Weird Florida Archives - Page 3 of 4

Category: Weird Florida Page 3 of 4

Salad-Munching, Masturbating Burglar Takes Toy Chopper For Joy Ride: Cops. Well, here we go again… Of course, this incident happened right here in the great weird State of Florida, St. Augustine, to be exact. This is not something you would expect to happen in a quaint little historic town on Florida’s East coast.

St. Augustine, Florida

Here’s a guy who broke into a home, allegedly just to masturbate. This is the first time I have ever heard of such a thing. I can only assume that this half-wit has some sort of bizarre architecture fetish and feels compelled to masturbate on the inside of interesting or unique architectural structures. I am going to give this strangely bizarre fetish a name right now. Remember you heard it here first, from Tom Dye, the Safety Guy.

OK, you ready? Drum roll please…………….

The official term for this strange mental disorder, shall now and forever be called: Auto Erotic Architecturbation Syndrome (AAAS).

Our AAAS sufferer, Jason Lee Vickery, 23 as he was identified by Law Enforcement is definitely someone you should be on the lookout for. Certainly don’t let your daughter date this guy. All you young mother’s out there, if you see this guy walking down the street, move the other side of the street and shield your children’s eyes. And for God’s sake do not, ever, under any circumstances, shake this dudes hand. Study this picture really, really, well. Better yet, print it out and paste it on the ol’ refrigerator.

Jason Lee Vickery

Oh, but it gets even better my friends, just as our AAAS sufferer, Jason, was about to get down to the deed, he was distracted by a toy remote-controlled helicopter that just happened to be lying around nearby. The helicopter was green. I have no idea if the color green had anything to do with his actions or not, I am just reporting the facts. This dumb–s was so fascinated by the green toy helicopter that he actually rummaged around until he found the remote-controlled helicopter’s batteries so he could take it for a spin around the inside of the house.

Remote Controlled Helicopter

I do have to admit, this little jewel does look like it would be a blast to fly around the house. But, I digress, let’s get back to our story.

After buzzing the green remote-controlled helicopter around the house for a while, this half-wit then proceeded to see if he could be even more off the wall. After tiring of playing with the little green helicopter, Jason our AAAS sufferer, pulled out a green salad that he just happened to have with him and proceeded to eat it.

Remember what I said before about the color green? First, he was distracted from masturbating by a “green” radio controlled helicopter, then he was distracted by a “green” salad, that he just happened to have with him. What the hell! How many f–ktards carry around a green salad in their pockets anyway?

This brings up a really interesting point, is there something about the color green that sets off, Auto Erotic Architecturbation Syndrome sufferers? Doe’s the color green somehow cause AAAS suffers to compulsively act on their bizarre Architecturbation fantasies? Someone should seriously be studying this. If evidence proves decisively that this is true, then maybe the cure could be as simple as AAAS sufferers wearing special glasses that filter out the color green. We will just have to wait to see what the Scientist’s come up with.

After finishing his delicious green salad, that Jason just happened to have with him, in his pocket, this obsessed half-wit AAAS sufferer made his way to a second floor bathroom where he succumbed to his AAAS obsession.

But wouldn’t you know it, before he could complete his dirty deed, Jason our AAAS sufferer heard voices coming from outside. Jason bolted to the backyard, where the voices he thought he heard were actually Sheriffs Deputies that were coming to the home to arrest our trespassing AAAS sufferer.

Law Enforcement arrested him. I am pretty sure that the Sheriff’s Deputies did not want to shake Jason’s hand either. The Deputies say they confiscated a bag of marijuana, as well as other drug paraphernalia, a pouch of chewing tobacco, a towel and a wig.

Jason Lee Vickery, was charged with larceny and burglary. This is really disturbing, in the arrest report, it talks about our half-wit playing with the little green remote-controlled helicopter. The report goes onto state that by flying the helicopter “Jason Lee Vickery, thus depriving the owner of the item and its battery life”. That sounds pretty f–king serious to me. I think he is going to be going away for a really long time, on that one charge alone.

