You know this particular SWAG analysis just reminded me of an old George Carlin routine from the 1970’s. So, here’s a little parting gift, a very rare video of one of George Carlin’s early performances attempting to describe God. Enjoy!

Once again the SWAG theory has led us to the inescapable conclusion that this delusional woman is not God. Evidently, this poor woman is just suffering from some sort of severe mental break with reality. We can thank God that neither the dogs or anyone at the gas station was injured in this bizarre incident.

As always,

I am…

Tom Dye, The Safety Guy

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