I am not sure if the wig he was carrying is symptomatic of people suffering from AAAS or not. as I am not very familiar with the illness. After-all, I just gave it a name for the first time ever, a few short minutes ago.

At least Jason was carrying around a towel, as he should.

As the great visionary, Ford Prefect, once said: “Never ever,leave home without a towel”.

In case you missed it, I have written about something similar to this absurd incident previously. Of course, it also occurred in the great weird State of Florida. If you’re interested, you can read all about it by–> Clicking Here.

As always,

I am…

Tom Dye, The Safety Guy

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Woman Torches Car At Gas Station, Claims To Be God

By Tom Dye

On August 7, 2016

In Religion, Tales of the Absurd, Weird Florida

Woman Torches Car At Gas Station, Claims To Be God. A 29-year-old woman claiming to be God was arrested after torching her car at a Florida gas station. Seriously, when you just read this headline were you even remotely surprised that this absurd incident happened in the great weird State of Florida?

If you have been reading past stories in Profound Revelations – Tales of the Absurd, you will certainly know by now that the State of Florida has by far the highest ratio of absurd events per capita than anywhere else on the entire planet. I actually really enjoy living in Florida, talk about inspiration.

I am pretty certain that Christians waiting for God to return to this earth, this was definitely not how they envisioned it happening.

A 29-year-old woman, in Daytona Beach, Florida, pulled up to a gas station/ convenience store, sprayed the outside of the car with a liberal amount of gasoline and ran into the store and grabbed a disposable lighter. Nothing unusual so far right? Petty theft is certainly not uncommon, but a woman muttering “I have got to get out of here” and “I am God” over and over is a little bit out of the norm, even for the great weird State of Florida.

An employee at the convenience store chased down God to retrieve the pilfered disposable cigarette lighter. Evidently, even God has to pay for merchandise just like the rest of us. The clerk Gas station worker bravely fought with God to get the lighter. The brave worker managed to get back the stolen lighter, but noticed a strong smell of gasoline on her hands, so he wisely backed off. Unfortunately God grabbed another lighter and fled the store, and the next thing you know Whoosh!!! God had just torched her car. The blaze was described by one of the employees as 15 barbeques all being fired up at once. Kind of an interesting analogy, but you get the general idea.

God Torched her Scion

Another quick thinking employee shut down the pumps by activating the emergency shut-off switch, which prevented the entire gas station from blowing up.

Evidently, God doesn’t like dogs either. I know that’s hard to believe, because after all who doesn’t like dogs? A bystander noticed that God’s two dogs were in the flaming car, which was quickly becoming an inferno. The brave bystander managed to open the passenger side door and successfully rescue the two helpless animals, before they became barbecued dogs. This guy absolutely deserves a medal for bravery. I am pretty sure that the two dogs would agree with me as well.

After torching her car, God calmly walked out to the road, sat down in the middle of the road and waited for a car to hit her. God was still in the middle of the road when the police arrived on the scene some minutes later. God was taken to a mental health facility for a mental health evaluation.

As for the gas station, the station only suffered a melted pump hose from the incident. The gas station reopened right away. I am not sure if you can thank God for that small miracle, In this case I would think not.

I have big issues with this whole incident being caused by a direct intervention from God. As usual, being Tom Dye, The Safety Guy, I am going to analyze this entire incident using my SWAG theory (Scientific Wild Ass Guess). I think I can debunk the entire God returning to earth as a petty thief, arsonist who attempted to barbecue her dogs alive and burn down the gas station theory, in pretty short order.

First things first – Would God be caught dead driving a Scion? I think not. I am pretty sure that God would have more class than that. Personally, I don’t know why a supreme being that is described as all-powerful and all-knowing, would even bother with cars. If God did need a car I would think God would choose something a little more classy such as a Jaguar, Mercedes or even a high-end BMW.

Secondly, all gas stations in Florida are either pay at the pump first with a credit or debit card. Or you have to go in and pay the cashier, prior to pumping gas. Assuming that God actually decided he/she need a car, and certainly not a Scion, why would God need money or debit cards for anyway? I seem to remember that God had a real issue with money. Remember the story about the money changers at the temple?

I would also like to talk to the credit card company that issued God a credit card. I have no idea how God could have a good credit history, drivers license, employment history or other identification. If God himself created the credit card, wouldn’t that amount to credit card fraud?

Also, why would God even need a disposable cigarette lighter for anyway? I would think that creating fire would be a fairly easy stunt for someone who created all the heavens and the earth and is all-knowing and all-powerful. I mean for all the miracles that are attributed to God, creating a small flame would be like child’s play to a supreme being. Seriously, think about it.

Also, as a dog lover myself, I cannot imagine God attempting to barbecue alive two of his/her most loyal and loving creatures. If dogs are man’s best friend, I would think that they hold a special place in God’s heart as well. I know what you are thinking, “God giveth and God taketh away”. OK, Point well taken, However, I would Imagine that God would “taketh” away in a much less cruel fashion.

Finally, as far as sitting in the middle of the road waiting for a car to hit her. I believe that this would be a fairly futile act by any God. One, it would never happen and two, if it did what difference would it make. Remember that God supposedly is all-knowing and all-powerful, so what would a mere automobile do to a supreme being? Why absolutely nothing of course.

If God is all-knowing he/she would know that a car is not going to hit them anyway. Let’s just say for argument’s sake that a car did hit God while she was sitting in the middle of the road. Then wouldn’t mean that God wasn’t entirely all-knowing or all-powerful after all?

You know this particular SWAG analysis just reminded me of an old George Carlin routine from the 1970’s. So, here’s a little parting gift, a very rare video of one of George Carlin’s early performances attempting to describe God. Enjoy!

Once again the SWAG theory has led us to the inescapable conclusion that this delusional woman is not God. Evidently, this poor woman is just suffering from some sort of severe mental break with reality. We can thank God that neither the dogs or anyone at the gas station was injured in this bizarre incident.

As always,

I am…

Tom Dye, The Safety Guy

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Man Completely Fails At Chain Saw Attack

By Tom Dye

On August 3, 2016

In Stupid Criminals, Tales of the Absurd, Weird Florida

Man Completely Fails At Chain Saw Attack: Cops. Stop me if you’ve heard this one before… Two next door neighbors get into an argument. One one guy pulls out a knife, and threatens to kill his neighbor.

Do I even need to mention that this extremely absurd incident happened right here in the great weird State of Florida. Of course it did.

Evidently, this entire absurd incident started because the knife/chainsaw wielding attacker, Mark Bates was mad at his neighbor. Get this, he was angry because the guy next door bought his brothers truck. I know, it doesn’t make any sense to me either. Talk about anger management issues.

The guy with the knife, Mark Bates, decides that a knife is not a manly enough weapon for a person of his stature, so what’s he to do, he runs home, ditches the knife, and grabs his chain saw, and quickly returns, all the while shouting, I am going to f–king kill you. Nothing like living next door to a psychopath to make your life much more exciting.

Mark Bates

Your pissed off psychotic neighbor showing up in your yard, first with a knife, then brandishing a chain saw would by itself be pretty horrific. It’s a good thing the psychotic, chain saw lunatic, is not very detail oriented, as he overlooked one minor detail in stupid plan. It may be a good idea to make sure your chain saw actually starts, before threatening others with it.
Here’s how I imagine this entire incident came down.

I’m going to f–king kill you! shouts the psychotic half-wit with the chain saw.

First, a Squish, squish, squish, sound was heard. This is the sound the rubber fuel primer bulb makes as you press it down, the rubber fuel primer bulb, was depressed three times, per the manufacturers instructions, conveniently printed on the side of the chain saw.

Psycho Neighbor

I am at a complete loss as to how you would write down the distinct sound a gas chain saw makes, as you pull the cord, while trying to get it started. Are you familiar with how that sounds? Well, I am just going to go with this – Burrrrrrah, Burrrrrrah, Burrrrrrah, Burrrrrrah, Burrrrrrah.
Damn! the potential assailant thought, this f–king piece of s–t won’t start.

He tries again, and again, and again.

Squish, squish, squish, Burrrrrrah, Burrrrrrah, Burrrrrrah, Burrrrrrah, Burrrrrrah.

Now, I am pretty sure that the intended recipient of the chainsaw attack wasn’t just hanging around waiting for this crazy neighbor to get his chain saw started, so he could be cut to pieces. I certainly know for damn sure that I wouldn’t. Not to mention, it takes two hands and some concentration, to get a non-compliant chain saw started. One hand to hold the handle, and the other hand to prime the carburetor, and then pull the starting cord, using a fast continuous motion. In this guy’s case, over, and over, and over, and over.

If I was the intended victim of this absurd chain saw massacre, I am fairly certain that about this time, this would be a really good time slip away. Especially, while this lunatic was preoccupied trying to get his gas powered, saw of death started. Evidently, this potential victim, thought the exact same thing.

Squish, squish, squish, Burrrrrrah, Burrrrrrah, Burrrrrrah, Burrrrrrah, Burrrrrrah.

So, while the chain saw attacker was preoccupied with trying to get his chain saw started, the intended victim slipped inside his house, locked the door, and promptly called the Police.

While waiting for the Police to arrive, the sound of the chain saw attacker frantically trying to start his death saw could still be heard clearly through the open window, adjacent to the front door.

Squish, squish, squish, Burrrrrrah, Burrrrrrah, Burrrrrrah, Burrrrrrah, Burrrrrrah.

Finally, it dawned on the attacker, that during all the excitement, he had never even bothered to check to see if his chain saw had any gas in it. As it turns out, the gas tank was empty. There wouldn’t be any chain saw massacres happening today.

In a fit of rage, the chain saw attacker threw the useless chain saw against the side of the intended victims house, and went back to his own home in disgust. I am pretty sure, he also experienced the dawning realization, of just how incredibly stupid this whole sequence of events was.

A short time later the Police arrived, and after talking to the intended chain saw massacre victim, as well as several neighbors, who it turns out we’re eye witnesses to the entire incident, the would be chain saw attacker was immediately arrested without incident.

As the gas-less, chain saw attacker, was being led away, in handcuffs, he was overheard explaining to the Police “I didn’t start it, He did!” Well, we all know that just wasn’t true. Neither one of them started it, because the chain saw was out of gas.

The would be chain saw wielding attacker, was ultimately charged with two counts of, assault with a deadly weapon.

I wonder, Do you think his attorney could argue for a reduced sentence, due to the fact that his weapon of choice was basically inoperable?

As always,

I am…

Tom Dye, The Safety Guy

All God’s Children Go To Heaven, Amen! March 29, 2021
I am going to state right off the bat, that all of you and I are going to heaven and there is nothing we can do about God's unrelenting, unconditional love. The post All God’s Children Go To Heaven, Amen! appeared first on PROFOUND REVELATIONS.
Tom Dye
The Great Snake Attack March 18, 2021
I pointed to it, ........ and before I could get the words out of my mouth,...... "Look it's a black racer" ....... my wife, Patria, who only a fraction of a second before was right behind me...... was already long gone. The post The Great Snake Attack appeared first on PROFOUND REVELATIONS.
Tom Dye
What Is My Purpose In Life? February 22, 2021
I believe that organized religion puts way too much burden on people with questions like; What is my purpose? What is my calling? At least for me, Just pondering these types of questions is a really weighty endeavor, and frankly, one that I don’t need to worry about. Life is hard enough with the COVID19 […]
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Category: Weird Florida Page 3 of 4

Salad-Munching, Masturbating Burglar Takes Toy Chopper For Joy Ride: Cops

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Woman Torches Car At Gas Station, Claims To Be God

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Tales oF the Absurd, Original Satire, Politics, Religion & News Commentary

Category: Weird Florida Page 3 of 4

Salad-Munching, Masturbating Burglar Takes Toy Chopper For Joy Ride: Cops

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Woman Torches Car At Gas Station, Claims To Be God

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Man Completely Fails At Chain Saw Attack

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